Happiness is just a tear drop away....

So how was my trip to Perry? Well let's just say that I'm glad I braced myself. I'm so incredibly disappointed by the outcome of the past 5 days that I don't even want to talk about it. Saturday night, I packed up my shit at 10:30 and drove 200 miles away from all the bullshit encompassing that godforesaken town. I arrived with high hopes, left without a chance in hell, but came back with wisdom. I might be all dried up from my two and half hours of crying on the way home, but I have hope, and in spite of it all, my optimism is soaring which is HUGE! It's a tradeoff, indeed, but it makes me a better person, and that in itself is a blessing.

Prior to taking off to Athens with Perry in my rear view mirror, I had a really long talk with my dad. I had initially stopped by just to say goodbye since there's no telling how long it'll be before I see him again, but he broke me. Y'all know I'm not a crier, but that man knows how to break down my barriers and open floodgates. And that's exactly what he did. After prying for a good 30 minutes, I finally told him every relationship woe that I've had for the past two years since my last, concrete relationship....I told him all my thought processes, all my fears, all my confusion, and he understood my grief. He helped me identify some of my problems, reassured me that something special was out there, and told me that as soon as I came to grips with what I really wanted, I would somehow let out a subconscious aura that would lead the right guy directly to my heart. But what do I want? I really hate this question.....I can describe any dream guy that I want, but what's the probability that I'll actually find him? I am more practical than that. I've never been a dreamer.....after all, my dreams have never come true. But I do know what I want to be, and that's the only thing that I have control over. I love the person that I've become, I know that I could be a good girlfriend if given the chance. So instead of dwelling on what I don't have, I have to thrive on what I do have and hope that somehow, I can relinquish the confidence in myself to get what I want. And I know I'll get it. It may not be soon, but it's gotta be out there.......at least I hope so.

Everytime I find a new prospect in my life, I get so excited about the potential that lies in the situation, yet I dread having to wake up to new a day because I'm always scared that it might bring an adverse change in heart that will leave me alone once again. This paradox is not healthy....a relationship is supposed to be a new experience where you can't wait until the next time you get to be around that special someone to make a new memory. I can't live in fear anymore. I have to believe in myself. And as hard as it is for me to do, I have to dream a little, because only then will I find genuine happiness that matches the genuine love I hold in my heart. So for now, I have promised myself to be open minded, to let go of the past, to forgive myself (and others), and to start over with a new attitude. I'm not angry about everything that didn't work out...after all, there was something to be learned from each situation. These lessons of compassion and forgiveness serve to strengthen my character. And with the changes that I make within myself, I will find beneficial changes in my life that will get me exactly what I am looking for. What that is? Only God knows, but it will come, and I can't wait for him to get here.

Ok, no more silence guys. I need feedback!
Take care! Until next time....

"Put love first. Entertain thoughts that give life. And when a thought of resentment, or hurt, or fear comes your way, have another thought that is more powerful -- a thought that is love."

she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway...

She says it's cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She says it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

(chorus)
She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
And the rain's gonna wash away what I believe

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

(chorus)

She believes that life is made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped raining

I was chillin' at a friend's house a while back and we were listening to random songs when this happened to pop up on the playlist on his computer. Wow, I'd forgotten what a great song this is, and being that it was popular back when I was in middle school, I hadn't really had a chance to think about what the song was really saying. All too often, we concern ourselves with making sure we memorize all the lyrics without objectively thinking about the underlying meaning behind the words that we so hollowly bellow out when we are riding in our cars or entertaining ourselves in the shower. I've been pondering this song for a couple weeks now, and I think I've about gotten it annotated. But in all seriousness, correct me if you think I'm wrong.....I wanna know what you really think. Here goes:

First of all, if you do decide to download this song, I'd recommend the acoustic version because I think that the mood of this version complements the meaning. I mean, the original version is definitely rockin' but I think it takes away from the meaning. Ok, so the song is about a couple in an unhappy situation due to a compatibility flaw that could easily be remedied by a simple change in ways, but unfortunately, the refusal to 1) acknowledge the problem, 2) fix the problem, and 3) walk away from the problem leaves the situation at a stalemate. This is illustrated by the fact "she only sleeps when it's raining" where the rain is symbolic of the presence of the problem, and her escape is to sleep it off, almost like a bad hangover or something. Furthermore, the "rain washing away what [she] believe[s] in" suggests that she is afraid of the inevitable change that would be necessary to improve the situation. Change is a very scary thing, I agree, but sometimes people forget to be practical when it comes to recognizing how essential change is for the improvement of the quality of life. In this situation, change entails either a change in thinking, a change in ways, or a change in status of the situation. Failure to be open minded towards change and fear of being left alone forces the relationship to keep progressing to an even further level of dysfunction. This, of course, is exacerabated by the understanding that the guy has for this girl. He recognizes the problem, feels that the change isn't within his realm of control, but stays with this girl out of pity. He sees her naivety and recognizes her oblivion and, thusly, stays wrapped around her finger in fear of hurting her. He says, "she believes that life is made up of all that you're used to" and succombs to her desires to stay together. He justifies this by saying "she's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing" which is a rather conspicuous example of denial, and in spite of the fact that "the moon doesn't hang quite as high as it used to," he continues to yield to her "happiness." He's neither strong enough to walk away or capable of initiating the necessary change to improve the relationship. Thus, they continue to suffer through the perils of storms that plague them with hopes that it'll all just blow over so that they can achieve some sort of level of contentment. Possibly the best lyric in this song (if not ever) is "she thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway".....wow. It's a way of saying that people think that happiness is something that is deserved, not something that you work on for yourself. Waiting on the rain to stop so that you can be happy again doesn't constitute genuine happiness but instead says that you wait and let circumstance dictate your level of happiness when, in actuality, we are in control of the decisions that we could be making in order to achieve optimal happiness. For this couple, the most appropriate decision would be to walk away, but they just can't because the fear of being alone or unhappy is too empowering. Instead, they will continue to dwell in this level of contentment and hope that there won't be too many storms to throw off their equilibrium. Let's hope for their sake that they never realize what they are missing out on because the realization that they are merely sticking with what's comfortable instead of trying to find something better and opening themselves up to opportunity would be very disheartening, especially when they realize how much time they've wasted. This lesson, as simple as it seems, is one that should be learned by all. All too often, we try so desperately to work out situations that simply are not meant to be worked out. I agree, relationships take a lot of patience, a lot of understanding, and a helluva lot of work, but there are just some situations that are meant to be broken. That's such a hard concept to grasp. I know in the past I've had such a hard time walking away from situations without justifying to myself that we should invest a little more time in the situation in an attempt to work things out. At face value, it makes sense because you've worked so hard already to form a bond and get to know somebody. You fall into a routine and reach a level of comfort that is special because you let somebody see you at your absolute worst but they still love you. But sometimes, it turns into beating your head against the wall as you face the same problem, time and time again, and somehow, you have to muster up enough strength to just walk away. Period. You can't let opportunity pass you by because you never know what you could be missing out on. Unfortunately, this strength is hindered by how much you come to understand even the bad things in a person. You know them inside and out, and the level of comfort that you obtain allows you to accept the most negative aspects of their character. I will never understand why people are this way, but I guess I will have to accept it because that's just the way it is. And while it sucks to be an outsider and see it all, there's no way I can provide the insight that will initiate this change. As a result, the strength will stay within me, leaving me with no other decision but to walk away. And man, you better believe that sucks.

Ok, why I just completed a Mrs. Lee annotation of that song is beyond me, but it just seemed appropriate, and I have to say that I'm rather excited that I've finally figure out that song. Your thoughts are more than welcome. I'm really interested to hear what you guys have to say. Anywho, thanks for reading. Until next time...........

"When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."

It's 3 am and I wanna go to bed.....

I'm so fucking exhausted right now it's ridiculous. Seriously....I have so little energy right now due to being completely obliterated last night and waking up insanely early this morning that if my head wasn't going through this rampage of thoughts, I could probably sleep for a couple days. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooo, instead, I'm full of mixed emotions about so many things that everytime I close my eyes, I start thinking so hard that when I interrupt myself, I realize that I'm staring at the wall with my eyes wide open. Don't you hate that?

So what's up? Probably the most stressful thing right now is my trip to Perry this week for my brother's graduation. It's going to be fun, but the sharing of time between my mom's side of the family and my dad (whom I haven't seen since last June) is already driving me mad. My stepdad is already planning on skipping out of town, and I would love nothing more than to join him (he's not really going anywhere, he just doesn't want to deal with it....ditto.) I just hate this situation, and you'd think that 17 goddam years of being in the middle of all this bullshit would make it easier, but it really doesn't. If nothing else, I'm more aware of the array of emotions being displayed by each side that I feel guilty doing anything because no matter what, I'm going to disappoint one side and piss off the other. Maybe that's what I get for having a difficult mother. Oh wait....pretty sure it's not my fucking fault I was in this situation in the first place. It's times like these that make me absolutely hate my life and I pray harder than ever that the family that I make for myself in the future is not this dysfunctional. It's such a painful situation, and its causes were completely out of my control, yet I have to suffer the most. It sucks. Hard. And I probably won't be able to sleep until next week is over because no matter what, you can't make everybody happy. And that sucks harder.

On top of this, a special someone will also be vying for my time while I'm home, and in all honesty, he's one of the few reasons I'm even looking forward to going to Perry. I just don't know how much time will be left for me to spend with him, and, unfortunately, I'm not the one that gets to prioritize my time. I'm so stressed out about the entire situation with my family that I just hope I'm able to be myself when I'm around him so that I don't screw anything up. We all know that I'm the notorious fuck up around here. It's just a situation I don't want to even think about cause as much I hope that things will (FINALLY) work out, building myself up to expect great things is detrimental to my battered heart because a brief look at my awesome history illustrates multiple situations that could be considered ideal at face value but, unfortunately, did not prove to last. This situation is clicking so well, but I would be stupid not to brace myself. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? Guess that's all that I can do...

Ok, guess my heartburn has subsided enough for me to quit bitching and squeeze in a mere 4 and a half hours sleep (which is sadly the most amount of sleep I've gotten lately, haha!) Take it easy kids, and feel free to respond. I don't like the low volume of feedback, and I know you have something to say, so let us hear it!

Sweet dreams.........

Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night. --Unknown

This ones for the girls.....

Title: "He's Just Not That Into You"
Authors: Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

The aforementioned can be purchased in any local bookstore, Target, or Wal*Mart. Girls, get it now! I don't care if you're single, taken, engaged, married, black, white, or purple, every girl needs to read every word offered in this book. Why? Because it is an ingenius way to remember that 1) we need not be stupid when it comes to dealing with the evilness of the male genitalia, and 2) we deserve the absolute best. Period.

Reading this book changed my perspective on a lot of things, but upon being able to apply what I've learned, I realized how stupid we girls are when we waste precious time dwelling over the pretentious likings of guys that we really don't belong with. Think about it.....we date tons of guys, and ideally, all but one of them "just aren't that into us." Simple concept right? Not so much. Love is blind, and our estrogen mixes in a fleet of emotions that causes us to lose every other sense necessary to maintain our sanity when it comes to relationships. This, my friends, is what causes girls to go psycho, thus explaining why every girl needs to be able to identify what they want and let go of the guys that aren't up to par in order to keep a judicious train of thought about where our love lives are headed. That means no more making excuses, no more making sacrifices, no more conforming our standards, and no more lowering the bar. We have to be strong, and if we can't muster up enough strength to be able to walk away from these extraneous situations that only serve to deplete our self esteem, then we must educate ourselves to identify our emotional weaknesses that keep us from remembering how deserving we are of the ideal love that we all hope to find. After all, each and every one of us is worth it. Period.

How blinded are we by love? Let's open our book to the table contents and check out the chapter titles. He's just not that into you if:
1) he's not asking you out
2) he's not calling you
3) he's not dating you
4) he's not having sex with you
5) he's having sex with someone else
6) he's only wants to see you when he's drunk
7) he's not wanting to get married
8) he's breaking up with
9) he's disappeared on you
10) he's married
11) he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak (this is the catchall category, haha)

Pretty damn obvious dontcha think? Yeah, who would waste their time reading a book that friggin' conspicuous? Oh yeah, that's right...you should because you're the same idiot that I am. Trust me. It's actually a fun game....let's use as an example my most recent failure of a relationship. If you aren't aware of the history, please reference my entire blog because I have blabbed about him at least once in every entry. Yeah I was definitely blinded by this one. Let's see, we talked on average about once per week, he took me out, yes, but we went weeks without seeing each other, when we did hang out, drinking was almost always involved, he tried calling things off, he disappeared, and he was ultimately a selfish jerk who really didn't care that much about me. I think that covers like half the book, and I still stayed with him until he finally walked away. Shouldn't that have been my call? When I initially read this book, Brian was in an iffy spot with me anyway, yet I still managed to justify his presence in my life as a prospect. I mean, what book can describe the complexity of a guy to a tee? Yeah, there's always an exception to the rule, but there should never be an exception to my rule. In retrospect, I probably would have done anything for that kid, but what the hell for? Yeah he was fun, but there are a million guys out there. Never settle, right? Easier said than done, but that doesn't change the fact that it has to be done. You just have to do it. Period.

These revelations were very, very hard to comeby, and I was neither strong or wise enough to do this on my own. But I have great people in my life who think very highly of me, thus encouraging me to do the same. Why does love make us feel like we are incompetent? I don't know, but its detrimental effects should be taken with a grain of salt. No matter what, we always deserve more. I just wish I wasn't so stubborn because I should have realized all this before, but sometimes, you gotta have someone show you everything you're missing out on. We all can't be so lucky, but we should never dismiss the notion that we are, in fact, capable of making the right decisions that will ultimately supplement our happiness. That's why everybody should read this book. It's the crutch we need to make prudent decisions, the tourniquet we need for our wounded hearts, and it's a fundamental resource that can serve to restore our self-efficacy so that we can give ourselves the absolute best.

Alright, well, I'm pretty damn exhausted and I think I'm out of creative juices, so I'm going to quit preaching. Just remember that each and everyone of you is special. Period.

Sweet dreams......

"Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other, and when he smiles you know he needs you. Wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and have no makeup on. Most of all, wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he'd be at the center of yours.."

p.s. Special thanks to my roommate, Nicki D., who invited me to read this book as a way to make me realize what exactly I was missing. The outsiders perspective is always the most valuable. Thanks Nic!

Go fig...

So turns out that God doesn't hate me as much as I think. Ok, He doesn't hate me at all, and He's taking good care of me by not giving me what I want, and, while it's still frustrating and while I'm still super confused, I'm ok. That's because He's showing me what I deserve through the attention of somebody else. Not sure if he's a prospect yet. But for now, he's definitely my angel.

I got my answer with Brian. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from him on my own, but he's dropped me like a bad habit so I'm done. Unless he's got some sort of horrific story (which is possible by the way, this kid is crazy) I think I'm over it. Yes, it sucks. But I can only call him so much before he catches on to my neuroticism and decides I'm not worth it anyway. So I guess that's the end. You'd think I'd catch more respect from a 25 year old who gets paid salary, but hey, if it's gonna happen to anyone, it's gonna happen to me. Not a sob story, just the way it is. Another talley mark on my horrible track record. Shame on me for thinking it was going to be different.

Fortunately, where one door closes, another door opens. Coincidence? Hellifino. I'm just thankful that there was someone to distract me all night because had he not chatted with me online all night (seriously, all night), then I'm pretty sure that I would have been a recluse and sat in my room watching my phone blink in hopes that it would ring while eating ice cream until I threw up. That's never a fun game. It's kind of funny how things worked out though. The scope of our conversation made me realize that everything my roommates have been telling me is absolutely right. Why it has to come from a mere acquaintance from my hometown for me to finally understand, I dunno. His interest in me is genuine. I'm not scared of what it could amount to, but I'm too bruised right now to form expectations. Of course, y'all know me. My heart is impulsive, and once I'm there, I can't walk away. It's a cycle. I guess I'm just going to have to keep going through this cycle until it finally stops. I hope that I don't have to tack on too many talley marks between now and then, but I will not hold back. A hot guy is interested in me......doesn't happen often. Of course I'm flattered, but he's so cool that it makes it all the better. Either way, it was enough to take my mind off things. So, you know who you are....thanks for your time and for caring. It speaks volumes about your character, and I look forward to getting to know you better. And I'm really sorry for jinxing the Braves. Don't worry they'll win tomorrow (or at least I hope so or my ass is grass!)

Ya know, the shittiest part about "relationships" ending is that you have to walk away from an amazing person which ultimately means that you walk out of his life for good. It just sucks so bad. It's almost not fair that you can't keep all of the amazing people in your life forever. But I guess you just have to replace them with more amazing people. Either way, I'm bummed, but I'm ok. I'm now starting to realize why my sister can't keep up with me. But if there was a way to find some sort of consistency in my life, I'd be there. Until I find it, I'll just keep doing my thing and hope that someone will eventually love me for it.

Thanks for the prayers, you guys. And for listening. And for entertaining me. And for being awesome. You're the reason I'm ok right now. Sweet dreams.

"Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
And in loving somebody don't make them love you"
--Jack Johnson

Pretty sure......

So, my life continues to run around in circles leaving me empty handed. I'm pretty sure I'm right back to square one. Pretty sure....

Everything is returning to the way they were. Kristen and Jonny got back together. Mina is coming back to Athens. Emily and Steven got back together. If I was a betting woman, I'm pretty sure that I would say that Melissa and Joey were going to get back together shortly too. Pretty sure....

...guess you just don't know what you had til it's gone...
--Counting Crows

And best of all, I'm as single as can be. Well, I can't say that for certain, but having seen Brian once in the past two weeks and being able to count on one hand the number of times we've spoken seems like it's a pretty good indicator that things are heading south. Pretty sure I should probably get more attention than that even though he's amazing and I would probably do just about anything for the kid. Pretty sure it all just sucks the hugest nut ever. Pretty sure....

Something's gotta go wrong cause I'm feeling way too damn good...
--Nickelback

What does this all mean? Basically, it means that it's gonna be a long, shitty ass summer. Always is. I haven't had a good summer in such a long time. Pretty sure that there's gonna be lots of alcohol consumption going down. Mina warned me to get my liver ready because we were gonna be hitting up happy hour everyday after 5. Pretty sure nothing can prepare my liver for this bullshit though and I'll probably pull a muscle on the first day. Pretty sure....

...ain't no cure for the summertime blues...
--Alan Jackson

Pretty sure music is like the best thing ever. I'm so tired of talking about everything that's going wrong or right with Brian (wow, I really like that kid.) I just keep resorting to music and find my life expressed in the ingenius lyrics of so many great songs. Doesn't ever change my situation, but for approximately 3-4 minutes, it's almost like an out-of-body experience where I'm whisked away to a world where there are no words to speak, only lyrics to be sung that release great truths and are accessorized by beautiful melodies that can feel no pain. It's so hard to describe the impact music has on my life, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't live without a good song to temporarily make me forget the pain. Pretty sure....

dance your cares away, worries for another day, let the music play.
--fraggle rock

And lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm in the most pessimistic mood ever. I'm so tired of playing this game with the boy....I'm tired of people asking me about him....I'm tired of justifying to people why I like him and why I want him around....I'm tired of watching my phone blink in hopes that it'll ring....I'm tired of vying for his time with everything else he has to do....I'm tired of being so friggin' understanding and sacrificing so much in hopes of getting a minute of his attention....I'm tired of the denial....and I'm tired of going in circles. I just wish I was strong enough to tell him to fuck off so that I don't feel like this....confused, wondering, wishing so hard that he would want to know about my day or tell me about his....I guess that's my answer. Huh.... pretty sure that wasn't the answer I wanted. Pretty sure......

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?
--Simple Plan

gotta have faith....

Yeah, so it turns out that God really does work in mysterious ways, and I think I've had a revelation that will hopefully change my skewed perception of life and help me quit cussing in His general direction. I just hope that what I'm about to type makes sense......

So, why do we experience heartache? Heartache is a subjective experience characterized by confusion, emotional pain, and imbalance that is usually delivered to us daily in different forms and magnitudes. Sometimes, it's enough to make you want to go home and take your frustrations out on your waistline or cry yourself to sleep, but other times, it's so minute that it's more like a gnat that flies around your face annoying the hell out of you until you eventually squash it. There's always a setback that creates some sort of ambiguity with your mental processes that ultimately hinders any optimism and manifests itself until there is some sort of resolution. This can last for minutes, hours, or days at varying intensities depending on your level of emotional arousal and the impact of other experiences being integrated into your executive brain functions to offset this heartache. These uncertainties never idle and no matter how big of a deal they really are, they cause distress and ultimately impede upon your ability to focus on other things. The good news, however, is that a resolution eventually presents itself be it a distraction or a fortunate event to counteract your distress, thus outweighing negative emotions and creating an overall feeling of contentment. But what's the point of all of this? Why must this process constantly offset our equilibrium and tamper with our emotions? What lesson is there to learn?

My life for the past couple of years has been nothing but butting heads with God. I know what I want, but God has some sort of alternative plan for me that I don't always find preferable. Yes, things have been looking up lately. I am beginning to see the iris of God's eyes, but we're not quite there yet. God knows this, and that's why He hasn't given up on me because my yearning to find understanding and truth in every situation gives me hope that I will find the true understanding behind all of these puzzle pieces of which my life is comprised. Thusly, God likes to remind me that He is control by giving me these little heartaches in which I automatically throw in the towel, thinking I can predict the outcome because of the redundancy, but lately, God has been proving me wrong. He's been providing positive resolutions that warm my heart because, while it sucks to have to go through this emotional drama time and time again, God constantly fixes things, reminding me of how important it is for me to trust Him, and with my newfound understanding, this is becoming easier. No, I'm not happy go lucky right now, everything is far from perfect, but I'm at least on track, walking this slowly ascending path that will hopefully lead me to where God wants me to be, and when I get up there, I'm gonna be able to look Him in the eyes and understand the answers to all of my questions. And maybe my heartache, my dull, chronic heartache that has plagued me for the past two years, will finally dissipate. Just maybe............

So yeah, that's enough profound wisdom to relinquish the faith that some of you might have lost in me regarding my religious strength. I still very much utilize God's presence in my heart as a guide to figure out which steps to take and in which direction to go. What can I say? Sometimes you've gotta figure things out for yourself, but as long as you figure them out, then you'll be good to go.

Until next time......

"If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now...."--Tool

where the ocean meets the sky, he'll be sailing.....

"echo shrill of peeling laughter
echo tears of mourning grief
for our spirits live long after
our encounter here so brief

placid pool of teardrops shimmer
echo long after the rain
and the sunbeams lightly glimmer
dear reflection of our pain

echo shrill of peeling laughter
echo tears of dying grief
for our spirits live long after
our encounter here so brief"
--Unknown

May 1st.....given a second, most people would probably be able to remember what today is. For me, today is a day that I anticipate. Why? Because it's one of the many dates throughout the year where I'm haunted with memories that serve as a reflection of one of the most important people that's ever left footprints on my heart. Happy 23rd Birthday Randy.....

Why is it that these days haunt me? Randy isn't one of those people that is easily out of sight and out of mind. I think of him often, trying my best to rejuvenate happy memories to cleanse the stains of the struggles we endured. Those hard times are agonizing to think about because they are the lost times that we will never be able to get back. All too often we saturate our pride with animosity for other people only to one day regret having wasted empty energy on a lost cause. Instead, we can only be thankful for the time that we get back. Unfortunately for me and Randy, time was of the essence, but I can breathe easier knowing that we were able to resolve our differences at the last minute. Even still, wishful thoughts of what could have been, both then and now, manifest my memories and I can only hope and pray that Randy knows my regrets and how sorry I am for the way things worked out. And I think he does......otherwise he wouldn't haunt me and force me to remember the good times. I still loathe the fact that I can't buy him a cold one to celebrate his birthday, or that I can't ever just call him up to get an outlandish opinion from him or tell him about my day or bitch about life to him. The last time I saw Randy alive, I really wanted to give him a hug, but being that it was after the first civil conversation we'd had in a while and that some of the barriers we had built were still very much present, I refrained from embracing him. And that was it. I never got another chance. Instead, I can only reflect on recollections of the amazing times we had together. It's not always enough, but it will suffice. Just remember to never ever take things for granted. Because days like today aren't easy, and knowing that you did everything you could have done to make every moment worthwhile makes a huge difference. Never, ever forget everything that Randy taught us. There are so many lessons to be learned.....perhaps he haunts us all so that we will never forget how precious life is. Sometimes, we are just too stubborn to realize that until we are left with nothing but memories and a spirit. Fortunately, those are things that we can carry with us forever........

Happy Birthday Randy....and be safe everyone.....

"Let thy child rest in peace and rise again in glory...."