Happiness is just a tear drop away....

So how was my trip to Perry? Well let's just say that I'm glad I braced myself. I'm so incredibly disappointed by the outcome of the past 5 days that I don't even want to talk about it. Saturday night, I packed up my shit at 10:30 and drove 200 miles away from all the bullshit encompassing that godforesaken town. I arrived with high hopes, left without a chance in hell, but came back with wisdom. I might be all dried up from my two and half hours of crying on the way home, but I have hope, and in spite of it all, my optimism is soaring which is HUGE! It's a tradeoff, indeed, but it makes me a better person, and that in itself is a blessing.

Prior to taking off to Athens with Perry in my rear view mirror, I had a really long talk with my dad. I had initially stopped by just to say goodbye since there's no telling how long it'll be before I see him again, but he broke me. Y'all know I'm not a crier, but that man knows how to break down my barriers and open floodgates. And that's exactly what he did. After prying for a good 30 minutes, I finally told him every relationship woe that I've had for the past two years since my last, concrete relationship....I told him all my thought processes, all my fears, all my confusion, and he understood my grief. He helped me identify some of my problems, reassured me that something special was out there, and told me that as soon as I came to grips with what I really wanted, I would somehow let out a subconscious aura that would lead the right guy directly to my heart. But what do I want? I really hate this question.....I can describe any dream guy that I want, but what's the probability that I'll actually find him? I am more practical than that. I've never been a dreamer.....after all, my dreams have never come true. But I do know what I want to be, and that's the only thing that I have control over. I love the person that I've become, I know that I could be a good girlfriend if given the chance. So instead of dwelling on what I don't have, I have to thrive on what I do have and hope that somehow, I can relinquish the confidence in myself to get what I want. And I know I'll get it. It may not be soon, but it's gotta be out there.......at least I hope so.

Everytime I find a new prospect in my life, I get so excited about the potential that lies in the situation, yet I dread having to wake up to new a day because I'm always scared that it might bring an adverse change in heart that will leave me alone once again. This paradox is not healthy....a relationship is supposed to be a new experience where you can't wait until the next time you get to be around that special someone to make a new memory. I can't live in fear anymore. I have to believe in myself. And as hard as it is for me to do, I have to dream a little, because only then will I find genuine happiness that matches the genuine love I hold in my heart. So for now, I have promised myself to be open minded, to let go of the past, to forgive myself (and others), and to start over with a new attitude. I'm not angry about everything that didn't work out...after all, there was something to be learned from each situation. These lessons of compassion and forgiveness serve to strengthen my character. And with the changes that I make within myself, I will find beneficial changes in my life that will get me exactly what I am looking for. What that is? Only God knows, but it will come, and I can't wait for him to get here.

Ok, no more silence guys. I need feedback!
Take care! Until next time....

"Put love first. Entertain thoughts that give life. And when a thought of resentment, or hurt, or fear comes your way, have another thought that is more powerful -- a thought that is love."