It's 3 am and I wanna go to bed.....
I'm so fucking exhausted right now it's ridiculous. Seriously....I have so little energy right now due to being completely obliterated last night and waking up insanely early this morning that if my head wasn't going through this rampage of thoughts, I could probably sleep for a couple days. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooo, instead, I'm full of mixed emotions about so many things that everytime I close my eyes, I start thinking so hard that when I interrupt myself, I realize that I'm staring at the wall with my eyes wide open. Don't you hate that?
So what's up? Probably the most stressful thing right now is my trip to Perry this week for my brother's graduation. It's going to be fun, but the sharing of time between my mom's side of the family and my dad (whom I haven't seen since last June) is already driving me mad. My stepdad is already planning on skipping out of town, and I would love nothing more than to join him (he's not really going anywhere, he just doesn't want to deal with it....ditto.) I just hate this situation, and you'd think that 17 goddam years of being in the middle of all this bullshit would make it easier, but it really doesn't. If nothing else, I'm more aware of the array of emotions being displayed by each side that I feel guilty doing anything because no matter what, I'm going to disappoint one side and piss off the other. Maybe that's what I get for having a difficult mother. Oh wait....pretty sure it's not my fucking fault I was in this situation in the first place. It's times like these that make me absolutely hate my life and I pray harder than ever that the family that I make for myself in the future is not this dysfunctional. It's such a painful situation, and its causes were completely out of my control, yet I have to suffer the most. It sucks. Hard. And I probably won't be able to sleep until next week is over because no matter what, you can't make everybody happy. And that sucks harder.
On top of this, a special someone will also be vying for my time while I'm home, and in all honesty, he's one of the few reasons I'm even looking forward to going to Perry. I just don't know how much time will be left for me to spend with him, and, unfortunately, I'm not the one that gets to prioritize my time. I'm so stressed out about the entire situation with my family that I just hope I'm able to be myself when I'm around him so that I don't screw anything up. We all know that I'm the notorious fuck up around here. It's just a situation I don't want to even think about cause as much I hope that things will (FINALLY) work out, building myself up to expect great things is detrimental to my battered heart because a brief look at my awesome history illustrates multiple situations that could be considered ideal at face value but, unfortunately, did not prove to last. This situation is clicking so well, but I would be stupid not to brace myself. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? Guess that's all that I can do...
Ok, guess my heartburn has subsided enough for me to quit bitching and squeeze in a mere 4 and a half hours sleep (which is sadly the most amount of sleep I've gotten lately, haha!) Take it easy kids, and feel free to respond. I don't like the low volume of feedback, and I know you have something to say, so let us hear it!
Sweet dreams.........
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night. --Unknown
So what's up? Probably the most stressful thing right now is my trip to Perry this week for my brother's graduation. It's going to be fun, but the sharing of time between my mom's side of the family and my dad (whom I haven't seen since last June) is already driving me mad. My stepdad is already planning on skipping out of town, and I would love nothing more than to join him (he's not really going anywhere, he just doesn't want to deal with it....ditto.) I just hate this situation, and you'd think that 17 goddam years of being in the middle of all this bullshit would make it easier, but it really doesn't. If nothing else, I'm more aware of the array of emotions being displayed by each side that I feel guilty doing anything because no matter what, I'm going to disappoint one side and piss off the other. Maybe that's what I get for having a difficult mother. Oh wait....pretty sure it's not my fucking fault I was in this situation in the first place. It's times like these that make me absolutely hate my life and I pray harder than ever that the family that I make for myself in the future is not this dysfunctional. It's such a painful situation, and its causes were completely out of my control, yet I have to suffer the most. It sucks. Hard. And I probably won't be able to sleep until next week is over because no matter what, you can't make everybody happy. And that sucks harder.
On top of this, a special someone will also be vying for my time while I'm home, and in all honesty, he's one of the few reasons I'm even looking forward to going to Perry. I just don't know how much time will be left for me to spend with him, and, unfortunately, I'm not the one that gets to prioritize my time. I'm so stressed out about the entire situation with my family that I just hope I'm able to be myself when I'm around him so that I don't screw anything up. We all know that I'm the notorious fuck up around here. It's just a situation I don't want to even think about cause as much I hope that things will (FINALLY) work out, building myself up to expect great things is detrimental to my battered heart because a brief look at my awesome history illustrates multiple situations that could be considered ideal at face value but, unfortunately, did not prove to last. This situation is clicking so well, but I would be stupid not to brace myself. Expect the worst, hope for the best, right? Guess that's all that I can do...
Ok, guess my heartburn has subsided enough for me to quit bitching and squeeze in a mere 4 and a half hours sleep (which is sadly the most amount of sleep I've gotten lately, haha!) Take it easy kids, and feel free to respond. I don't like the low volume of feedback, and I know you have something to say, so let us hear it!
Sweet dreams.........
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night. --Unknown
posted by Stacy @ 1:52 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home