It's been a while...

Thanks, Staisha, for noticing the lack of attention I've given my blog lately. I started writing a couple of posts, but nothing seemed really insightful, and, well, I guess it's because I haven't been taking the overanalytical route lately with the things that have been going on around here. I realized that in getting down to the nitty gritty with everything, I was missing the big picture. As profound as it is, everything happens for a reason, and, well, everything's going to work out the way that they are supposed to regardless of whether or not I understand them. Thusly, it's important to remember that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart, and because He's painting the picture of my life, every stroke is ultimately going to lead to a beautiful masterpiece where I know I'll be happy. And, that's all that really matters.

So, while my mind has definitely slipped into the right lane and started driving a little under the speed limit, there's still been a lot going on. Life's almost been like a soap opera that you watch on TV purely for entertainment purposes. You know....like the ones that don't really leave any profound thoughts lingering or any emotions pulling on your heart strings....you just simply think to yourself, "huh...well that was pretty good" and then you go to bed. Needless to say, things have been colorful and interesting which his good because it means that I'm not too bored. That's definitely a good thing. So yeah, here's what's been going on (not in chronological order):

"Into every life, some paradise must fall..." Probably the most exciting thing to happen to me recently is that I was accepted into the Medical College of Georgia, so in May, I'll be packing up, leaving Athens for Augusta, and starting PT school there on May 16th. I'M STOKED! I'm pretty excited about the change of scenery, getting to see some new faces, and working towards my professional degree so that I can eventually get my career underway. MCG was definitely my first choice, so I'm pretty damn proud of myself. It seems like the only thing that I really have going for me at all times are my academic endeavors, so I'm not scared to step out of my modest habits to brag a little. YAY ME!

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..." So Saturday morning at around 4:15 am (I was actually still awake from a night of drinking, haha!) my younger brother rolled out of Perry with his own car insurance policy, the car registered in his name, his own health insurance, and all of his bills independent from my parents. He's headed to his first assignment at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas (yeah, how ridiculous of an assignment is that?!?!) I'm.......well, kind of jealous. Not just because he's going to Vegas, but because he has the resources to be financial independent from my parents whereas I'm filling out financial aid stuff and still claiming myself as their dependent. I can only dream for the day that I don't have to feel guilty for my parents having to support me, and I know that they are willing to do it, but I wish I didn't have to be their burden. I am, however, incredibly proud of my brother, and if you guys get a chance, say a quick prayer for him. He's nervous as hell as I'm sure we can all relate to. He's going to a place on the other side of the country where he will know no one and have to fend for himself. And he's only 19. He'll be fine, but a little prayer wouldn't hurt. Thanks guys! :)

"What hurts the most is being so close..." I am formally declaring this spring "Break Up Season." Why? Because most of my friends are seniors in college and inevitably preparing to face the real world which, for some reason, makes them feel pressured to either get engaged/married to their significant others, or to just call it quits as they deny the maturing that they will ultimately be forced to do. IT'S CRAZY! I've secretly been glad that I'm single the past couple of weeks, because unfortunately, most kids are choosing the ladder which has me consoling numerous broken hearts. Personally, I don't see why there has to be a decision to make, and it saddens me that so many people are opting to throw in the towel. I do know, however, that if it was meant to be, then it would've happened, so maybe it's all for the best....

"Make new friends but keep the old..." So, I got back in touch with an old friend from the past, and we've been in the process of catching up on life from the past 10 or so years. Ryan and I went to elementary school and daycare together back in the day, and we were pretty inseparable. I was his best friend because I was the best at kickball, and he was my best friend because in my 8-year-old little heart, I wanted to marry him. Ah, good times....he moved to Warner Robins when I was about 12, and we lost touch although our mothers would run into each other on the base, so I got occasional updates. I am so glad to have him back in my life, and I had breakfast with him in Atlanta a couple weekends ago on the way to pick my bro up from the airport, and it's just been fun to reminisce about old times. It's just funny to me how some people will always and forever keep a special place in your heart. Ryan's an awesome guy, and I'm just happy that we found each other again! :)

"We're adults. When did that happen, and how do we make it stop?" I've been feeling pretty old lately and I've been coming up with reasons that I feel this way. Here's my list so far:
You know you're getting old when...
1. Staying home in your PJ's and watching Sex and the City reruns or movies is much more appealing than going out.
2. When you do go out, your drunk food gives you more problems in the morning than the hangover you got from being drunk.
3. Walking through Firehouse in downtown Athens is like walking through your past, and you can't help but think about how stupid you used to be.
4. You recieve furniture for your birthday and cards with no money in it.
5. Working out at maximum intensity leaves you crippled the next day.
6. You just can't do somersaults like you used to.
7. You realize that too much cleaveage isn't going to get you much respect.
8. You see 18 year olds downtown and comment on their lack of clothing.
9. Wearing button-up shirts as opposed to tube tops downtown is ok.
10. You go to bars where you don't have to be around too many people and you can just sit and chill. You might not even stay until last call.
11. Going out two nights in a row is a standing record.
12. You start building your professional wardrobe.
13. You have get togethers where you work on your resumes.
14. You let some of your piercings heal so that you look professional.

I could probably go on some more, but these are the major ones. I am, however, grateful for the fact that with as stupid as I was a mere 1-2 years ago, we had one helluva time and I have some great experiences that I hope I can keep concealed from my kids in the future! :)

"if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous..." Don't know why, but the confidence has been soaring and I've been pretty happy with myself lately. It hasn't gotten me anything (yet) but it's been an awesome feeling. I don't think I'm really looking for anything right now anyway. I'm content with just me, and I'm looking forward to the future. I think where I am right now is a great place to be. :) And that's pretty awesome....

Ok, so I think that's all the episodes I've had lately. Enjoy the update, and take care! Love you guys!

Stupid Cupid

So...I really hate, and I stress HATE, Valentine's Day. It just bothers me, and not because I'm single. I was in a relationship for 5 straight Valentine's Days in high school/beginning of college, and my hatred still prevails. And I don't really know why. I just know that it's absolute bullshit that they created a holiday so that social pressures force guys to live up to the expectations that they should be fulfilling year-round. And even still, most of them still fail to make their significant other happy just because there's so much pressure for them to make the day perfect. The slightest glitch ruins the entire day. I had to get my grandmother a birthday card yesterday, and while I was perusing, I literally watched this guy go through every freakin' valentine's card in search of the perfect one. On any other day of the year, he would have picked up the first one he read that sounded alright. The hype makes me want to throw up in my mouth, and I am secretly hoping to catch my roommate's bronchitis so that I can stay in bed all day tomorrow and not have to face the day at all. That would be my ideal Valentine's Day.

Wow, I sound pretty bitter huh? I can promise you that my hatred is totally independent of my relationship frustrations which, by the way, are actually at a minimum right now. Why? Cause I somehow managed to bust my "give a damn" again which is fine by me. I've realized that for me, "content" is a good place to be anymore. It keeps my face off the ground and keeps me from getting my hopes up. I'm just not going to worry about it. As Dean says, it's just going to happen. Why? Because I'm awesome. Remembering that does help me let things go. So yeah, for the present moment, my brain is not racing at 651381685416352416354 miles an hour with questions, thoughts, dreams, scenarios, etc....I'm just chillin and soaking it all in. It'll happen on God's time, and because I want His best, I'll let Him guide me. He'll tell me what to do.

So, how bout that episode of Grey's Anatomy last night? I think my heart flatlined when the bomb actually went off. I have absolutely fallen in love with this show! I bought Season 1 for myself for Valentine's Day (lasts longer than gerbera daisies which I would secretly love to get) so hopefully I'll be able to catch up on what I missed before I started watching. I absolutely love Meredith Grey. She tries to find meaning to the events that occur in her life so that she optimizes the wisdom she obtains from her experiences. I love that! And she's so strong.....must be a Gray/Grey thing, haha! If you don't watch the show, you really should start. It's a lot better than half the garbage we watch, and it's highly entertaining. I mean, who expected the bomb to explode in the midst of angelic music? That was awesome! (I sound like a guy or something...I mean, who else gets this excited because of an explosion? haha)

So yeah....I'm just blabbing. William comes home this weekend, so please pray that we will be able to see past our differences and truly enjoy each other's company. Other than that, I hope everyone has as pleasant of a Valentine's Day as possible, and if anyone wants to forget their sorrows, I'll be downtown tomorrow night! ;)

I love you guys!

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away."
~Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself...

Is it possible to think yourself out of happiness?

I’m sure it is. Lord knows I think too much about everything, especially now. But that’s only because I have nothing better to do. For example, the two highlights of my day today were going to Crystal’s aerobics class and watching “The Bachelor.” I guess I’m just in a rut. As a self-driven, goal-oriented person, it’s so hard to find purpose to life right now because I’ve had to put everything on hold. I’m not actively working towards anything right now, thus leaving my intellectual stimulation at a minimum so that the only thing that I have to do is work on my problems. So yes, maybe I am thinking myself out of happiness.

Or maybe I’m thinking my way into happiness. Is it possible that with having nothing interesting to look forward to that I am perhaps succeeding in choosing to be happy regardless of the less-than-exciting status of my life right now? After all, being happy is the only goal that I can actually work towards right now. I have to say that last week was pretty good. My new outlook on bettering myself was truly invigorating, and I found that anytime I was faced with adversity, making a conscious decision to be optimistic wasn’t too hard.

Until Thursday.

I can’t really explain the overwhelming emotion that came over me. I couldn’t and still haven’t been able to shake it off, although I have decided that it was caused out of sheer disappointment. Disappointment in myself. And disappointment in people.

I’ve been asked numerous times over the past couple of weeks how it was possible that I was still single. I had a discussion with a fellow single friend the other night about possible answers, and the reason became very clear. You see, we live in Athens. Athens is about 70% female, and about 99% of those females are absolutely gorgeous! All a guy has to do is stick his hand out and he automatically has his fingers on a hot girl! No wonder most guys don’t want to settle! If I were a guy, I’d definitely want to try to date as many beautiful girls as I could. Thusly, the guys that actually do want to settle down are few and far between. Or they aren’t in Athens.

This said, how is it that our external circumstances still manage to dictate what we are able to accomplish? Shouldn’t our internal drive be the sole factor that influences our ability to change our status? Isn’t what my heart feels, believes, hopes, and fears supposed to determine what comes to fruition in my life?

Not necessarily. There are too many things that simply can’t invoke a change of heart or a change of mind no matter how hard you believe in them. Some people are too busy. Some people are too content. Some people are too scared. The distance is too far. The commitment is too much. There isn’t enough time.

How disappointing. But perhaps the most disappointing thing is that no matter how unwilling a person is to change their mind, they’ll never bow up and be honest with you about it. They’d rather string you along until they know for sure that there is, in fact, no place for you in their life. And then they conveniently disappear.

What happened to being honest with people? I’ve been through this process too many times before, and it never changes. The most amazing guy I dated treated me the same way as the worst guy, and that’s just……disappointing. I like to think that I have faith in people, but it’s quickly dwindling. Or maybe that’s just an Athens thing. Who knows?

So I’m disappointed in myself for having too much faith in people, for being too trusting, and for wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I also know that that’s the only way to get anything accomplished, so perhaps it becomes necessary to have a little more faith in myself. Hmm….

A couple weeks ago on “The Bachelor” one of the girls that got sent home said something that really stuck out in my head. She was talking about how hard it was to walk away from a failed relationship without feeling like there was something wrong with you or that you should have done something more or something less. It’s just an overall feeling of inadequacy, and it truly sucks. In spite of the circumstances, in spite of how wrong a guy is for you, it’s hard to not feel like there’s something more you have done or could have been.

I can’t shake the feelings that I have for the last person I dated even though I know he wants nothing to do with me. That will just take time. A long time (yes, I liked him THAT much.) But it is imperative that I remember that I’m a damn good catch. I have an education. I’m attractive. I’m tall. I have big boobs (hey some guys like that). I have a bright future. I’m fun. I like to have a good time. Some people think I’m funny. I’m passionate. I’m caring. I understand the importance of sacrifice and compromise. I’m not high maintenance. I like to watch football. I like to drink beer. I’m easy to please. And most importantly, I’m a damn good girlfriend! I just haven’t been given the chance to show how wonderful of a girlfriend I can be, and that’s ok. But I shouldn’t let anybody take that away from me.

Needless to say, I’m very anxious to figure out whether or not I got accepted to MCG so that I can start planning the next chapter of my life (hopefully in Augusta.) I’ve never been one that was very good with down time, and since I think I’m officially done obsessing about relationships for a while, Lord knows what I’m going to think about next. I just hope that I’ll be able to “think my way to happiness” and truly cherish the free time that I have left in Athens. With or without a boy.

Guess that’s all the babbling I can do for now. Love you guys…..

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Sex and the City