Wow! It has been almost 5 years since I've even thought about my blog. 5 YEARS!!! Wow is my life different now! I got married, I have a precious daughter that is 20 months old, I've excelled in my career as a physical therapist, and life has been AWESOME! Now, that's not to say there haven't been challenges or down time because, well, it's life, and life's not like that, but I have definitely been blessed and smile to think of everything I've accomplished since the last time I showed my face on my blog.
So what's bringing me back?? Any review of my blog will reveal my heart in it's darkest moments. Blogging is therapeutic in that it allows me an outlet to relieve my brain and my heart of questions, grief, emotions, and thoughts. It's my puzzle put together on paper, my chalk board to write down my problems, my journal to channel my negative energy and find the silver lining in all the adverse situations I've dealt with. So what is the source of my adversity this time?? Infertility.
But wait, you just talked about how you had a 20 month old, you're not infertile! I got pregnant with Reagan on May 28th, 2012, had a smooth pregnancy without a single complication, and gave birth to my sweet Reagan on March 5th, 2013 at 3:21 pm. I probably would have blogged about the challenges of motherhood, but let's face it: there was no time for that! She has brought me so much joy, grief, pride, fear, and happiness than I could have EVER imagined. Motherhood is a FORGIVING role that has a large learning curve, and thank God because conquered challenges are met with new challenges with each new phase bringing a new experience and a new puzzle to figure out as Reagan and I continue to get to know each other. And each day is a reward and a blessing, and I will forever be grateful that God chose me to be Reagan's mom. She is my heart and my soul, and she is enough!
Except, here I sit, a child with a half brother, half sister, full brother, step sister, adopted sister, and adopted brother: that's 1 of 7 for those of you scoring at home! How could I just choose to deprive Reagan of the joy and anger of having siblings??!! I mean, who is there going to be to tattle on or be the tattletale, challenge her to games of War, Poker, and Hands and Feet, sit in timeout to share the blame for getting the carpet muddy or destroying the walls, fight over the bathroom with, or play practical jokes on?? And who is going to be the rock she needs when the boys break her heart, the companion she has when her parents drag her on family vacations, or the confidant that will really understand what she's going through when family drama comes around?? Reagan needs a sibling!
On January 9th, 2014, I conceived a second child only to be met with the disappointment of a miscarriage on February 22nd. I. Was. Devastated. It's not something you can prepare yourself for, and it's certainly not something you expect when you just had the most uneventful pregnancy ever! But there I sat, looking at the ultrasound that measured only 5 weeks when I knew that I was somewhere closer to 7 weeks. And I was bleeding. My doctor chalked it up to bad luck, explained that 20% of pregnancies result in miscarriages due to chromosomes not dividing properly, and he wished us better luck next time. Sigh. But why?? God?? What's your purpose in this?? What's your plan?? Of course I asked questions that no one had the answers to, but with my grief and my healing, we could only conclude that God didn't think we were ready, our timing wasn't His timing, and all we could do was pray that our hearts be healed and rejoice that we had an angel baby that was in heaven, sitting on my Daddy's lap, and making him giggle.
We opted to wait a while before we actually started trying to conceive again, Reagan was still really young and may having 2 babies really close in age was a challenge that we weren't cut out for. Six months later on August 8th, we conceived again. Yay! Right? Not a chance: upon seeing the positive pregnancy test, I was nothing but paralyzed with fear. It happened once, it can happen again right?? Unfortunately yes. On September 22nd, we went to our 8 week ultrasound only to discover again that I only had a 5 week gestational sac and my hormones were not increasing. Devastation! But I wasn't bleeding, so the doctor encouraged that we do a D&C, and so we did. We waited one cycle like we were instructed to , and now here we sit, free to try again, but completely and sorely terrified.
So this is where I will leave you for tonight. I've caught you up, you know why I'm here, and I thank you, whoever you are, for listening to me rant and tell my story because sometimes, you just need a sound board, even if it's a silent one... ;)