Life's a roller coaster and I'm not strapped in.....

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Dark Chocolate and Twizzlers

Yes, I'm still alive. I've been wrapped up in "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It's really good, and I'd recommend all 460 pages of it to anyone!

I've been notified by Mr. Mina "You Make Me Batty" that in the near future, there will be a 3 person committee formed whose sole responsibility will be to make my decisions because I'm clearly incapable of doing so on my own. More to come later....

I recently read that current studies are showing that the flavanoids in dark chocolate (not in milk or white chocolate though...damn) help improve blood circulation, thus decreasing your risk of cardiovascular disease. In light of my father's heart attack along with the fact the Gray family has this gene that gives each member an affinity for chocolate (even the men in my family use chocolate to alleviate stress), I've made a point to eat an abundant amount of dark chocolate Hershey's kisses throughout each day. Top it off with Twizzlers Pull-N-Peel, and I'm one happy camper. If only veggies were just as good.....

William called today. For those of you who don't know, William, my wonderful (big) little brother left for Air Force basic training last Monday. We're very proud. He's matured more in the last 5 days than he had in the last 18 years. Maybe he'll be one of those guys who gets ahead of the rest, haha! Fat chance.....

Hope everybody is doing well. I love you guys!

Until next time...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wishful thinking....

Here's a random thought....

So, I have AMAZING guy friends. Why I don't date them is beyond me. Most of them I've been friends with for quite a while, and I guess when you establish a friendship without any expectations of progressing to a higher status, then it's really not worth sacrificing the closeness that you achieve, not even for a relationship. That said, we all know that I have low standards when it comes to guys which is something I am currently working on. Well, I was thinking about some of the things that I love about some of my really good friends and decided that some of their attributes would nicely serve as the foundation in the development of my own set of standards for a guy that is hopefully in my near future. So here they are...

I want a guy with:
-Kit's wit and general appreciation of the cuteness factor
-Daniel's sense of humor and consistency
-Mina's honesty and appreciation for my smile
-John's childlike silliness and abs
-Lou's conversation skills and general interest in people
-Travis's smile
-Jeff's strength in his convictions and faith
-Chris's sweetness and height
-Bainbridge's goofiness
-Talley's workout regiment
-Jarrod's knowledge of Georgia football and sports in general
-Ron's intelligence
-Suber's ambition and music skills
-Jojo's ability to dream with childlike perceptions
-Caleb's athletic abilities
-Matt Powell's openness and thirst for deep conversations

and of course it helps if he looks like Matthew McConaughey....that's not too much to ask, right?? :)

I love you guys, and even if I didn't mention you, don't worry.... I promise that I still think that you're amazing!

Until next time...

"Dreams, if any good, are always a little crazy..." --Ray Charles

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Ok, so it's definitely time for a walk on the lighter side, eh? I'm sorry my posts have been so emotional, but it's been a great outlet for all my grief, and I really appreciate all the feedback. I love you guys and can't express how much all of your support has meant in the last month and a half. Thanks for the awesomeness.

So I have a tendency to steal other people's phrases and sayings when I think that they are really funny or clever. It's probably really annoying, but I don't think I care. So, last time I was hanging out with my brother, we went to Burger King and while walking in, I tripped over NOTHING (yeah, just call me Grace, haha) and he started laughing and was like, "wow Stace, you suck at walking, haha" (ok, so I'm a bad storyteller, and you'd have to know William to know why everything he says is hilarious...I really can't explain it, sorry.) Anywho, so that's been my new phrase and I've realized that there are a lot of things I suck at. I tried having this conversation with Nicki, and she just laughs at me, so I thought I'd make a list of all the things that I suck at just to amuse you guys because I like to think that I'm funny sometimes, although I'm not sure if I actually am. Either way, here's my list:

THINGS I SUCK AT
BY: STACY R. GRAY

1. I suck at walking...I've already pained you with this story, so I'll save you from hearing it a second time.

2. I suck at hot things. This mostly consists of irons, ovens, food, and drinks. This is not to say that I'm not domestic...I like to think that I'm a damn good cook and can make my clothes look very crisp, but there is bound to be an injury along the way. I have scars to prove it. I'm also too impatient to wait for food or drinks to cool down, so yeah........I'm like the guy off "Anchorman" who takes a sip of his coffee and then calmly says, "I just burned my tongue." hehe...

3. I suck at fish. If you have a deep hatred for your fish, then call me to be your fish-sitter when you're on vacation. There's about a 110% chance that I will kill it. Lucky for me, goldfish cost all of 50 cents, but please, don't stay gone too long because there's no telling how many fish I'd be able to kill by the time you finally returned. Wow, that's just sad...

4. I suck at plants. Like the fish thing, there's a fat chance in hell I'm going to be able to care for a plant. Sorry folks, guess my thumb is black. I'd kill an air fern should one ever come in my possession. My stepmom gave me an aloe plant last summer, and you only have to water the damn thing once a week, but I still killed it!

5. I suck at shutting Nicki's car door. I always have to get her to unlock the doors so I can get it right the second time. And then before the Peachtree Roadrace, I slammed it into my leg and gave myself a huge bruise because I was trying to shut it all the way the first time. I think Nicki's car just hates me.

6. I suck at being on time. I don't think I've been on time to a single thing all summer long. Fortunately, nobody seems to care, so why should I? We'll address this issue come fall semester...

7. I suck at going to bed. I have been a night own since I was 5 years old (I used to tell my Grandma I was scared of the dark so that she would leave the light on just so that I could play with my toys all night long. I pulled my first all nighter when I was only 7, haha!) Guess I just wasn't meant to be the early to bed, early to rise person. This will suck once I start working that 8-5, but that's a long ways off, so no worries yet.

8. I suck at mornings. My roomies can definitely vouch for me here. I try so hard, I really do. It's just so easy to hit the snooze button. And it usually takes about an hour for me to function at 100%. Perhaps this is why I always burn my tongue on my coffee....

9. I suck at eating. There's definitely a reason my dogs always sit under my chair during dinner. They know which one of us is going to spill crumbs everywhere and make a mess....it's this girl!

10. Lastly, I suck at sitting. My posture sucks, and every physical therapist at my internship will not let me forget it. Oh well.

So yeah, should I ever be in an interview and they ask me what my weaknesses are, I'll have them reference my blog. Totally kidding. This could possibly be the dumbest blog I've ever written, but that's ok. Even if I've only amused myself, a little humor never hurt anybody.

Take care guys, and keep smiling! I love y'all!

"The best blush to use is laughter: It put roses in your cheeks and in your soul."
--Linda Knight

Thursday, July 14, 2005

"The soul would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears..."

If you reference some of my earlier blogs, you might recall a guy named Brian whom I dated for a little while at the end of last spring. Though he walked me down yet another dead end road, I now know that it was a blessing in disguise because I'm really glad that I've had the summer to worry about only me. Going through the past month and having to appease a boy who might have been vying for my attention would have been a tad overwhelming at times. There's no way that he would have ever been able to understand why I needed my alone time and why there would have been absolutely nothing that he could have done to make me feel better. Him being there for me when I needed him and only when I needed him might have felt like a slap in the face. It wouldn't have been fair because I wouldn't have been able to tend to his needs, so I guess that it worked out for the best.

One thing I am very grateful for, however, is that Brian made me watch "Finding Neverland" starring Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. If you haven't seen this movie, then I would HIGHLY recommend it. If you need to borrow it, let me know...I'll be more than happy to lend it to you. The movie is about the struggle for a young boy to find his sense of imagination in the midst of the trials life has imposed on him. He has already lost his father, his mother is very ill, but the inspiration from a playwright helps him find his childlike naivety so that he can see beyond the realities of the world to a sort of utopia where he is happy and can feel no pain. In a very powerful scene, the boy ends up losing his mother, but his newfound ability to see beyond the physical world allows him to realize that his mother is in a magical place, and no matter what, his unyielding effort to believe in this place will allow for him to be with her always. As he relinquishes the innocence that he lost by going through such unfortunate trials at such a young age, he is able to find peace with the circumstances while regaining an imaginative, childlike perception of the world.

You better believe that after what I've gone through in the past month, I had to watch this movie a second and a third time.

I've always found it hard to dream beyond the things that I think are plausibly achievable. My daddy, however, never let me forget how important it was to have crazy thoughts and the desire to do crazy things. I never understood that. I live in a practical world where I can't be let down. Maybe this is some sort of defense mechanism that I use to avoid any form of disappointment, but either way, I forgot how to dream a long time ago.

So daddy dreamed for me.

Stacy and Daddy

I found a book on Tuesday that he sent me the week before he died. He always wrote me small notes in the front cover of the books he gave me, but I had forgotten this until Tuesday morning. After finding the book, curiosity got the better of me even though I knew it was going to be emotional, and the last thing my daddy ever said to me epitomized not only who he was, but who he wanted me to be.
"Your determination and drive will open your dreams and horizons to things beyond your belief. Your expectations will evolve, and you will grow."

Wow, huh? That's some pretty powerful shit, and while it would be easy to say that it was ironic to have found this now instead of before, I know that God had a hand in it. Thanks God...you now have my attention.

I was always skeptical of Daddy's beliefs in things that I thought were unobtainable, and while there are so many things that he never got to do, having his dreams gave him something to look forward to, thus allowing him to always be happy and appreciate life. I see how dreaming worked for him, so my skepticism has been erased and I've learned how to believe in the impossible. Of course, I really didn't have a choice. I want my daddy here with me, and the only way to accomplish that is by believing that he is here. With God's help, I've been able to do just that.


I went to the movies Sunday to see War of the Worlds (this movie is NOT recommended...long story short, the writers got really lazy and ruined the entire theme of the movie), and we were watching the trailer for this movie called "Elizabethtown" which is about this guy who loses his father. I'm sure I have this in common with many people, but the scenes that they showed in the preview are very parallel to my own story. They showed a scene where Orlando Bloom is spreading his Dad's ashes in a canyon. We haven't done this yet, but my Dad's wishes were to have his ashes spread over Cedar Falls in Arkansas, so when we're ready, we will go through that. There's also this scene where he is touching his dad's hands during the viewing. Touching my Dad was probably the most important thing that I did. The idea really freaked me out at first, but Dean told me that I needed to touch Dad to realize that he wasn't real and that he wasn't really there. Dean went with me to the casket and helped me touch Dad's cold, stiff hands. It was then that I knew that he was in a better place, and seeing that scene in the preview reminded me of just that.

I know it doesn't sound like that huge of a deal, but I was pretty shaken up and didn't really wanted to stay for the rest of the movie. I just wanted to be alone, but I was with some friends and I didn't have a car, so I was kind of stuck. The reminders didn't stop there either. In the movie, Tom Cruise hid behind a car for like 5 minutes whose license plate had my Dad's initials on the back, and in the credits, one of the producers was named Russ Gray. At this point, I was really weirded out and it had really rattled my emotions, but I just decided to wait because I knew that the reason as to why this was all happening would become clear soon.

I had my aforementioned moment with the book on Tuesday morning. It put me in a very sad mood which made getting through the day very difficult. It was also the one month anniversary of Dad's death, so of course that didn't help. He was on my mind the entire day, and I felt like the reality of it all was finally hitting me. Enough time had gone by and I had incessantly reminded myself that he was gone which made me realize that it wasn't just a bad dream. I thought I had done a majority of the grieving, but the depression I was experiencing Tuesday was almost twice as overwhelming. Well, my roommate walked in after she and her bf had grilled some steaks by the pool and she announced that there was a huge rainbow in the sky which ended up being yet another reminder. I'm not exactly sure why, but Daddy loved rainbows because of what they symbolize in the Bible (and to hell with those of you thinking about gay people right now!) Anywho, I walked outside, and it wasn't just any rainbow...it was the like the hugest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life! It spread across the whole sky, it had two arches, and you could distinctly point out every color (yes, even indigo, haha!) It was absolutely amazing!

I had to figure out which symbol in the Bible gave my dad his love for rainbows. In finding this verse, I found all my answers:

Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars.
-Revelation 10:1

Talk about a revelation! As painful as they are, the reminders of Daddy are not meant to remind me of his death, but to remind me that he's still here. In light of this, I've been made a believer. I lost my innocence years ago and it was replaced with a skepticism which impeded on my ability to believe fully in love, life, and all that those entail, but I'm going to continue to seek out my childlike naivety until I learn to dream like my Daddy. And I will believe HARD in my dreams! In his death, my Dad is still my mentor, and now, my guardian angel. The Lord is giving me everything I need to get through this, and I will find my "Neverland" so that Daddy and I will be able to dance whenever we want until we can be together again. Like the boy in the movie, I think I've found some peace in my circumstances. I made it through the one month mark and Dad & Lynne's Anniversary able to smile because I know he's with me. This, my friends, has been such an amazing blessing...


I know this was really long, but I had to share. Thanks for listening! I love you guys!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11


rainbow

Saturday, July 09, 2005

more........

Hmmm...

Well, since dealing with this whole grieving thing, my appetite for alcohol has absolutely diminished. I don't consider this a bad thing. It's kind of cool because people love me when I'm drunk, but they also love having an interim DD to drive them downtown, so it's a win-win situation for me. Either way, I'm glad that everyone's respecting my decision to abstain from drinking for a while. It's just that the recent events have brought a lot of change in my life, and the choices that I make now determine the direction that the change takes place. I can either dwell on the fact that Daddy's gone, or I can look at everything that he's left behind and be grateful that I had such an amazing man as a father. Of course I'm choosing the ladder, but it would be very, very easy for me to turn into an angry, bitter person. I don't want that, and I feel like drinking would be a step in that direction, so I guess I'm just playing it safe. The only dilemma I've found with my drinking hiatus is that in a college town like Athens, there really isn't much else to do. I'm really wondering how the sober people have fun in this town. I mean, people make special trips up here with the sole intention of getting obliterated. In fact, it's almost impossible to stay sober. My younger brother, William, came up here last fall and tailgated with us before the GT game, and Kit got him hammered even though he had no desire to drink at all. Oh well...I'm still proud of my decision and I plan on sticking to it until I know that I'm ok. Besides, it's kind of nice that I'm not consuming all those extra calories, and I haven't had to nurse a hangover in over a month! I do miss Waffle House though.....

My family is doing a little better. Dean finally cleaned out Dad's truck and changed the radio station. He even let Mischa (my sister-in-law) drive it, and he's bitching about gas prices, so I guess the toll it's taking on his checking account depletes some of the sentimentality. Either that or it's indicative of the fact that he's mending. I had the best conversation with him the other day. He told me that there were times in the midst of all the grief that he would get really choked up and feel the ripples through his body as he broke down, but he said that EVERY TIME he felt his sanity leaking out of his tear ducts, he would turn around, and I would be standing there which somehow helped him pull himself together. Of course it would have been completely ok had he wanted to lose it, but he felt like it was his duty to be strong for everyone. Either way, it meant so much that I was able to be there for him, and it was a huge compliment coming from him. It made me feel good! :) I guess it just means a lot that I did something good for someone because I was such a basket case and felt like everybody had to take care of me, but I guess we all shared the burden and leaned on each other. I hope that in light of everything that I can continue to be close to everyon in spite of all the distance. It's hard to keep in touch sometimes, especially when you have 6 siblings to keep up with, but the effort is always rewarding. All too often we take our families for granted, but there is never going to be a better bunch of people who will be able to understand who we truly are, and it's important that we always remember to appreciate them. That way we will never have any regrets when they are gone. I'm so glad that I was able to share that last memory with my dad. I just hope that he knew how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. Even if he didn't know then, he knows now, but I would still kill for one last embrace so that he could truly know how much I cherished him in my life....

Well on that note, I guess I'm going to watch more "Friends" until I pass out. Church is in the morning, and I'm excited! Hope you guys had a great weekend! If you get a chance, say a quick prayer for my friend Kit....after MUCH deliberation he decided to move out of Savannah and take a job in Atlanta but he's still kind of unsure about it, so just pray that his questions will get answered and that he'll find peace with his decision soon! Thanks!

Take care....love you all!

"I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it might be a long hard ride
But I'm gonna take it
Sometimes it seems I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know I wanna go
Where the streets are gold
Cause you'll be there"
--George Strait, You'll Be There

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

My Hero, and why

Hope everybody had a wonderful 4th of July weekend. For those of you curious, I ran the Peachtree Roadrace and was able to finish in just over an hour. I was pretty proud of myself, and I had a blast.

I haven't had a lot of time to blog lately, and I don't want every blog that I write to be about my dad, but he's really the one and only thing on my mind so that's about all the material I have. I am planning on going to physical therapy school after I graduate college, so my mom has been sending me links to all of these different scholarship essays that she thinks I should try to win so that I can help her out financially, and these recent events have really inspired my writing, so I wanted to post one of my essays. It's very straight to the point (I was only allotted 500 words and y'all probably know by now that I'm a fairly flowery writer, so I had to tone it down a little) but I thought it was pretty good. Again, I apologize for continuing to broadcast these thoughts about my father's death....I know that there's no way I can truly change any of your perspectives or share my knowledge without sharing the experience, but I hope that you'll continue to respect my struggles to get through this. I love you guys! Thanks for being awesome!


My Hero, and Why

A hero is defined as “a person noted for nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life.” This said, it becomes safe to assume that a person exuding such attributes is identified not when they are with us, but rather, when they have passed on to a better life, leaving us to reflect upon their selflessness in hopes that we can embrace their character and strive to live by their example. This makes a hero out of the firefighter in 9/11 who rushed up the burning towers to rescue people, the police officer killed in the line of duty to enforce the law and maintain our safety, and the soldier who sleeps in the sand while defending our freedom. For me, however, this makes a hero out of my daddy.

My daddy never earned a purple heart, never bore a shiny badge, and never saved anyone’s life. He was merely a Godly man whose only endeavor was to live by the virtues of the Bible and to reach out to people who needed love. His carefree nature gave him the innocence of a child, thus allowing him to believe in the goodness of people and the faith of God’s will. Literally giving the shirt off his back, he was willing to invest whatever power he had to help the less fortunate and ease their troubled minds. His benevolence touched many people and he epitomized the notion of unconditional love with every person that he met. His wisdom stretched truth for miles, changing lives as he brought them to God. He dreamed of a world free of burden and pain and made the necessary steps, no matter how great or how little they were, to make his dream come true. This naivety allowed him to live life to the fullest, and his purpose was fulfilled. He died happy, forever able to embrace the peace of the Lord.

My daddy’s convictions became more poignant with his passing. I failed to listen to him for the past 21 years but have heard his words echoing in my head since his death. I’ve enveloped his character as I strive to be the person that he always wanted me to be. The love he embodied is emanated by my heart that he now inhabits, and my compassion is soaring as I struggle to see the goodness in people. Most importantly, my faith has grown stronger as I’ve learned to dream of a world where I can find pure, genuine happiness. With his passing, the impact my daddy made on my life has helped me see the light and like a child, perceive the impossible. I am a better person because of who my father was, and as paradoxical as it seems, the quality of my life has improved because of his endeavors in which I have now taken over. I have found my purpose from his example, and that makes him my hero.