Why?

Why does God have to give such extreme tests of faith to force us to grow?

Why Katrina?

Why doesn't love always dampen people's fiery spirit when they are faced with adversity?

Why can't people quit talking about their problems and start focusing on solutions?

Why are girls so petty?

Why are guys so confusing?

Why does God put amazing people in our lives to nourish our spirit and bring out the best in us?

Why does He take them away?

Why Daddy?

Why not me?

Why?

I know that these questions come with undiscoverable answers, but they've been plaguing my every thought, so I had to get them out. I've reached a point where my faith has grown enough that I don't need to always understand why things are the way they are, but that doesn't mean I don't covet the truth about why certain things happen the way that they do. It's just better that I leave them here rather than let them become a huge manifestation in my head.

Thanks for stopping by...

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
--Psalm 9:10

I can hear the bells....

.....and it's driving me insane!!!!

What is up with the wedding fever?? With the rate that everyone's been popping questions and getting rings, I feel like my turn is coming up.......yeah right.

This is not to say that I don't rejoice in the happiness that my friends and family members have found in what I hope will be the loves of their lives. My smile is far from plastic, but right now, it's hard to flex my face muscles for any long period of time in order to maintain that smile; it's trying, but because I love my friends and family so much and because I'm honored that they've asked me to take part in the union that they will form with their significant others, I'm gonna do all that I can to dig down deep in my heart and show them the genuine happiness I have for them.

So what's masking me from expressing my true happiness? For starters, it's definitely a jealousy thing. Yep, I'm not scared to admit it. But it's a jealousy dubbed by fear. Who's to say that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with a husband? Getting married is becoming a primitive rite of passage, and these days, there are plenty of single women that grow old alone. Sometimes I feel like I've reached a level of independence that I may never be able to let go of. It's not what I want, and I know that God will give me the desires of my heart, but God placed those desires there and they work for my best interest. Only He knows what that is, thus placing a haze over the vision I have for the future. All I can do is wait.

Secondly, the whole idea of my Daddy not being there really taints the scene I envision of my wedding day. I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to depress anyone, but until I truly experience the joy that can be given to me by only my future husband (should one exist) to balance out the pain that I will have to experience, my wedding day will be regarded with sadness.

Lastly, seeing people settle down and start their futures produces more envy that is hard to fight through. I graduate in December, and after that I'll still have 3 more grueling years of school where I will be poor, lonely, stressed, and worn out. I am so excited about the future which is why I have chosen a path that I think will be fulfilling. Unfortunately, it's also a path that is little longer, and needless to say, my anxiousness is getting the best of me. I'll get there eventually though.

So, I'm not really going insane, but I feel like all the wedding stuff is definitely a trial God has placed on my lap to strengthen my character, my attitude, and my faith. I'll get through it and just pray that God will bring me the same favor when the time is right should that be His will.

Ok, I'm done getting out those thoughts. Thanks for listening.....

Love you guys!

quick news brief...

Ok, so I have a moment and thought I would update you guys on the going-ons.....

Of course school started. I don't love my schedule because I don't love school. It is what it is...you just go through the motions and hope that you'll do well. I already have a severe case of senioritis and am still kinda disappointed that my last semester (and my last football season) are going to be somewhat grueling, but I'll survive. Hopefully anyway....

I have had a harder time adjusting this semester. I think it's because this summer I had lots of much needed "Stacy" time which I'm ultimately having to give up to focus on school. The transition from being selfish to being selfless isn't going to be easy, but as with anything, time will allow the dust to settle and eventually, I'll be able to see clearly again. I just need to get back into the daily grind. I still have a lot on my mind though which makes it hard to focus. My thoughts drift back to Daddy a lot and while I've done a lot better, I don't know if there's ever really going to be an end to the grieving process. I mean, is there ever going to be a time where it's not going to suck? Probably not. I really hate psychology and didn't want to get in the technicalities of how the grieving process really works, but I'm starting to believe that all you can do is merely reach a level of functionability, but you never really get over it. I'm heartbroken in a nontraditional sense. People can get over ex's with time. That doesn't mean you ever forget them. I'm sure that with most of you, your past relationships served as vital learning experiences that shaped who you are, but you at least reach a point where you don't think about them everyday. Relationships are replaceable, thus making your ex's more dispensable. You can't do that with your Daddy though. You only have one, and he's irreplaceable. Therefore, the hole in my heart will never be filled again. But that's ok, and even though I've realized that I'll probably never get over him, his absense in my life isn't going to hinder my ability to optimize my happiness. It's just gonna suck sometimes. And it sucks now, and that makes it harder, but since when has my life ever been easy? My revelation has helped me understand that I need to stop looking for the solution and move forward anyway. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

It's time to finish the drill! It's time to make Daddy proud.....

Hope everyone else's semester is going well. Love you guys!

"I know that God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but sometimes I wish He didn't trust me so much..." --Mother Theresa

Goodbye summer......HELLO FOOTBALL SEASON!

Well, here we are at the end of what could be my last summer of freedom....forever. Gotta love getting old.........

So I set out with the expectations of having a crappy summer, complete with the summertime blues and excessive alcohol consumption to drown my sorrows in, but I have to say that all things considered, it really wasn't too bad. We plan, God laughs, right? I had a case of sorrow way worse than the summertime blues placed on my lap, and it needed a much more constructive remedy than alcohol, but it's ok. I feel like I really found the person that I want to be, and while I didn't think my priorities were too skewed before, they are right where they need to be now. I've found the peace of the Lord and am still extremely excited in my newfound faith. I'm a little disappointed that I'm so far behind the people who have been strong in their convictions all their life, but it feels good to be sharing the road with them. I can't wait to see all the blessings God still has in store for me. There are so many great things to come!

So the GRE...yeah we won't talk about it. I mean it when I say that by the way. All I'll say is that apparently only half my brain works, and while I did well collectively (1070), I still have to kick the verbal part's ass, so I'll get back to you when that happens....

So am I excited about school? Let's just say that "excited" probably isn't the best word to use here. I'm ready to be back in the routine of things. I don't mind all of the free time although I've had some really boring moments, and while I'll miss things like reading for pleasure and watching TV, I'm ready to finish up my undergraduate degree. I am, however, ECSTATIC about football season! That's probably the best part about starting fall semester. I don't know what this football season holds for my beloved Bulldogs, but we're going out with a bang either way! So be ready!

Well, guess that's all I can blab about for now. Hope everyone is enjoying their last day of summer! I'll see you guys later!

"Everybody has their day in the sun, some just last longer than others..."

yay pictures!

So I thought I'd post some pics from our trip. Hope you enjoy them! All these pics are from Dirty Ktrain....thanks girl!

Ok, one of the things that we did was go on a "Sex and the City" tour which was one of our most favorite parts of the trip. I know it's really girly, but what do you expect? Nicki owns every season, everyone but me has seen every episode, and I happen to know for a fact that most of you guys love the show because it's like being a fly on the wall during girls night out, so quit rolling your eyes. :) The tour was really good and the actress that was our tour guide did a good job of reflecting all of the dynamics played by the girls on the show, so of course we ate it all up. We went to the sex shop where Miranda bought her $92 bunny, we ate cupcakes from "The Magnolia Bakery" around the corner from Carrie's apartment, we saw a lot of the locations where scenes were shot, and we drank cosmos at Aiden and Steve's bar. It was a great time!


From left to right, this is Nicki, me, Kristen and Melissa in front of the Carrie's stoop.


Here we are drinking cosmos....aren't we just fabulous??

Of course, we did all of the touristy stuff while we there including Times Square which was just a couple blocks from our hotel, the Empire State Building, and we went on a Harbor Tour where we rode right by the Statue of Liberty.


Stopping through Times Square on our night out on the town.


At the top of the Empire State Building with all of my little people. Melissa is really happy to be there, and the "G" on Nicki's hat stands for gorgeous. (What "G"? hehe)


On the boat before the Harbor Tour sporting our mega-cheap sunglasses (the bigger the better!)


Me and Ktrain (KT, Kristen) with the Statue of Liberty behind us. Also note the crazy tourist in the black tank top who probably took 3 roles of film of the damn statue. We tried our best to blend in....

The food in NY was absolutely amazing. The pizza was to die for, we ate a late dinner at this crazy Mexican place called "Tortilla Flatts" which was fabulous and really fun because by the time we got there, everybody was already in a drunken stupor and having a great time playing Bingo for Tequila shots. We also ate at this place called "Tao" which has great Oriental food. This restaurant was featured on "Sex and the City" and was fairly pretentious but the prices were surprisingly decent, especially considering that a lot of celebrities are spotted dining there. The cool thing was that the restaurant is really just an old warehouse. It was really dark inside so you couldn't really tell, and the only light in the restaurant came from a few sconces on the walls and from candles that were scattered everywhere. It would be a perfect place to go on a date (should I ever get to go to NY with a boy someday, haha!) The coolest part of the restaurant was the huge, 14 foot Buddha statue that they actually had to airlift with a helicopter into the warehouse. He was pretty cool.



It's kinda dark but you get the idea.

We got a couple shots of Ground Zero which looks more like a construction site, but I still wanted to share. I actually went to Ground Zero with my Dad the summer after the attacks, so it was interesting to the see the progress that they've made. Two days after I visited in 2002, they took down the last beam and removed the last beam, so needless to say, they done a lot more since. They have also taken down a lot of the tributes people had left on the fences within the vicinity of Ground Zero, but we went to a church, St. Paul's I believe, where they had some replicas of the thousands of letters, flowers, tshirts, posters, cards, American flags, etc. that were left in memory of loved ones. They are going to start with the building of the Freedom Tower and the reflection pools soon which I think will be really cool. This was definitely one of my favorite parts of the trip.



It's not much to look at, but at the same time, remembering all of the tragic events that took place is pretty painful. There is a huge hole in the south Manhattan skyline which is symbolic of the huge hole left in the hearts of millions of Americans that day. It's something we should never, ever forget.

To go along with the Ground Zero pics, we went to Madame Tussand's House of Wax where they have wax figures of famous people that you can take pictures with. We had a blast! They were freakishly lifelike and I honestly got butterflies in my stomach when I looked into Brad Pitt's eyes. I've also determined that I'm taller than most female celebrities, and have bigger boobs. Whatever, haha.


We all thought this one was really cool. I got goosebumps when I first saw it.


And for your amusement (fancy that...the joke's on me, haha!) here I am doing sign language behind Helen Keller. If you don't understand why this is hilarious, don't worry about it... ;)

Well, that's pretty much the gist of our trip. We had a great time! I better get back to studying for the GRE so that I'll do well on it tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Until next time......love you guys! ::muah::

I Heart NY

So, it's been awhile, but most of you know that I've been vacationing in NYC, and yes, it was amazing and I had a fantastic time. Since Kit was kind of enough to teach me how to post pictures on this thing, I'll be sure to share as soon as I get them. Me and the roomies got along well which I thought was pretty amazing since 4 females sharing one bathroom and being in each other's space can quickly turn into a recipe for disaster. We saw some awesome things, ate delicious food, went to a fantastic show, and optimized every minute of our time to get our money's worth out of the trip. We drank cosmos (yes, I drank....I'm sure that will excite some of you haha), almost got killed by numerous taxi drivers, sweated to death underground on the gross subway system, took great pictures, took advantage of the great shopping (ok, we all know that wasn't my favorite part, but it was ok), and I think we walked at least a bazillion miles around the city, but we had a ball. And let's not forgot about the NAKED COWBOY in Times Square. Yes, he totally made my day! :) Pictures are comin'....

So, while in NY, I was really proud of myself for how well I knew my way around the city. Being my fourth trip, I was able to remember where a lot of things were and impressed myself with my navigation skills. It made me realize that if I wanted to, I could probably survive in a big city, and what's more, I enjoy the hustle and bustle of being in a city that never sleeps. It's a place I could make feel like home should my financial status ever come to reflect the cost of living in such an expensive place. I found this realization pretty ironic. I mean, what happened to the little Perry girl with the country accent who loves to fish, hike, boat, camp out under the stars (ok, I don't like camping that much), go to rodeos, drink beer with the good ole boys, sip on sweet tea, and eat ribs until I'm covered head to toe with BBQ sauce? Pretty sure that girl doesn't belong anywhere the city. Of course, this has been the paradox of my life that contributes to a major identity crisis. You tell the good ole boys that you're from L.A. and they automatically stereotype you as the ditzy Cali girl that doesn't know the first thing about how to bait a fishing hook. Then you tell the cab driver in NY to take you to 42nd and 7th with a polite "please" and "thank you," and he laughs at you 1) for failing to hide your southern drawl and 2) for being NICE about it (that's a pretty foreign concept to those people). Then he proceeds to double your cab fare by driving in circles or by taking you to the busiest street in New York because he assumes you wouldn't know the difference. I guess that makes it seem like a lose/lose situation, but I'm choosing to be optimistic by choosing to call myself "well rounded" as I have the ability to fit in both places. Either one can be called home. It definitely puts a question mark on my future as the decision to where I make my future home has many options to debate, but it gives me the ability to be spontaneous and go wherever the wind blows, and I think I like that. :)

So on our last day in NY, I made a purchase that epitomized my identity crisis: a faux Von Dutch trucker hat in camoflage. It's stylish and trendy but it's also rugged and simple....it's the best of both worlds. Such is my life, and I think it's cool that I'm able to appreciate each end of the spectrum.

Ok, well those are my thoughts as of now. I'll have more to vent about later....

until then...

"In Forty-second Street it is a glowing summer afternoon all night: one might almost wear white trousers and a straw hat."

Why I love ice cream...

As I sit here indulging in a box of Breyer's 1/2 Calorie Ice Cream (only 70 calories per serving, and it's really not that bad), I realize how much I hate getting old. Never in my life until I turned 18 did I ever have to watch what I eat, and as the stress in my life has increased proportionally with my age, I realize that my love for ice cream has also increased as I find it to be a cumbersome remedy. How I long for simpler days.....

Me and the roomies are going to New York next Monday and I'm oober-excited. In planning the trip, however, my stress levels have peaked and I have found myself wishing that a more knowledgeable grown up would just do the job for me. While they are at it, they can pay for it too. Unfortunately, I am that grown up which means that I've had to tweak my brain and remember where things are in NYC and in the midst of planning the trip, I have gone broke. Last time I was in New York, my dad paid a lot of money to just hire an escort service to be our bitch for the day. In light of all of this, I've decided that in the future, I'm going to count on being rich so that I can hire a travel agent and a limo driver to accommodate my every need. That way I won't need to know the difference between the A train and the D train or figure out how long it's going to take me to get from point A to point B. I'll just snap my fingers put $20 in Frederick's hand, and yell at him to get me there ASAP. Wishful thinking anyways....

On top of all this planning, I've been trying to understand guys. Dean told me a long time ago that I needed to read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." At the time, when I was much younger and life was more like vanilla or chocolate instead of rocky road, I didn't feel the need to understand the differences between the two sexes. As situations get more and more complicated and as I get older and older, I think it might be time to indulge in wisdom of that sort. Either way, trying to make someone understand how I feel in an effort to simultaneous understand how they feel has ultimately turned my brain to mush as it has been overwhelmed with confusion and misunderstanding. More than anything, it confirms my convictions as posted earlier. I'm not ready to seek that understanding because I'm still trying to understand and find myself. I've got enough on my lap right now, why overwhelm myself anymore?

Ok my ice cream box is empty (don't judge me, it wasn't that full anyways!) I guess I should go to bed and dream of a time where things are much simpler. Of course, they could probably be that way now if people like me didn't make the world complicated, right? Don't blame me for having estrogen and a vagina, haha!

Love you guys....::muah::

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for toworrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own."
~Matthew 6:34

She's just not that into you either....

After the release of "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, guys were probably breathing sighs of relief to know that a "Dating Bible" had finally been published to alleviate the psychosis that tended to plague most girls in their quest to find true love. If unfamiliar with the aforementioned title, please reference my earlier blog ("This One's for the Girls..." archived in May 2005) to understand the lessons learned from those pages of wisdom.

That said, it is very important to remind ourselves that we live in 21st Century. Male domination doesn't exist in our culture as life has become a two way street. What does this mean? Oh that's right....she's just not that into you either.

Someone has actually written a book on this topic, but I haven't really taken the time to read it nor do I really care to waste my time. I am proud to say that I have enough strength to not waste my time on relationships that aren't worth the inevitable heartbreak. In the midst of my singleness, I hate to report that I, too, have been the heartbreaker, and it really sucks. But I'm not going to change my convictions about friendship being the most important element in my life....well, at least not until I find someone that I'm really "into."

Unfortunately, I don't think this is going to be anytime soon.

I've been reading the book my Dad gave me ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen). It's been a really great guide in how to change my attitude that was already in the midst of evolving due to my Dad's death. I'm happy to report that I've restored the optimism that was lost in the dark hours of the last two years of being single and hating it. I've established dreams, revamped my standards, and have regained the faith that was swallowed by all my doubts. I also realized that my Dad was absolutely right....I'm not ready to lose my freedom retained from being single. That's why I've been fighting battles with God, trying to understand his plan when really, it was only my job to have faith. "God works by faith. You must believe first, and then you'll receive. Maybe you've been waiting on God to make a move, but God is waiting on you to stretch your faith." I've stretched my faith, but I can't force myself to believe in a relationship that I thought I wanted. Only that will be changed on God's time. So for now, He is my fulfillment and my peace. When He gives me the cue, I will believe in the ultimate thing that I've sought after for years, and as promised by the Bible, He'll give me the desires of my heart. It's just not time right now.

So what do I believe? I believe that God is finished testing me, not because I've finally achieved the strength He thinks I should have, but because I've finally passed with flying colors. He's succeeded in guiding me towards His peace, and I will reside in the midst of that solitude for a while. There's just too many other things that I need to focus on right now. I graduate in December, I have a semester of working my ass off to save money for grad school, and then PT school is going to be grueling enough, thus not allowing much time for any kind of distractions. Then I hope to move to Chicago with hopes of convincing William to follow suit so that we can be closer to Dean. I'm so tired of missing my family, and I really hope that we can close up some of these gaps in the future. Maybe once I've settled down, God will reveal the guy that He's been training for me.

But I could totally be wrong. After all, God is the one with the pen in His hand. Not I. He's the only one that knows how my story will end.

But for now, my beliefs and my dreams have to be congruent, and I can't continue to live in denial about what I think I want and need. The lonely nights where I yearn for male companionship don't contain enough permanence to reveal any sort of desire for a relationship. That will just have to come in time, and I believe it'll be worth the wait. A relationship not ordained by God is nothing but a waste of time, and time is too precious to be spent on stupid boys. That's why I choose to keep most of them as friends. ;)

So yeah, that's where I'm at. I've found my peace and am 100% content with being single. And I don't even have to say that through clenched teeth.

Thanks for your attention......I love you guys!

"You may not understand everything you are going through right now, but hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and He has a great plan and purpose for your life."
--J. Osteen