I can hear the bells....

.....and it's driving me insane!!!!

What is up with the wedding fever?? With the rate that everyone's been popping questions and getting rings, I feel like my turn is coming up.......yeah right.

This is not to say that I don't rejoice in the happiness that my friends and family members have found in what I hope will be the loves of their lives. My smile is far from plastic, but right now, it's hard to flex my face muscles for any long period of time in order to maintain that smile; it's trying, but because I love my friends and family so much and because I'm honored that they've asked me to take part in the union that they will form with their significant others, I'm gonna do all that I can to dig down deep in my heart and show them the genuine happiness I have for them.

So what's masking me from expressing my true happiness? For starters, it's definitely a jealousy thing. Yep, I'm not scared to admit it. But it's a jealousy dubbed by fear. Who's to say that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with a husband? Getting married is becoming a primitive rite of passage, and these days, there are plenty of single women that grow old alone. Sometimes I feel like I've reached a level of independence that I may never be able to let go of. It's not what I want, and I know that God will give me the desires of my heart, but God placed those desires there and they work for my best interest. Only He knows what that is, thus placing a haze over the vision I have for the future. All I can do is wait.

Secondly, the whole idea of my Daddy not being there really taints the scene I envision of my wedding day. I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to depress anyone, but until I truly experience the joy that can be given to me by only my future husband (should one exist) to balance out the pain that I will have to experience, my wedding day will be regarded with sadness.

Lastly, seeing people settle down and start their futures produces more envy that is hard to fight through. I graduate in December, and after that I'll still have 3 more grueling years of school where I will be poor, lonely, stressed, and worn out. I am so excited about the future which is why I have chosen a path that I think will be fulfilling. Unfortunately, it's also a path that is little longer, and needless to say, my anxiousness is getting the best of me. I'll get there eventually though.

So, I'm not really going insane, but I feel like all the wedding stuff is definitely a trial God has placed on my lap to strengthen my character, my attitude, and my faith. I'll get through it and just pray that God will bring me the same favor when the time is right should that be His will.

Ok, I'm done getting out those thoughts. Thanks for listening.....

Love you guys!