Bah Bah Black Sheep....

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train."

Ya know, I recently heard this quote and thought it was pretty damn pessimistic, but now, I'm starting to think it's just true. I mean, seriously, when does the turmoil ever end? Sure, you can choose to deal with it courageously, but that doesn't mean it just goes away. There's always something.......life happens and will continue to do so until our dying day. I don't think there's any way to remedy that except to prepare for the next train to run you over. And I guess as long as we learn something then we'll all be alright.

I'm not going to use the excuse that I'm the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family to explain why I can't figure out what my role is supposed to be. My sister does that with my father's side of the family, and I think it just gives her an excuse to isolate herself away from our family which really doesn't fix any of the existing problems that we face. She's just different, but black and white make gray and that's who we are: The Gray's. Wow, that was cheesy.....

But still, overcoming differences with family members is perhaps one of the biggest trials that I've come to face, especially with my baby brother and my mother who happen to be birds of the same feather. I'm my father's child just like William's my mother's child. So today, as Willie and I yelled at each other for an hour, I had the revelation that in spite of all the bullshit that went down between my parents, I'm doubting they would have made it anyway. Hmmm...interesting.

So yeah, William and I yelled at each other for an hour. I'm not even sure what the argument was about. We're just different, yet we're both too stubborn to admit that we're wrong or listen to anybody else. We don't understand each other, and while I feel like I've made a valiant effort to see where he's coming from, the favor has never been returned. I try really hard to appreciate him and to appreciate my mother, but I don't think that they really even like me. It's so taboo to talk about feelings in this house, and because they don't like to talk about their feelings, mine get neglected. I don't understand that, yet they understand each other. I guess we're just supposed to ignore everybody's emotions and pretend that everything is hunky dorey all the time. But there's no way I can respect the way that someone feels if I don't know what I'm doing wrong because they can't express to me the emotions that result on behalf of my actions! How can I mend my relationships when the only time I know that I've done something wrong is when it's being thrown in my face? I'm at such a loss which is pretty unfortunate. Yet somehow, I always find it within me to break through my stubborness and try to be a bigger person in spite of it all. I extended an apology to my brother for misunderstanding me, and I apologized to my mother because she was positioned in the middle of mine and William's argument even though she's put me in the middle of her divorce with my father for the past 17 years! When does life make sense, cause today sure as hell didn't! And while everybody at my house is resting peacefully, I'm the one that's up with a caffeine headache and too much on my mind to sleep. But as my mother would say, life's not fair get over it. Ha, typical......it doesn't have to be fair, but why can't it just make sense?

What I would give for an address on Easy Street.......maybe they don't have train tunnels there.

I don't foresee myself blogging again in the next couple of days, so I hope that everyone has a Happy New Year! Take care and be safe! I love you guys!

Once upon a December...

For those of you wondering, the NY pictures are coming. Unfortunately, one-hour at Wolf Camera really translates into 3 hours, so I didn't have time to pick up my pics before leaving to come home to Perry, but I'll get them scanned in ASAP!

This month has been pretty eventful to say the least.

Daddy's birthday was December 10th, and it kinda sucked, but I remained fairly composed thanks to the distraction of being invited to attend Kit's company Christmas party and freaking out about what to wear (as much as I play it off, I can be such a girl sometimes). I hope I was a good date cause I had a lot of heavy stuff on my mind that day, but I managed to have a good time and am thankful for Kit's invitation. Then I graduated on December 17th, and Daddy made me a promise that he would be here, and I guess he was watching down on me, but that wasn't what I had in mind at the time the promise was made. I would have never fathomed him not physically being able to live up to his promise, but I graduated college as the girl God meant for me to be, and that's because of Daddy. Everybody has told me throughout the past 6 months that they have been proud of me for how courageous I've been in dealing with this situation. I've been very appreciatiative of everybody's compliments even though I was rather unaware of the display of courage I was presenting to my peers. It wasn't until recently that I realized where all the compliments were coming from. I chose not to dwell on the sorrow of Daddy's absence and decided to stare the grief in the face and fight it until I was ok. As Dean always says, Daddy wanted a party, so we had to give him one. He wouldn't have tolerated us choosing to be sad and not making the necessary steps to overcome the hardships that life threw at us. It was out of due respect that I had to figure out how stand strong in spite of the circumstances, and by doing so, I was able to apply the lessons that I learned from him. That's my way of giving back to him the many things he gave to me, and my efforts have been rewarded. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I'm ok, and in this situation that's the best that I can be.

Tonight, I made the trek back to Perry to spend Christmas with my family, and I also got to see my baby brother whom I haven't seen since July. Airman Basic Gray is a lot different than the Little Willie we sent to the Air Force 5 months ago. He's probably matured more in the last 5 months than I have in the past 3 and a half years of college. My parents love that of course, and in the midst of their pride for him they seem to have forgotten that I graduated from college last week. I have yet to hear my mom quit gloating about all the great things that William has done. Oh well. I don't take it personally because I've always been the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family, and somehow, that makes William's accomplishments more worthy of praise. I, however, know that it's apples and oranges. Oh well. Seeing William was great though. I actually had to stare at him for like 10 minutes because seeing him in uniform made it seem like I was meeting someone new for the first time. I am really proud of him, and I love that he's going to be around next week. We're going to have a blast, and I'm going to get to know the person that William has grown into. That should be pretty interesting...

Speaking of getting to know people.....I've really gotten to know someone special over the past month. For whatever reason, he's been the only thing that's really made sense lately, something I find kind of ironic since he lives 5 hours away. I'm insane, huh? He used to go to UGA and it's really crazy that we never really met and hung out before now because we share a lot of mutual friends, we both love hanging out at Boar's Head, and we even had all of our classes at Ramsey. But of course, that's just my luck, right? At any rate, he seems like a really fun kid and I think I need someone that can be just as goofy as me. He also has a way of challenging me to see other perspectives which is a good balance for me. The Gray noggin is pretty thick and not many people can get through our stubborness. He's been playing Devil's advocate a lot but he does it in a way that simply suggests there might be other answers without bluntly telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not very receptive to people questioning my omniscience (I don't think any Gray is, haha) which is why I find it interesting that he has a way of getting through to me effectively. But who knows? My track record says it won't work out, but I really think it's gonna be different this time. I guess we'll see.......

So yeah, it's been an interesting month, and we haven't even made it through Christmas yet! I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! I love you all....

GRADUATION!

Ok, so today was pretty fun. I'm really glad that my stepmom asked me to attend my commencement ceremony cause we really did have a blast! Matt Bainbridge showed up and we made fun of the huge bling bling that Pres. Michael Adams was wearing with his garb (we decided that it was a spinna, haha!) It was just fun, and even though a lot of the people I sent invitations to really didn't acknowledge what a big deal this was, going to the ceremony really emphasized how huge of a feat graduating from a prestigious university is, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself! And I wasn't really that sad that Daddy wasn't physically there because he was there, looking down at me, and I know he was damn proud as well.

I also sat behind Gerald Anderson and Bryan McClendon during the ceremony, and that was kind of cool. Even though I'm not a huge fan of BMac, he did give me a pat and say, "congratulations."

Congratulations to you too, BMac.

And yes, Melissa and I are idiots! GIDDYUP!



And yes, I ripped my gown trying to straddle that thing, haha!

It's great to be a dawg and bleed red and black! :)

Merry Christmas you guys! I love you!

COLLEGE (more specifically, undergrad)

So, it's almost over. Only one more final stands in the way of me being able to change my facebook status to "alumna" (wow, the facebook really has taken over our entire lives!) On Saturday, I will walk across another golden stage as I have completed another phase of my life that is leading me to my future. Ok, really, I'm just going to stand up and sit down when they call out my major, but you get the point. Anywho, you know what the amusing thing is about my writing this? I have a HUGE cumulative final on Friday that I should have probably started studying for last month, but here I am, reflecting on life. Procrastination prevails as it has throughout my entire undergraduate career! Oh well, my transcript still proves that I'm a genius in spite of my lack of effort. I think that's another family trait, haha! (Does that make up for my other smart ass comment, Dean?)

So yeah, it's kind of hard to believe that all this insanity is ending. I know this is a big deal, but it doesn't really feel like it due to the fact that I'm going to grad school, thus allowing me to stay within the protective walls of academia for another 3 years. No, this doesn't mean 3 more years of partying. Instead, I'm going to embark into a different kind of insanity where lack of sleep will be accompanied by lack of money, lack of personal time, lack of football Saturdays (I'm still in denial about this one) and ultimately, lack of a life. But that's ok, it'll all be worth it in the end when I force you to address me as Dr. Gray! (jk) It'll be exciting to open my story to this new chapter, and I'm ready for a little change of scenery. I will miss my roommates IMMENSELY, and leaving Athens will be very bittersweet, but all good things must come to an end, and I'm accepting the responsibilities that lie before me. At present, I have been accepted to Armstrong Atlantic State University in Savannah, and I have an interview pending at Medical College of Georgia. I guess we'll see what happens. Of course, I'll be sure to keep you updated. ;)

Tonight, in the midst of my boredom, I thumbed through a lot of the pictures that I have collected through my college years, and it was kind of interesting to take a short retrospective journey back to the Stacy I was before I truly discovered myself. I came to college with one of my best friends from high school and with my boyfriend's class ring on my finger thinking that I was set and that the only thing I would truly need to learn would be in the classroom. Now, I barely ever speak to my first roommate (although I should note that it's a miracle that we even talk at all considering our little fallout that we had after only one semester), I've been single for the past 3 years, and out of all 122 hours worth of classes I've taken, I probably won't ever revisit any of the information that I learned in a majority of them. However, I will take the experiences, the past 3 and half years of AMAZING experiences with me as they have ultimately served as the building materials for the foundations of my character.

In the past three and a half years, I've experienced the pains of many different kinds of losses, I've had my heart broken, I've made impulsive mistakes, I've woken up in the morning regretting the events of the night before, I've learned to nurse a hangover, I've yelled until I was hoarse for my beloved football team, I've pulled multiple all-nighters, I've learned to like coffee, I grew boobs, I discovered my love for beer, I've crammed countless amounts of information in my head only to kill my poor little brain cells with alcohol, I've danced many nights away, I did my first keg stand, I've lost friends, I've gained new friends, I've mended torn friendships, I've spent approximately 704957209347502437 hours chatting online and another 23495024850475 facebooking people, I've laughed, I've cried, I've gone on amazing road trips, I've learned not to care about what I look like in public, I've made midnight runs to Kroger for ice cream, I've been woken up in the middle of the night to pick up drunk friends, I learned to play beer pong, flip cup, and Kings, I've come to appreciate my friends as they ultimately became my family, I came to appreciate my family as they were gradually weaned from my daily life, I have fought with my roommates over who should do the dishes, I've learned patience and respect for other authorities, I've learned to appreciate the money my parents have given me and how hard they've worked to make this experience possible, I found God, I found myself, and I learned to love life! Whew! I've been a busy little girl! But it's all been worth it, and I love the person that I have grown into. If only everybody could have the experience of college.......

Thanks to all of you who made this experience even more special. You know who you are.. ;)

And it's off to bed with me! Tomorrow's gonna be a long one! Love you guys!

Memories put a song in your heart....
"So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left...in Athens."
~1 Thessalonians 3:1

Finals (and all that they entail)

Finals. What can you really say? Being the last finals week that I will experience in my undergraduate career, I've come to know that students handle finals in one of two ways:

1) They set up camp at the SLC/library where they stay up for the entire week, overindulging on Jittery Joe's "crackacinnos" (yes, it's a real drink consisting of FOUR shots of espresso) and cramming insane amounts of information into their heads until their brains are fried and they can't think straight in hopes that they'll be able to regurgitate information accurately enough to maintain their A averages.

OR

2) They have way too much time on their hands due to not having to regularly attend class, thus allowing them to spend HOURS facebooking people (I was facebooked 9 times today), watching movies/TV, chatting on instant messenger, and basically doing everything BUT studying because they don't think the drive towards insanity is worth earning an A when having a B average earns you the same piece of paper.

Needless to say, I fall into the second category. I have a presentation in 6 hours, and I'm so restless from being bored that I'm up blogging. Ok, maybe it's because presentations don't scare me. I'm pretty good at getting up in front of people and talking out of my ass. It's a talent that might possibly be genetic, but either way, I'm not too worried. And yes, I have tests that I could be studying for, but being the math wizard I am and having already calculated the grades that I must earn to make the grades I want in my classes, my motivation level is waaaaaaaaay down (I have to make a 50, 66, and an 80 to get the grades I want....I could probably do that right now!) So yeah, count me out. I'm not the good student this week. It's simply not worth it.

In fact, I'm more stressed out about graduation. Ah, another get-together with members of both sides of my family. That always equals disaster, and my mother has already thrown her selfishness in my face and given me the silent treatment. Awesome. And of course Daddy won't be there which adds to the joy of this milestone event. Maybe I can just sleep through it, but at the rate I'm going, I probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep. So, maybe we can resort to the back-up plan: liquor. After all, it's been the grand finale of every finals week so far. We wouldn't want to break tradition now would we?

Well, that's enough rambling for now. Hope everyone does well on their finals. I'll be praying for ya!

'Night guys...

Brace yourself...

Ya know, as much as I love the sound of rain, listening to it in solitude can really make you somber. And of course, my first impulse is to write a blog even though I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm just feeling inspired, so we're just going to see where this goes.

I've run across a couple of new thoughts that have kind of left me scratching my head. It mostly has to do with protecting yourself by finding a happy medium between pushing people away in fear of getting hurt and making yourself vulnerable by completely discarding painful memories of past experiences. I think that this concept can be applied to a lot of situations. I know I dealt with it when I went through my father's death. As much as you want to forget the entire grieving experience, it's important to keep it in the back of your mind because with the right perspective, there is so much wisdom to be gained. But you can't guard yourself from the inevitable by failing to let yourself get close to people in fear of losing them. It can also be applied to relationships. I think that it's very important to understand people's past experiences as they truly are the tools that shape one's character, but you can't use past experiences as an excuse for present actions as it is completely unacceptable to let the past impede on your present occupations.

But how do you find that happy medium?

When I apply this to my own situation, I find it very hard to control my thoughts. It's definitely one of the bigger challenges that I face because protecting myself has almost become an automatic response with all of the turmoil that I've gone through. In trying to respect the idea, I've made a more valiant effort to change the way that I percieve things, but it seems like some of our experiences have the same template, and when you recognize the course of action that some situations take, it's hard to expect a different outcome. By the same token, we build these walls of protection out of fear, and fear is merely faith in the enemy. That said, could we not alter the outcome by merely having faith in the goodness of each situation that we encounter?

I've found that this is a challenge shared by many. A good friend of mine can't discard the idea of her boyfriend cheating on her even after the amount of time that they've stayed faithful to each other. She explained to me that discarding the very notion of him engaging in relations with someone other than her would merely reinforce the dependence that she has on him, thus making it harder for her to deal with such a situation should she ever come across it.

I have friends that fear relationships and have decided to save themselves for later when they know that they can find someone truly responsible to handle their hearts in a way that would not reopen old wounds. I also have friends who are so scared of being alone that they engage in the physical aspect of a relationship before the love is present in an attempt to feel close to someone, even if it's only temporary. The outcome of both of these situations are ultimately detrimental, but it's all they know to do to alleviate the fear that they have of getting hurt.

So where's the happy medium?

I've recently found myself getting to know someone that I've found to be truly amazing and we've both expressed out interest in each other. In approaching the situation, however, and with my recent experiences hovering over every thought that I've had, my skeptical attitude has prevailed. I've subconsciously dubbed this another situation that will chisel away another piece of my heart in yet another transition towards finding my ultimate happiness. But why would I do this? Well this guy is different (definitely said that before) and he just makes me really giddy and I can't wait until the next minute that I get to talk to him (uh huh....tell me something new, right?) and well, isn't it time that something worked out because this just seems to keep happening (right, that's the worst justification ever!) Bottom line is that there is no logical explanation as to why I should put out the skepticism burning within me because this situation is taking the same course of action as with every other relationship that I've tried to form in the past three years.

SO HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND MY HAPPY MEDIUM?

The only answer that I've really come to is that as long as my actions don't reflect the ideas that really scroll through my head, then there's no way that I can let my thoughts sabotage this situation. I may not know now why I shouldn't be skeptical, but my questions will be answered with time, and my thoughts will eventually become more congruent with my actions. It is then that I will find a happy medium between the two extremes. I'm of course reinforcing my happy medium with faith in myself, faith in him, and faith in God, and hopefully this will put me in a place that has become foreign to me over time. Hopefully......

I guess that's not too bad for an impulsive need to blog, huh? G'night y'all! And Go DAWGS! SEC Champs! (LSwho?)

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"
~Walt Whitman

junk.....

Ok, so I'm bored and Stacy Crook sent me this thing and it was kind of fun, so what the hell, right? Enjoy!

List 20 People You Can Think Of Right Off Your Head
1. Billy W.
2. Kristen
3. Emily
4. Pallie
5. Staisha
6. Kit
7. Jeb
8. Abbey
9. Melissa
10. Jojo
11. Dean
12. Mischa
13. Brandi
14. Jaclyn
15. Jamie
16. Kirsten
17. Mina
18. Terri
19. Rob
20. Willie

How did you meet 13? She's my niece!

What would you do if you had never met 5? Holy cow, life with no Staisha is like living without a heart! She is my absolute best friend ever!

Have you ever liked 3? I love Emily!

Would 4 and 11 make a good couple? Well, considering that Dean, my brother, is married, and Pallie, my roommate has a boyfriend of like 6 years, absolutely not! They would probably get along though...

Would 1 and 7 make a lovely couple? Jeb and Billy? I dunno bout that...haha!

On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14? Jaclyn is off the charts! At least a 15!

What language does 10 speak? Jojo definitely only speaks English...

Who is 8 going out with? Jebbers!

Is 9 a boy or a girl? she's a girly girl!

When was the last time you talked to 18? Terri....well we email each other a lot, but I haven't had a real conversation with her since my Dad's funeral.

What is 1's favorite band? Hmmm...I dunno...

Does 2 have any siblings? Yes, Alex

Would you ever date 5? Hell yeah I'd date Staisha in a heartbeat (if I were a guy of course!)

Is 15 single? No, Jamie's ENGAGED!

What is 5's middle name? Catherine (I love that all the hard questions are about my best friend!)

What is 2's fantasy? To go to Spain (that's her clean fantasy anyway, haha!)

Would 7 and 19 make a good couple? Oh my gosh, why do we keep trying to hook Jeb up with other guys?

Whats 16's favorite color? I have no clue!

What school does 6 go to? Kit is a UGA alumni (I will be too in 17 days!)

Where does 9 live? Across the hall!

Would you make out with 1? Perhaps...... :)

Are 5 and 20 best friends? No because Staisha is my best friend! But her and William are so much fun to be around!

What is your history with 20? He's my brother and I love him dearly!

What's your history with 1? I'm working on one... ;)

Do you like 17? Yeah. I'd like him even more if I could actually hang out with him!

Have you ever gone out with any of the numbers? Yeah...

If so, who? Jojo (we don't talk about that), Mina's taken me to dinner before, William pays for me at the movies sometimes.

Do you have a crush on any of the numbers? Wouldn't you like to know?

Does 20 think 4 is hot? William has never met Pallie...so I dunno...

How close are 10 and 8 to you? Yeah they are part of the Perry crew and I love watching football with them!

Would 1,5,10,15 and 20 be good friends?
Well Jamie and Staisha are already friends and they just adore William, and Billy's never met any of them but I'm sure they would all be fun to hang out with!

If 19 and 13 werent in your life would it be differnt? Most definitely!