Brace yourself...

Ya know, as much as I love the sound of rain, listening to it in solitude can really make you somber. And of course, my first impulse is to write a blog even though I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm just feeling inspired, so we're just going to see where this goes.

I've run across a couple of new thoughts that have kind of left me scratching my head. It mostly has to do with protecting yourself by finding a happy medium between pushing people away in fear of getting hurt and making yourself vulnerable by completely discarding painful memories of past experiences. I think that this concept can be applied to a lot of situations. I know I dealt with it when I went through my father's death. As much as you want to forget the entire grieving experience, it's important to keep it in the back of your mind because with the right perspective, there is so much wisdom to be gained. But you can't guard yourself from the inevitable by failing to let yourself get close to people in fear of losing them. It can also be applied to relationships. I think that it's very important to understand people's past experiences as they truly are the tools that shape one's character, but you can't use past experiences as an excuse for present actions as it is completely unacceptable to let the past impede on your present occupations.

But how do you find that happy medium?

When I apply this to my own situation, I find it very hard to control my thoughts. It's definitely one of the bigger challenges that I face because protecting myself has almost become an automatic response with all of the turmoil that I've gone through. In trying to respect the idea, I've made a more valiant effort to change the way that I percieve things, but it seems like some of our experiences have the same template, and when you recognize the course of action that some situations take, it's hard to expect a different outcome. By the same token, we build these walls of protection out of fear, and fear is merely faith in the enemy. That said, could we not alter the outcome by merely having faith in the goodness of each situation that we encounter?

I've found that this is a challenge shared by many. A good friend of mine can't discard the idea of her boyfriend cheating on her even after the amount of time that they've stayed faithful to each other. She explained to me that discarding the very notion of him engaging in relations with someone other than her would merely reinforce the dependence that she has on him, thus making it harder for her to deal with such a situation should she ever come across it.

I have friends that fear relationships and have decided to save themselves for later when they know that they can find someone truly responsible to handle their hearts in a way that would not reopen old wounds. I also have friends who are so scared of being alone that they engage in the physical aspect of a relationship before the love is present in an attempt to feel close to someone, even if it's only temporary. The outcome of both of these situations are ultimately detrimental, but it's all they know to do to alleviate the fear that they have of getting hurt.

So where's the happy medium?

I've recently found myself getting to know someone that I've found to be truly amazing and we've both expressed out interest in each other. In approaching the situation, however, and with my recent experiences hovering over every thought that I've had, my skeptical attitude has prevailed. I've subconsciously dubbed this another situation that will chisel away another piece of my heart in yet another transition towards finding my ultimate happiness. But why would I do this? Well this guy is different (definitely said that before) and he just makes me really giddy and I can't wait until the next minute that I get to talk to him (uh huh....tell me something new, right?) and well, isn't it time that something worked out because this just seems to keep happening (right, that's the worst justification ever!) Bottom line is that there is no logical explanation as to why I should put out the skepticism burning within me because this situation is taking the same course of action as with every other relationship that I've tried to form in the past three years.

SO HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND MY HAPPY MEDIUM?

The only answer that I've really come to is that as long as my actions don't reflect the ideas that really scroll through my head, then there's no way that I can let my thoughts sabotage this situation. I may not know now why I shouldn't be skeptical, but my questions will be answered with time, and my thoughts will eventually become more congruent with my actions. It is then that I will find a happy medium between the two extremes. I'm of course reinforcing my happy medium with faith in myself, faith in him, and faith in God, and hopefully this will put me in a place that has become foreign to me over time. Hopefully......

I guess that's not too bad for an impulsive need to blog, huh? G'night y'all! And Go DAWGS! SEC Champs! (LSwho?)

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"
~Walt Whitman