Bah Bah Black Sheep....
"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train."
Ya know, I recently heard this quote and thought it was pretty damn pessimistic, but now, I'm starting to think it's just true. I mean, seriously, when does the turmoil ever end? Sure, you can choose to deal with it courageously, but that doesn't mean it just goes away. There's always something.......life happens and will continue to do so until our dying day. I don't think there's any way to remedy that except to prepare for the next train to run you over. And I guess as long as we learn something then we'll all be alright.
I'm not going to use the excuse that I'm the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family to explain why I can't figure out what my role is supposed to be. My sister does that with my father's side of the family, and I think it just gives her an excuse to isolate herself away from our family which really doesn't fix any of the existing problems that we face. She's just different, but black and white make gray and that's who we are: The Gray's. Wow, that was cheesy.....
But still, overcoming differences with family members is perhaps one of the biggest trials that I've come to face, especially with my baby brother and my mother who happen to be birds of the same feather. I'm my father's child just like William's my mother's child. So today, as Willie and I yelled at each other for an hour, I had the revelation that in spite of all the bullshit that went down between my parents, I'm doubting they would have made it anyway. Hmmm...interesting.
So yeah, William and I yelled at each other for an hour. I'm not even sure what the argument was about. We're just different, yet we're both too stubborn to admit that we're wrong or listen to anybody else. We don't understand each other, and while I feel like I've made a valiant effort to see where he's coming from, the favor has never been returned. I try really hard to appreciate him and to appreciate my mother, but I don't think that they really even like me. It's so taboo to talk about feelings in this house, and because they don't like to talk about their feelings, mine get neglected. I don't understand that, yet they understand each other. I guess we're just supposed to ignore everybody's emotions and pretend that everything is hunky dorey all the time. But there's no way I can respect the way that someone feels if I don't know what I'm doing wrong because they can't express to me the emotions that result on behalf of my actions! How can I mend my relationships when the only time I know that I've done something wrong is when it's being thrown in my face? I'm at such a loss which is pretty unfortunate. Yet somehow, I always find it within me to break through my stubborness and try to be a bigger person in spite of it all. I extended an apology to my brother for misunderstanding me, and I apologized to my mother because she was positioned in the middle of mine and William's argument even though she's put me in the middle of her divorce with my father for the past 17 years! When does life make sense, cause today sure as hell didn't! And while everybody at my house is resting peacefully, I'm the one that's up with a caffeine headache and too much on my mind to sleep. But as my mother would say, life's not fair get over it. Ha, typical......it doesn't have to be fair, but why can't it just make sense?
What I would give for an address on Easy Street.......maybe they don't have train tunnels there.
I don't foresee myself blogging again in the next couple of days, so I hope that everyone has a Happy New Year! Take care and be safe! I love you guys!
Ya know, I recently heard this quote and thought it was pretty damn pessimistic, but now, I'm starting to think it's just true. I mean, seriously, when does the turmoil ever end? Sure, you can choose to deal with it courageously, but that doesn't mean it just goes away. There's always something.......life happens and will continue to do so until our dying day. I don't think there's any way to remedy that except to prepare for the next train to run you over. And I guess as long as we learn something then we'll all be alright.
I'm not going to use the excuse that I'm the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family to explain why I can't figure out what my role is supposed to be. My sister does that with my father's side of the family, and I think it just gives her an excuse to isolate herself away from our family which really doesn't fix any of the existing problems that we face. She's just different, but black and white make gray and that's who we are: The Gray's. Wow, that was cheesy.....
But still, overcoming differences with family members is perhaps one of the biggest trials that I've come to face, especially with my baby brother and my mother who happen to be birds of the same feather. I'm my father's child just like William's my mother's child. So today, as Willie and I yelled at each other for an hour, I had the revelation that in spite of all the bullshit that went down between my parents, I'm doubting they would have made it anyway. Hmmm...interesting.
So yeah, William and I yelled at each other for an hour. I'm not even sure what the argument was about. We're just different, yet we're both too stubborn to admit that we're wrong or listen to anybody else. We don't understand each other, and while I feel like I've made a valiant effort to see where he's coming from, the favor has never been returned. I try really hard to appreciate him and to appreciate my mother, but I don't think that they really even like me. It's so taboo to talk about feelings in this house, and because they don't like to talk about their feelings, mine get neglected. I don't understand that, yet they understand each other. I guess we're just supposed to ignore everybody's emotions and pretend that everything is hunky dorey all the time. But there's no way I can respect the way that someone feels if I don't know what I'm doing wrong because they can't express to me the emotions that result on behalf of my actions! How can I mend my relationships when the only time I know that I've done something wrong is when it's being thrown in my face? I'm at such a loss which is pretty unfortunate. Yet somehow, I always find it within me to break through my stubborness and try to be a bigger person in spite of it all. I extended an apology to my brother for misunderstanding me, and I apologized to my mother because she was positioned in the middle of mine and William's argument even though she's put me in the middle of her divorce with my father for the past 17 years! When does life make sense, cause today sure as hell didn't! And while everybody at my house is resting peacefully, I'm the one that's up with a caffeine headache and too much on my mind to sleep. But as my mother would say, life's not fair get over it. Ha, typical......it doesn't have to be fair, but why can't it just make sense?
What I would give for an address on Easy Street.......maybe they don't have train tunnels there.
I don't foresee myself blogging again in the next couple of days, so I hope that everyone has a Happy New Year! Take care and be safe! I love you guys!
posted by Stacy @ 1:22 AM
1 Comments:
At 2:01 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Stacy, I am sorry that all the high hopes and expectations that you had for your visit with William did not work out as you had planned.
As being the black sheep of the family, you are not. Our family is big with everyone having different personalities and baggage that we bring that with us. Most everyone in the family has or still feels like the black sheep. Part of feeling this way is our perception that we do not belong or do not have anything that we can contribute to the other person. I myself have and still feel this way. Especially now that Dad is not here.
I kept in the background so that Dad could have a relationship with his children and now that he is not here, I have to learn to have that relationship with you kids. I believe that everyone in this family has at one time or other has felt like the black sheep. So take comfort that you are not alone.
How to overcome this I am not sure, I wish that I could say the magic words or to take a pill and all of this will be better. The only thing that I can say is do not lose hope and do not let them bring you down to their levels. You have come a long way, you are a different person, and at a different stage in your life and you may never be at the same place at the same time as they are. We have to accept things for what they are and that is that we are all different and God made us this way for a reason. I am not sure why he would put a family together that are so different in personality and aspects in life.
God has put in my path the story of Martha and Mary (found in Luke). They are two sisters one is like me and the other is like Mischa. Neither is right or wrong in the way that they approach life. One takes wants to take care of the physical aspect of our daily life where the other is more concern with the emotional being. I am finding that there is hope for me to change and accept things and know that God will take care of the little things in life IF I make the time to have a relationship with Him. Which is the reason why He has placed each and every one of us on this earth.
This is one of those times that I really miss Dad; he always seems to have the right answers and the right words to say to help us feel better. I wish that I could be there to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on and to let you know that things will be all right, but know that I am doing it electronically and in my prayers.
Lynne
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home