June 12th

Today has a lot of implications, and based on my lack of sleep due to the nightmares that I've been having all week proceeding today, I've been struck with feelings of dread. However, I'm trying to retain an optimistic spirit. After all, that's what Daddy would've wanted.

If nothing else, today has been an indicator as to how far I've come along since hearing the news of Daddy's death. My memories of June 12th, 2005 are so vivid in my head right down to the ringer I had on my phone at the time when Dean called (Mickey Mouse Club) to hitting the floor after asking "What?" about 18 times after Dean said "he didn't make it" to having to call William and crying so hard that I sounded like a patient with Broca's Aphasia when I tried to tell him what happened. I remember Nicki showing up and wrapping me in her arms, I remember talking to Staisha and Kristen, I remember emailing my professor to tell him that I'd be missing the test, and then I remember deciding that I'd be able to run 4 miles with Nicki since we had already made plans to do so before Dean called, but then realized that trying to run 4 miles while holding back tears causes your throat to close up, thus making it hard to run (I did make it 4 miles though....miraculously). I remembered not having an appetite (an anomoly for me) and I remember my phone ringing off the hook and breaking down with each person that I talked to. I remember finding the Father's Day card I'd already signed and addressed, I remember wondering what to do with it, and I remember Mina and John showing up with lillies which I thought was so sweet, thus making me cry even harder. I remember talking to mom and her showing genuine sympathy for me, and I remember crying myself to sleep absolutely wanting to die. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to live without my Daddy??

A year later, I sit here, and while I've found myself experiencing the same feelings of despair and crying myself to sleep every night all over again, I'm still really proud of myself because I am ok. It still hurts, but it will always hurt. Other than that, I've really come a long way. Dean and I have a better relationship than ever. Mischa has become one of my best confidantes. William and I have grown closer and have found a new appreciation for each other. I've learned to appreciate the people in my life a little better. I've been motivated to take better care of myself and others, and I get to harp on Dean for his cholesterol being too high without him getting too mad at me! And most importantly, I've found myself closer to God in my walk of life, and in learning to trust Him, I've been able to obtain a sort of happiness I've never been able to feel before. And, I know I've made Daddy proud. I've done my best at finding the rainbow in this storm, and I know that if nothing else, Daddy is smiling down on me, and that's the most that I could possibly do.

I ask for your prayers. I know I'm ok, but today is going to be hard, this week is going to be hard, and Father's Day is going to be hard. There's an emptiness that's never going to go away, and I'm going to be reminded of that as I face today.

Today ends the "the year of the firsts" and it also marks the birthday of Daddy in heaven. It can only get easier from here. But I still miss the hell outta my Daddy.

I love y'all so much, and I thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers over the past year. They've meant the world to me.

Until next time...

"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers

RMG (December 10th, 1952 - June 12th, 2005)