Russell M. Gray (1952-2005)

My oldest brother asked me at my father's viewing on Wednesday night if I needed a few minutes alone to say goodbye to Daddy. My answer to him was "no" because I didn't feel like yelling at him. After continuous crying for the past week and a half, I realize that if I don't get my anger out, I'm going to be bitter for a very long time. I haven't been able to sit down and think about how my father's passing is really going to affect me because I've been so emotionally wound up that I can't think straight. Now that the dust is settling, it's time to pray. I know I probably should have started praying June 12, but there was an endless marquee of thoughts rolling through my head and they were so unorganized that that I couldn't figure out what to pray about. Where do you start? You need God so much at times like this that it's hard to know exactly what to ask for. So I just cried and let the people that love and care about me pray that Jesus would wrap His arms around me and get me through it. The battle is not over, but time will help mend my wounds and provide me with a new path to walk down. A person's convictions become so much more poignant when they are no longer here. My father's words to me during our last conversation have been echoing in my head for days. Daddy told me that my intelligence coupled with my common sense made me special and that the obstacles that keep coming my way are only making me stronger because I have the capacity to absorb all that the Lord has to show me, but he warned me that I should refrain from becoming overzealous and strive to show more compassion to the people that I encounter because only then will I be able to effectively spread the great truths I discover through my experiences. Of course he's biased in believing in me so much, but he's right...with my attention span running on a short circuit, it's hard to be patient with people, but only when I learn to do so will I be able to touch their hearts. Daddy has left me with a great challenge, and I would be dumb not to walk in this direction in which I have been lead. If I don't do it for anyone else, I have to do it for Daddy. After all, he was my hero.

But I'm still too mad to think about what happens next. I have the inspiration and tools I need to get where I intend to go, but I have to discard these unruly emotions before I take those first steps. The grieving process takes a lot of time and patience, and I still feel very betrayed by Daddy for leaving us. It's not his fault of course because fighting against the Lord's will is a battle you simply cannot win. But it really sucks that he's not coming back. We'll never share another embrace, we've taken the last fishing trip, he'll never be able to make me Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes (complete with the secret ingredient)......... He doesn't get to see me graduate from college or med school, he won't be there to walk me down the aisle, and my kids will only know their grandfather by the legacy he left behind. It's so unfair. My parents' divorce already stripped us of precious time, and now we won't even have the opportunity to get it back. It just doesn't add up, but there's no point in asking questions I'm not going to get the answers to. I just have to trust God 110% on this one and hope that Daddy is up there pulling some strings for me. And I know that he is in a happier place, but that doesn't make it easier to accept the fact that he's gone. I don't get to be Daddy's Baby Girl anymore, and that sucks worse than you can EVER imagine.

I saw my daddy two weeks before he passed at my brother's graduation. The last time I saw him was very monumental and will be something I always remember. That was probably one of the best conversations we've ever had. Sometimes, the surplus of miles and lack of effort made it hard to form a relationship, and while there were times that I would question whether or not Daddy really knew me, Daddy knew my heart. He understood my pain and my feelings simply because his emotions are the same as mine. It's an unspoken understanding that we share. It's comforting to know that I have my dad's heart because my dad touched a lot of people. If I could touch only half the people my daddy touched, the world would be a helluva lot better. Daddy believed in people and their natural goodness which is something I am going to strive to do. My daddy's heart was so big that there was enough love to go around for everybody. It makes it kind of ironic that his heart is what killed him. It's like God knew that my daddy had accomplished everything that He intended for him to do, but dammit, I wish it would have taken him 100 years instead of only 52. But what can you do? With things like this being thrown at you so suddenly, you have no choice but to accept it. My daddy's favorite poem was "Footprints" and I just pray that the Lord will carry me. There is nothing that can prepare anybody for this kind of pain. I've had to say goodbye to my daddy so many times throughout the years, and it always sucked, and here we are at the grand finale of it all, and I'm no stronger this time than I was the first. But in spite of it all, I know my daddy lived a fulfilling life, and I can rest easier knowing that he was happy. I just pray that somehow, he'll shine his happiness down on me so that I can get through this pain and find peace in his absence by remembering that he's in my heart. It's not gonna be easy because I loved him so damn much, but I have to do it for him. I just need time, but we're all Gray's....we'll get through this cause that's what we do. I just hope we get through it soon.

I wanted to say that I really appreciate everybody's concern and sympathy throughout all of this. I needed your compassion more than ever, and I don't think anybody failed to express how much they care. Thanks guys, it really speaks volumes.

Take care everyone....I love you all so much....'night....

"One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. Hen oticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said tha tonce I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You."