How high and what color?

Ok, so those of you that know me at all are probably wondering why I haven't rambled about relationships/guys/love/etc. in a while. I'm sure that it's particularly shocking since I've moved to a new city filled with new potential prospects. Well, surprisingly, I haven't been letting the idea of a relationship fester every thought. Sure, I have found some eye candy, and yes, I have been plotting out how I'm going to meet some of the other med students not in my program, but at the same time, I'm not really trying at all. I've decided that I'm going to let it happen naturally. For the first time ever, I'm not going to let my wants take precedence over my needs; therefore, I'm not going to try to take the wheel and steer my own destiny. And I think that this time, I might actually get what I want.

My sister sent me an email the other day while she was at work asking me if she thought it was possible to date someone and fall in love with the idea of a relationship instead of the person. She then proceeded to tell me her most recent story which explained the reason she was asking. To give her an answer, I retreated back to the memories of the many different guys that I dated while I was in Athens, and I thought about whether or not my actions were influenced by my feelings for the other person or by my incessant desire to be in a relationship. Furthermore, I found that her story was parallel to my most recent attempt at a relationship which helped me to answer her question more thoroughly than I could have imagined. And in doing so, I think I learned a lot about myself.

Those of us who desperately want to be loved try so hard that we end up damaging ourselves in the process. We get our hopes up and when our relentless prayers remain unanswered, our hearts falter until they are so chipped, battered, and broken that we give up on that person, but then we pick ourselves up and try again. It's a vicious cycle that makes us weaker and weaker each time that we go through it. And it gets old, but it can never kill our dream of finding someone special, so we pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.

In our attempts, we find that we also become more and more submissive to the other person's needs. We figure, "hey, maybe if I keep him happy and do everything he asks, this one will stay around." When he asks us to jump, we ask him, "how high? and what color?" We figure that getting all the details right will keep him happy and let him know that we care, but this makes it too easy for him. He wants a challenge that we are not willing to give him because we want it to work out and be simple. In the end, he gets bored and eventually leaves. And we start over.

What I realized that in being so submissive, I wasn't actually building a real relationship because they weren't getting to know the real me that's really stubborn and loves to get her way. My actions were a result of wanting a relationship, not wanting the person. So yes, I think it is possible to fall in love with the idea of a relationship. However, mine and Alishia's more recent stories don't suggest this. We each broke the cycle and really found someone, but unfortunately for both of us, it ended the same way.

She and I both ran into situations where the guys' needs and our needs came into conflict with each other, thus forcing us to make a compromise. Basically, we were both caught in separate love triangles where we were trying to form a relationship with a guy while dealing with an ex that was still very much in the picture. In effort to alleviate the turmoil caused by such a sticky situation, both me and my sister backed off and gave our guys space in an attempt to let them figure out what they truly wanted. We sacrificed our own needs to relieve them of the pressure in making their decisions.

At the time, it seemed easy to write them off and move on. After all, we'd done it so many times before, and THE BOOK says that if they can't just pick you, then they must not be that into you, right? But in answering my sister's question, I realized that the altruism I exuded in my own situation indicated that I was very much in love with the person versus the idea of a relationship. I realized that my decision to back off was one of the hardest decisions I'd ever made and perhaps the only time that I had ever truly put my own needs behind someone else's. I wasn't fulfilling their needs for my benefit, but rather, for theirs. Unfortunately for me, to care that deeply and make such a sacrifice wasn't acknowledged in the final decision. When a person exits a love triangle, the cheese stands alone while the remaining duo change their facebook status and add each other's names. But, as a result of that, I became the challenge that walked away which made me intriguing in spite of the decision he made. As a result, I had to forget about my own desires (again) that were still very much present, and ask the guy to exit my life so that he could not taunt me. And he did.

You can love somebody and not want to be with them - sometimes, a person can be so confused that they don't recognize their own needs. When you can identify them on their behalf, fulfill them, and choose to walk away in spite of what you want, then you've just made a statement that speaks volumes about your feelings for that particular person. Unfortunately, they are still so confused that they can't recognize your efforts. At the same time, perhaps we, too, are so confused that we don't recognize our own needs, but by walking away, we might be saving ourselves from an even bigger heartache.

So what's the bottom line? The only sacrifice worth making for somebody is the one where you let their needs take precedence over your own. Because your actions are influenced by your feelings for them versus your desire to be loved, you can identify that you love them and NOT just what role you want them to fulfill. And even if your efforts aren't rewarded, things will work out just the way that they are supposed to because the person who turns around and reciprocates the same sacrifice is the one that is going to stay in your life. He's the one you want.

Being entirely submissive to someone's needs isn't going to make him stick around any longer. So care for you and only you, and things will work themselves out. Right now, that's all I can really do, so that's my plan and I'm stickin to it!

Ok, no more rambling about love/relationships/guys/etc! Love y'all!

"I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. Its exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks."
~George, Grey's Anatomy
Sorry Kit, the quote was extremely fitting for this blog. I had to do it.