Getting the healing done...
"Who is Matt?? "
"You're in a relationship?!?!"
"Why is it complicated??"
These are some of the most recent questions that people have been asking me, but unfortunately, I'm at a loss for how to explain the situation. Basically, I've found myself in the same predicament that I've been in with every other guy that I've "dated" (I use that term loosely) for the past 3 years. You know how it goes...things are great, everything's going my way, then he falls off the face of the earth and I automatically interpret it as he's just not that into me. I desperately try to replenish whatever harm I might have done, but it's usually pretty unsuccessful. Then things just go downhill. If you know me at all, you know how pessimistic and skeptical I get in these situations. And you also know how much it brings me down. What gives?
Matt promised to never leave me hanging, and technically, I guess he hasn't. I watched him give a lot of respect to his ex-girlfriend by making sure that they ended on good terms by being completely honest with her. Why wouldn't he give me that same respect? Right? My biggest error in this situation is that I've stereotyped Matt with every other guy that's let me down. No one else ever gave me the closure that I so wish that I could have had. There were never any explanations, and I never got any answers. It just faded into nothing, and I got over it. So having not talked to Matt since Sunday has me on edge and assuming that it's over.
But why?
Because the wounds of my past haven't healed, and they are ultimately shaping my current expectations and dictating the outcome of the situation before I even get the chance to see if it will work.
My sister-in-law, Mischa, started reading "Captivating" (you can find references to this book in the January 2006 archives) and she's encouraged me to re-read the book with her so that we can discuss it together. I'll admit, I've been slacking lately, but last night, in looking for some sort of inspiration to calm my on-edge nerves, I read 3 chapters and found answers to questions that had been scrolling through my head. Here's what I realized:
1) the reason that my "relationships" never fabricate into anything real is because I never give them the chance. My bleeding heart attracts the same kind of results because the outcome has already been pre-determined by my attitude. Therefore, the only way to let God give me the desires of my heart is by first letting Him into my heart to heal my wounds. Once I can fully let go of the past, my attitude will change and I can accomplish all the things that I have been dreaming about.
2) the reason that God continually lets me thwart my relationships is because He knows how much they mean to me. School and work don't mean as much to me as my family and relationships do; therefore, when it comes to relationships, He lets me fall as far as I need to until I remember how much I need His blessing. There's a very big void in my heart that was deepened even more after I lost Daddy. It's easy for a guy like Matt to fill that void because he's such a sweet, amazing guy, but Matt can't be the one to fill that void; God is the only one that can heal my heart in the way that I really need. Therefore, He capitalizes on my impatience, my aggressiveness, and my passion for wanting a relationship so bad by ultimately letting me destroy all my chances. As a result, I find myself at the bottom, and He's the only thing that can bring me out of my despair. In order to avoid this, I have to figure out a way to let God stay in my heart while letting myself fall in love with someone else. I've never been one to have my heart go in more than one direction which is a good thing most of the time, but I have to love God the way that He wants me to. Otherwise, He's going to keep knocking on my heart until I finally let Him back in, even if it means forcing someone else out.
3) Relationships aren't a fairytale. Life is way too complicated and demanding for me to be able to live a fairytale relationship no matter how much a person loves me. Just because I would make someone my number one priority doesn't mean that others have that luxury. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. Personally, I would put off an hour of studying to talk to someone special or stay up all night long, sacrificing sleep to spend time with someone. I'm sure there are plenty of people that can vouch for me here. That's just me though. I can get by with little to no sleep, and school - well, it comes naturally to me anyway and I'm pretty good at bullshitting my way through tests which compensates for my lack of studying. So even though I would like to think that someone who liked me enough would be willing to make the same sacrifices, I have to remember that not everyone is like me. Therefore, I can't be selfish by jumping to conclusions when things don't go my way. Afterall, they might be doing everything that they possibly can.
Mischa really whooped me into shape yesterday. Sometimes, I'm sorry that I'm not close enough to my mom to let her be my relationship mentor, but I'm very grateful for Mischa because she's really stepped into the role, and I can always count on her to be boldly honest with me. She gives me the faith that I lack when my overzealous, pessimistic attitude dominates my thoughts, and she presents new perspectives which I'm starting to find to be very feasible. So thanks Mama Mischa.
As for what happens next, I have no idea. I've never been good at figuring out how to bring someone back when I've practically pushed them away by nagging them and giving them a hard time when truth is, they were probably doing all that they could. Over time, they aren't very receptive to any attempt I make to revive things. But then again, maybe there's nothing to revive in this situation, and I'm just listening to my heart which is not such a smart thing considering how incredibly broken it has stayed for the past 3 years. Matt told him me to trust him, and even though I can't find a single reason to do so, I'm shoving my skepticism and pessimism in the corner and choosing to believe that with time, I will be healed and we'll be able to work things out. So Matt, if you ever read this, I just want you to know how incredibly sorry I am for the way I've been acting, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to try to understand my pain and acknowledge my attempt to better my attitude. I trust you, I trust what you said, and I'm just going to give you room to breathe until you figure things out. I just really hope that it's sometime soon...
So who is Matt?? He's an awesome guy that I've been getting to know for the past month.
Am I in a relationship?? No, and I just hope that I've figured things out before I blew my chances.
Why is it complicated?? Because I make them that way. And if things don't work out, then I only have myself to blame, but at least this time I truly learned something, and I will let my heart heal before I set out with the same pre-determination I've always had.
Again, thanks for listening....I really love you guys!
"Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done."
~Van Morrison
"You're in a relationship?!?!"
"Why is it complicated??"
These are some of the most recent questions that people have been asking me, but unfortunately, I'm at a loss for how to explain the situation. Basically, I've found myself in the same predicament that I've been in with every other guy that I've "dated" (I use that term loosely) for the past 3 years. You know how it goes...things are great, everything's going my way, then he falls off the face of the earth and I automatically interpret it as he's just not that into me. I desperately try to replenish whatever harm I might have done, but it's usually pretty unsuccessful. Then things just go downhill. If you know me at all, you know how pessimistic and skeptical I get in these situations. And you also know how much it brings me down. What gives?
Matt promised to never leave me hanging, and technically, I guess he hasn't. I watched him give a lot of respect to his ex-girlfriend by making sure that they ended on good terms by being completely honest with her. Why wouldn't he give me that same respect? Right? My biggest error in this situation is that I've stereotyped Matt with every other guy that's let me down. No one else ever gave me the closure that I so wish that I could have had. There were never any explanations, and I never got any answers. It just faded into nothing, and I got over it. So having not talked to Matt since Sunday has me on edge and assuming that it's over.
But why?
Because the wounds of my past haven't healed, and they are ultimately shaping my current expectations and dictating the outcome of the situation before I even get the chance to see if it will work.
My sister-in-law, Mischa, started reading "Captivating" (you can find references to this book in the January 2006 archives) and she's encouraged me to re-read the book with her so that we can discuss it together. I'll admit, I've been slacking lately, but last night, in looking for some sort of inspiration to calm my on-edge nerves, I read 3 chapters and found answers to questions that had been scrolling through my head. Here's what I realized:
1) the reason that my "relationships" never fabricate into anything real is because I never give them the chance. My bleeding heart attracts the same kind of results because the outcome has already been pre-determined by my attitude. Therefore, the only way to let God give me the desires of my heart is by first letting Him into my heart to heal my wounds. Once I can fully let go of the past, my attitude will change and I can accomplish all the things that I have been dreaming about.
2) the reason that God continually lets me thwart my relationships is because He knows how much they mean to me. School and work don't mean as much to me as my family and relationships do; therefore, when it comes to relationships, He lets me fall as far as I need to until I remember how much I need His blessing. There's a very big void in my heart that was deepened even more after I lost Daddy. It's easy for a guy like Matt to fill that void because he's such a sweet, amazing guy, but Matt can't be the one to fill that void; God is the only one that can heal my heart in the way that I really need. Therefore, He capitalizes on my impatience, my aggressiveness, and my passion for wanting a relationship so bad by ultimately letting me destroy all my chances. As a result, I find myself at the bottom, and He's the only thing that can bring me out of my despair. In order to avoid this, I have to figure out a way to let God stay in my heart while letting myself fall in love with someone else. I've never been one to have my heart go in more than one direction which is a good thing most of the time, but I have to love God the way that He wants me to. Otherwise, He's going to keep knocking on my heart until I finally let Him back in, even if it means forcing someone else out.
3) Relationships aren't a fairytale. Life is way too complicated and demanding for me to be able to live a fairytale relationship no matter how much a person loves me. Just because I would make someone my number one priority doesn't mean that others have that luxury. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. Personally, I would put off an hour of studying to talk to someone special or stay up all night long, sacrificing sleep to spend time with someone. I'm sure there are plenty of people that can vouch for me here. That's just me though. I can get by with little to no sleep, and school - well, it comes naturally to me anyway and I'm pretty good at bullshitting my way through tests which compensates for my lack of studying. So even though I would like to think that someone who liked me enough would be willing to make the same sacrifices, I have to remember that not everyone is like me. Therefore, I can't be selfish by jumping to conclusions when things don't go my way. Afterall, they might be doing everything that they possibly can.
Mischa really whooped me into shape yesterday. Sometimes, I'm sorry that I'm not close enough to my mom to let her be my relationship mentor, but I'm very grateful for Mischa because she's really stepped into the role, and I can always count on her to be boldly honest with me. She gives me the faith that I lack when my overzealous, pessimistic attitude dominates my thoughts, and she presents new perspectives which I'm starting to find to be very feasible. So thanks Mama Mischa.
As for what happens next, I have no idea. I've never been good at figuring out how to bring someone back when I've practically pushed them away by nagging them and giving them a hard time when truth is, they were probably doing all that they could. Over time, they aren't very receptive to any attempt I make to revive things. But then again, maybe there's nothing to revive in this situation, and I'm just listening to my heart which is not such a smart thing considering how incredibly broken it has stayed for the past 3 years. Matt told him me to trust him, and even though I can't find a single reason to do so, I'm shoving my skepticism and pessimism in the corner and choosing to believe that with time, I will be healed and we'll be able to work things out. So Matt, if you ever read this, I just want you to know how incredibly sorry I am for the way I've been acting, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to try to understand my pain and acknowledge my attempt to better my attitude. I trust you, I trust what you said, and I'm just going to give you room to breathe until you figure things out. I just really hope that it's sometime soon...
So who is Matt?? He's an awesome guy that I've been getting to know for the past month.
Am I in a relationship?? No, and I just hope that I've figured things out before I blew my chances.
Why is it complicated?? Because I make them that way. And if things don't work out, then I only have myself to blame, but at least this time I truly learned something, and I will let my heart heal before I set out with the same pre-determination I've always had.
Again, thanks for listening....I really love you guys!
"Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done."
~Van Morrison
posted by Stacy @ 1:08 PM
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