the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself...

Is it possible to think yourself out of happiness?

I’m sure it is. Lord knows I think too much about everything, especially now. But that’s only because I have nothing better to do. For example, the two highlights of my day today were going to Crystal’s aerobics class and watching “The Bachelor.” I guess I’m just in a rut. As a self-driven, goal-oriented person, it’s so hard to find purpose to life right now because I’ve had to put everything on hold. I’m not actively working towards anything right now, thus leaving my intellectual stimulation at a minimum so that the only thing that I have to do is work on my problems. So yes, maybe I am thinking myself out of happiness.

Or maybe I’m thinking my way into happiness. Is it possible that with having nothing interesting to look forward to that I am perhaps succeeding in choosing to be happy regardless of the less-than-exciting status of my life right now? After all, being happy is the only goal that I can actually work towards right now. I have to say that last week was pretty good. My new outlook on bettering myself was truly invigorating, and I found that anytime I was faced with adversity, making a conscious decision to be optimistic wasn’t too hard.

Until Thursday.

I can’t really explain the overwhelming emotion that came over me. I couldn’t and still haven’t been able to shake it off, although I have decided that it was caused out of sheer disappointment. Disappointment in myself. And disappointment in people.

I’ve been asked numerous times over the past couple of weeks how it was possible that I was still single. I had a discussion with a fellow single friend the other night about possible answers, and the reason became very clear. You see, we live in Athens. Athens is about 70% female, and about 99% of those females are absolutely gorgeous! All a guy has to do is stick his hand out and he automatically has his fingers on a hot girl! No wonder most guys don’t want to settle! If I were a guy, I’d definitely want to try to date as many beautiful girls as I could. Thusly, the guys that actually do want to settle down are few and far between. Or they aren’t in Athens.

This said, how is it that our external circumstances still manage to dictate what we are able to accomplish? Shouldn’t our internal drive be the sole factor that influences our ability to change our status? Isn’t what my heart feels, believes, hopes, and fears supposed to determine what comes to fruition in my life?

Not necessarily. There are too many things that simply can’t invoke a change of heart or a change of mind no matter how hard you believe in them. Some people are too busy. Some people are too content. Some people are too scared. The distance is too far. The commitment is too much. There isn’t enough time.

How disappointing. But perhaps the most disappointing thing is that no matter how unwilling a person is to change their mind, they’ll never bow up and be honest with you about it. They’d rather string you along until they know for sure that there is, in fact, no place for you in their life. And then they conveniently disappear.

What happened to being honest with people? I’ve been through this process too many times before, and it never changes. The most amazing guy I dated treated me the same way as the worst guy, and that’s just……disappointing. I like to think that I have faith in people, but it’s quickly dwindling. Or maybe that’s just an Athens thing. Who knows?

So I’m disappointed in myself for having too much faith in people, for being too trusting, and for wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I also know that that’s the only way to get anything accomplished, so perhaps it becomes necessary to have a little more faith in myself. Hmm….

A couple weeks ago on “The Bachelor” one of the girls that got sent home said something that really stuck out in my head. She was talking about how hard it was to walk away from a failed relationship without feeling like there was something wrong with you or that you should have done something more or something less. It’s just an overall feeling of inadequacy, and it truly sucks. In spite of the circumstances, in spite of how wrong a guy is for you, it’s hard to not feel like there’s something more you have done or could have been.

I can’t shake the feelings that I have for the last person I dated even though I know he wants nothing to do with me. That will just take time. A long time (yes, I liked him THAT much.) But it is imperative that I remember that I’m a damn good catch. I have an education. I’m attractive. I’m tall. I have big boobs (hey some guys like that). I have a bright future. I’m fun. I like to have a good time. Some people think I’m funny. I’m passionate. I’m caring. I understand the importance of sacrifice and compromise. I’m not high maintenance. I like to watch football. I like to drink beer. I’m easy to please. And most importantly, I’m a damn good girlfriend! I just haven’t been given the chance to show how wonderful of a girlfriend I can be, and that’s ok. But I shouldn’t let anybody take that away from me.

Needless to say, I’m very anxious to figure out whether or not I got accepted to MCG so that I can start planning the next chapter of my life (hopefully in Augusta.) I’ve never been one that was very good with down time, and since I think I’m officially done obsessing about relationships for a while, Lord knows what I’m going to think about next. I just hope that I’ll be able to “think my way to happiness” and truly cherish the free time that I have left in Athens. With or without a boy.

Guess that’s all the babbling I can do for now. Love you guys…..

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Sex and the City