“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.”

Ummm....yeah, I think I've had an epiphany.

So, I'm going to get straight to the point here. I was having a rather deep conversation with someone whom I barely know, and I don't think he even knows it, but he said something that might quite possibly lead to the inception of a new and better "Stacy." I hope that what I am about to explain makes sense, and while I'm not really in the mood to write, putting my thoughts into words will help me better understand the path that God has placed me on, and it will help me form a plan of action that will allow me to walk closer to God while allowing me to retain some control over my life a little better. And it will alleviate a lot of the turmoil I've been experiencing which is perhaps the most beneficial part. We don't like turmoil.

So this idea seems very simple at face value, but when you really think about it, the strides that a person must make in order to live in accordance with this idea does not come so easily. It has to do with change. People don't like change, or they expect change in the wrong form. If people are content with what they have and with the direction that their life is taking, then they prefer that things just stay as they are so as not to throw off their equilibrium. On the other hand, if people find themselves unhappy, then the only thing that they wish to change is their circumstances. Neither scenario, however, calls for the empowerment by the individual to grow. That said, it becomes true that the best sort of change must be internal because it will outweigh the challenges that are put on our plate so that we might be stronger tomorrow, thus providing for the betterment of ourselves.

Whoa.

So how does this apply to me? I've been through a lot in my life. I've always been ok, and I have always been grateful for the strength I've obtained throughout my struggles, but I don't think that any of the changing and growing I did as I met and defeated different challenges was due to a conscious decision to better myself, but rather, it came as a homeostatic response to help me endure the emotional turbulance I was faced with. And I was always able to find happiness in the worst situations, but that was due to my personality's tendency to focus on the brighter side of things. That's all well and good, but as with anything, our senses become more dull as we age which makes it harder to obtain homeostasis subconsciously, especially when life continues to pound on us as hard as it does. I'm not going to lie, it's been a while since I've been able to exude the same optimism that I had prior to coming to college. I thought it was because the quality of my life was dwindling (when, in fact, it wasn't....I just wasn't getting my way all the time, and I don't like that.) Seeing how things really are, I now realize that I must merely make more of a conscious effort to be happy. And I know that this isn't going to be easy. I'm a brat, and sometimes, I just want to pout. I don't want to be happy all the time. And sometimes, I just want to cry. But why?

I've decided that in order to optimize the happiness I hope to achieve, I have to let go of a lot of things in my past. Too often, I let the trials of my past resonate in my heart to give me some sort of justification as to why I don't have to be happy (wow, I'm such a brat!) This only hinders my development as a person. Ultimately, my goal is to change my circumstances by first changing my attitude. This means letting go of the horrible divorce that I was placed in the middle of almost 18 years ago.....being raised by my hard-hearted mother who never quite accepted me....the loneliness that came with being misunderstood....never having family around to show me the love and compassion I always yearned for....losing Randy....losing Daddy....my singleness....and all the insecurities that came with the pains of the past. Sure, I need to learn to guard my heart a little better, but I really feel like if I make a more valiant effort to be happy, even in the absolute worst situations, then my circumstances will change and I will be granted the desires of my heart. What a revelation!

This insight came with a few tears. I spent the better half of this afternoon sobbing into my pillow, but it felt good to let it all go. I just have to be sure to fight off whatever bitterness may be left, and while I am scared of having a few lapses, I think that if I stay on this road, I'm going to move towards better days because I'll be closer to God. That's what makes this new endeavor so exciting! Ah, sweet surrender.....

Thanks for listening you guys! I love y'all....

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
~Psalms 37: 4, 7