Choose me...
When I was in high school, somber moments like the one I'm experiencing at present drove me to writing poetry. Poetry, however, only makes sense to the author and it's left for the reader to annotate in hopes of finding some sort of inspiration that influenced the author to conjure up an often confusing arrangement of words. I don't resort to poetry anymore because I long to be understood, and I've found the one person that doesn't understand me the most is myself. And so I write...
Lately, I've been revisiting questions that I wrote off as unanswerable due to their complex nature and my skepticism in actually finding the truth behind them. Fortunately, I've found that things are a lot more simplistic than they seem because I have a God who will take on my burdens so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is thankfully not just another oncoming train. I really feel like I've found pieces of myself I never thought I would be able to understand. While I come from a mold that is very unique and intricate, some of the complexities of my nature can be attributable to common phenomenons experienced by many people. My own brother shared many of the same fears that I did when he was around my age, and being able to look up to him and see that he has all of his shit together shines an extra ray of light onto my future. There's hope that there will come a day when everything will make sense, and I feel like it's coming together right now. I have the mercy of God to thank for that.
I finished "Captivating." That's another one of those books that should be read by every female who has ever experienced extensive turmoil due to the trials of life. (Oh wait, I guess that would be every single one of them, huh? haha). There were some parts of the book that I didn't really relate to simply because I'm not mature enough to have had some of the experiences being described, but there were a couple passages that were so liberating because they described me to a tee, and I was able to feel a sense of relief because somewhere in Colorado, the couple that wrote this book understands me. There have been many times that I simply don't understand the turmoil that invades my heart, but John and Stasi Eldredge have been able to put my emotions into words that make sense! I don't feel so alienated and I feel like I truly understand myself better. I'm realizing that barriers don't really keep others out as much as they keep you fenced in. As a result, I really feel like I've broken down some of the walls around my heart so that I might truly be able to reveal myself to someone who might find me irresistable and irreplaceable. And even though I haven't been given the opportunity do so just yet, the feeling of self-efficacy is amazing...
"Another common enemy that often is at work in women's relationship is a spirit of accusation. We often feel that we are a disappointment to others, that they disappove of us. We feel in their presence that we are not enough, or that we are too much. After we leave a time with them, we're plagued by a deep sense of failing. We feel frustrated and irritated and ashamed that we feel that way. Our hearts often land in shame and isolation, or we go to resentment. Do you recognize this in your own life? That replaying of conversations you've had with people with that sense of having blown it? Have you noticed how the feelings grow as you continue to mull it over?" ~Captivating
YES! Holy cow, reread my blog and you can all attest to the fact that I am a culprit of having thoughts like these! I'm pessimistic when it comes to relationships. It never works out and I have negative expectations that my status will ever change. It's not because I don't believe in myself, it's just my way of preparing for the worst. I'm bracing myself. That's bad. Very bad. So why the hell do I do this?
The authors go on to suggest that most of the relationships a female encounters are opposed. That means that we have to step up and fight for them! We have to put on the armor of God and battle against the idea that God won't make things better or make things just the way that we want them! He has a vested interest in us, and unless we fully submit to Him, we can never ever step out and take the risk of loving someone wholly and unconditionally in the same way that we yearn to be loved back.
"The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well. We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn't go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very being, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God."
God loves me. That's all I really need. But I still long for someone who can show me the love of God in a different way. I long for an embrace. A kiss. Someone to brush my hair to the side, look deep in my eyes, and tell me that they need me. That they love me. That they can't live without me. That I'm captivating. I want someone to share my thoughts with. Someone who wants to indulge in my complex nature and make it simple. Someone to help me make sense. Someone to help me see clear. Crystal clear.
I'm tired of blogging. I'm ready to talk. I want a person to fulfill these somber moments ~ these moments where I cry out to the mercy of God for comfort. I want to experience the love of God with an amazing person. Not with a blog. Not with a poem. With him. And I know who I want it to be...
Choose me. Cause I'm ready to choose you.
Until next time...
"So pick me. Choose me. Love me." ~Meredith to Derek, Grey's Anatomy
Lately, I've been revisiting questions that I wrote off as unanswerable due to their complex nature and my skepticism in actually finding the truth behind them. Fortunately, I've found that things are a lot more simplistic than they seem because I have a God who will take on my burdens so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is thankfully not just another oncoming train. I really feel like I've found pieces of myself I never thought I would be able to understand. While I come from a mold that is very unique and intricate, some of the complexities of my nature can be attributable to common phenomenons experienced by many people. My own brother shared many of the same fears that I did when he was around my age, and being able to look up to him and see that he has all of his shit together shines an extra ray of light onto my future. There's hope that there will come a day when everything will make sense, and I feel like it's coming together right now. I have the mercy of God to thank for that.
I finished "Captivating." That's another one of those books that should be read by every female who has ever experienced extensive turmoil due to the trials of life. (Oh wait, I guess that would be every single one of them, huh? haha). There were some parts of the book that I didn't really relate to simply because I'm not mature enough to have had some of the experiences being described, but there were a couple passages that were so liberating because they described me to a tee, and I was able to feel a sense of relief because somewhere in Colorado, the couple that wrote this book understands me. There have been many times that I simply don't understand the turmoil that invades my heart, but John and Stasi Eldredge have been able to put my emotions into words that make sense! I don't feel so alienated and I feel like I truly understand myself better. I'm realizing that barriers don't really keep others out as much as they keep you fenced in. As a result, I really feel like I've broken down some of the walls around my heart so that I might truly be able to reveal myself to someone who might find me irresistable and irreplaceable. And even though I haven't been given the opportunity do so just yet, the feeling of self-efficacy is amazing...
"Another common enemy that often is at work in women's relationship is a spirit of accusation. We often feel that we are a disappointment to others, that they disappove of us. We feel in their presence that we are not enough, or that we are too much. After we leave a time with them, we're plagued by a deep sense of failing. We feel frustrated and irritated and ashamed that we feel that way. Our hearts often land in shame and isolation, or we go to resentment. Do you recognize this in your own life? That replaying of conversations you've had with people with that sense of having blown it? Have you noticed how the feelings grow as you continue to mull it over?" ~Captivating
YES! Holy cow, reread my blog and you can all attest to the fact that I am a culprit of having thoughts like these! I'm pessimistic when it comes to relationships. It never works out and I have negative expectations that my status will ever change. It's not because I don't believe in myself, it's just my way of preparing for the worst. I'm bracing myself. That's bad. Very bad. So why the hell do I do this?
The authors go on to suggest that most of the relationships a female encounters are opposed. That means that we have to step up and fight for them! We have to put on the armor of God and battle against the idea that God won't make things better or make things just the way that we want them! He has a vested interest in us, and unless we fully submit to Him, we can never ever step out and take the risk of loving someone wholly and unconditionally in the same way that we yearn to be loved back.
"The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well. We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn't go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very being, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God."
God loves me. That's all I really need. But I still long for someone who can show me the love of God in a different way. I long for an embrace. A kiss. Someone to brush my hair to the side, look deep in my eyes, and tell me that they need me. That they love me. That they can't live without me. That I'm captivating. I want someone to share my thoughts with. Someone who wants to indulge in my complex nature and make it simple. Someone to help me make sense. Someone to help me see clear. Crystal clear.
I'm tired of blogging. I'm ready to talk. I want a person to fulfill these somber moments ~ these moments where I cry out to the mercy of God for comfort. I want to experience the love of God with an amazing person. Not with a blog. Not with a poem. With him. And I know who I want it to be...
Choose me. Cause I'm ready to choose you.
Until next time...
"So pick me. Choose me. Love me." ~Meredith to Derek, Grey's Anatomy
posted by Stacy @ 11:50 PM
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