Enough

Yep, in another one of those somber moods that has my mind wandering in places it should never go. Dammit!

I'm not really sure what my issue is tonight besides an influx of hormones that has my emotions flying all over the place. I think my feelings have fluctuated congruently with my basal body temperature, thus making it essential to note that by tomorrow morning, life will probably be sunshine and rainbows again. So please heed my warning as I go on this pessimistic rampage.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Not the personal relationship I'm in the process of building, but relationships in general. I've taken a retrospective journey back to my previous relationships and have juxtaposed them with the much more mature relationships my roommates and friends have with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and I've come to the conclusion that in spite of my experiences, I don't know shit about relationships! My autonomy has thrown me so far out of the loop that I don't really understand the process anymore. The only part of the process I've experienced has been the beginning....the getting to know you, what's your favorite color, what kind of music do you listen to, how many brothers and sisters do you have, where are you from, what sports did you play in high school, etc. Then once you've played 20 questions, everything crashes and burns. The end. That's all I know.

I hate the process. Especially right now, because right now, I'm anticipating the heartbreak, and since it hasn't come, my equilibrium is all thrown off because I don't know what comes next. I'm subconsciously indulging in sad songs, experiencing a sour mood, and feel absolutely helpless. And of course, I'm getting no sympathy because nothing has happened that would justify my current state of mind. So now what?

I think the main problem that I'm having is that while I would love to spend hours on the phone with him and drive to see him every weekend, I don't want to be "that" girl. You know what I'm talking about. Think Wedding Crashers: Gloria telling Jeremy that she loves him on the first day she meets him, planning their future together, popping up every moment that he gets a chance to breathe, binding him up and absolutely declaring that he's hers and that they should spend every waking moment together. That's annoying. He was annoyed. We were annoyed. She sucks.

Opposite of that, of course, is retreating. But then, if you retreat, there's no guarantee that he's going to chase you. And what happens if he needs the same green light that you do. Words of affirmation are very powerful, and sometimes all we need is the signal to go ahead and step forward. So we can choose to retreat which could ultimately make him retreat and then you never get anywhere. But then there's that chance that he'll come after you. I'm too skeptical to risk giving up even though it works in accordance to the push-pull theory that my sister explained to me when I was like 8. But I don't want the games. I just want answers.

What happens next? How long does it take? How will I know?

I just want to be enough. I want to be in his life enough to be able to establish a relationship and really get to know him without impeding on his daily routine. I don't want him to feel like he has to call me every 5 seconds, but I don't want him to not call at all. I want him to tell me sweet nothings every once in a while without wearing them out. I don't want to be demanding, but I don't want to be a door mat. I want to be enough.

It's all so complicated. Probably moreso because I make it that way. Dean says that I have to wait on it to just happen. If only I had patience....

I reread Staisha's blog and find it interesting how serene she is in her singleness. I tried to achieve the same appreciation throughout the years but was never able to do so because I've wanted nothing more than to care for someone the way that so many of my friends do in their relationships. I felt a vicarious sigh of relief while reading her blog but then realized that I'm heading in the opposite direction that she is and for a split second, I wondered if maybe I should just turn around. This, however, would make me a hypocrite as I often scold people who tend to go back to what's comfortable. I don't want to do that, but I'm not liking the endless questions that scroll through my head as I attempt to brave this endeavor. I just pray for strength, answers, and for clear direction and discernment. And I pray that my hormones will calm down so that I don't drive myself crazy.

I'm retarded.

And even though I'm so confused right now, I guess it becomes important to remember the reward is definitely worth it in the end. I just wish I knew whether or not I'll get there.

So yeah, I'm putting up a blockade on my thoughts. No more. I need to take my tired/halfway hungover ass to bed anyway.

Thanks for stopping by. Love you guys! And Staisha, I'm so proud of you. I hope you never lose the glow that you've had the past couple of weeks. You're amazing!

"If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through thistedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now...."