At the end of the day, I can thank God that I'm not a Gator Fan...

In the spirit of optimism, I'm not going to talk about how much it sucks that we lost to the stupid Gators. Instead, I'm going to talk about what made this weekend awesome, and that, of course, was being with friends, getting away from the daily grind that consumes every ounce of my time, and not having to think about all the emotions that have been weighing me down lately.

As much as I love SEC football, I really, really hate the asshole fans who think that they have the right to spout off at me because I adorn the colors of the opposing team. With my roommates and I being the little balls of fire that we are, we of course had to dish out our own shit-talk and put a couple of ignorant, jean-shorts wearing, mullet sporting Florida fans in their place. And yes, my roommate did hit a 70-year-old man in the face with her pom-pom, but it was only because he tried to run her over in his Excursion and called her a "dumb bitch"...whatever. He was just another ignorant asshole who afterwards almost ran over an elderly couple, all slouched over with a cane and everything, trying to cross the parking lot wearing the same colors that he was. What a prick! Anywho, this is not going to be what I remember from this weekend. In spite of it all, we had a blast! I love my friends. I hung out with some people that I've known ever since I've lived in this state, and I hung out with my good ole roomies whom I think the absolute world of, and it made my last trip to Jax all that I could ever hope for it to be. We threw down at the Landing, fended off a couple of 40 year old men too drunk to really know what they were doing, sang at the top of our lungs, cheered until we were hoarse for our team, froze our asses off at the game, ate, drank, and were merry, and went home at the end of the day still thankful to be bleeding red and black. It was nice to have people that I could laugh with, and, unfortunately, hang my head with as our National Title hopes were destroyed by a few missed field goals and some bad calls by our conservative coach (seriously, why would you have the QB run the option on 3rd and 11?) But for a good two hours last night, I was able to forget all that and eat some great country cookin' and indulge in the companionship of my wonderful friends. As much as I LOVE UGA football, it's always important to remember that there are much more important things in life that we should be thankful for. So, in Bulldog spirit, I just wanted to say thanks to everybody that made this weekend memorable. You know who you are... :)

Until next time....take care and Go Dawgs....we aren't finished yet! Love you guys...



Missy (and some random Georgia fan) posing with the mullet/jean shorts counter....brilliant!


Kristen, Jojo, Me, Kit, and Melissa tailgating before the game :)


My P-town boys (and Tim)...thanks for letting us hang out with you guys and for taking care of us...y'all are the best! :)


Freezing with my cohort in danger! I love you both!

"The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil." --Thomas Edison

Ok, so I'm going to designate Chance as my new blog coach since he's been my motivating factor for the past two blogs. He even told me to go out and cause drama just so that I would have something to write about, haha. Lucky for him, I've got plenty to discuss, just not sure if my mental capacity is enough to try to explain the "goings ons" around here, but I'm gonna try. Here goes nothing...

THE PROBLEM WITHIN MY CONTROL:
First of all, and I KNOW y'all are absolutely sick and tired of hearing about my father's death because trust me, I've exhausted every memory and am absolutely tired of thinking about him as well. Unfortunately, it haunts me. Sometimes I feel like there's something more that I could have done to grieve. Other times, I feel like I grieved too much. I've thought about seeking professional help as I don't know if it's an anomaly to still be feeling like this. It's been 4 and a half months. Has enough time passed? My grief has fluctuated with wavering reminders that he's gone. I've had nightmares. In fact, I didn't sleep this weekend because I was too scared of having another one. No one can relate. Oprah says that all the pain is the same but I beg to differ. There are different magnitudes of pain going in different directions and breaking different parts of the heart. The only people to talk to are my brothers, but I don't want to bring those emotions back to the table if they've been able to safely tuck them away. My grief has almost become perfunctory, poking consistantly at the same wound. It's getting old, and it's fucking me up. By the same token, I feel as if my life in general has become too perfunctory. Some might call this depression. I call it senioritis. It's the same grind, over and over, and at the end of the day, there's nothing new to discuss. How do I change that? I feel like I need a distraction and if looking forward to something new will add some color to my life, then that would be great. But do I have time? Absolutely not. And even if I find somewhere new to go, am I going to be returning home to the same problems? Ok, here's where I seriously need some feedback. I know a lot of you guys have been scared to respond to some of my grief due to fear of not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, etc.........y'all, I'm so far down that there's nothing that any of you could say that could hurt me. Nothing! I'm being more open-minded than I've ever been before, so please don't be scared. And if you want to keep it private, you can always email me (stacyrene02@aol.com) or facebook me (if you're on facebook). I would appreciate it forever. So yeah, I'm really sorry to have brought that up AGAIN, but answers are all I need. I'm not questioning why it happened...I'm past that. I'm just wanting to know how to fix it. Surely you have some ideas. Hopefully.

"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers

THE PROBLEM OUT OF MY CONTROL
So yeah, it appears that I've gotten myself in another predicament with a boy. And as usual, I've made my routine mistakes and am currently watching it fall to the ground. So, with all my bitching about relationships, I'm sad to announce that there has been a common flaw in each situation which has ultimately lead to the destruction of any chance I had to form something long-term. In other words, when I was bitching about how boys suck (which is still somewhat true) I should have really been bitching about how much I suck. Staisha helped me identify this, and basically, I now realize that I'm an idiot. But hey, knowing the problem is half the battle. Let's just hope that I'm smart enough to actually learn this time. As for my current situation, well, it's dangling by a string. The damage has been done so all I can really do is wait, and we all know how impatient I am. Needless to say, it pays a large contribution to my overall turmoil which hasn't been fun. And I don't guess that I have to wait around for answers, but as I discussed, I have no where to go. Maybe my patience will pay off. Maybe not. Either way, the ball is not on my side of the court, so I can only hope that he won't take everything and run away. Unfortunately, this ball handler has a lot of fear to face, and I'm not really sure of what all his fear entails, but I hope that he finds some sort of peace with or without me. That is truly the most important thing. So yeah, no matter which direction this situation goes, the lesson has been learned. I'm really just hoping that I didn't blow my chance, but we'll see.

"just tell me the truth....i'm a big girl, I can take it!"--Lucy Lu on Sex and the City

THE PROBLEM THAT REALLY ISN'T MY PROBLEM PER SE, BUT IT STILL SUCKS
In the words of Kit Kitchens regarding the loss of DJ Shockley and the poor performance by our 4th ranked Georgia Bulldogs against the Arkansas Razorbacks: "FUCK!" I'm struggling to keep the faith, praying for a miraculous MCL healing (which I KNOW isn't going to happen), and hoping that the loss of DJ will ignite a fire in the rest of the team that will give us the momentum to whoop up on Florida anyway. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I really just don't want my trip to Jacksonville to absolutely blow. Again, I guess we'll have to wait and see....

So yeah, that about covers it. And I already feel better. As usual, don't worry about me. God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I just get fatigued sometimes trying to maintain my emotional strength. I still would love some feedback though. I really love you guys!

Until next time....take it easy and pray for DJ...

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
--Casting Crowns

Perrydise

I know I know. I've been a bad blogger. What can I say? Life happens.

So I spent last weekend in the grand metropolis of Perry. That was interesting. I hadn't been home in a while, and needless to say, things were different. Actually, things weren't that different. Perry is Perry and it will never change. I was different. And for the first time ever, I was able to see how much I have changed in the last couple of months.

One thing that was different was that William wasn't there. The dynamics at home were different, almost unbalanced. My parents have gotten used to not having kids around, so I almost felt like my presence was a nuisance to them because I was breaking their routine. That wasn't a pleasant feeling. And usually William serves as the Peanut gallery making smart ass comments and adding humor to everything. I sure missed that. I almost felt uncomfortable in my own house, and needless to say, I was ready to come back to Athens. I don't think I'll be going back for a long time.

Another thing that has changed is my mother's role in my life. She's the only parent I have left. I haven't ever really had a good relationship with my mother. We don't understand each other, we don't show love in the same way, and we certainly don't share any emotional bond. It's weird. Our love is understood rather than spoken. I want so much more out of her so badly, especially now that Daddy's not here. The thing I realized however, is that while her role in my life has been elevated, to her, I'm the same as I always was. So as much as I yearn for us to grow closer, it's never going to happen. I guess you can say I was a little heartbroken by that realization. And it made me miss Daddy more. I miss how I could never leave the room without him wanting to give me a hug. I miss how he never let me go to sleep without saying that he loved me. I never hear those three words except when I talk to my brothers, my niece, or my sister-in-law. It's so uplifting.....I know a lot of people don't understand that, but trust me, when you never hear it, it makes your heart tremble when you do.

So yeah, that was kind of depressing. But in other news, I kicked the GRE's ass and am golden for getting into MCG (at least I hope so....somebody please knock on some wood for me). The minimum requirement is 400 on each section with a minimum combined score of 1000. I raised my verbal score up 140 points which gives me a 500 on verbal, 710 on math, and a combined score of 1210. I think I'm being a bit ostentatious, but I really didn't know if I could pull up my score and I was honestly saving up more money to take it a third time. I am pretty proud of myself.

Not much else to report. Boys still suck, but I'm beginning to think that's my fault. More on that later when I get my thoughts together. I'm sure you'll be looking forward to that. Everybody wants to hear me bitch about relationships some more, right?

So yeah, not the best blog in the world (sorry Chance) but at least everybody who likes to keep up with me has an update. Take care you guys, and I love you!

Until next time...

"Lord, teach us again how to laugh, but never, ever let us forget why we cried."

Dean

So yeah, here I am again, bringing you your second blog this week. Exciting, huh?

I write this not because I have the motivation, but rather, the inspiration to seek into the depths of my life to find some sort of meaning. Sometimes, this serves as my biggest flaw as I attempt to search for answers to questions that should never even be asked. It's so hard sometimes to put faith first and to remember that there is someone bigger and greater than we can ever imagine running the control towers that ultimately shape our lives. I believe in Him, and I trust Him, but I sure as hell don't understand Him. My attempts to do so have only resulted in failure, but even still, my journeys have encouraged me to thrive off the lessons learned with every dead end I come to face, and those lessons bring me enough understanding to help maintain a healthy sanity level. In the end, the biggest lesson to remember is that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart. That's enough to bring the solace I need to find sleep during the restless nights. I just hope I always remember that.

So Chicago.......yeah, it was pretty amazing. My family is amazing. My brother is amazing. If I ever wonder what contributed to the character that I exhibit in my personality, I can look at my foundation and find all my answers for I am a true reflection of the strength and love that continually flourishes in them for everybody to see and learn from. They are my backbone, my bulwark, my teachers, my heart, my soul....they are me, and I love them with every drop of who I am.

This weekend, I also revisited an old emotion that I hadn't felt in years. It was a feeling of emptiness that comes from knowing that the one person who understands you and knows every element of your very being is being placed at an impeccable distance where you can barely touch them with your fingertips to get enough wisdom when the need arises, but they can't play a major role in your life as they are far enough away. You sit on different roads hoping and praying that they will someday merge. Living away from Daddy was like that. I was such a Daddy's girl, and I was his child moreso than my mother's. He understood me because he could look at his own heart and know exactly how I was feeling. To be living under my mother's roof as she racked her brain trying to figure me out was hard, and many nights were spent crying myself to sleep as I drowned in the sorrows that came from missing Daddy. Through the years, that void was filled with substantial substitutes that allowed me to forget what that kind of pain felt like. I started dating and was able to experience the love of a different kind of man in a more passionate way. It wasn't the same understanding, but it sufficed. Through being single, my void has been filled by friends with whom I have been able to share the depths of my heart with trust. I've found my passion in writing. I've even filled my heart with my love of football and have become married to espn.com as I've filled my head with every SEC and UGA statistic that would fit. Over the years, the substitutes have filled less and less space, and as I continued to look for answers, God took it all away when he took away Daddy. That hole is still very large, and Daddy had big shoes to fill, but I knew I had to find someone to step up and be the understanding that I needed. I couldn't dwell on Daddy's absence forever. After all, someone's gotta walk me down the aisle, right?

Dean is seriously the male version of me. I knew we were a lot alike, but wow.......he is so in touch with who he is, what he wants out of life, and how he's going to accomplish it that it's really scary. But what's more scary is that I look at him, and he's like my mirror image. He knows me because like Daddy, he can just look down at his own heart and feel my pain because our hearts are exactly the same. I admire his drive, but it's so cool because as I admire him, I can realize that I share that drive. It's just so neat. He understands me without even trying and to a greater depth than anyone I know. And more than anything, I need that support and I need to always remember that he's there.

But he's not.

Sure, he's just a phone call away....but you know what? No matter how hard anyone tries to maintain communication with someone in a long distance relationship, life happens and it truly is impossible. So no matter what, there's an empty feeling, and it sucks. And it's a feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time........but I remembered. I remembered as I was rotting in the airport for an extra 3 and a half hours, vicariously reliving the pains of saying "good-bye" as I watched this guy in the pink shirt ball his eyes out because he was leaving his family. My empathy for him and others that I saw pacing through the airport terminal with blurry vision because of the tears that they couldn't stop from falling traces back to the experiences I had so many times when I had to leave Daddy. You call them back for one more hug, never ever wanting to let go because you know that walking on the plane is like walking back to a world where you have a hard time defining who you are because you have to conform to how well people are able to understand you. But with Daddy, and now with Dean, I could be me, and they would understand because they know themselves. Them not being there makes me feel empty. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill this space. I wonder if I'll ever stop trying to find my answers. I wonder if things will actually for once in my life just click in a way where it makes sense. I don't understand simplicity. I really wish that I did, but it's something I've never experienced although I sure would like to. This is why moving to Chicago makes sense. Some people think I'm crazy, some think it's too cold, some think it's too far, but I don't care. I have to make my road merge with Dean's road. I have to find my peace, find myself, and live the life as the person I was made to be. I just hope that God isn't laughing too hard at my plan, because watching everything fall into place would be a dream come true. And I can't ask for more than that.

So yeah, for those of you who think I'm crazy, well just know that this is probably the largest step I've taken towards sanity in a long time.

And Dean, I love you so incredibly much. Thanks for being you.

Until next time....



"I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone who looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars,
I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself"
--Switchfoot

hmm....interesting...

This is merely a quick update and an apology for all the time that has gone by between blogs. What can I say? Life happens, but I have a spark of inspiration in me, so stay tuned....a good one's coming.

So my trip to Chicago was absolutely awesome! Being up there and being with my family just really made me realize how much I really want to move up there. The future can't get here fast enough, but I will do my best to not short-change the present as there is a lot of things that must happen between now and then to make things possible. I just enjoy the security of knowing what I really want to do in the future and having some sort of plan that I can only hope and pray will come true. But as with all things, I guess we'll see.

So I was talking with my sister, Alishia, this weekend, and she said some things that I thought were pretty interesting. Alishia is an EMT in the city of Lake Charles, LA which some of you might recall was hit pretty bad by Hurricane Rita. She stayed behind to help other medical personnel with whatever needed to be done after the hurricane. She also talked about Hurricane Katrina and how a bunch of the shit that got put out via the media was absolute bullshit. The biggest example which put President Bush in the spotlight to take blame and caused our FEMA director to resign was the issue about how soon help arrived post-Katrina. According to Alishia who I believe has an "in" about getting information said that the American Red Cross was in place ready to aid victims of the hurricane before it even came! Yet, due to the anarchy and the number of idiots that refused to leave, the media portrayed New Orleans as being up Shit Creek without a paddle when really, the help was there. What really happened was that the Governor of Louisiana and the Mayor of New Orleans wouldn't quit arguing long enough to make executive decisions about how to the utilize the help that was already in place and ready to go. Also, after half the New Orleans police officers left, the remainers actually arrested church clergy and volunteers who were collecting food just so that they could take everything for themselves! They also were the main ones shooting at the National Guard when they tried to implement help. Alishia even told a story about one police officer who was offing people just so that they couldn't get the food. What the hell?!?! It really pisses me off because the media made New Orleans look like a fallen damsel in distress when really, they were nothing but a bunch of ignorant people who couldn't be self-sufficient. Notice that you didn't hear anything about Lake Charles post-Rita. That's because the people in the community stepped up and started clearing the debris before official help even came. Of course the media isn't going to sensationalize that because it's not as entertaining. It just sucks that what really happened with Hurricane Katrina was falsly portrayed and it ended up hurting even more people. Lake Charles sustained a lot of damage in Rita....my stepmom lost her sun room, her fence, and there isn't a tree standing in her yard. My grandfather had a tree fall on his house and his pool was damaged. He also said that there wasn't a pine tree left standing in Lake Charles. But you haven't heard stories like that, have you? Hmmm...interesting (that one's for you Dean). I just thought I'd share. Sometimes, it's nice to know what really happened. So there ya have it.

Until next time..........