"The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil." --Thomas Edison
Ok, so I'm going to designate Chance as my new blog coach since he's been my motivating factor for the past two blogs. He even told me to go out and cause drama just so that I would have something to write about, haha. Lucky for him, I've got plenty to discuss, just not sure if my mental capacity is enough to try to explain the "goings ons" around here, but I'm gonna try. Here goes nothing...
THE PROBLEM WITHIN MY CONTROL:
First of all, and I KNOW y'all are absolutely sick and tired of hearing about my father's death because trust me, I've exhausted every memory and am absolutely tired of thinking about him as well. Unfortunately, it haunts me. Sometimes I feel like there's something more that I could have done to grieve. Other times, I feel like I grieved too much. I've thought about seeking professional help as I don't know if it's an anomaly to still be feeling like this. It's been 4 and a half months. Has enough time passed? My grief has fluctuated with wavering reminders that he's gone. I've had nightmares. In fact, I didn't sleep this weekend because I was too scared of having another one. No one can relate. Oprah says that all the pain is the same but I beg to differ. There are different magnitudes of pain going in different directions and breaking different parts of the heart. The only people to talk to are my brothers, but I don't want to bring those emotions back to the table if they've been able to safely tuck them away. My grief has almost become perfunctory, poking consistantly at the same wound. It's getting old, and it's fucking me up. By the same token, I feel as if my life in general has become too perfunctory. Some might call this depression. I call it senioritis. It's the same grind, over and over, and at the end of the day, there's nothing new to discuss. How do I change that? I feel like I need a distraction and if looking forward to something new will add some color to my life, then that would be great. But do I have time? Absolutely not. And even if I find somewhere new to go, am I going to be returning home to the same problems? Ok, here's where I seriously need some feedback. I know a lot of you guys have been scared to respond to some of my grief due to fear of not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, etc.........y'all, I'm so far down that there's nothing that any of you could say that could hurt me. Nothing! I'm being more open-minded than I've ever been before, so please don't be scared. And if you want to keep it private, you can always email me (stacyrene02@aol.com) or facebook me (if you're on facebook). I would appreciate it forever. So yeah, I'm really sorry to have brought that up AGAIN, but answers are all I need. I'm not questioning why it happened...I'm past that. I'm just wanting to know how to fix it. Surely you have some ideas. Hopefully.
"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers
THE PROBLEM OUT OF MY CONTROL
So yeah, it appears that I've gotten myself in another predicament with a boy. And as usual, I've made my routine mistakes and am currently watching it fall to the ground. So, with all my bitching about relationships, I'm sad to announce that there has been a common flaw in each situation which has ultimately lead to the destruction of any chance I had to form something long-term. In other words, when I was bitching about how boys suck (which is still somewhat true) I should have really been bitching about how much I suck. Staisha helped me identify this, and basically, I now realize that I'm an idiot. But hey, knowing the problem is half the battle. Let's just hope that I'm smart enough to actually learn this time. As for my current situation, well, it's dangling by a string. The damage has been done so all I can really do is wait, and we all know how impatient I am. Needless to say, it pays a large contribution to my overall turmoil which hasn't been fun. And I don't guess that I have to wait around for answers, but as I discussed, I have no where to go. Maybe my patience will pay off. Maybe not. Either way, the ball is not on my side of the court, so I can only hope that he won't take everything and run away. Unfortunately, this ball handler has a lot of fear to face, and I'm not really sure of what all his fear entails, but I hope that he finds some sort of peace with or without me. That is truly the most important thing. So yeah, no matter which direction this situation goes, the lesson has been learned. I'm really just hoping that I didn't blow my chance, but we'll see.
"just tell me the truth....i'm a big girl, I can take it!"--Lucy Lu on Sex and the City
THE PROBLEM THAT REALLY ISN'T MY PROBLEM PER SE, BUT IT STILL SUCKS
In the words of Kit Kitchens regarding the loss of DJ Shockley and the poor performance by our 4th ranked Georgia Bulldogs against the Arkansas Razorbacks: "FUCK!" I'm struggling to keep the faith, praying for a miraculous MCL healing (which I KNOW isn't going to happen), and hoping that the loss of DJ will ignite a fire in the rest of the team that will give us the momentum to whoop up on Florida anyway. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I really just don't want my trip to Jacksonville to absolutely blow. Again, I guess we'll have to wait and see....
So yeah, that about covers it. And I already feel better. As usual, don't worry about me. God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I just get fatigued sometimes trying to maintain my emotional strength. I still would love some feedback though. I really love you guys!
Until next time....take it easy and pray for DJ...
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
--Casting Crowns
THE PROBLEM WITHIN MY CONTROL:
First of all, and I KNOW y'all are absolutely sick and tired of hearing about my father's death because trust me, I've exhausted every memory and am absolutely tired of thinking about him as well. Unfortunately, it haunts me. Sometimes I feel like there's something more that I could have done to grieve. Other times, I feel like I grieved too much. I've thought about seeking professional help as I don't know if it's an anomaly to still be feeling like this. It's been 4 and a half months. Has enough time passed? My grief has fluctuated with wavering reminders that he's gone. I've had nightmares. In fact, I didn't sleep this weekend because I was too scared of having another one. No one can relate. Oprah says that all the pain is the same but I beg to differ. There are different magnitudes of pain going in different directions and breaking different parts of the heart. The only people to talk to are my brothers, but I don't want to bring those emotions back to the table if they've been able to safely tuck them away. My grief has almost become perfunctory, poking consistantly at the same wound. It's getting old, and it's fucking me up. By the same token, I feel as if my life in general has become too perfunctory. Some might call this depression. I call it senioritis. It's the same grind, over and over, and at the end of the day, there's nothing new to discuss. How do I change that? I feel like I need a distraction and if looking forward to something new will add some color to my life, then that would be great. But do I have time? Absolutely not. And even if I find somewhere new to go, am I going to be returning home to the same problems? Ok, here's where I seriously need some feedback. I know a lot of you guys have been scared to respond to some of my grief due to fear of not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, etc.........y'all, I'm so far down that there's nothing that any of you could say that could hurt me. Nothing! I'm being more open-minded than I've ever been before, so please don't be scared. And if you want to keep it private, you can always email me (stacyrene02@aol.com) or facebook me (if you're on facebook). I would appreciate it forever. So yeah, I'm really sorry to have brought that up AGAIN, but answers are all I need. I'm not questioning why it happened...I'm past that. I'm just wanting to know how to fix it. Surely you have some ideas. Hopefully.
"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers
THE PROBLEM OUT OF MY CONTROL
So yeah, it appears that I've gotten myself in another predicament with a boy. And as usual, I've made my routine mistakes and am currently watching it fall to the ground. So, with all my bitching about relationships, I'm sad to announce that there has been a common flaw in each situation which has ultimately lead to the destruction of any chance I had to form something long-term. In other words, when I was bitching about how boys suck (which is still somewhat true) I should have really been bitching about how much I suck. Staisha helped me identify this, and basically, I now realize that I'm an idiot. But hey, knowing the problem is half the battle. Let's just hope that I'm smart enough to actually learn this time. As for my current situation, well, it's dangling by a string. The damage has been done so all I can really do is wait, and we all know how impatient I am. Needless to say, it pays a large contribution to my overall turmoil which hasn't been fun. And I don't guess that I have to wait around for answers, but as I discussed, I have no where to go. Maybe my patience will pay off. Maybe not. Either way, the ball is not on my side of the court, so I can only hope that he won't take everything and run away. Unfortunately, this ball handler has a lot of fear to face, and I'm not really sure of what all his fear entails, but I hope that he finds some sort of peace with or without me. That is truly the most important thing. So yeah, no matter which direction this situation goes, the lesson has been learned. I'm really just hoping that I didn't blow my chance, but we'll see.
"just tell me the truth....i'm a big girl, I can take it!"--Lucy Lu on Sex and the City
THE PROBLEM THAT REALLY ISN'T MY PROBLEM PER SE, BUT IT STILL SUCKS
In the words of Kit Kitchens regarding the loss of DJ Shockley and the poor performance by our 4th ranked Georgia Bulldogs against the Arkansas Razorbacks: "FUCK!" I'm struggling to keep the faith, praying for a miraculous MCL healing (which I KNOW isn't going to happen), and hoping that the loss of DJ will ignite a fire in the rest of the team that will give us the momentum to whoop up on Florida anyway. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I really just don't want my trip to Jacksonville to absolutely blow. Again, I guess we'll have to wait and see....
So yeah, that about covers it. And I already feel better. As usual, don't worry about me. God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I just get fatigued sometimes trying to maintain my emotional strength. I still would love some feedback though. I really love you guys!
Until next time....take it easy and pray for DJ...
She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
--Casting Crowns
posted by Stacy @ 2:21 PM
4 Comments:
At 10:12 PM ,
Staisha said...
I think it's about time you blocked those annoying mass comments like Kit has...or just make your posts private (like I have)...I'm sure those things get annoying...at least you can delete them.
Anyway, to answer your question...and i hope I'm answering the right question...you know my mom's a counselor, getting her Doctorate in Psychology...that being said, I have definitely seen the benefits in getting professional help. I would advise using every resource possible in your reach...sample them out...see what you like. Counseling sessions are free on campus...it definitely couldn't hurt. I don't want to type too much on here, but I'm sure we can pick up on this conversation later.
And I must attribute my first vocab study card to you...I had to look up "perfunctory" and decided it'd be a good start for what's going to be a tedious task. Keep using big words, and blog often so I can just jot them down as you us them!
I miss you, girl, and I'm looking forward to seeing you on thursday!
At 4:13 PM ,
Anonymous said...
On the problem within your control...
"Happiness isn't something you experience: it's something you remember."
-- Oscar Levant
"Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about the things which are beyond the power of our will."
-- Epictetus, Greek philosopher
"Daddy" wanted a party and we aren't listening. He didn't want us to grieve as long as we have. We do him no justice in feeling guilt for "moving on" with our lives. Remember him as he "is" and the "happiness" he expects. Make the choice to love him and remember him your own unique way but do not dwell on the negative. He would not have tolerated that from the two of us. This circumstance is "beyond the power of our will" The way we choose to deal with the turbulance that life gives us, defines our character and gives a seminar of self to our peers.
On the problem out of your control...
I was given some great advice about handling relationship problems from a very wonderful man...
Take advice from people that have made it in life. Find someone who has been happily married for 30+ years and do what they do. Don't ask someone who just thinks that they have the answers because they have a "significant other" for a few months or even four or five years. These people haven't had to get the really "annoying stuff" figured out yet. Also, don't ask someone who is single for advice. I have found that most of these people feel that they are experts in this field, but if they had all the answers, they wouldn't be single.
Take responsibility for your actions.
If you have messed up, admit it.
If it was your fault, ask forgiveness.
If you broke it, fix it.
The truth will set you free. Don't play games. The professionals (and some college teams) lose championships and they are experts at games.
If you ask forgiveness and don't get it, move on. Learn the lesson and don't do it again.
Remember, a relationship is about compromise. (Some of those compromises stink, but they are ultimately worth it.)
As for the other problem...
I'm from Arkansas and refrain from comment on the grounds that it will cause me great pain.
"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing."
-- William Butler Yeats (1865-1939), Irish writer
Love you, and call me anytime with any of your problems. I mean it.
RDG
Family Motto:
"Stubborn, cocky, and always right!"
At 5:39 PM ,
Unknown said...
I was just strolling through and your blog caught my eye. I'm not going to try to give any advice to you. It is obvious that you do have friends that care a lot about you.
My best friend lost his father unexpectedly a few years ago. He found solace in his friends! They are there for a reason!!
I'm just trying to be nice when I say "keep your head up"! :)
At 4:02 PM ,
CityStreams said...
Hey Stace,
My advice is to not beat yourself up for taking awhile to heal. I'm sure in your experiences in PT you've seen patients who healed quickly and those who healed slowly. From what I've learned in basic Psych the grieving process takes 6 months to a year when a close relative is involved. I think you're normal and you should stop comparing yourself to how you were before, because you can't go back to the old Stacy again. You'll always be different but you'll have a new appreciation for life and family now, just like your patients will have a new appreciation for walking. Keep your chin up girl,
~Cindy~
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