Dean
So yeah, here I am again, bringing you your second blog this week. Exciting, huh?
I write this not because I have the motivation, but rather, the inspiration to seek into the depths of my life to find some sort of meaning. Sometimes, this serves as my biggest flaw as I attempt to search for answers to questions that should never even be asked. It's so hard sometimes to put faith first and to remember that there is someone bigger and greater than we can ever imagine running the control towers that ultimately shape our lives. I believe in Him, and I trust Him, but I sure as hell don't understand Him. My attempts to do so have only resulted in failure, but even still, my journeys have encouraged me to thrive off the lessons learned with every dead end I come to face, and those lessons bring me enough understanding to help maintain a healthy sanity level. In the end, the biggest lesson to remember is that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart. That's enough to bring the solace I need to find sleep during the restless nights. I just hope I always remember that.
So Chicago.......yeah, it was pretty amazing. My family is amazing. My brother is amazing. If I ever wonder what contributed to the character that I exhibit in my personality, I can look at my foundation and find all my answers for I am a true reflection of the strength and love that continually flourishes in them for everybody to see and learn from. They are my backbone, my bulwark, my teachers, my heart, my soul....they are me, and I love them with every drop of who I am.
This weekend, I also revisited an old emotion that I hadn't felt in years. It was a feeling of emptiness that comes from knowing that the one person who understands you and knows every element of your very being is being placed at an impeccable distance where you can barely touch them with your fingertips to get enough wisdom when the need arises, but they can't play a major role in your life as they are far enough away. You sit on different roads hoping and praying that they will someday merge. Living away from Daddy was like that. I was such a Daddy's girl, and I was his child moreso than my mother's. He understood me because he could look at his own heart and know exactly how I was feeling. To be living under my mother's roof as she racked her brain trying to figure me out was hard, and many nights were spent crying myself to sleep as I drowned in the sorrows that came from missing Daddy. Through the years, that void was filled with substantial substitutes that allowed me to forget what that kind of pain felt like. I started dating and was able to experience the love of a different kind of man in a more passionate way. It wasn't the same understanding, but it sufficed. Through being single, my void has been filled by friends with whom I have been able to share the depths of my heart with trust. I've found my passion in writing. I've even filled my heart with my love of football and have become married to espn.com as I've filled my head with every SEC and UGA statistic that would fit. Over the years, the substitutes have filled less and less space, and as I continued to look for answers, God took it all away when he took away Daddy. That hole is still very large, and Daddy had big shoes to fill, but I knew I had to find someone to step up and be the understanding that I needed. I couldn't dwell on Daddy's absence forever. After all, someone's gotta walk me down the aisle, right?
Dean is seriously the male version of me. I knew we were a lot alike, but wow.......he is so in touch with who he is, what he wants out of life, and how he's going to accomplish it that it's really scary. But what's more scary is that I look at him, and he's like my mirror image. He knows me because like Daddy, he can just look down at his own heart and feel my pain because our hearts are exactly the same. I admire his drive, but it's so cool because as I admire him, I can realize that I share that drive. It's just so neat. He understands me without even trying and to a greater depth than anyone I know. And more than anything, I need that support and I need to always remember that he's there.
But he's not.
Sure, he's just a phone call away....but you know what? No matter how hard anyone tries to maintain communication with someone in a long distance relationship, life happens and it truly is impossible. So no matter what, there's an empty feeling, and it sucks. And it's a feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time........but I remembered. I remembered as I was rotting in the airport for an extra 3 and a half hours, vicariously reliving the pains of saying "good-bye" as I watched this guy in the pink shirt ball his eyes out because he was leaving his family. My empathy for him and others that I saw pacing through the airport terminal with blurry vision because of the tears that they couldn't stop from falling traces back to the experiences I had so many times when I had to leave Daddy. You call them back for one more hug, never ever wanting to let go because you know that walking on the plane is like walking back to a world where you have a hard time defining who you are because you have to conform to how well people are able to understand you. But with Daddy, and now with Dean, I could be me, and they would understand because they know themselves. Them not being there makes me feel empty. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill this space. I wonder if I'll ever stop trying to find my answers. I wonder if things will actually for once in my life just click in a way where it makes sense. I don't understand simplicity. I really wish that I did, but it's something I've never experienced although I sure would like to. This is why moving to Chicago makes sense. Some people think I'm crazy, some think it's too cold, some think it's too far, but I don't care. I have to make my road merge with Dean's road. I have to find my peace, find myself, and live the life as the person I was made to be. I just hope that God isn't laughing too hard at my plan, because watching everything fall into place would be a dream come true. And I can't ask for more than that.
So yeah, for those of you who think I'm crazy, well just know that this is probably the largest step I've taken towards sanity in a long time.
And Dean, I love you so incredibly much. Thanks for being you.
Until next time....
"I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone who looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars,
I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself"
--Switchfoot
I write this not because I have the motivation, but rather, the inspiration to seek into the depths of my life to find some sort of meaning. Sometimes, this serves as my biggest flaw as I attempt to search for answers to questions that should never even be asked. It's so hard sometimes to put faith first and to remember that there is someone bigger and greater than we can ever imagine running the control towers that ultimately shape our lives. I believe in Him, and I trust Him, but I sure as hell don't understand Him. My attempts to do so have only resulted in failure, but even still, my journeys have encouraged me to thrive off the lessons learned with every dead end I come to face, and those lessons bring me enough understanding to help maintain a healthy sanity level. In the end, the biggest lesson to remember is that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart. That's enough to bring the solace I need to find sleep during the restless nights. I just hope I always remember that.
So Chicago.......yeah, it was pretty amazing. My family is amazing. My brother is amazing. If I ever wonder what contributed to the character that I exhibit in my personality, I can look at my foundation and find all my answers for I am a true reflection of the strength and love that continually flourishes in them for everybody to see and learn from. They are my backbone, my bulwark, my teachers, my heart, my soul....they are me, and I love them with every drop of who I am.
This weekend, I also revisited an old emotion that I hadn't felt in years. It was a feeling of emptiness that comes from knowing that the one person who understands you and knows every element of your very being is being placed at an impeccable distance where you can barely touch them with your fingertips to get enough wisdom when the need arises, but they can't play a major role in your life as they are far enough away. You sit on different roads hoping and praying that they will someday merge. Living away from Daddy was like that. I was such a Daddy's girl, and I was his child moreso than my mother's. He understood me because he could look at his own heart and know exactly how I was feeling. To be living under my mother's roof as she racked her brain trying to figure me out was hard, and many nights were spent crying myself to sleep as I drowned in the sorrows that came from missing Daddy. Through the years, that void was filled with substantial substitutes that allowed me to forget what that kind of pain felt like. I started dating and was able to experience the love of a different kind of man in a more passionate way. It wasn't the same understanding, but it sufficed. Through being single, my void has been filled by friends with whom I have been able to share the depths of my heart with trust. I've found my passion in writing. I've even filled my heart with my love of football and have become married to espn.com as I've filled my head with every SEC and UGA statistic that would fit. Over the years, the substitutes have filled less and less space, and as I continued to look for answers, God took it all away when he took away Daddy. That hole is still very large, and Daddy had big shoes to fill, but I knew I had to find someone to step up and be the understanding that I needed. I couldn't dwell on Daddy's absence forever. After all, someone's gotta walk me down the aisle, right?
Dean is seriously the male version of me. I knew we were a lot alike, but wow.......he is so in touch with who he is, what he wants out of life, and how he's going to accomplish it that it's really scary. But what's more scary is that I look at him, and he's like my mirror image. He knows me because like Daddy, he can just look down at his own heart and feel my pain because our hearts are exactly the same. I admire his drive, but it's so cool because as I admire him, I can realize that I share that drive. It's just so neat. He understands me without even trying and to a greater depth than anyone I know. And more than anything, I need that support and I need to always remember that he's there.
But he's not.
Sure, he's just a phone call away....but you know what? No matter how hard anyone tries to maintain communication with someone in a long distance relationship, life happens and it truly is impossible. So no matter what, there's an empty feeling, and it sucks. And it's a feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time........but I remembered. I remembered as I was rotting in the airport for an extra 3 and a half hours, vicariously reliving the pains of saying "good-bye" as I watched this guy in the pink shirt ball his eyes out because he was leaving his family. My empathy for him and others that I saw pacing through the airport terminal with blurry vision because of the tears that they couldn't stop from falling traces back to the experiences I had so many times when I had to leave Daddy. You call them back for one more hug, never ever wanting to let go because you know that walking on the plane is like walking back to a world where you have a hard time defining who you are because you have to conform to how well people are able to understand you. But with Daddy, and now with Dean, I could be me, and they would understand because they know themselves. Them not being there makes me feel empty. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill this space. I wonder if I'll ever stop trying to find my answers. I wonder if things will actually for once in my life just click in a way where it makes sense. I don't understand simplicity. I really wish that I did, but it's something I've never experienced although I sure would like to. This is why moving to Chicago makes sense. Some people think I'm crazy, some think it's too cold, some think it's too far, but I don't care. I have to make my road merge with Dean's road. I have to find my peace, find myself, and live the life as the person I was made to be. I just hope that God isn't laughing too hard at my plan, because watching everything fall into place would be a dream come true. And I can't ask for more than that.
So yeah, for those of you who think I'm crazy, well just know that this is probably the largest step I've taken towards sanity in a long time.
And Dean, I love you so incredibly much. Thanks for being you.
Until next time....
"I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone who looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars,
I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself"
--Switchfoot
posted by Stacy @ 11:33 PM
1 Comments:
At 8:22 PM ,
Staisha said...
HAHAHA let's not forget the Spring Musical I was in...and the only reason I tried out for it (which consisted of me singing Acapello on a stage) was b/c auditions were during the same week as soccer conditioning! Coach Corey announced another round of lunges and grapevines up and down the fifty and my ass was headed towards the auditorium!
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