"The soul would have no rainbows had the eyes no tears..."

If you reference some of my earlier blogs, you might recall a guy named Brian whom I dated for a little while at the end of last spring. Though he walked me down yet another dead end road, I now know that it was a blessing in disguise because I'm really glad that I've had the summer to worry about only me. Going through the past month and having to appease a boy who might have been vying for my attention would have been a tad overwhelming at times. There's no way that he would have ever been able to understand why I needed my alone time and why there would have been absolutely nothing that he could have done to make me feel better. Him being there for me when I needed him and only when I needed him might have felt like a slap in the face. It wouldn't have been fair because I wouldn't have been able to tend to his needs, so I guess that it worked out for the best.

One thing I am very grateful for, however, is that Brian made me watch "Finding Neverland" starring Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. If you haven't seen this movie, then I would HIGHLY recommend it. If you need to borrow it, let me know...I'll be more than happy to lend it to you. The movie is about the struggle for a young boy to find his sense of imagination in the midst of the trials life has imposed on him. He has already lost his father, his mother is very ill, but the inspiration from a playwright helps him find his childlike naivety so that he can see beyond the realities of the world to a sort of utopia where he is happy and can feel no pain. In a very powerful scene, the boy ends up losing his mother, but his newfound ability to see beyond the physical world allows him to realize that his mother is in a magical place, and no matter what, his unyielding effort to believe in this place will allow for him to be with her always. As he relinquishes the innocence that he lost by going through such unfortunate trials at such a young age, he is able to find peace with the circumstances while regaining an imaginative, childlike perception of the world.

You better believe that after what I've gone through in the past month, I had to watch this movie a second and a third time.

I've always found it hard to dream beyond the things that I think are plausibly achievable. My daddy, however, never let me forget how important it was to have crazy thoughts and the desire to do crazy things. I never understood that. I live in a practical world where I can't be let down. Maybe this is some sort of defense mechanism that I use to avoid any form of disappointment, but either way, I forgot how to dream a long time ago.

So daddy dreamed for me.



I found a book on Tuesday that he sent me the week before he died. He always wrote me small notes in the front cover of the books he gave me, but I had forgotten this until Tuesday morning. After finding the book, curiosity got the better of me even though I knew it was going to be emotional, and the last thing my daddy ever said to me epitomized not only who he was, but who he wanted me to be. "Your determination and drive will open your dreams and horizons to things beyond your belief. Your expectations will evolve, and you will grow."

Wow, huh? That's some pretty powerful shit, and while it would be easy to say that it was ironic to have found this now instead of before, I know that God had a hand in it. Thanks God...you now have my attention.

I was always skeptical of Daddy's beliefs in things that I thought were unobtainable, and while there are so many things that he never got to do, having his dreams gave him something to look forward to, thus allowing him to always be happy and appreciate life. I see how dreaming worked for him, so my skepticism has been erased and I've learned how to believe in the impossible. Of course, I really didn't have a choice. I want my daddy here with me, and the only way to accomplish that is by believing that he is here. With God's help, I've been able to do just that.

I went to the movies Sunday to see War of the Worlds (this movie is NOT recommended...long story short, the writers got really lazy and ruined the entire theme of the movie), and we were watching the trailer for this movie called "Elizabethtown" which is about this guy who loses his father. I'm sure I have this in common with many people, but the scenes that they showed in the preview are very parallel to my own story. They showed a scene where Orlando Bloom is spreading his Dad's ashes in a canyon. We haven't done this yet, but my Dad's wishes were to have his ashes spread over Cedar Falls in Arkansas, so when we're ready, we will go through that. There's also this scene where he is touching his dad's hands during the viewing. Touching my Dad was probably the most important thing that I did. The idea really freaked me out at first, but Dean told me that I needed to touch Dad to realize that he wasn't real and that he wasn't really there. Dean went with me to the casket and helped me touch Dad's cold, stiff hands. It was then that I knew that he was in a better place, and seeing that scene in the preview reminded me of just that.

I know it doesn't sound like that huge of a deal, but I was pretty shaken up and didn't really wanted to stay for the rest of the movie. I just wanted to be alone, but I was with some friends and I didn't have a car, so I was kind of stuck. The reminders didn't stop there either. In the movie, Tom Cruise hid behind a car for like 5 minutes whose license plate had my Dad's initials on the back, and in the credits, one of the producers was named Russ Gray. At this point, I was really weirded out and it had really rattled my emotions, but I just decided to wait because I knew that the reason as to why this was all happening would become clear soon.

I had my aforementioned moment with the book on Tuesday morning. It put me in a very sad mood which made getting through the day very difficult. It was also the one month anniversary of Dad's death, so of course that didn't help. He was on my mind the entire day, and I felt like the reality of it all was finally hitting me. Enough time had gone by and I had incessantly reminded myself that he was gone which made me realize that it wasn't just a bad dream. I thought I had done a majority of the grieving, but the depression I was experiencing Tuesday was almost twice as overwhelming. Well, my roommate walked in after she and her bf had grilled some steaks by the pool and she announced that there was a huge rainbow in the sky which ended up being yet another reminder. I'm not exactly sure why, but Daddy loved rainbows because of what they symbolize in the Bible (and to hell with those of you thinking about gay people right now!) Anywho, I walked outside, and it wasn't just any rainbow...it was the like the hugest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life! It spread across the whole sky, it had two arches, and you could distinctly point out every color (yes, even indigo, haha!) It was absolutely amazing!

I had to figure out which symbol in the Bible gave my dad his love for rainbows. In finding this verse, I found all my answers:

Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven. He was robed in a cloud, with a rainbow above his head; his face was like the sun, and his legs were like fiery pillars.
-Revelation 10:1

Talk about a revelation! As painful as they are, the reminders of Daddy are not meant to remind me of his death, but to remind me that he's still here. In light of this, I've been made a believer. I lost my innocence years ago and it was replaced with a skepticism which impeded on my ability to believe fully in love, life, and all that those entail, but I'm going to continue to seek out my childlike naivety until I learn to dream like my Daddy. And I will believe HARD in my dreams! In his death, my Dad is still my mentor, and now, my guardian angel. The Lord is giving me everything I need to get through this, and I will find my "Neverland" so that Daddy and I will be able to dance whenever we want until we can be together again. Like the boy in the movie, I think I've found some peace in my circumstances. I made it through the one month mark and Dad & Lynne's Anniversary able to smile because I know he's with me. This, my friends, has been such an amazing blessing...

I know this was really long, but I had to share. Thanks for listening! I love you guys!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11