sigh...
My creative juices have been running low lately which is both good and bad: good because it's indicative of the lack of drama in my life (we don't like drama); bad because nothing has really been inspiring lately with the exception of a couple profound, personal revelations that I didn't really feel the need to harp on. I've been really busy lately...liberation from educational responsibilities has given me time to work on my social life. Last week, I went out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, and visits from out-of-towners made it all the more fun. Most of them were Perry peeps, and I have to say that seeing an old face is absolutely refreshing. My self-esteem has been boosted 7402875032987523784 points because there is just something about being with old friends and reminiscing on old times that just makes ya feel good. Ah, gotta love nostalgia...it was really good to see you guys and I hope you know that my couch is always open if you ever wanna come back! (Even you Kit although I'm still pissed that I didn't get a shout out in your blog! jk)
The biggest woe that I have right now is about my mom. Before I proceed to mention what's up, I should probably make it clear that I love my Mom so incredibly much and think that she is an amazing woman. I would not be who I am had she not been there to make sure I was doing the things I needed to do, and for that I will be forever grateful. While probably the most influential person in my life, beyond our work ethics, commitment, sense of humor, and endeavors to always do what's right, we are so incredibly different that it's amazing we're even able to make conversation sometimes. One of the biggest things that makes us different is that my mom loves to hold grudges and can never let go of the past whereas I can get mad, throw down, and an hour later I'm ready to take you out for ice cream. There are so many things in my mom's past that she simply cannot let go of, namely the divorce with my father 17 years ago. Unfortunately, her hatred is so strong that it blocks her inhibitions to take out her pain on us ("us" being me and my brother). I don't really know what happened that caused my parents' divorce although I've heard a few stories and put some pieces together, but for some reason, my mother cannot seem to get over it. This grudge is the reason that she is not talking to me right now which really sucks since she is the only member of my family that I talk to on a regular basis (that's another wound that I'll save for later). My mother cannot for the life of her understand why we even want our father in our lives. It's a battle that we have fought so much that I've grown completely numb to it. I no longer hear the stinging comments about my dad, I don't hear her hateful words about how superficial we are to let him attempt to buy our love (which is totally not true), and I don't pay attention to her anger when we want to see or talk to him. In my opinion, it's bullshit. Last time I checked, none of this was my fault. At four years old when they decided to split, all I was worried about was where my favorite doll was and whether or not Grandma was going to take us to McDonald's for dinner. She never fails to make us feel guilty for seeing him. While in Perry for my brother's graduation, we had lunch once and spent one afternoon together the entire 4 days I was home, and she's pissed. But I've learned after 17 years of this bullshit to just let it all go. I can't make her happy, and I can't make her realize that she's just wasting energy being so angry. It's so frustrating, but there's absolutely nothing I can do. The good thing is that I'm in Athens so I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis although I'm hurting for my little brother who does have to deal with her coldness right now. The bad thing about it all is that I feel like no one cares about me. I know they do, but she was the only person outside of my roommates that showed any concern on a daily basis. Me and my mother have an understood rather than spoken love that is hard for outsiders to understand. Sometimes, I would do anything to hear her actually tell me that she loved me, but that's just not how our relationship is. All the same, it's been so long since I've heard anybody say those three words to me that it's hard not to feel neglected. I think that's why I'm infatuated with the idea of having a relationship so bad, but I've given up on the idea for now. If it comes, then it comes. I sorta, kinda had something pending, but I've decided to provide the space and time needed to see if he'll come around. I found him pretty damn amazing, but he backed away and I'd be willing to chase him if I knew it would get me somewhere, but I figure that standing in one place while getting myself together is the best thing I can do right now. This, however, has been hard. In spite of all the cool people who have been hangin' out and my wonderful roommates who keep me upbeat, it's hard not to feel so alone. At the end of the day, I just pray that God will continue to carry me through this rocky time and get me out of this funk. And I think with time, my mother's heart will be strong enough to break through the rocks and she'll realize that she's being ridiculous. At least I hope so, because I really, really, REALLY hate the silent treatment, and I've been getting it a lot lately in many aspects of my life. I'm strong enough to hear what people say because it helps me draw some sort of understanding from them. I like to try to understand people, even if their feelings are not in my favor. Being left in the dark without knowing how people are really feeling is perhaps the worst feeling in the world. But I guess that's just me.
Anywho, for those of you who have had to deal with me lately, namely my roommates, I'm really sorry I've been such a bum. That's why I keep locking myself in my room because that's where I belong so that you don't have to deal with me being difficult. Either way, I'm really sorry, but I'll hopefully break out of this soon. Thanks for understanding....
Until next time..............
"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have..."
The biggest woe that I have right now is about my mom. Before I proceed to mention what's up, I should probably make it clear that I love my Mom so incredibly much and think that she is an amazing woman. I would not be who I am had she not been there to make sure I was doing the things I needed to do, and for that I will be forever grateful. While probably the most influential person in my life, beyond our work ethics, commitment, sense of humor, and endeavors to always do what's right, we are so incredibly different that it's amazing we're even able to make conversation sometimes. One of the biggest things that makes us different is that my mom loves to hold grudges and can never let go of the past whereas I can get mad, throw down, and an hour later I'm ready to take you out for ice cream. There are so many things in my mom's past that she simply cannot let go of, namely the divorce with my father 17 years ago. Unfortunately, her hatred is so strong that it blocks her inhibitions to take out her pain on us ("us" being me and my brother). I don't really know what happened that caused my parents' divorce although I've heard a few stories and put some pieces together, but for some reason, my mother cannot seem to get over it. This grudge is the reason that she is not talking to me right now which really sucks since she is the only member of my family that I talk to on a regular basis (that's another wound that I'll save for later). My mother cannot for the life of her understand why we even want our father in our lives. It's a battle that we have fought so much that I've grown completely numb to it. I no longer hear the stinging comments about my dad, I don't hear her hateful words about how superficial we are to let him attempt to buy our love (which is totally not true), and I don't pay attention to her anger when we want to see or talk to him. In my opinion, it's bullshit. Last time I checked, none of this was my fault. At four years old when they decided to split, all I was worried about was where my favorite doll was and whether or not Grandma was going to take us to McDonald's for dinner. She never fails to make us feel guilty for seeing him. While in Perry for my brother's graduation, we had lunch once and spent one afternoon together the entire 4 days I was home, and she's pissed. But I've learned after 17 years of this bullshit to just let it all go. I can't make her happy, and I can't make her realize that she's just wasting energy being so angry. It's so frustrating, but there's absolutely nothing I can do. The good thing is that I'm in Athens so I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis although I'm hurting for my little brother who does have to deal with her coldness right now. The bad thing about it all is that I feel like no one cares about me. I know they do, but she was the only person outside of my roommates that showed any concern on a daily basis. Me and my mother have an understood rather than spoken love that is hard for outsiders to understand. Sometimes, I would do anything to hear her actually tell me that she loved me, but that's just not how our relationship is. All the same, it's been so long since I've heard anybody say those three words to me that it's hard not to feel neglected. I think that's why I'm infatuated with the idea of having a relationship so bad, but I've given up on the idea for now. If it comes, then it comes. I sorta, kinda had something pending, but I've decided to provide the space and time needed to see if he'll come around. I found him pretty damn amazing, but he backed away and I'd be willing to chase him if I knew it would get me somewhere, but I figure that standing in one place while getting myself together is the best thing I can do right now. This, however, has been hard. In spite of all the cool people who have been hangin' out and my wonderful roommates who keep me upbeat, it's hard not to feel so alone. At the end of the day, I just pray that God will continue to carry me through this rocky time and get me out of this funk. And I think with time, my mother's heart will be strong enough to break through the rocks and she'll realize that she's being ridiculous. At least I hope so, because I really, really, REALLY hate the silent treatment, and I've been getting it a lot lately in many aspects of my life. I'm strong enough to hear what people say because it helps me draw some sort of understanding from them. I like to try to understand people, even if their feelings are not in my favor. Being left in the dark without knowing how people are really feeling is perhaps the worst feeling in the world. But I guess that's just me.
Anywho, for those of you who have had to deal with me lately, namely my roommates, I'm really sorry I've been such a bum. That's why I keep locking myself in my room because that's where I belong so that you don't have to deal with me being difficult. Either way, I'm really sorry, but I'll hopefully break out of this soon. Thanks for understanding....
Until next time..............
"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have..."
posted by Stacy @ 10:37 AM
1 Comments:
At 9:24 PM ,
Ludakit said...
Keep ya chin up. Of course it's easier said than done.
And no Perry folks got the Blog love. Don't feel hurt, that blog was about the Roast...which you didn't go to because you were nekkid.
I want to have sex with you...and lots of it.
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