do what you have to do.....

So, this week has been a little crazy and I didn't even have time for any constructive procrastination thus explaining why I haven't updated my blog. So for those of you disappointed to not see any updates, here it goes.......

What to talk about....well, things are going pretty good with the boy. We went out last night and had a really really good time. I'm really excited about getting to know him better, but he's so busy that I wonder if I'll ever get the chance. I've never dated a guy who hasn't been all about some Stacy, so I don't really know how to interpret what we've accomplished or predict where we're going, but for the first time in my life, I'm being patient. I had a good friend tell me that sometimes, things can't always work out on our time. Makes so much sense, probably explaining a lot of the turmoil I've had in the past due to lack of patience. I was very glad that she was honest with me because it has really changed my perception of what's going on. I'm a big fan of titles, but I've been very chill about this one, and I think it makes a big difference. I know that he's going to call when he has time and when he wants to, and the fact that he's making time for me speaks volumes. So for now, I'll just continue to see where we end up, and the mystery in it makes it even more exciting. Maybe it's just a thrill ride, but there's always so much to learn, and that's what's important.

So as I mentioned, Brian and I went out last night and we brought my roommate along with us, and in spite of nearly being raped by really gross Mexicans in Annex (yes, I know it's bad, please quit laughing), we had a really good time. For Emily, I think this is the first time in a really long time that she's ever had to be a true third wheel. Background: Emily's bf just broke up with her, and for her, this has been the first time she's ever been on the dumpee end of a break-up. It's been hard for her I know, but at the same time, I've been so proud of her. She's lucky in the respect that because this is her first time being broken up with, she's old enough to have the wisdom that some of us didn't have as pesky high schoolers. But her strength has been absolutely remarkable. Instead of waiting around to see if maybe there's a slight chance for things to work out with her ex, she's taken compliments from other guys with grace and has made a valiant effort to hang out with some of them in an attempt to take the necessary steps to move on. I know that's not what she wants to do, but she knows that her decision to do so has made all the difference. She wakes up every morning and makes the decision to be happy, and of course some days are harder than others, but her dire effort to keep her chin up is something that strikes me with envy. I used to be like that, but somewhere along the line, I stumbled into this bitterness that has marred my attempt to be happy. I haven't had a bad life, but it has been very trying. Instead of realizing the golden aspects of who I am and what I have accomplished, I have dwelled in the darkness which has been very unfortunate. It makes me mad because I wonder how much time I wasted being angry at the world? I think we all can learn a lesson from Emily, and I'm glad that I've had this revelation. I think it's time that we all drag our asses out of the pit of despair and be proactive about where we are going. We can't always control what happens, but we all have the ability to pick ourselves up when we fall. And that, ladies and gents, makes all the difference in the world.

So, it's been brought to my attention that I have excluded Mina from my acknowledgements, but really, how was I supposed to know that my blog served as entertainment for the little spare time that he has? So Mina, as promised, I want you to know that I love you for always making me feel special and for never failing to make every moment a good time. Don't worry, my liver is ready for this summer so that we can catch up on lost times. Thanks for all that you've taught me about being the best alcoholic I can be!

And there you have it........

"I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before"
-Switchfoot

Attack of the Ex's........and the big grey Tahoe....

Wow, what an interesting day. I really don't know where to start. I didn't do much, just sat around by the pool all day because I was at work yesterday when all my roommates were catching some sun. I hung out with an old friend which was very, very nice. I forgot how much I LOVED hanging out with her. I'm glad we were able to enjoy our day together. It just goes to show that there are some people in your life who leave deep footprints on your heart, thus making it easy to pick up where you left off when adversity causes your paths to temporarily diverge. In that respect, today was very special, and I'm glad we were able to share that time together to be reacquainted. In all seriousness, it was a blessing that I'm very thankful for.

So hanging out with Aaron was what made my day special.......here's what made my day interesting: I ran into 3 ex's. Yeah, when it rains, it pours. That quote is my life! Now, when I say ex's, I don't mean ex-boyfriends. These are more like guys I just really hung out with casually but never really had a formal date with. Although there were feelings of attraction, they were complicated by bad timing, complex feelings, lack of seriousness, **insert lame excuse here**, etc. so I was never able to establish an in-depth relationship with any of these guys but they have encompassed all the game-playing and heartache that I've experienced in the past year or so. I don't mean to bad mouth these guys at all because obviously they all have unique attributes that I found compelling, thus making it obvious as to why I have a bitter taste in my mouth. But today ladies and gentlemen, I got back my thunder. I dunno, maybe it was a combination of not eating and wearing my bikini, but today, someone had to wipe drool off the floor at the River Club pool, aisle 4 at Home Depot, and again in the Home Depot parking lot. Yeah, I sound cocky as hell which is pretty out of the ordinary for me, but, I'm pretty sure that after seeing those gawk over me, I got the last laugh, and it was AWESOME! My favorite was Travis, my eye candy from Rich's whom I caught checking me out, and when I waved at him, he was like "holy shit!" And the thunder rolls.....

So, I know I sound mean, but what can I say? It was a good day. I was in such a good mood, I didn't really even care when I watched the lady in the big, grey Tahoe backed right into little ole Pebbles (my car) and put a huge dent in her bumper. Oh well, my poor bumper has taken a beating, so I'm gonna be optimistic say, "hell yeah! I get a new bumper and don't have to pay for it!" You know it's been a good day when you can laugh at your worst setback. Plus, I got a good tan today, so I feel like I accomplished something. Go me!

So, I guess the profound message to be had from my day is that, in the end, we really are going to be happy. I mean, I've gone through a lot of heartache with my friends, and with guys, but it really is ok in the end. You will get the last laugh eventually. This is really corny, but last night, before I went out, I was trying to find some perfume to wear, but since I don't really buy perfume for myself, the only thing I found was my free sample of Clinique "Happy To Be" which is kind of an appropriate name......I know I will be happy one day. I'm just in an in-between stage right now, using an in-between perfume.......I'm pretty content, but one day, I will find the beacon of happiness I seek. We're all happy-to-be! And, right now, I'm exhausted, so I'm going to shower, and pass out. Hope y'all are having a good night! Love you!

"Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, then it's not the end."

mis amigos.......

"Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings forget how to fly..."

So, the past 48 hours were pretty intense for me. I know things got ridiculous and that I freaked out pretty bad, but I was so amazed by how awesome you guys were. I went to bed comforted by the fact that God has blessed me with some of the best friends that I could ever ask for. I took my away message down last night, and almost immediately I was bombarded with IM's from you guys making sure that I was ok. My wonderful roommates were there to listen to me think out loud and they really helped me think clearly when I was overwhelmed with irrational thoughts. One of my best friends called almost on cue when I needed a reason to smile. I dunno, it all added up, and when there was no comfort in my situation, I remembered that I've already established great friendships with amazing, wonderful people that I know will never go away. That, my friends, is such a special gift that I'm glad we've been able to give ourselves. So, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for being so friggin' awesome!

Here's a couple shout outs to my special peeps, and just because I don't put you on here doesn't mean that I don't love you! Names are in alphabetical order to avoid showing favoritism because I love you all the same!

Daniel - you are something else........you know how to make me smile more than anyone I've ever known. Thanks for caring and for never failing to check on me. You really are like my brother, and I appreciate you taking care of me. I love you forever!

Jamie - You've always been there. Period. Your words of comfort mean so much, and your faith brings me optimism through my darkest times. Thanks so much for ALWAYS being there.

Jojo - you're pretty ridiculous sometimes, but you and your shit-eatin' grin always make me feel better. I'm really sorry we don't get to hang out as much as we used to. Just remember that my phone is always on, and you promised to get drunk with me Fri.......I'm holding you to it! luv ya!

Kit - I don't know how you do it, but you always make me feel like a bagillion dollars. Your guidance and honesty through the years have made all the difference. Thanks for keeping everything simple for me and for being so amazing. It means more to me than you'll ever know.......**muah** (there's some suga suga for ya!)

KT - I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You've helped me keep my sanity through A LOT and you've always defended me up till the very end. I love the memories that we've made and all the random shit we come up with together! You're very special to me and I love you!

Kyle - sometimes, I don't know why you care, but you do, and I cherish that more than you'll know. Thanks for putting up with me. I know it's tough, but I'm so glad that I have someone I can tell everything to. You're awesome, kid!

Matt P. - Ya know, I could go on for a good while about you.....seriously.......but I just hope you know that you're awesome, and if we're still single when we're like 30, you might just have to marry me, k? I heart you bunches!

Nicki - your honesty opens doors to new wisdom more everyday, and I appreciate you for never faultering to appreciate who I am. With you, my sorrows are divided and my joys are multiplied. And I love when you laugh at how retarded I am! I love you bunches and thanks for being you.

Staisha - sometimes, when I think no one understands, someway, somehow, you are the one who seems to understand the logic in the craziness that goes on in my head. That's very special which explains why you are my very best friend. You know me better than anyone I know, and I'm so proud of what we've been through and can't wait to see where we'll go. You are da bombdizzle! I love you!

Yay, someone be proud of me for writing a pleasant blog.......there wasn't too much complaining or too much gloating......it was just right. Thanks y'all for all that you do. It speaks volumes more than you'll ever know....

Caught up......

**WARNING: VENTING IN PROGRESS**

Yep, the whole reason I signed up for this blog thing was to get my feelings out, and now, I have bagillions of questions and thoughts getting entangled in my tired little head. Why?? Oh that's right, because boys still suck.

No, nothing happened which is exactly what has me confused. There was no phone call, no text message, no nothing within the past 48 hours. Why?? That is the ultimate question at hand. You see, girls are fucked up when they want so badly to be in love. There's no denying that. I'm guilty. This psychosis, however, can only be blamed on the male population. No, this is not a boy bashing fest, I promise. It's just that as I recollect my failed attempts to form relationships in the past two years, I've encountered the same problem, and that is that guys have a hard time putting their emotions into words, especially when it comes to conveying negative emotions that could be hurtful to the girl. Guys don't give bad news, they give hints that are left open for our interpretation, and unfortunately, we've been conditioned to respond to these hints in a negative way because 9 times out of 10, the guy is just blowing us off to save face. They are merely games that we can't win, and our dramatic tendencies amplify our losses and give us the stigma of being emotionally fucked up. That really sucks. Because what happens when a guy comes along who isn't interested in playing games? It doesn't matter because I've been conditioned, and that conditioning overrides any thoughts or feelings that logically justifies any situation. Why hasn't Brian called me in 48 hours?? In my heart, I know that he's busy, and that's ok. It really is. I don't need a phone call to know that he's still interested. Or do I? History says I do. Therefore, my overanalytical tendencies have fostered a marquee of irrational thoughts that have ultimately overtaken my ability to function normally, thus explaining why I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night downloading songs and thinking about things WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY too much. And it sucks. Period. I don't want to think like this. I don't want to be fucked up anymore. But as far as I'm concerned, the next time that I get told by a guy that I'm being irrational, I hope he looks down and sees the bloodstains on his hands because chances are, at one point in time he opted to play games instead of being honest. That has been detrimental for us all.

Again, this wasn't meant to be a boy bashing fest. And no, not all guys are like this. I'm choosing to think that Brian isn't like this either. When he has time, he will call. Because as of present, he has no obligations to me. Maybe I'm in denial, but a really awesome friend told me tonight that I should give him the benefit of the doubt because it will bring good karma. I know I have a really bad history, but history has to change, right? Something's got to work out eventually. At least I hope so, and I hope it's with Brian. But we shall see...........

Hope y'all are having a good night. I still love you guys!

Everytime I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down
And where it lands is when it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Cuz something's gotta go wrong
Cuz I'm feelin' way too damn good
--Nickelback

If you're happy and you know it.....?

YES! I am loving the feedback (even if one was from random chick that lives in Hong Kong). I think it's pretty awesome that in spite of mishaps, broken hearts, and prolonged periods of loneliness, most people seem to be pretty optimistic about relationships. MOST people anyway, I suppose that some people are allowed to be cynical. I know I had to fight off bad thoughts to remain optimistic about it all, so, to Jojo, just remember that if you believe in love and believe in yourself, then you'll find yourself happy with someone. That's it. Period.

So I had an amazing time Saturday night in case any of you were curious. Don't really know what's going to happen, but just one night of EVERYTHING going right was enough to relinquish the faith I'd lost in guys. Yeah, so it turns out that they aren't all fuckers. It just took me a while........and I've had a shit-eatin' grin on my face ever since Saturday. The only thing I don't understand is why it took an amazing night with an amazing guy to put me on cloud nine? I mean, is there some sort of threshold that we are unable to exceed with our own internal happiness? Perhaps, but my new argument is that even though it's easier for someone to propel your level of happiness, the spark lies within the happiness that you create for yourself. I think that's been the hardest concept for me to grasp. I just KNEW there was no way that I could make myself as happy as I've recollected in my memories of the past, but I knew that it was important for me to try. "You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You're going to find that you're as beautiful as you feel." I love that quote, and it's so true. It's very gratifying to know that my effort to be happy paid off (well, hopefully). I dunno, I just have a feeling about this one. I just don't feel like he's going anywhere which is such a good feeling because I don't want him to. I finally found my "Seth" except he isn't as dorky and doesn't talk as much (Bob knows what I'm talking about, and yes, he has two sisters, but they are married. I'll have to look at the depth chart....maybe we can find you a cousin or something.) Anywho, I could probably go on and on and on, but I'll spare you. It's just amazing cause I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I guess good things really do come to those who wait (profound, I know, but again, so true!)

So, I guess that's all for now. Just remember to keep your chins up and smile no matter what, k? I love you guys.......peace....

Those that go searching for love only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it. -DH Lawrence