Who am I?

So, how am I really doing?

Well, do you want what I tell people, or do you want to know how I really am? I bet after I tell you, you'll wish you'd chosen the former, but here it is, straight up with no bullshit attached...

I knew that every facet of my life was going to change when I moved to Augusta (aka Disgusta...affectionately, of course). Knowing how different things would be made it important for me to remember that I couldn't compare life in Athens to the new life I'm trying to figure out here in the AUG. It's apples and oranges, and I'm here for different reasons. Therefore, my schedule is different, the people are different, my responsibilities and purpose are different, and my overall life in general is just on a completely different road. And that's ok. The problem is that in making this transition, I feel like I lost a piece of myself that I'm going to have to find all over again. I don't know where this road is leading, and I don't really even know the person walking down it. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I'm totally stepping back, putting everything on autopilot, and letting God's plan take its course.

Well, this should be good, right? Sometimes I'm not so sure...

Today, as I was sitting in class listening my English-educated Nigerian research teacher, ramble on and on about how to calculate the reliability and validity of research statistics (exciting stuff, huh?), I wondered why the hell I ever thought going to PT school was a good idea. I mean, my classes aren't horrible. In fact, I'd even say that the workload is equivalent to the demands that UGA presented to me in undergrad; afterall, I've definitely still had time to go to the bars, attend a keg party, and take advantage of Thirsty Thursday at the Augusta Greenjackets game and make pyramids with all the cans of beer we drank (128 to be exact...crazy huh?)

But, at the same time, I find myself spending my spare time in a cadaver lab trying to figure out muscles, bones, nerves, tendons, arteries, veins, etc. while trying to keep the smell of fermaldahyde out of my nose, the face of the cadaver covered with the towel, and my emotions stable enough to prevent me from having a panic attack (I've already had one.....and here I thought I was emotionally strong!) When I'm not with Bob (my cadaver....don't ask) I'm thinking about him, dreading having to go see him again, and holding back tears because all the time I've spent with him has broken down my emotional bulwark to where the slightest thing makes me cry. Example: Staisha asked me about a memento I have from my Dad, and I broke down into a hysterical crying fit. It's almost been a year, and I've definitely moved on. So what the hell?

Who am I?

I've gotten to the point where I can't even stand to look in the mirror. I don't like who I see, I don't like who I am, and I absolutely don't feel like I hold any sort of self-worth. Sad, isn't it?

WHO AM I?

But of course, my demeanor reflects that of the same ole Stacy. I'm the master of throwing things into the back of my head, but there have definitely been more tears behind closed doors. I'll continue to walk down this road with a smiley face, and I know that I'll get to where I'm going, but if you were to ask me right now where I saw myself in 10 years, I'd tell you that you'd see a successful PT who was single and living in a townhouse while getting fatter and uglier with no one remotely close enough to me to be able to understand me. I know it's ridiculous, but that's just how I feel right now. And I don't know how to make it go away.

Who am I?

I have senioritis, and I'm only in my third week of school. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. Maybe being a personal trainer would have been better for me. At least I wouldn't have to play with cadavers. But I know I'll make it. Somehow. Trusting God's plan isn't the hard part; it's just a matter of accepting it. I'm being completely submissive to Him. Things will work out how they are supposed to, but I'm not so sure I'm going to like the ending.

We'll see.

I still love y'all.....

How high and what color?

Ok, so those of you that know me at all are probably wondering why I haven't rambled about relationships/guys/love/etc. in a while. I'm sure that it's particularly shocking since I've moved to a new city filled with new potential prospects. Well, surprisingly, I haven't been letting the idea of a relationship fester every thought. Sure, I have found some eye candy, and yes, I have been plotting out how I'm going to meet some of the other med students not in my program, but at the same time, I'm not really trying at all. I've decided that I'm going to let it happen naturally. For the first time ever, I'm not going to let my wants take precedence over my needs; therefore, I'm not going to try to take the wheel and steer my own destiny. And I think that this time, I might actually get what I want.

My sister sent me an email the other day while she was at work asking me if she thought it was possible to date someone and fall in love with the idea of a relationship instead of the person. She then proceeded to tell me her most recent story which explained the reason she was asking. To give her an answer, I retreated back to the memories of the many different guys that I dated while I was in Athens, and I thought about whether or not my actions were influenced by my feelings for the other person or by my incessant desire to be in a relationship. Furthermore, I found that her story was parallel to my most recent attempt at a relationship which helped me to answer her question more thoroughly than I could have imagined. And in doing so, I think I learned a lot about myself.

Those of us who desperately want to be loved try so hard that we end up damaging ourselves in the process. We get our hopes up and when our relentless prayers remain unanswered, our hearts falter until they are so chipped, battered, and broken that we give up on that person, but then we pick ourselves up and try again. It's a vicious cycle that makes us weaker and weaker each time that we go through it. And it gets old, but it can never kill our dream of finding someone special, so we pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.

In our attempts, we find that we also become more and more submissive to the other person's needs. We figure, "hey, maybe if I keep him happy and do everything he asks, this one will stay around." When he asks us to jump, we ask him, "how high? and what color?" We figure that getting all the details right will keep him happy and let him know that we care, but this makes it too easy for him. He wants a challenge that we are not willing to give him because we want it to work out and be simple. In the end, he gets bored and eventually leaves. And we start over.

What I realized that in being so submissive, I wasn't actually building a real relationship because they weren't getting to know the real me that's really stubborn and loves to get her way. My actions were a result of wanting a relationship, not wanting the person. So yes, I think it is possible to fall in love with the idea of a relationship. However, mine and Alishia's more recent stories don't suggest this. We each broke the cycle and really found someone, but unfortunately for both of us, it ended the same way.

She and I both ran into situations where the guys' needs and our needs came into conflict with each other, thus forcing us to make a compromise. Basically, we were both caught in separate love triangles where we were trying to form a relationship with a guy while dealing with an ex that was still very much in the picture. In effort to alleviate the turmoil caused by such a sticky situation, both me and my sister backed off and gave our guys space in an attempt to let them figure out what they truly wanted. We sacrificed our own needs to relieve them of the pressure in making their decisions.

At the time, it seemed easy to write them off and move on. After all, we'd done it so many times before, and THE BOOK says that if they can't just pick you, then they must not be that into you, right? But in answering my sister's question, I realized that the altruism I exuded in my own situation indicated that I was very much in love with the person versus the idea of a relationship. I realized that my decision to back off was one of the hardest decisions I'd ever made and perhaps the only time that I had ever truly put my own needs behind someone else's. I wasn't fulfilling their needs for my benefit, but rather, for theirs. Unfortunately for me, to care that deeply and make such a sacrifice wasn't acknowledged in the final decision. When a person exits a love triangle, the cheese stands alone while the remaining duo change their facebook status and add each other's names. But, as a result of that, I became the challenge that walked away which made me intriguing in spite of the decision he made. As a result, I had to forget about my own desires (again) that were still very much present, and ask the guy to exit my life so that he could not taunt me. And he did.

You can love somebody and not want to be with them - sometimes, a person can be so confused that they don't recognize their own needs. When you can identify them on their behalf, fulfill them, and choose to walk away in spite of what you want, then you've just made a statement that speaks volumes about your feelings for that particular person. Unfortunately, they are still so confused that they can't recognize your efforts. At the same time, perhaps we, too, are so confused that we don't recognize our own needs, but by walking away, we might be saving ourselves from an even bigger heartache.

So what's the bottom line? The only sacrifice worth making for somebody is the one where you let their needs take precedence over your own. Because your actions are influenced by your feelings for them versus your desire to be loved, you can identify that you love them and NOT just what role you want them to fulfill. And even if your efforts aren't rewarded, things will work out just the way that they are supposed to because the person who turns around and reciprocates the same sacrifice is the one that is going to stay in your life. He's the one you want.

Being entirely submissive to someone's needs isn't going to make him stick around any longer. So care for you and only you, and things will work themselves out. Right now, that's all I can really do, so that's my plan and I'm stickin to it!

Ok, no more rambling about love/relationships/guys/etc! Love y'all!

"I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. Its exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks."
~George, Grey's Anatomy
Sorry Kit, the quote was extremely fitting for this blog. I had to do it.

Night Owl

Yep, it's approximately 11:45 pm, and even though I've been dead to the world since I got back from orientation, my energy has decided that it wants to peak like it always does around this time of night. It doesn't matter how exhausted I am, between 11:30 and midnight, I start bouncing off the damn walls! It's kind of annoying because there's not much you can do at this time of night to expend excess energy. I always wish I could go running, but I know many, many people who would not be happy with me if I did so because of the potential dangers, so instead I write....

Orientation went well today in spite of the fact that I haven't built up the endurance to maintain my attention span for longer than 10 minutes, thus explaining the exhaustion I experienced upon arriving home. I don't think this exhaustion is going to dissipate anytime soon, thanks to MCG's student expectations which requires for us to achieve "mastery" status for every single concept we learn. This basically means that I'll be required to earn a "B" or better on each assignment given to us. This means no fuck ups. I'm allowed to make C's in my non-DPT classes, but I still must maintain a 3.0 GPA which shouldn't be too difficult considering that I was required to do that in undergrad to keep HOPE. I know I can do it. Today's presentation of student expectations didn't really scare me, but I know it's going to be a lot of hard work in order to do it. I might even have to read the books that they force me to purchase. But first, I better work on the longevity of my attention span, or I'm never going to get anywhere!

This past weekend, I made the trek back to Perry for a couple of days. I hadn't been home since February, so it was a nice little retreat. I hung out with Amy Harris, ran into Anne Adams, and I drank beer at the high school with Kit, Jojo, and Jud. Good times in P-town (surprisingly). Maybe if I stay away as long as possible, then the trek back won't be so painful. Which reminds me - since Jamie Wood invited everyone and their mother to her wedding, I've decided that we should have a little throw-down afterwards so that everyone can hang out! I'm thinking of the Tavery, but we'll see! The wedding is June 24th, so if you're planning on going, you definitely have to get drunk with us after the reception! More good times in P-town!

Alright, I have school tomorrow, and my eyelids are heavy in spite of the fact that my energy levels haven't quite dwindled, but I'm going to attempt sleep anyway. Love y'all!

So this is the real world...

First of all, I wanna apologize to every person that I cried all over on Friday night (and for dropping my drink and splattering everyone!) I was a bit of a basketcase, but what can I say? Leaving Athens sucked! But, Augusta has been alright so far and I'm adjusting well. Kit warned me to not think too much about this transition, but what he doesn't know is that I've always done really well with change. Do I like it? Absolutely not. But I have a resiliency about me that makes it easy for me to get through the transitions that life brings, so I'm really ok! I just miss everyone.....

The AUG (as I've affectionately named it) is definitely different than Athens. Four years ago when I left Perry for Athens, I thought I was going out into the real world. Yeah right! Athens was a great first place to move away from home to. Everything in the city caters to college kids, and you can't beat downtown Athens! There's constant entertainment, and you're constantly surrounded by kids your own age, thus making it very easy to meet people. Within the first week, I'd already developed a mini-network of friends to go to the dining hall with, hang out with, and to turn to with questions. I've currently been in the AUG for 4 days and I have yet to meet anyone in my complex that's my age. There were kids running around the pool when I got here, and there's a playground right next to the tennis courts. I'm used to spring breakin' it by the pool at River Club, and I'm definitely not used to hear children squeal with glee outside my apartment window. Yes, Johnny, I think I'm in the real world now...

Needless to say, I'm anxious to go to orientation and meet some people in my class and hopefully make some friends quick. I am very thankful for Paige and Jonathan who have warmly taken me in since I've been here. I've realized that I'm pretty lucky to be close with a couple of people in this city; my roommates don't really know anyone at all! Familiar faces are always comforting after a hard day, and relying on JP is going to be awesome. I'm very grateful for them.

So, all in all, I'm doing alright. There's no place like Athens, but luckily for me, it's a mere hour and a half drive, and I know some people who would gladly let me stay on their couch, so it's nice knowing I can always retreat back and remember the good ole days in the ATH. Until then, I'll be chillin in the AUG...

Hope everyone is doing well! Congrats to everyone graduating! I love y'all!

"So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left...in Athens."
~1 Thessalonians 3:1

Ice cream and pickles....

....is my current snack of choice, and, no, I'm not pregnant. That's just what happens when you're about to move and are trying to clean out your refrigerator to avoid wasting food. There are, after all, starving kids in China...

My blog has been sucking it up lately. No comments on the past three blogs = sad times. Kit says that it's because I need shorter paragraphs and happier subjects. History shows that my best writing comes out when I'm depressed, thus explaining why most of my blogs reflect my mood. What can I say? When something exciting happens, I'd rather go celebrate (aka drink Corona) than sit down and write a blog. But I guess I'll work on that. As for the short paragraphs......well, you all know that I'm a flowery writer, thus explaining the extensive babble. But, if shorter paragraphs will convince more people like Jonathan to read my blog, then I'll give it a shot. So, I will now stop babbling....

(new paragraph)

I'm pretty sad about moving. In fact, I'm not going to talk about it because everytime I start thinking about it, the tears threaten to come flooding down. So, in a beat of optimism, my good friend Paige who currently lives in Augusta was recently accepted into MCG's respiratory therapy program (selected as one of 9 out of 62 applicants....wha-what!) and she'll be in the same building as me at MCG. I think that's God's way of taking care of me....it's gonna be ok! (yay, happiness!)

Vegas was pretty amazing, and I had an oober good time with my bro! He's truly amazing! I found out that he is scheduled to go to Iraq in May 2007 (assuming that we are still in conflict). I can't say that I'm nervous about this because I've just never been one to freak out about stuff like this, but I still asked Willie how he felt about it, and his answer was more admirable than I would've imagined it to be. He said, "ya know what people don't understand about those of us who are joining the military right now in a time of conflict? They don't realize that we were once the little boys who played with our GI Joes with dreams of becoming a soldier one day. Sure, anybody could easily enlist in the military during a time of peace, but we are the ones who signed up knowing that we could be put in the middle of the conflict, and as scary as it is, we want to go over there because we'll finally be able to live out our dream. I don't understand why there are Americans out there who want to take that away from us." Whoa! Feed off that you liberal ass pieces of shit! I think that instead of wanting to bring the troops home, the liberals and anybody else in our country that's against the war should just shut the hell up and go bury their heads in the sand because they just don't understand what it's like to have the courage enough to fight for America, thus giving them no reason to hang their heads high. I don't know about y'all, but my heroes wear camouflauge!

Oops, that was a long paragraph. Forgive me.....but yeah, Vegas was a blast. And Dean, I want you to know that I ate at In-N-Out, Carl's Junior, Jack in the Box, and Bob's Big Boy. :) (aren't I a brat?!)

Ok, that's enough for now. I love y'all! And if anyone is looking at an incredibly boring Saturday with nothing to do, you are MORE THAN WELCOME to come help me move (hint-hint-wink-wink-nudge-nudge!) :)

Until next time....

"wine me, booze me, sex me"
~Kit trying to get in with the Grey's Anatomy lingo. And he's convinced that it'll work better than "Pick me, choose me, love me." haha