Getting the healing done...

"Who is Matt?? "
"You're in a relationship?!?!"
"Why is it complicated??"

These are some of the most recent questions that people have been asking me, but unfortunately, I'm at a loss for how to explain the situation. Basically, I've found myself in the same predicament that I've been in with every other guy that I've "dated" (I use that term loosely) for the past 3 years. You know how it goes...things are great, everything's going my way, then he falls off the face of the earth and I automatically interpret it as he's just not that into me. I desperately try to replenish whatever harm I might have done, but it's usually pretty unsuccessful. Then things just go downhill. If you know me at all, you know how pessimistic and skeptical I get in these situations. And you also know how much it brings me down. What gives?

Matt promised to never leave me hanging, and technically, I guess he hasn't. I watched him give a lot of respect to his ex-girlfriend by making sure that they ended on good terms by being completely honest with her. Why wouldn't he give me that same respect? Right? My biggest error in this situation is that I've stereotyped Matt with every other guy that's let me down. No one else ever gave me the closure that I so wish that I could have had. There were never any explanations, and I never got any answers. It just faded into nothing, and I got over it. So having not talked to Matt since Sunday has me on edge and assuming that it's over.

But why?

Because the wounds of my past haven't healed, and they are ultimately shaping my current expectations and dictating the outcome of the situation before I even get the chance to see if it will work.

My sister-in-law, Mischa, started reading "Captivating" (you can find references to this book in the January 2006 archives) and she's encouraged me to re-read the book with her so that we can discuss it together. I'll admit, I've been slacking lately, but last night, in looking for some sort of inspiration to calm my on-edge nerves, I read 3 chapters and found answers to questions that had been scrolling through my head. Here's what I realized:

1) the reason that my "relationships" never fabricate into anything real is because I never give them the chance. My bleeding heart attracts the same kind of results because the outcome has already been pre-determined by my attitude. Therefore, the only way to let God give me the desires of my heart is by first letting Him into my heart to heal my wounds. Once I can fully let go of the past, my attitude will change and I can accomplish all the things that I have been dreaming about.
2) the reason that God continually lets me thwart my relationships is because He knows how much they mean to me. School and work don't mean as much to me as my family and relationships do; therefore, when it comes to relationships, He lets me fall as far as I need to until I remember how much I need His blessing. There's a very big void in my heart that was deepened even more after I lost Daddy. It's easy for a guy like Matt to fill that void because he's such a sweet, amazing guy, but Matt can't be the one to fill that void; God is the only one that can heal my heart in the way that I really need. Therefore, He capitalizes on my impatience, my aggressiveness, and my passion for wanting a relationship so bad by ultimately letting me destroy all my chances. As a result, I find myself at the bottom, and He's the only thing that can bring me out of my despair. In order to avoid this, I have to figure out a way to let God stay in my heart while letting myself fall in love with someone else. I've never been one to have my heart go in more than one direction which is a good thing most of the time, but I have to love God the way that He wants me to. Otherwise, He's going to keep knocking on my heart until I finally let Him back in, even if it means forcing someone else out.
3) Relationships aren't a fairytale. Life is way too complicated and demanding for me to be able to live a fairytale relationship no matter how much a person loves me. Just because I would make someone my number one priority doesn't mean that others have that luxury. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. Personally, I would put off an hour of studying to talk to someone special or stay up all night long, sacrificing sleep to spend time with someone. I'm sure there are plenty of people that can vouch for me here. That's just me though. I can get by with little to no sleep, and school - well, it comes naturally to me anyway and I'm pretty good at bullshitting my way through tests which compensates for my lack of studying. So even though I would like to think that someone who liked me enough would be willing to make the same sacrifices, I have to remember that not everyone is like me. Therefore, I can't be selfish by jumping to conclusions when things don't go my way. Afterall, they might be doing everything that they possibly can.

Mischa really whooped me into shape yesterday. Sometimes, I'm sorry that I'm not close enough to my mom to let her be my relationship mentor, but I'm very grateful for Mischa because she's really stepped into the role, and I can always count on her to be boldly honest with me. She gives me the faith that I lack when my overzealous, pessimistic attitude dominates my thoughts, and she presents new perspectives which I'm starting to find to be very feasible. So thanks Mama Mischa.

As for what happens next, I have no idea. I've never been good at figuring out how to bring someone back when I've practically pushed them away by nagging them and giving them a hard time when truth is, they were probably doing all that they could. Over time, they aren't very receptive to any attempt I make to revive things. But then again, maybe there's nothing to revive in this situation, and I'm just listening to my heart which is not such a smart thing considering how incredibly broken it has stayed for the past 3 years. Matt told him me to trust him, and even though I can't find a single reason to do so, I'm shoving my skepticism and pessimism in the corner and choosing to believe that with time, I will be healed and we'll be able to work things out. So Matt, if you ever read this, I just want you to know how incredibly sorry I am for the way I've been acting, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to try to understand my pain and acknowledge my attempt to better my attitude. I trust you, I trust what you said, and I'm just going to give you room to breathe until you figure things out. I just really hope that it's sometime soon...

So who is Matt?? He's an awesome guy that I've been getting to know for the past month.
Am I in a relationship?? No, and I just hope that I've figured things out before I blew my chances.
Why is it complicated?? Because I make them that way. And if things don't work out, then I only have myself to blame, but at least this time I truly learned something, and I will let my heart heal before I set out with the same pre-determination I've always had.

Again, thanks for listening....I really love you guys!

"Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done."
~Van Morrison

Early morning rant...

Sitting in the Chicago-O’Hare airport an hour and a half early for my 8:45 am flight while staring at the overcast skies through the big window and listening to somber songs on my iPod isn’t exactly helping my already sour mood. For one, I abhor airports. It doesn’t matter how good a trip is, having to go home usually sucks, and for me, the airport has always been the venue that reintroduces me to reality which isn’t very promising considering how dismal airports are. To top it off, my feet are full of blisters from walking around Chicago all day yesterday in heels (yeah, what the hell was I thinking?!) AND I haven’t really slept in 3 days. Sigh, it’s only 7:37 and I think it’s time for a nap…….

My trip to Chicago was great! Mischa took me to the city and I was finally able to visit the Art Institute of Chicago to indulge in the paintings of Gauguin, Monet, Manet, Van Gogh, Picasso, and some others. I’m not really pretending to be sophisticated here – thanks to Mrs. Lee’s AP English class senior year, I’ve really developed an appreciation for Impressionist art. After we had a nice lunch, we walked up Michigan Avenue to “shop” in Coach, Burberry, AX, Tiffany’s, Guess, etc. Of course we didn’t really buy anything (having to fix my car last week left me broke, not that I could afford any of it to begin with) but it’s always interesting to go in those stores and see who’s pretending like they have money (like me) or who actually can afford the heinous yellow Burberry jacket that ran for $745. I did get kind of excited when we were in the Coach store and the employees looked at us as though we were actually prospective patrons. Maybe one day….

And of course, hanging out with Dean was awesome as always. We played cards with some of Dean and Mischa’s friends who were kind of amazed by how similar mine and Dean’s personalities are, especially considering the fact that we really didn’t grow up together. It’s just nice to know that in spite of all the turmoil I face, I can always call him up and know that somehow, he’ll understand. We had fun being ridiculous together. We went to the mall and spent an hour or so in the arcade which I haven’t done in YEARS! It’s so funny how much smaller those skee-ball tables look these days and how much my skills have improved with age. It was kind of fun giving our tickets away to kids who were just DYING to cash in enough tickets to get the disfigured, cross-eyed stuffed bear from the prize counter. Ah, to be a kid again…

So, as I mentioned, I haven’t slept in like 3 days. Part of the reason is because my nephew’s Boston terrier, Peavey, slept with me, and he likes to borough under the covers which made me a little nervous because I was scared that I was either going to kick the crap out of him or just smother him to death under the layers of blankets. The bigger part of the reason, however, is because I realized that I’m losing my comfort zone. Prior to and during my trip, I’ve been trying to figure out living arrangements for when I start school at MCG in May. I was counting on my friend, Jaclyn’s, acceptance to be my bulwark for the new experiences I would be faced with, but after being placed on the waiting list, she’s opted to go to State instead which means that I’m going into this whole thing without anyone really knowing me at all. Additionally, having been spoiled with awesome roommates in my undergraduate career, I’ve realized that there’s a very slim chance I’m going to be able to accomplish the same companionship with new roommates which brings about the fear of being lonely. PT school isn’t going to be a very easy endeavor, and not knowing that I’ll have someone reliable to lean on through it all scares the hell out of me! And, of course, to top it all off, my financial resources aren’t coming together so nicely which means that I’ll probably have to take out more loans than I thought which ought to built my debt up rather nicely. I know that everything’s going to work out, I’m just very nervous about it right now which explains the sleep deprivation, lack of appetite, and overall uneasy feeling. But, I guess we’ll just have to see what I can come up with….

AND to top THAT off, I haven’t talked to Matt in two days which exacerbates my nervousness. Maybe by the time I make it back to Athens, my exhaustion will have caught up with me so that I can pass out as soon as possible. Then I can dream about being a little kid again in the arcade without a care in the world…

Thanks for listening…..love y’all!

Pictures/updates

I need to post something, but I'm fresh out of thoughts. Why? I don't really know. For one, the drama in my life has been petty and juvenile which hasn't stimulated any sort of interesting, new ideas. I've also found that having my mind spin at a million miles an hour is just......well, dumb. As skeptical as I am and with as pessimistic as I can be in my darker moments, I've found that in spite of it all, remembering that things have ALWAYS been ok in the end makes it easy to keep my chin up. My thoughts just complicate things. God is an orderly God; therefore, things always make sense whether or not we understand them. Since the pen is in His hand, I'm extremely confident that there will be a happy ending. Trusting God helps shape our hearts, and with as mangled and battered as my heart has been lately, it's been very healthy for me to just take it in stride and know that it's gonna work out, it's going to be ok, and I will find the desires of my heart.

Until then, I'm just living it up! :)

My bday was amazing....I basically got to do all of my favorite things including spending all day with my friends and we had a blast. We went to dinner at DePalma's (yum!) and then we went out on the town. We also went to church, Chicken Express for lunch, a bball game, and played some softball. It was just an overall good day! :)


Half of the crew at DePalma's...


The other table....they had to split us up :( I was really happy that Melissa came to town (right) and of course I love my roommate (Kristen) and Matt's always been a favorite friend! :)


Zach, Rob, Jen and I at Boar's Head. We were all feeling pretty good at this point! ;)


Emily, Kirsten, and Kristen came out too... fun times!

And then last weekend.......well, it was pretty interesting. I went to Statesboro/Savannah for St. Patty's Day and to hang out with friends. I've never seen so much green in my life! I was surprised by how festive everyone was, but I guess when there's a holiday that gives people an excuse to drink, then what the hell?? right?? :)


Jen, Zach, Tori, and I hangin out at the Hilton DeSoto in downtown Savannah. I really wish the stupid guy from Knoxville, TN hadn't ruined my picture. I always knew there was something wrong with Vols fans, but isn't Zach a cute little leprechaun? haha...


Going anywhere with these girls is always a guaranteed good time! Aren't we all hott?? :) Oh, and please notice Zach trying to get in the middle of our picture....such a stud!

So yeah, there's your update. :) I love you guys!

"It's all gonna be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end...."

Little moments....

Hmmm...I still have 30 minutes left of my birthday, and while it has been one heck of a long day, I've enjoyed every minute of it. I am, however, going to take a minute to reflect on the changes that occurred in the past year.

21 was definitely not a good year from me. I spent a majority of my 21st year grieving the loss of my father, and in these last passing minutes of today, I was reminded of how much I miss him. I remember a year ago today, I sat in my apartment surrounded by friends from out of town who had dropped everything that they were doing to come to Athens to help me celebrate. My birthday was great last year, but in the midst of the million phone calls I recieved, I recalled hoping that my caller ID would say "Daddy" before the day was over. At this point, 4 or 5 months had passed without recieving a call from him. He was out of town the previous Christmas, and while he talked to my little brother on Thanksgiving, my conversation with him would have to wait because he didn't have time to catch up. Therefore, I was so hopeful that he would call on my birthday and not forget.

He didn't call.

I was so incredibly sad to the point where I was angry. I mean, this was my Daddy. Surely he could make time to call me on my birthday, right?

I called my mom in tears and vented to her about how disappointed I was. Then I proceeded to get drunk and forget about it. He called me the next day, but I was still too angry to talk to him, so his voicemail was the only thing I got from him for my 21st birthday, and it was a day late. Hell, my card even got lost in the mail.

Those memories hurt because they portray my father as some kind of "deadbeat dad" which he absolutely was not. Long distance relationships are hard because the truth to the matter is that life happens and it gets in the way sometimes. In this particular instance, I was too stubborn to even take whatever time he was able to offer me. Now, I know that answering my phone, even if it was one day late, would have been one more conversation we could have had. But now, I'll never get it back.

The reason for this reflection is because one of the biggest things I've learned from this experience is to cherish as many little moments as you can with the people God has blessed into your life. I went to dinner last night with some of the most amazing friends I've ever had, and being surrounded by them absolutely made my day! And not just today because it was my birthday, but everyday! I have met so many great people in my 22 years here, and I wish that I could be a part of each and every one of their lives in the future, but I know that would never be possible. It's so hard to keep up with so many people. Sometimes, I wish I could just have my own little town and let all of my friends and family live there so that I could keep up with everyone. Instead, I just make it a point to cherish what I have and live for the little moments that pull on my heart strings and leave me with "that" feeling inside. When I think about one of them, I call them. When I appreciate something about them, I compliment them. When I'm thankful for them, I tell them. And when I remember that I am so blessed to have them in my life, I let them know that I love them. Life doesn't have to get in the way, and doing what you can is the best way to live so that later, when they aren't there anymore, you don't have to wonder if they left this world wondering how you really felt.

Thanks for a great birthday you guys! I love y'all a whole big heap!

"Yeah I live for little moments when he steals my heart again and doesn't even know it.
Yeah I live for little moments like that..."
~Brad Paisley

"I'm giving up on love cause love has given up on me..."

You know why I like blogs? Because it's a cool way to network ideas, thus allowing us to open our minds to different perspectives and explore new thoughts. This journey we call "life" has way too many twists, thus calling for a little bit of understanding to help cushion our falls, and what better way to seek understanding than by broadcasting our ideas and opening our hearts to new interpretations from the people that we've come to respect the most?

Interestingly enough, Kit's friend, Ln, has started somewhat of an epidemic by posing a rather profound question and challenging us to delve deep into our own experiences when constructing our answers. The question at hand: Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all??

Kit chose the ladder and I think he backed up his answer very well and provided a lot of good premises towards his side of the debate. Sadly, I concurred. I tried to fight this agreement because, as Kit noted, it's not romantic in a woman's eyes by any stretch of the imagination to prefer not to love, but I had no recent personal recollections that could fend for the former side of the argument. So, yes, I would have preferred to never have loved at all.

I know that this seems absolutely ludicrous, but in order to have the good outweigh the bad, it becomes necessary to have shared a deep connection with someone that left butterflies lingering in your stomach. For me, any butterfly that I was given was squished by neglect and dishonesty. I've been strung along and let down to the point where all the experiences over the past 3 years have been slurred into one big disappointment. And that pretty much sucks, so why the hell should I even bother? Because I know what it's like to love....

Think about it: if you (girls) had never ever shaved your legs, would it bother you to have leg hair that was half an inch long? No, because you wouldn't know any different. And guys, if you had never had sex before in your life, would it bother you so much that you weren't getting laid? No, because you would have never awakened the sexual beast inside of you that is unfortunately always hungry.

If I didn't know what it was like to love, then would it bother me that I sit alone most nights wishing my phone would ring? Would it bother me that I didn't have someone special to call besides my family and best friend to share my excitement with when I got into MCG? And would it bother me that I didn't have someone to hug at the end of a bad day to make me feel better?

No. But, I do know what it's like to have the affections of an amazing person, and just being able to remember how wonderful it feels is painful enough to make me want it more.

I don't mind waiting on the person that God is going to give to me, but in the mean time, I wish I had nothing good to remember so that I wouldn't know what I was really missing. I'd prefer to have never loved at all.....

Take care you guys! Love you....

"I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad.
Life aint hard but it’s too long to live it like some country song.
Trade the truth in for a lie, cheating really aint a crime.
I’m giving up on love cause love’s given up on me"
~Kerosene, Miranda Lambert