random thoughts from the injured heart....
Well, that sucks.
But it's ok. It really is. Ok, it's really not ok right now, but it will be soon. Very soon. This is, after all, only day one.
So, Mina told me not too long ago that I'm really backwards. He said that it's amazing how I handled my father's death with such grace, but when it comes to the little things, I freak. And it's true. Yes, the little things are important, but you can't let them break you. Easier said than done....
As much as I want to be mad at myself for not figuring things out sooner (yeah, I really shot myself in the foot with that one, dammit!) I realize that, once again, things didn't work out for a reason. I'm ok with that. I am making a point not to victimize myself over this. Sure, I've slipped up a few times (and my psychic friend called me out on it before I even said anything to her) but it's not the end of the world (how cliche is that?) It just sucks. I just want to matter. (And I know I do.) But as Chance says, I want to be the ultimate matter to someone (hey dude, that's the 4th time you've made my blog...definitely a big deal! haha) I just need someone to care. Not necessarily him, but I wanted it to be him. I finally convinced myself that I wanted him there, but I took too long. I put my heart on my sleeve, but it was too late. And I thought it would be easier to handle. I thought having answers, regardless of what they were, was all I wanted, but my emotions are so overstimulated these days that I have lost all strength to handle anything with grace. ANYTHING! My roommate sent me one of the sweetest emails ever, and I balled. Be amused, because I was. Hey, that's ok. So I'm not a rock. I didn't like being a rock anyway. By the same token, I have to calm down. I can't keep letting myself get too overwhelmed. It's just not healthy. I don't feel like the same, fun-loving person that I used to be. Truth is, I love life, I love people, but no one wants to be brought down. I sure don't. So I need to figure things out, puff out my chest a little, build a bridge, and get over it. And I will.
Ya know, Dr. Phil makes a mint by telling people things that their friends have been telling them for years. And it's true. At this point, I'm just really grateful for how amazing my friends have been today. They have come to my rescue and I haven't even talked to half of them yet. They just knew! That's awesome, and it's something I am very grateful for. :)
So, yeah, I guess I'm ok. Well, maybe I'll be ok tomorrow. Or maybe I'll be ok once I realize that I haven't lost a friend because of this situation. I guess we'll just see.
And I have no idea what the point of this blog was except to vent a little maybe. Either way, thanks for listening....
I love you guys....
"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."
(thanks KT...I love you!)
But it's ok. It really is. Ok, it's really not ok right now, but it will be soon. Very soon. This is, after all, only day one.
So, Mina told me not too long ago that I'm really backwards. He said that it's amazing how I handled my father's death with such grace, but when it comes to the little things, I freak. And it's true. Yes, the little things are important, but you can't let them break you. Easier said than done....
As much as I want to be mad at myself for not figuring things out sooner (yeah, I really shot myself in the foot with that one, dammit!) I realize that, once again, things didn't work out for a reason. I'm ok with that. I am making a point not to victimize myself over this. Sure, I've slipped up a few times (and my psychic friend called me out on it before I even said anything to her) but it's not the end of the world (how cliche is that?) It just sucks. I just want to matter. (And I know I do.) But as Chance says, I want to be the ultimate matter to someone (hey dude, that's the 4th time you've made my blog...definitely a big deal! haha) I just need someone to care. Not necessarily him, but I wanted it to be him. I finally convinced myself that I wanted him there, but I took too long. I put my heart on my sleeve, but it was too late. And I thought it would be easier to handle. I thought having answers, regardless of what they were, was all I wanted, but my emotions are so overstimulated these days that I have lost all strength to handle anything with grace. ANYTHING! My roommate sent me one of the sweetest emails ever, and I balled. Be amused, because I was. Hey, that's ok. So I'm not a rock. I didn't like being a rock anyway. By the same token, I have to calm down. I can't keep letting myself get too overwhelmed. It's just not healthy. I don't feel like the same, fun-loving person that I used to be. Truth is, I love life, I love people, but no one wants to be brought down. I sure don't. So I need to figure things out, puff out my chest a little, build a bridge, and get over it. And I will.
Ya know, Dr. Phil makes a mint by telling people things that their friends have been telling them for years. And it's true. At this point, I'm just really grateful for how amazing my friends have been today. They have come to my rescue and I haven't even talked to half of them yet. They just knew! That's awesome, and it's something I am very grateful for. :)
So, yeah, I guess I'm ok. Well, maybe I'll be ok tomorrow. Or maybe I'll be ok once I realize that I haven't lost a friend because of this situation. I guess we'll just see.
And I have no idea what the point of this blog was except to vent a little maybe. Either way, thanks for listening....
I love you guys....
"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."
(thanks KT...I love you!)
posted by Stacy @ 5:44 PM
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