One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

So today, I found out that my mother's sympathy for my father's death comes with a shelf life. When someone dies, you hear the horror stories about internal fights between family members over life insurance policies, beneficiaries, estates, and all that stuff that I knew nothing about until now (yeah, I'm an expert, ask me anything), but today, my mother decided to intrude and if you don't know my mother, well, she fights dirty. The only understanding that came out of today's events is I that found out that the reason my mother held a 17-year grudge against my father was because she feels like the divorce was his fault and that he took away her chance of having a perfect family. So basically, she is still suffering from a bad heartbreak, and unfortunately, I was the one that got to feel a majority of that wrath over the years. Awesome.

So yeah, our fight lasted approximately 2 hours, went about 17 years back, and we dug a hole way too deep for either of us to crawl out of anytime soon. I could sit and here and write a novel about every comment that she made today, but there's no point. The fact is that my mother is a selfish person, and given the opportunity, you have to throw your cards before they spoil. That's who she is, and today, I realized that I have to accept it. She's the only mother I'm ever going to have, and while we are very incompatible, I have to fight for her. Losing a parent has brought on a newfound appreciation for the one I have left, and even though we will probably continue to fight the most painful battles ever, I love her regardless. I just wish I could make her see that.

The thing I don't understand is why people have to be so negative. I mean, if we always got what we wanted and if circumstances were always in our favor, then we would all be bratty little weaklings without any appreciation for anything. Fortunately, we don't live in an ideal world, and the trials and tribulations we encounter shape our character and help us grow in our wisdom and strength until we blossom into beautiful, amazing people. Each flower in the garden is different, I don't deny that, but why must there always be a weed in the midst of it all? Maybe I've had lots of practice dealing with adversity, thus making it easier for me to exude optimism, but I just get so frustrated because I wish I could make people see how each obstacle we overcome nourishes our character and waters our soul with great truths that allow us to continue to shine in the eyes of God. Everything happens for a reason, as profound as that sounds, but instead of taking on a proactive attitude, we sit around and feel sorry for ourselves and bitch and complain and create an unpleasant aura that makes it uncomfortable for others to be around. I dunno, it just seems like we could be transferring all that negative energy into something more positive. Something good is bound to come from any situation, and I'm a firm believer in that. And at this point, I think that I can find that belief within my heart, then anybody can. Period.

I used to wonder what things would be like if we could go back in time and change a couple of things, but then when my daddy died, I realized that wishful thinking was only a way to ponder against what God had planned, and being that He is the genius behind the plot of our lives, there's no point in convincing ourselves that we truly know what would have worked out best for us. We are all too selfish to realize that maybe what we wanted could have been more painful in the end, and really, what God did for us ultimately prepared us for the obstacles that only He knew we would have to face. For example, I found out that mom is still suffering from heartache from my dad, right? But had things worked out the way she wanted them to, then right now, she would be the widow dealing with life insurance policies while rotting in the horrible state of Louisiana not knowing what to do for herself like my stepmother is. Instead, she's in bed right now with my stepdad who she absolutely loves and adores, yet she's so caught up in the past that she can't be truly happy with him. Why put all those emotions in the past when she could invest them in the very successful relationship she's involved in right now? The butterfly effect is such an awesome concept, but I wouldn't go back in time and change a thing. What if my parents had stayed together? Sure, it sucked because it took me away from my dad and I had to say many painful goodbyes to him, but that would have made his death so much more harder for me. Missing him from my daily life and not having practice would probably make me very bitter, but God prepared me to be stronger than that. There's so much wisdom and perspective to be gained from this situation. Now, I can accept that God has a reason for everything, and more than ever, I can trust Him. He knows what He's doing, that's for damn sure. It might have taken multiple dramatic heartbreaks for me to realize this, but coming to terms with this concept is allowing Him to guide me in whicever direction He thinks is best without the routine interrogation I'm used to employing. I don't ask questions I'm not going to get the answers to anymore, I'm just going to trust Him. Sure, He might have let me down a couple times, but He has never betrayed me, and knowing that makes it easier to accept the good with the bad no matter what. I just wish I knew how to portray that optimism to others and allow them to thrive off of everything that I have learned. For now, I can only pray that everyone finds contentment in the endeavors they choose to follow and will never close God out of their hearts because that's when they will find the bitter darkness that plagues so many people, and it's so sad to see. Trust me. If you want to see it, you should live with my mother for a week.....it's not a pretty sight, but hopefully the love I continue to show her will break her open. I guess we'll just have to see though.

So yeah, today was bad, and I cried pretty damn hard (have I mentioned that I am so entirely sick of crying? Pretty sure that once I get through this, I am never, ever going to cry again!) One step forward, two steps back right? I'll get there....that's what time is for. I just hope that everybody else's sympathy and understanding doesn't come with a shelf life because I don't think I can deal with another episode like today's. I'll just pray that it doesn't happen again.

Take care kids, and remember, if you need anything, I'm always here for you guys. I love you all!

"Rain now just means more flowers later..."