Single white female?

So, I'm not gonna lie......I wish more of you guys would give me feedback about the shit I put on this thing. But it's ok, I understand that school is a bitch and everyone has a full plate to handle before they can focus on anything as trivial as the likes of my thoughts, but if you ever need a distraction, I'd appreciate your comments! But no hard feelings, and thanks to those of you that have responded! I've enjoyed hearing what you have to say!

So, a guy got my number Saturday night..........and I'm a little freaked out. Ok, I'm MAJORLY freaked out. Why?! Dunno......this guy was different. I could tell. And I was attracted to him (gasp!) I met him at a "party" if you can call it that because attendance was poor so I'm not sure it can be classified as a party, but it was a quaint get together sponsored by Miller Lite (yeah, someone had the hookup) that included free paraphernalia and a buzz. Anywho, I got comfortable enough to talk to any and everybody, and found myself having a fun conversation with this kid. I mean, the conversation was as deep as a dinner plate and involved topics like cockroaches and computer science, but he made me laugh, and he had a great smile......so yeah, I'm easy. It was there ya know? I felt it, and now I'm freaked. I just realized how out of the swing of things I am. I mean, relationships are so damn complicated and they get really sticky, yet finding that special someone is on the top of everybody's priority list whether they'll admit it or not. I can honestly say that I was getting comfortable with my single life, but that doesn't mean that I didn't think about relationships. The pressure is all around us. You can be completely content one day, but the next day you're fighting off thoughts that make you loathe the single life due to some minor mishap that throws your equilibrium out of whack. I had a friend (we'll call him Bob to avoid embarrassing him) say to me not too long ago that the 3 things he missed about relationships were 1) kissing, 2) cooking dinner for someone special, and 3) waking up next to someone. Who says stuff like that? How can someone make such an amazing, selfless, and romantic comment and still be single? Guys like Bob don't exist everywhere, and it baffles me that no matter how amazing a person is, you still have to wait for fate to step in and provide you with the opportunity. I hope and pray that someone just as amazing as Bob enters his life really soon, but God doesn't make people with that caliber of character, so I hope Bob will be patient because I know that he deserves to be happy, so he will. So why has my ship maybe come in? I wish I knew that answer. I've been justifying my singleness to myself for some time, and now, the idea of having to sacrifice my boy bashing and carefree lifestyle to let someone else into my heart has me all jumbled up. Sometimes, I just wish that I could tell him to go away to protect myself, but I've got to stop doing that. I have to face the music if I'm ever going to find myself in the arms of somebody else. It's a mixture of emotions. I'm excited, anxious, scared out of my mind, but ready. And I think that's the key. I can't hide behind mommy's leg anymore to keep someone from hurting me. So even though nothing serious has come out of this thus far, I'm prepared for whatever happens. I just hope that it's a good thing, but we'll see.

Ok, no more blabbing.....I'm not even sure if what I just typed made sense, but what the hell? At least some of you can tell me what an idiot I am.....haha. It's cool, I promise. Until next time........

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! Hope that everyone is having a good day in spite of the crappy weather. My mom called me today and said that she wanted to wish me a Happy Easter, but really, she just wanted to inform me that bad weather was coming our way and that we might get hail the size of baseballs, but at least there will be lightning! I know that sounds weird, but if I knew I wouldn't die doing it, I would so sit out in the middle of an open field and watch a storm, even if it meant getting soaked. Lightning is just so fun to watch. My physics teacher tried to explain to us how lightning worked, but I stopped paying attention because I didn't want to think about physics or my gay professor everytime I saw lightning. That would totally ruin the experience for me. I'd rather maintain my child-like naivety and be able to "ooh" and "aah" at lightning, and besides, if I ever tried to share my physics knowledge of lightning with someone, they probably wouldn't care, so why should I? Yep, my give a damn's still busted......

So, I went to church this morning with my wonderful roommate, and in case you were wondering, Prince Avenue Baptist Church IS still standing after I showed up. I seriously think that I'm ADD because I didn't really pay attention to much of the service. You'd think that on my annual appearance at church that I could force myself to listen to the preacher for a mere hour. Oh well. The part I did listen to was good though. The preacher said something that really stuck out in my mind. He said, "when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart." Talk about thought provoking! I've been at such a loss about the events that have taken place in my life for like the past year, and I've been questioning God throughout all of it. I didn't like how the things in my life were shaping, so I tried to change them, and when I realized that God was way more stubborn than me, I gave up fighting Him. I accepted what He made inevitable and just went with the flow trying to be as optimistic as possible. It's been hard, and I lost control of things, but I wasn't bitter, I was numb. I've been living numb since I gave up last summer, preoccupying my time with things that wouldn't allow me to focus on my emotions. The only emotion I retained was anger. I was angry when I was alone, when I felt unloved, and when I was bored. But today at church, I had a huge revelation.....when I couldn't understand why God was challenging me and burdening me with so many obstacles that I didn't want to face, I could've understood His heart and the fact that he still loved me. As a result, I wasn't alone and I wasn't unloved. Let's face it - sometimes God doesn't believe in moderation which is a shame because I'm sure that if He did, there wouldn't be as many alcoholics in the world, but at the same time, He's making us stronger, preparing us for some future event where we're going to need that strength. He's just giving it to us in advance. It's almost like He's our personal trainer, progressively overloading our emotions so that when demand is placed on our heart and soul, homeostasis isn't thrown out of whack to the point that puts us in emotional chaos. It really all makes sense now, and I'm glad that I got the rest of my story straight cause I am truly ready to be happy again. Hopefully, it'll come with time, but I'm just glad I got all the anger out of my heart. It feels refreshing! Heck, maybe I should go to church more often (don't get your hopes up.....Sunday is my sleep in day!)

Well, stay dry everyone......and I hope that E. Bunny brought you fun stuff in your Easter baskets. And pray that the hail doesn't come because I already have one crack in my windshield, so it would be pretty upsetting if my windshield caved in. Love you guys!

"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You're going to find that you're as beautiful as you feel....."

My Give A Damn's Busted

Ok, so Kit started yet another trend, and I have to say, I've read his entries and have vicariously come to feel the stress relief of his ranting and raving. So why not create yet another distraction in my life by starting my own? I don't even know if anyone cares enough to read this, nor do I care. If nothing else, it'll give you profile stalkers more material to sift through. I guess I should steal Kit's disclaimer as well and let it be known that for me, the blog is nonetheless an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams...etc. We all have to vent about the good and bad, so let's just face it, I might say some things you don't agree with, but my thoughts are simply my own and as far as I'm concerned, your ideas are welcome but your opinions are not. I don't mean to offend anyone, and if I do, then talk to me about it and I'll buy you ice cream later, k?

Alright, so I'll admit it, I signed up for Live Journal which would have been fun had I really had anything to vent about at the time, but I never found time to get it started (the story of my life). But "the blog" is so fun! Being the huge dork I am (as well as the hugest procrastinator....yes, I'll do anything to avoid studying physics), I looked up "blog" on dictionary.com (told you I was a dork) and found out that "blog" is a shortened form of "web log" which in the end is the most boring definition ever, but it's still fun to say things like, "leave me alone, I'm bloggin'" or "your blog is bullshit" or........yeah I could go on forever. It's just a fun word (yeah, I'm easily amused.....doesn't take much, huh?) so I'm excited about what my new "bloggin'" experience holds for me.

Ok, so I'm a huge dork for putting those thoughts out for public viewing, but I guess I'm too delirious and overwhelmed to care. Maybe it'll give us something to talk about next time we talk..................so what's new with me? Not a damn thing really. Same shit, different day. You know how it goes. I could honestly go on for a good while about everything that's fucked up in my life at present, but I'm in the best mood that I've been in all day, so I'm choosing not to ruin that. But seriously, this bloggin' thing is going to definitely come in handy as I've just cut off communication from the one person who actually liked to hear me vent. It's rather complicated, and while I haven't really gotten the truth in it's entirety regarding the situation, I really have lost a good friend. Maybe it was just one sided, but all I can say is that he was probably the one person I told EVERYTHING to, yet maybe I failed to let him know that. I guess it wasn't enough, but this leads me to an even deeper thought: why does change have to happen? I suppose we would all get bored if there wasn’t some drama in our lives, but why the overload? I mean, seriously, are we so bored that we have to go through this emotional roller coaster time and time again in order to maintain the “excitement” in our lives? I just don't understand how feelings can change so suddenly with a magnitude that completely jumbles up a person's life with such permanence that leaves them alone, confused, hurt, and empty? It's a downward spiral.......emotions getting tossed up and passed along, and all at once! It's insane! I guess the saying, "when it rains, it pours" holds multiple truths........it's a phenomenon that will probably never hold a valid explanation, but hey, do I really have anything better to do than ponder the pettiness of life? Probably so, but at this point, I'm over school and anything related to it, so my thoughts are all that remain. What can I say? My give a damn's busted...........

Ok, so, after thinking about it, this blog thing might exacerbate the drama already present in my life, but I feel better now that I've put some random thoughts out there, so there ya have it. Take it or leave it. I should probably go and study physics now, but instead, I'm going to curl up with my book and pretend that I'm still on spring break....

stay tuned..... love you guys!

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
--Sarah McLachlan