Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! Hope that everyone is having a good day in spite of the crappy weather. My mom called me today and said that she wanted to wish me a Happy Easter, but really, she just wanted to inform me that bad weather was coming our way and that we might get hail the size of baseballs, but at least there will be lightning! I know that sounds weird, but if I knew I wouldn't die doing it, I would so sit out in the middle of an open field and watch a storm, even if it meant getting soaked. Lightning is just so fun to watch. My physics teacher tried to explain to us how lightning worked, but I stopped paying attention because I didn't want to think about physics or my gay professor everytime I saw lightning. That would totally ruin the experience for me. I'd rather maintain my child-like naivety and be able to "ooh" and "aah" at lightning, and besides, if I ever tried to share my physics knowledge of lightning with someone, they probably wouldn't care, so why should I? Yep, my give a damn's still busted......

So, I went to church this morning with my wonderful roommate, and in case you were wondering, Prince Avenue Baptist Church IS still standing after I showed up. I seriously think that I'm ADD because I didn't really pay attention to much of the service. You'd think that on my annual appearance at church that I could force myself to listen to the preacher for a mere hour. Oh well. The part I did listen to was good though. The preacher said something that really stuck out in my mind. He said, "when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart." Talk about thought provoking! I've been at such a loss about the events that have taken place in my life for like the past year, and I've been questioning God throughout all of it. I didn't like how the things in my life were shaping, so I tried to change them, and when I realized that God was way more stubborn than me, I gave up fighting Him. I accepted what He made inevitable and just went with the flow trying to be as optimistic as possible. It's been hard, and I lost control of things, but I wasn't bitter, I was numb. I've been living numb since I gave up last summer, preoccupying my time with things that wouldn't allow me to focus on my emotions. The only emotion I retained was anger. I was angry when I was alone, when I felt unloved, and when I was bored. But today at church, I had a huge revelation.....when I couldn't understand why God was challenging me and burdening me with so many obstacles that I didn't want to face, I could've understood His heart and the fact that he still loved me. As a result, I wasn't alone and I wasn't unloved. Let's face it - sometimes God doesn't believe in moderation which is a shame because I'm sure that if He did, there wouldn't be as many alcoholics in the world, but at the same time, He's making us stronger, preparing us for some future event where we're going to need that strength. He's just giving it to us in advance. It's almost like He's our personal trainer, progressively overloading our emotions so that when demand is placed on our heart and soul, homeostasis isn't thrown out of whack to the point that puts us in emotional chaos. It really all makes sense now, and I'm glad that I got the rest of my story straight cause I am truly ready to be happy again. Hopefully, it'll come with time, but I'm just glad I got all the anger out of my heart. It feels refreshing! Heck, maybe I should go to church more often (don't get your hopes up.....Sunday is my sleep in day!)

Well, stay dry everyone......and I hope that E. Bunny brought you fun stuff in your Easter baskets. And pray that the hail doesn't come because I already have one crack in my windshield, so it would be pretty upsetting if my windshield caved in. Love you guys!

"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You're going to find that you're as beautiful as you feel....."