"I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me..."

....and I'm not even in the real world yet!!!

Grad school - it's almost like middle school all over again. If you'll recall, middle school was this weird transition between being a kid and being a teenager. It was a constant struggle to try to figure out what was going to be expected of you in the next stage of your life, but at the same time, you retain some of the tendencies that you had as a kid until you finally figured it out. And it's grueling! I have to say that I have the utmost respect for middle school teachers who have to deal with those rotten adolescences! I mean, what an awkward stage in life!

Grad school is analogous to that atrocious time, except we're in this weird transition from being irresponsible college kids to being professionals! We're basically shoved out in the real world, but we haven't received all the proper training that is required for us to officially start our careers. So we go out, we have a good time, we drink ourselves stupid on weeknights, weekends, whenever, we forget to do our homework, and we have a TV schedule lined up to watch with the roommates while we pay for everything with financial aid money and from the occasional moola our parents are still graciously sending us, even though our ages range from 22 - 30! How awkward! Meanwhile, some of our friends have moved on and gotten real jobs, are being paid salary, and are getting married while we simply haven't grown out of our callowness to be ready to do these things because we're still in school! Unfortunately, we're still being required to act as though we really are out in the real world, and MAN is the punishment harsh.....very harsh my friends.....

I wish that I could explain in further detail the events that I'm trying ambiguously to chronicle here, but unfortunately, public domain makes it impossible me to do so without getting kicked out of my program. But to make a long story short, recent events at school having to deal with blogs, facebook, myspace, and other public domain have caused faculty members to turn against the students. They've started creating a lot of value judgements that are targetting a few vendettas and threatening to kick them out of the program. These issues are not something that I've previously dealt with in my years behind academias protective walls, and it's honestly not something I thought would EVER ben an issue. I was, however, aware of the trouble people had been getting into by utilizing public domain for personal reasons. At UGA, I read stories in the Red and Black about employers using facebook and myspace profiles to determine whether prospective employees were eligible for certain positions. I read articles on the internet about people losing their jobs when their bosses found their blogs which expressed grief about their work. Little did I know that grad school would hold the same penalties for the same behaviors. I thought I was still a kid? Yes, I know how to act professional, but when you're still assigning me homework, giving me tests, and telling me to read a bazillion pages in my text book, it's hard to figure out in which arenas they expect us to display professional behavior. What's private? Is anything about my personal life really personal anymore? Does my opinion matter? And in which venues are my jokes going to be taken the wrong way?

My brother told me not too long ago that what defines a person is not the number of mistakes they make, but how they fix them. As students, we're still going to make mistakes and retain the same behaviors we exuded in undergrad because it's the same stuff, only a little more challenging with higher expectations. Yeah, we might come to class hungover a few times, and we might make facebook groups that joke about some of the rules and policies of the institution we attend, but when jokes are taken the wrong way or when we get completely called out for christening the porcelain gods in the PT building during our first break of the day, we try to understand the implications of our unprofessional behavior, we apologize for actions, and we hope to move forward with no intentions of repeating our mistakes. Unfortunately, as I've learned very quickly from my short tour of grad school so far, there is no room for error anymore! The attrition rate is much lower than what I was lead to believe and I've found myself in some sort of darkness I'm not so sure I'm going get out of in 2 and a half years, and it scares the shit out of me! And the only question I have is: how am I supposed to learn how to live in the "real word" when I'm not even on its playing field yet?? I'm simply a benchwarmer that's learning from the mistakes of the starters while trying to figure this life out, and they are already threatening to kick me off the team.....

For the record, this blog isn't autobiographical. I simply share the frustrations of my peers as I see the harsh consequences of their mistakes. And it looks like we're all gonna be walking on eggshells for the next couple of years.....

Ok, so I'm pretty proud that I came up with something worthy of talking about other than my life! Go me! I love y'all! Thanks for stopping by!

"Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig,
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me"
~Matchbox 20

Book Meme

So, a friend of mine posted this book meme, and, being the bad blogger that I've been lately, I figured that this was something I could do quickly to give all you people something to read. I was actually really impressed with myself that I was able to fill it out since I haven't really read for pleasure since I was in high school. If only I had more time.......

1. One book that changed your life: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge - I've said it once and I'll say it again: every girl out there needs to read this book! Never in my life has my heart been explained to me so effectivey, and I was able to take a retrospective journey and so lucidly could I see the answers as to why I made some of the decisions that I did. It was truly invigorating....

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Miller was so entertaining throughout the entire book that I didn't really stop to absorb the wisdom through the sarcasm! There are great seeds of wisdom in this book...

3. One book you’d want on a desert island: The Bible (you knew it was going to fit in somewhere!) I'd want to reread the versus over and over that reminded me that God is my Rock and that He is faithful and would never foresake me! I'd also want to have it with me because it's a really long book, so if I was stranded for a prolonged period of time, I wouldn't get bored!

4. One book that made you laugh: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. This book allowed me to laugh at myself for how naive I was sometimes, and laugh at other girls for being stupider than I was! I loved every minute of it!

5. One book that made you cry: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I loved all 400+ pages of it! I couldn't put it down!

6. One book that you wish had been written: I wish that they would write a book explaining what goes on in the minds of a majority of 20-24 year old college boys. I mean, seriously, had I known that I'd find myself someone so easily the instant I got out of Athens, I wouldn't have even wasted my time!

7. One book that you wish had never been written: All of my text books so I would never have to read them! ;)

8. One book you’re currently reading: I'm about to start reading Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge. If you read my last blog, you know that I'm in need of a little intervention to help me overcome issues with Enon's ex's and what not (Mischa recommended it...thanks!) Hopefully this will help reshape my thinking so that I can somehow find fulfillment and validation in spite of it all...

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. It's been sitting on my night stand for about 2 months now! I need to learn how to pray more effectively and to pray more often, so hopefully this book will provide me with some encouragement....

10. Now tag five people:
Just refer to my friends list..........

Thanks y'all! I love you!

Battle of the Exes

I was once talking with a former co-worker about relationships, and I inquired as to why he never had a girlfriend before. I mean, this guy was one of the sweetest most genuine guys I've ever known. He's very attractive, and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't interested in him at the time. It seemed like he could've hand-picked any girl out of a crowd and been with her for the rest of his life. Why stay single? His answer was profound and simple: he said that he wanted to stay pure and wait on the girl God was getting ready for him so that he would be able to say that she was the only girl in the world for him. It's been a couple years since we've had this conversation, but I can now see that this young man was wise beyond his years. I just wish I had listened to him and learned from his insight....

The only problem with waiting all your life for the one person you're supposed to be with is that when you find them, chances are pretty slim that they've also chosen to give up the experiences of dating just to stay pure for you too. But to have this would be ideal. The "Battle of the Exes" as I'm choosing to call it is simply a battle that cannot be won. No matter what, the past of your significant other will continue to haunt you and the securities within yourself that you try so hard to retain will be lost with a simple memory of their past. All you can do is build yourself back up so that it can be lost again when a new relic of their past is brought to the forefront. It's a vicious cycle, and I've recently discovered that arguing about this sort of thing is becoming pointless.

So, how can you truly wipe your slate clean in order to prepare yourself solely for that one person? We've all got pictures tucked away, saved emails and Hallmark cards, and there are even some of us that have naughty pictures and paraphernalia that can make your jaw hit the ground upon their discovery. But, chances are, you forgot they were there and never in a million years thought that your new girlfriend/boyfriend would be the one to find them for you. When a scavenger hunt for old pictures places a picture of you kissing an old girlfriend in your new girlfriend's hands, or when you're on your significant other's computer doing homework and are trying to locate a lost file but run across one that was definitely not meant for your eyes, it's hard not to get bothered by these things. You want to pretend that you never saw it or never read it, but it's hard to let that kind of stuff go because it makes you wonder if they've even let it go. Why would they have it? If that old relationship was as insignificant as they made it seem, then why are they still holding on to the memorabilia? What gives?

Chances are, if you read my blog, then you know me well enough to know that most of these generic questions are somewhat autobiographical. Through the course of my relationship with Enon, I've poked and prodded through his past trying to get him to tell me every anecdote that contributed to who he has become today because I truly understand how influential past experiences have on the mold of a person. This includes stories about his exes and details about past relationships. He never volunteered this information and has even shown great concern as to how him revealing this information effects me. I want him to be honest, and I want to know the truth. What good is a relationship if I know nothing about his past? He on the other hand, doesn't want to know anything about my past dating experiences. He likes who I am today and accepts and loves me for who I've become, but he knows that my past has been painful, and he doesn't want to bring up anything that's going to upset me OR him. His approach is very opposite from mine, but both ends of the battlefield are still agitated. He doesn't understand which people have played integral roles in my past and why they have become so special to me, and I see remnants of his past all over the place and understand why certain memories will always resonate in his heart. He gets jealous because he doesn't understand, and I get jealous because I do understand. And every time we patch things up, it seems like something else comes up and I find myself mobilizing my troops once again. Lately, I've found myself surrendering, but it's hard to keep surrendering without my heart taking a beating. So how can I just not let this get to me?

We went to the Georgia game yesterday, and what I thought was going to be one of the best days we'd had together turned into a cry fest and was by far the worst game I've ever gone to. I sat through the better part of the first half trying to fight back tears over the harsh words and misunderstanding that came between me and E. What made it worse was that I was sitting with Enon's parents who were trying to figure out why I was so upset and not having a good time. His Dad finally asked me about it during one of the timeouts. I told him that Enon was having a jealousy issue, and he told me, "Stacy, I know that Enon can be difficult to put up with at times, but you should know that with every girl that he's ever brought home to us, he never cared about them as much as he cares about you. He'd let all his other girlfriends wander around this stadium without even questioning where they were going and when they were coming back. He cares more about you, so just remember that next time he pitches a fit."

I have to say, hearing this from Enon's Dad really provided me with another perspective of the situation that was much easier to appreciate. I still hate that the past continues to haunt us, but knowing that him caring so much is producing the jealousy is going to become my new mantra so that I can fight off the negative feelings that seem to continue to beat me down. I can't let the past continue to hinder the present, and I refuse to sit at another Georgia game in tears because of a boy who doesn't understand me, so I will do what I can to fight it. But still, I wish that this wasn't an issue I had to deal with at all, and I sometimes wonder how much easier it would be if I had just waited.....

That's all kids. Love y'all and Go Dawgs! :)