Life's a roller coaster and I'm not strapped in.....

What Would Dad Do?

2009-02-20T00:02:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know this sounds sac-religious, but don’t worry - I’m not about to start marketing bracelets that have “WWDD?” on them or anything. It’s just a question that my brother and sister-in-law have been encouraging me to ask myself recently, and it’s one that serves as a firm reminder of all the things that my father taught me during the 21 amazing years that we were on this earth together. My father was a good person, and for him, there wasn’t such a fine line between right and wrong. Sure, he made plenty of mistakes during his lifetime, but at the same time, he bestowed in my siblings and I great lessons and values that would prove to guide our decisions when we so often approached certain crossroads. So for me, considering what he would do in certain situations serves as a more tangible guide when faced with tough questions upon which I am to react. Allow me to further explain….

When I was growing up during those painful pubescent years that were drenched with poignant female hormones, my mother used to always tell me that I was always too emotional about everything. My reply to this was usually firm denial delivered via high pitched screams through big fat tears. A decade later, I’m realizing that she was probably right.

Now, I’m not one to indulge in astrology other than to read it for fun in magazines from time to time, but I do know that pisces are identified as those who “react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them.” This description describes me to a tee! This is not to say that I’m some kind of drama queen because I certainly try to avoid drama at all costs. It’s just that sometimes, my reaction to certain situations is the result of extreme emotions that don’t really augment any sort of constructive conflict resolution or, at times, creates drama in and of itself. Therefore, I tend to create more grief for myself which ultimately results in a never-ending cascade of emotions that usually don’t get resolved without some sort of sought out intervention. It’s a horrible cycle that can only be fixed by one thing: objectivity.

It is during these times of self-discovery as I continue to grow and mature that I really wish I had my Daddy around to help me sort through my emotions and figure out how to channel them into positive energy; however, the continuous advice I’ve received from Dean and Mischa have allowed me really embrace the person my father was and remember his words and lessons, even in his near four-year absence. So, in those moments when I’m about to dive off the deep end, I’m just going to take a second between the pre-dive bounce and the final plunge to think to myself “What would Dad do?” and by stimulating my brain with this question, I hope to be able to find objectivity in the face of the greatest adversities that life brings. What a beautiful revelation...

EUREEKA!

Who Needs a Ring When You Can Have a Puppy??

2009-01-29T23:33:00.002-05:00

So, on Sunday, January 25th, I became a Mom. My entry into motherhood was not entailed with my legs being in stirrups for hours, pushing painfully while drenched in sweat and screaming at the top of my lungs. I left work on Sunday night and headed to Anderson to spend my usual week with Enon. Retrospectively, Enon was kind of sucking up all day. When I'd gotten up to go to work Sunday morning, he'd run to McDonald's to get me coffee and breakfast. When I called him on my lunch break, he admitted that he was in the middle of doing all my laundry, and he anxiously wondered if I was going to get off at a decent hour if it would be another long workday. Now, don't get me wrong...Enon has his moments of glory, but I guess I should've suspected something given that he had been on his best behavior all day, making sure I noticed all the sweet things he had done for me. When I got to Anderson, Enon said he had an early Valentine's Day present for me which was a book about Labrador Retrievers. He said he'd gotten it so I'd be better prepared for when I finally did get a puppy to which I wailed, "ugh, this is only going to make me want a puppy even more!" I guess I should've caught his grin then, but still, I suspected nothing. He told me to take my stuff into his room so that we could get ready for dinner. As I walked into his room, sitting on the bed in a pink basket was Daisy. After staring at her for a moment and wondering if she was real or if this was just a horrible practical joke, she opened her eyes and looked up at me and I immediately felt tears rush to my eyes. I was in love!

In the past 4 days, my life has changed dramatically. Sunday night, I got up 4 times to help Daisy potty train. At 3am, she decided she was in the mood to play. When I couldn't get her to go back into her crate to go to sleep, I let her rest beside the bed because I was so exhausted that I couldn't hold up my heavy eyelids a second longer. When we got up at 6:30 with Enon, I figured that this is what a new mother must feel like when she first brings her baby home. The rest of the morning was spent alternating between naps and playtime. In the afternoon, we went to the vet where she howled the whole time since she was in an unfamiliar place. I cradled her in my arms and rocked her until she was soothed to quiet wimpering. We made it through the check-up where she spit up one of her medications and was not taking to the treats they kept offering. She wailed the entire car ride to PetSmart to pick up additional supplies, and by the time we were ready to go home, she fell asleep with her head in the cup holder of my console. And that was just Monday.

The rest of the week was spent in a similar fashion. Tuesday, I cried when I had to leave her to go to the grocery store, and she wailed the entire time she was left in her crate. Wednesday, we worked more fiercly on crate training to which she voluntarily entered her crate multiple times. We also worked on walking with the leash, and sitting on command. By Thursday, we were all worn out that we spent the morning laying in bed watching TV until Enon came home at lunch feeling nauseous. Then the three of us cuddled up to take a refreshing nap, followed by more TV time and eventually a bath. It was the busiest week I've had in a long time, and even though she's just a dog, I felt a love that was more intense than anything I'd ever had that wasn't romantic. I hardly found time to put on make-up this week because my time was devoted to something other than myself which was refreshing so much fun! Daisy is absolutely perfect, and I'm so incredibly grateful that Enon found her and loves me enough to give her to me as the most perfect Valentine's Day present ever! Who needs a ring?? Being Daisy's mama is enough for now, and I know that a ring will come soon enough. Besides, right now it would simply just be another thing for the puppy to chew on....

Until next time...

Engagement Season

2009-01-22T23:20:00.002-05:00

So, yes, engagement season is on us in full force. I find that the only reason I even log onto facebook anymore is so I can get the latest update on whose gotten engaged which is usually followed by subsequent stalking to see how their wedding turned out. What is wrong with me??

Today, my younger brother proposed to his girlfriend of a year. I have always said that William would get engaged before me, especially given my horrible dating record during my college days, so as this day approached, I'm at least grateful to report that I'm a lot closer than I initially perceived myself to be. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm EXTREMELY ecstatic for my brother and Jessica, and even more excited that I'm obtaining two nieces who happen to be two of the cutest little girls I know (Jessica's twins from a previous marriage), but I couldn't help but to feel a bit of a sting when I got the news today. There's no doubt that I'm a helluva lot more excited than I am jealous, but you can bet that this is wearing my patience a wee bit thinner than I think Mr. Hopkins would like for it to be. Thank God he's a good sport, right?

I don't know what it is. There's no rush into "forever", right? I know I'm not old and it's not like my biological clock is running out on me anytime soon, but it seems that when you reach a certain age, no one takes your relationship seriously unless you have a ring on your finger, especially given as long as Enon and I have been together. On June 26th, we will be celebrating our 3-year anniversary. I suppose I shouldn't care what others think, but I guess I'm just ready to take our commitment to the next level. Of course, there are other factors that have to fall into place, especially financial factors, and I'm willing to wait for those. I guess I just envy others who already have their ducks in a row because I'm extremely ready to take the next step. Until then, I guess I'm strong enough to endure the rest of engagement season. Afterall, I never know when it'll be my turn...

Congratulations William and Jessica! May the two of you have a very happy and prosperous marriage together!

'Night kids!

Happy 2009!!!

2009-01-01T16:53:00.003-05:00

So, I'm not quite sure how you gauge whether or not a year has been "good" or "bad", and I certainly don't know how ringing in a new year indicates that dramatic changes are going to occur, but I sure am ready for 2009! This is not to say that 2008 was a "bad" year, it was just a year that was marred by adversity. I had a pretty rough spring semester characterized by my stress levels reaching their apex and lots of tears. Then there was the disappointments of the election and Georgia football season (who beat Michigan State today by the way, marking a great way to ring in the new year!) thus making a stressful fall. Summer can easily be rectified by a day on the lake or a day at the beach sipping on adult beverages, so no complaints there. All in all, it just seems like a lot of the year was spent in somewhat of a "funk" which makes it easy to say goodbye to 2008.

In spite of adversity, however, there were a lot of good things that happened in 2008. For starters, I got to spend an amazing day on April 4th with my family where we spread my Dad's ashes over Cedar Falls on Petit Jean Mountain. This day could not have been more perfect, and the closure that resulted from honoring my Dad's last wish really left a refreshing feeling in my soul. It was a day that I knew my Daddy was proud of us, and it truly was a perfect send-off in which we were able to recall memories and laugh about them instead of soaking them with tears. Being with my family was amazing, and somehow, I was able to feel my Dad's spirit with us too.

I also have to be thankful that in spite of extreme stress levels I experienced, Enon and I successfully met mastery on all of our coursework for PT school which is an absolutely amazing feeling! There were definitely times where I wasn't sure we would survive, but we did! 2008 was also a year in which Enon and I celebrated our 2-year anniversary, and while we continue to have our bumps in the road, I feel like we are as happy as ever and I'm still extremely grateful that he is a part of my daily life, and for that I will continuously be grateful.

In spite of the good things 2008 brought, it is the rewards of 2009 which I am looking forward to reaping. Barring any complications during our last clinical experience, Enon and I will graduate on May 8, 2009 with our doctor of physical therapy degrees! This marks the end of school, a huge milestone in our educational endeavors, and the opportunity to FINALLY enter the workforce and become financially independent! How exciting! I also hope that by the conclusion of 2009 I will be donning a shiny rock on my left hand as I really am more confident than ever that Enon is the one that God sent to be my soulmate. Now, am I getting a little impatient?? Well, I won't lie...but, it's an extremely exciting part of our relationship, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes because there's no reason to rush into forever because that's exactly where Enon and I are headed. Lastly, I hope for the 2009 football season to be a promising one for Bulldogs. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, but don't judge me! Georgia Football is so very much a part of what makes me tick, and if the worst thing I have to worry about it whether or not my Dawgs win a football game, well then life isn't that bad, now is it?? :)

Happy New Year! May everyone have a safe and rockin' 2009!

The Ways of God...

2008-09-21T14:09:00.005-05:00

So, I treated this patient the other day. He was a middle aged man with a thick white beard, thinned salt and pepper hair, a solid beer gut, and a thick stature which ultimately reminded me of Daddy. The similarities quickly ended there as I read through his chart which revealed a lifetime of social misbehaviors including past cocaine use and smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes per day for the last 30 years. The only other similarity he shared with my Daddy was in his diagnosis: myocardial infarction.

As I read these words in his chart, my own heart started screaming. I'm not sure if my heart was screaming at God, screaming for my Daddy, or just screaming for the sake of screaming. I just couldn't believe that I had been given orders to treat this man who reminded me very much of my Daddy, yet with his history of partying and poor decisions, he actually survived his heart attack! That God, he sure can be cruel sometimes. Or so I thought...

Prior to treating this patient, I could feel the bitterness welling up in my whole body. One of the main reasons I opted to be a PT was because of the endless opportunities I was going to have to help people, yet there wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to help this patient. I figured that if he was lucky enough to survive his heart attack, then he could just figure the rest out for himself. Now, it's true that my Daddy wasn't the healthiest individual in the whole wide world, but he'd made a conscious effort to monitor his health, try to lose weight, and abstain from smoking and heavy drinking. This dude had done none of that but he was sitting in front of me waiting for me to help him. It was then that I had to dig down deep and think about what Daddy would've done, and without a doubt in my mind, I knew that my Daddy would've prayed.

So, I prayed. I prayed that God would help nurture this man back to health, and that he would treat this health scare as a wake up call to change...to change his social habits, to change his spiritual habits, and to gain appreciation for this life that he was given a second chance at living because there are so many people who aren't given that luxury...

As I proceeded with my treatment of this particular patient, I realized that God meant for this whole situation to happen. Medically, you can't explain why this guy survived while my father did not. But, you can't always compare things on paper. After his death, my stepmom once described my father as the only adult person that she knew that has died and is actually in heaven without a shadow of doubt. Perhaps it was for this reason that he wasn't given a second chance because there are so many people in this world who need to fix their lives in order ensure that they will find themselves in heaven one day. Either way, this whole situation served as the perfect illustration of God's individual plan for each one of us. And while we don't always like it and while it's sometimes not fair, it always seems to work itself out in the end...

I know I said I was done blogging about Daddy, but in the oddest way, working with this patient made my heart smile because I realized that I, too, know that Daddy is in heaven without a shadow of a doubt, and it truly is a much better place to be...

Until next time...love y'all!

My Indifference to the Media

2008-09-16T21:35:00.003-05:00

Now here's something I can talk passionately about...my indifference for the media.

Now, I say indifference instead of hatred for one reason: the opposite of love is not hate because if I hated the media, then it's still an emotion that insinuates that I care when, really, I don't. Let me explain...

There are two things in my life that I really care about right now: politics and Georgia football. Forgive me for being so simple, but the rest of it is really all junk. That's not to say I don't indulge in trashy celebrity magazines every now and then, but we're all entitled to our guilty pleasures, right? In the grand scheme of things, Brangelina having their 8,000th child or Lindsey Lohan being gay or straight has no effect on how I tick like the other two topics.

Now, it's true that politics are of particular interest to me given that it's an election year, but as a future healthcare provider, I've come to realize that it's important for me to be an active lobbyist in advocating for and against certain legislature that will help enhance my profession as a physical therapist. As McCain said it, there's no reason that a bureaucrat should stand between you and your doctor. The idea of socialized medicine will so greatly effect the career I have yet to begin that I have to be passionate about ensuring that Obama and his ignorant values and ideas don't make it to the White House. Plus, there are his diplomatic skills, his overtaxed plans, and just general B.S. that make my stomach churn anytime I hear his voice. Needless to say, following this election race has been of particular interest to me.

Georgia football should be a known topic of interest for me if you know me at all, and my interest has been amplified by the hype that this season has brought. I love Georgia Football with my soul and there is a place in my heart right next to Jesus, my family/friends, and Enon, for my beloved Dawgs. It's true that I've been heartbroken and let down before and I'm well aware that there is a possibility that I'll be let down by the time we've maneuvered through our tough schedule, but there is just something about a cold beer, a crisp breath of the Athens, GA fall air, and the view of Sanford Stadium on a Saturday afternoon that rejuvenates me and gives me goosebumps. My parents and family members think it's an annoying obsession which is fine because I wouldn't expect them to understand. But Dawg fans understand, and I know I have 92,000 friends that share this moment of glory with me 7 Saturdays a year during football season.

Ok, now that I've explained what makes me tick, I will now explain my indifference to the media. Media outlets, no matter how ethical they try to be in attempting unbiased reporting are always going to lean to one side or the other. Now, I like to think of myself as being a well-educated individual with strong values and beliefs, but I think that even I have fallen victim of the media from time to time. The thing is, there are too many people in our country who rely on the media to help them make decisions due to an inability to think independently. I believe the great line in the Casting Crown's song is "stop asking Oprah what to do" which is such a true sentiment because too many people look to the dang TV to figure out how to solve their problems and go through their daily lives. Is this the sad existence that so many of us have come to?? To this, I say turn off the TV, shut down the computer, and plug your iPod in when you're driving down the road because there is really no reason for us to be turning to any media outlet to help shape our thoughts and ideals. I think it's absolutely ludicrous to do so, and until we start thinking for ourselves, we're never going to make it in this unforgiving world.

I no longer turn my TV to News channels because I know that John McCain and Sarah Palin's values reflect my own, and there's no reason that I should be angered by listening to one more Obama speech seeing that I will be unmoved by any word that comes out of his mouth. I'm almost amused at how intensely the media and liberal pieces of crap loathe Sarah Palin seeing that they seem to forget that she is running for VICE president and is NOT Obama's primary opponent. I personally think that the intensity behind the hatred comes from the denial in that they are angry that McCain so cleverly chose her when Obama's running mate is nothing but a creepy, old, damn Yankee who is hardly worth showing off. Unfortunately, there are many people who are still on the fence about who they are going to vote for come November 4th, and these biased opinions, which seem to be moreso in Obama's favor, will really impact all the ignorant people in America who can't think for themselves. If you need help making a decision, do research!!! Don't watch CNN or Fox News to help you figure if you're gonna go red vs. blue! It sickens me to the nth degree which is why I've resorted to reading for pleasure every night versus turning on the old tube.

And as for ESPN, well, it could disintegrate into nothingness and I would not have a care in the world. It's true that to gain the ratings, they have to discuss topics that will draw more fans, and those teams that draw the most fans are the ones with National Championship rings and Heisman Trophies. I get that. However, it's an understatement to say that there is a Bulldog Nation that is very pissed off at ESPN these days, but why bother wasting negative energy on one more biased media outlet?? I have the Bulldogs tattooed on my heart, and ESPN will never be able to sway me otherwise. Sure, their love for certain teams and lack thereof significantly sways voters who, again, can't think for themselves, but I say to hell with them all...let's shut up and play ball! Let's face it...it's THEIR broken system, so if we win week in and week out and they want to continue to drop us down in the polls, then so be it. Come December, when we're 13-0 and not playing in the title game, they'll hate us even more for further proving that the BCS = B.S. because we've already proven that we're not Hawaii and deserve so much more. We proved that last year! All I can do is cheer my Dawgs to victory and hope that we earn some love somewhere along the way, and if we don't, then the only time I'll be tuning into ESPN is when the game is being televised or when I want to know how far down the Gaytor Lovers and USC Fanatics have dropped us down in the polls.

Call me closed minded, call me a hypocrit, I really don't care. All I can do is be happy, and unfortunately, most media outlets do the opposite. To hell with them all. I can simply hope for a McCain/Palin victory in November along with a continued undefeated Georgia Bulldog Football team come December with an SEC Championship ring. It's all gonna work itself out!

Until next time...

A New Tune

2008-09-14T19:40:00.004-05:00

So, based, on my site meter, I have found that in spite of my inconsistent blogging, I still have people who view my page, and, fortunately, they aren't all viewing my page as a result of images or quotes showing up in google searches. For that, the main person I have to thank is Kit Kitchens because he has been oh-so-faithful in keeping me linked to his very busy blog. So, Kit, thanks for keeping the faith...

I've spend the better half of this evening perusing through old blogs that I had written, mostly back in my UGA days. It's so insane how things have changed between then and now. I've already commented in a prior blog about how it seems that a common theme in my posts revolved around either being single/hating boys, dwelling on family drama, or going through the loss of my daddy. Well, Enon, lack of family drama, and mending through time means that I can no longer carry on the aforementioned themes, so I'm to a point where it's time to start singing to a new tune.

My friend Cindy, a former medical student at MCG, once composed a blog (that I unfortunately cannot find in order to properly link) regarding how being a medical student puts you in a life where every aspect is consumed by the medical world. As a result of this, medical students are incapable of making conversation with "real" people because their lives are so consumed by all things med school that it takes away their ability to relate to others. While I am not pursuing a degree in medicine, I am still very much in the same ship and have been ever since being in PT school. When reading through my old blogs, I found myself admiring the passion I used to have, and the inspiration that I gained from my daily encounters. My days of being a PT student haven't really left the same kind of thoughts lingering in my heart as I've had to indulge in a world consumed by medical conditions, research, and rehabilitation protocols; therefore, the ideas for blogs have been few and far between. I've started writing dozens of blogs that I ultimately deleted because I realized I didn't have the same passion as I once had, and it's been frustrating. I need a major change in my life because my heart and soul are thirsting to be inspired. Perhaps that change will come with re-entry into the real world as I am on track to graduate in 8 short months. In the mean time, I'm going to try to start paying attention a little more so that somehow, I can fulfill this need I have to connect with people, because it has been far too long since I've been able to do so....

Hang on everybody, I'm going to make a comeback! I've missed being able to express my thoughts and expose my heart, and I'm hoping to make that change real soon...

Until next time...love y'all!

Dear Daddy...

2008-05-04T16:25:00.006-05:00

*written April 4, 2008*

So, today, we said a final goodbye as we spread your ashes by the waterfall on Petit Jean Mountain. The day was absolutely beautiful, and we found the perfect path to take down the mountain so that Terri with her pregnant belly wouldn't get hurt. She was stubborn and wouldn't really let anyone help her down the mountain, but she handled herself just fine. She's having another little girl, and her name is Jenna Faith. I'm sure she will be beautiful. You sure picked an awesome place for us to gather one last time and reflect on your life. Everyone was able to make it. Granny was upset that she couldn't come down the mountain with us, but she isn't as tough as she used to be. Aunt Pam stayed with her at the top to make sure she was ok. Enon was able to come with us too. I know you never met him before, but he did an excellent job taking pictures of us as we fulfilled your final wish. The moment was beautiful, and even though there were tears, we were all there for each other to help wipe them away. Of course, Dean and William made us all laugh so that the tears didn't last long. We just really miss you a lot and can't wait to see you again one day...

There has been a lot of healing since you left us, but I think that you would be proud of us. We've found time to be together in spite of all our busy schedules and lack of money. Even though our reunions serve as a huge reminder that something is missing, it helps to be with each other because I can see little pieces of you in everybody. William carries your common sense that I unfortunately don't always have. He really does a good job of putting things into perspective for me. Plus, he loves this country as much as you did, and he's done a great job serving in the Air Force. You'd be such a proud Daddy! Terri has your selfless heart and she never hesitates to lay hands on me with prayer. I truly think that she would do anything for anybody without even thinking of herself first. That's a quality I wish I had gotten from you. Plus, she and I have your feet, and sometimes, it makes me laugh when her feet are next to mine because I remember whose feet they really are. Enon calls them my Fred Flintstone feet. I think you'd really like him because he would make you laugh a lot. Granny said that he was a long-lost Gray. It meant a lot that she approved of him. Lastly, you should know that Dean has done an excellent job of filling in your shoes. If ever I need anything, I know that I can call him and he will help fix any problem that I have. Even with as far away as he is, he still always makes sure that I am ok. I guess that's what big brothers are supposed to do, but he does it better than any other big brother could do it because he knows that you'd be disappointed if he didn't assume your role of taking care of everybody. You'd be really proud of him Daddy. He's been so strong for me and really helped me through rough spots. He's the best big brother anyone could ask for.

I never knew how hard it was going to be to not be able to call you when I needed encouragement or advice, and I miss our summer vacations when we would tour around the country visiting everybody and site-seeing along the way. It's definitely gotten easier with time, but I still yearn for one of your rib-breaking bear hugs. No one has been able to give me one quite like it since you left, but nonetheless, we've learned to survive in this world which you are no longer apart of. I definitely didn't think we'd be able to do it, but I can tell that you've been watching out for me from heaven. We've been through so much, but we're Grays, and we're strong, and we always figure out a way to make it. I'm so proud of us, and I know you'd be proud of us too. Just continue to watch over us as we go throughout this life, and help us to always remember what's most important. We really love you Daddy, and there's no way that we will ever forget you. Thanks for giving us so many memories to help sustain us as we continue to heal. My heart will always smile with the thought of you, and even though it will probably be a while until we meet again, I will be strong just for you. Afterall, it's what you would have wanted....

Have fun fishing....I love you Daddy...

Always,
Your Little Girl

The Times They Are A-Changin'....

2008-02-22T23:59:00.003-05:00

I miss blogging. I've started at least 10 blogs and have just not had enough time to complete a single thought and click "publish post" before something distracts me! It makes me sad. I don't like being on Kit's list of "not-so-consistent bloggers". I've caught myself going back and re-reading through old blogs published pre-PT school and I've been amused by how over-analytical I was back then. I've also impressed myself with my insight, especially in my thoughts regarding my Daddy. So much I've forgotten as I've crammed my head with PT facts. Things are just really different now and they continue to change. I always think that once I'm done with PT school, I can resume my blogging consistency, but then again, having Enon means that I can't really complain about being single, and while I guess I could vent about typical relationship issues that we have, broadcasting some of the turmoil that is our relationship at times is just not appropriate. The other theme that I seemed to dwell on in my hard-core blogging days was my Daddy. I think I really exhausted my faithful readers by discussing my grief regarding his death! I know y'all didn't mind "listening," but I definitely put a lot out there. The good news is that we, meaning my siblings and I, are getting ready to spread his ashes. It is time to let go, and I most certainly still have my moments but they are fewer and further between. William, Dean, and I and hopefully other family members are going to make the trip to Cedar Falls to honor his will the first weekend in April. It's a bittersweet time, and I'm so grateful that my brothers are going to be there to hold my hand as we hike up that mountain. We've lived in this world for almost 3 years without my Daddy, and I think it's safe to say that we're going to be ok. But God, I still miss him so much...

Ok, so what else is new? Well let's see...

1. My grandmother, Aunt Vicki, and Uncle Dave have been living in Perry for 7 months now. Naturally, drama has been stirred up and I'm just thankful that I don't have be a first-hand witness to it. Additionally, some truths regarding my mother's relationship with my grandmother have surfaced, and I also realize that my Daddy's story about his divorce from my mother was right on target. Needless to say, it doesn't really change anything, but I'm glad to have the truth confirmed.

2. William is being reassigned to the Azores (small Mediterranean island off the coast of Spain and Portugal for those of you scoring at home). Tough life, huh?? While over there, he will re-enlist and get his re-enlistment bonus tax-free! Additionally, he has a new girlfriend who has kids. What??!! So, William is 21 these days, and the girl was legitimately married at the time of conception which doesn't make a huge difference, especially in these times, but it somehow makes me breath easier. This ultimately means that William is like a father figure to these girls. Whoa.... When did we become adults, and how do we make it stop??!!

3. Two semesters left! Ok, I'll even go as far to say that really it's only a semester and a half! Once I get past August, I'm on the downhill slide! Just pray that I continue to do well, and while some of you might be thinking, "whatever Stacy, you got this!" just know that I've definitely been faced with some challenges that included a late-night pep talk from Dean and a total of 8 crying sessions. I've been struggling from burn out, a poor attitude, and newfound troubles with test taking skills. I can do this, but it's getting tougher. So, as I said, the prayers are much needed and I'm eternally grateful for them!

4. I feel like I've grown closer to a lot of people lately, namely Staisha, my mother, and Enon. Staisha and I have been talking on the phone at least once a week since the new year and we're going to be living together in August when I do a rotation at the Medical Center in Macon. We've been relying on each in ways that I truly don't think we've done since we were in high school, and it's felt really good. And in the midst of the aforementioned family drama, my mother, I think, has a newfound appreciation for me. So, I've always been the black sheep in the Bycenski-Gray family, but comparatively speaking to my relatives, I'm much more normal than they are in my mother's eyes! We've shared some good laughs and we, too, talk to each other almost weekly. And, we've been saying "I love you" more. This is huge! My mother and I have always had an unspoken love, but I like this new step that we've taken. I hope that we continue to go in this direction. Lastly, Enon has unfortunately been the blunt of a lot of my PT school related stress which is so unfair to him, but through our turmoil, I think we've really found new appreciation in our relationship. We have some stuff that we need to work on, but I'd say that we've overcome many obstacles that ultimately led to the "we need to talk" conversation. It wasn't necessarily pretty, but I enjoyed finding the common ground where I really felt that we understood each other better. It's left a warm feeling in my heart and has re-established the smile on my face. It has also made it easier to handle all the stress which is healthier for the both of us!

5. I think that's all.

So, I could elaborate more but am just going to hurry up and post this before I get distracted! Love y'all!

Goodbye 2007....Hello 2008!!!

2007-12-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

WHAT IS THIS?? DID STACY REALLY JUST UPDATE HER BLOG??!!??!! Yeah, I know. I've been a HUGE slacker, and I'm very sad for this. I really do miss getting the opportunity to write about life, my thoughts, fears, dreams, feelings, etc. It's hard to convey what I go through on a daily basis as a PT student so that you an understand why blogging is simply not high on my priority list. I know most of you have bachelor's degrees, and you can at least understand excessive caffeine consumption and sleep deprivation, but on the grand continuum of things, you in no way could understand what it's like to be in a program as intense as MCG's PT program. I'm just thankful that you all appreciate what I do and hopefully understand the reason for my absence as a blogger.

Enon's cousin's girlfriend (mother's sister's dog, haha) inspired me to write this blog. While I may not have been able to go through this year consistently discussing what was going on in my life, I do think it's important to sum up the good things that have happened in 2007. 2007 was the most stable year I have had in a while. 2003 and 2004 were filled with some lonely times and I struggled a lot to find happiness for myself and really understand what God's plan was for my life. 2005 was haunted by a roller coaster of emotions ranging from my father's death to graduating from UGA. I was thankful for the support I received while going through these milestone events, but the instability of it all makes it hard to find pure happiness in the midst of the turmoil. 2006 was a recovering year for me that was also marked by huge changes as I made the trek down Highway 78 towards Augusta to begin PT school at MCG. It was highlighted by meeting Enon who continues to be a huge blessing in my life, but I was also faced with many challenges as a student physical therapist that often drained my energy and put stress on my relationships. I finally got into the swing of things, though, and a reunion with my brothers and sister in New Hampshire after Christmas time was a nice ending to a rebuilding year that I feel like I got through with flying colors.

2007 was the first year that nothing really dramatic happened. The stability of my emotions (which could be a valid explanation for my lack of blogging and 15 pound weight loss) helped me to focus on the things that are really important. I have continued to make good grades in PT school and have inspired Enon to want to do better and stay more focused. I spent 2 months in the clinic this summer in which I successfully treated patients with orthopedic problems and was given the opportunity to observe surgery and do other things that I never though I'd be able to do. I watched two of my best friends from high school get married and it was so good to watch them be so happy. I got to see my old Perry and UGA friends more often this year, and even in the midst of how busy I am, I kept up better with a lot of people. I spent 2 months at home and really grew to appreciate my parents more. I started running again, and man, it felt so good (until I sprained my ankle in October and had to quit). I've educated my parents, aunt, uncle, grandmother, and brother on how they can be more healthy and have inspired them to make the lifestyle changes necessary so that can maintain an optimal health status. My stepdad also began running again, and has reported that he has lost 20 pounds and his cholesterol has stabilized. My mother also aimed towards losing weight and continues to walk 2 miles a day and has reported to reach her weight goal of 125 pounds. When you've lost a parent to a health condition, it's promising to know that where I couldn't have made a difference in my Dad's life, I can in the rest of my family's because I know more and am better trained to educate them on how to effectively make the necessary changes to enhance their health. Even Dean has reported cholesterol that is within normal limits and a blood pressure that is sometimes less than 120/80. Must be because he's eating those Cheerios like I told him to! ;) Either way, it's awesome that I have been an effective PT to the people who matter the most to me, and I hope that I can continue to inspire them in 2008.

2007 was also marked by an AWESOME summer, and an AWESOME football season. This summer, I went to the beach 4 times which was the first time I had been since 2002. I loved being able to soak up the sun and truly be mesmerized by one of God's most amazing creations. Then there was football season. Ok, so the first two games of the season were not good due to 1) too much alcohol consumption, and 2) a loss to Spurrier's Gamecocks. Then, of course, there was the horrible beating by Tennessee, BUT......there's really been a turnover in the Dawgs this year. I can feel it and truly hope and pray that I will get to witness a National Championship season in the near future. We beat Florida and Auburn in the same season for the first time since 1982, and how sweet it was! It was amazing to be down in Jax with all my Ptown friends doing the Gator Chomp in all of the trashy Florida Fans faces. We sacked Tim Tebow more times in one game than he had been sacked the entire season up to that point. It was great to notice that in the clips they showed during Tebow's Heisman run, there weren't any from the day that we defeated them! Then, there was the Auburn BLACKOUT which was by far the best game I have ever been to. The game was close at first, but those black jersey's really inspired the Dawgs to come through and blow it wide open. And seeing Sanford Stadium completely black was just so awesome, and I was so proud to not only be a fan, but to be Alumni. It may not mean a lot to some people, but my name is written in that school and it's so great to know that I am part of something special.

Lastly, 2007 was a great year to watch my relationship with Enon continue to grow. Even though he drives me absolutely crazy sometimes, Enon makes my heart smile more than anyone I've ever known. I appreciate his patience, and he puts up with my lack thereof. He does so much for me, and I just don't think that there is anyone better in the whole wide world than him for me. Plus, my family likes him which is definitely a first for me. I think that speaks volumes...

So....2008. I hope to start the New Year with a big fat kiss from Enon followed by another Blackout victory for the Dawgs over Hawaii in New Orleans. I hope to continue to be successful in school as I have only 2 more semesters left in the classroom before I take on two semesters of clinical. The end is so close I can taste it! I hope that I continue to find patience with all that I do, and I am also making it my goal this year to start spending more time with God and focusing on his word. Lastly, my brothers and I are making the trek to Arkansas to spread my father's ashes. We've mended, we've grown, and we've found peace in our loss. It's time to fulfill Daddy's wishes and put him to rest in the mountains of Arkansas. It's bittersweet, but it will be a great memory to cap what has been a long, painful, grieving process. He will always be in my heart, but I'm ready to let go.

So, that's about it! Happy New Year everyone! Love y'all!

An Answered Prayer

2007-06-25T20:49:00.001-05:00

My last memory with my Daddy: I had gone to visit him at the hotel he was staying at in Perry the evening after my younger brother graduated from high school. I was extremely frustrated because I had been talking with a guy who had blown me off (the story of my life at this point in time) so, being all pissed off, I was ditching Perry and going back to Athens to escape the agony of being dumped again. Of course, I had to stop by and say goodbye to Daddy because I didn't know when I'd see him again (ironic, huh?), and, of course, my Daddy could read me like a book and knew that something was wrong. So, being the good Daddy he was, he sat me down, made me fess up to him, and tried to make sense out of my frustration. I'll never forget that night. I was in tears, and my Daddy laid his hands on me and prayed that God would help guide my heart in accordance with His plan for me, and that one day, I would find a man who would love me the way I deserved to be loved. Then I gave my Daddy one last hug and drove away with him in my rear view mirror.

I've often acknowledged how much I truly cherish the last memory I had with my Daddy. We got to have one final moment, and God was there blessing it. Now, my last memory has even more meaning because I can reflect on that moment and know that God answered my Daddy's last prayer for me. He gave me Enon.

It's so easy to say that you've found the one when you're in the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship, especially after you've been single for as long as I had prior to. But how do you really know?? Of course there's no guaranteed sign, but I have plenty of things that I choose to think of as God hinting to me:

1. My brother, Dean, keeps asking me when the wedding date is so he can put it in his PDA. This is HUGE because Dean is a great judge of character, and he's not going to give his approval out to anyone, no matter how happy they make me. Plus, he's doing Dad's job, and I think it goes without saying that he takes his job very seriously...
2. My mom hugs Enon when we go to Perry, and she tells him to come back soon whenever he leaves. Nuff said...
3. William automatically replaces me with Enon as his wingman in Uno...such crap! Pretty sure Wiliam might like Enon more than he likes me!
4. Staisha, even if she was slightly inebriated, professed her undying love for Enon as my bf. She pretty much hated all the other ones anyway, and she's always been pretty protective...

and lastly:
5. Kit, who has taken it upon himself to take care of me since I was the cute little freshman that I was, has told me that he hopes I marry the guy. Plus Jojo's approval is nice to have too...

So, wow...Enon has won over the masses! But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Now, I will say that I have a newfound appreciation for those people who find it easy to rush into marriage. I mean, once you've found "The One" it's easy to want it all, and it's definitely harder to find patience to wait until the time is right, but we have other priorities to work out before we can make any decisions about the future.

That doesn't mean that there aren't days that I want to actually answer Dean's question, and I do feel very blessed to have found Enon. He's more than I could have ever imagined, and I love him in a way I never knew existed! It's just so special that Enon gets to be the answer to my Daddy's last prayer. Through God, they are bound together, and I just don't think that there's a more positive sign than that...

Love you guys...thanks for stopping by!

"But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I love you more.
~Beatles "In My Life"

An update....

2007-05-19T12:34:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm pretty sure no one ever reads my blog anymore because I haven't received a comment in ages. I realize this is my own fault for being so inconsistent, but believe me, blogging is something I direly miss. I just don't have time! But, with a summer full of clinicals, I should have more time to indulge on the complicated corners of life and hope to regain faithful readers.

I did just get back to school from a short break following the conclusion of Spring Semester. I can happily report that I made Dean's List and was very happy with my end of semester performances on tests and practicals. I'm also now a 2nd year PT student, and I'm officially halfway done with the actual coursework. Word on the street is that the second year is fairly grueling, but I don't doubt my success in my future classes. I don't necessarily look forward to them either, but I'm sure that the sense of accomplishment will be well worth the hard work in the long run.

I started multiple blogs during my past couple of weeks off, but I can't find anything worth talking about. I've reached a point in my graduate school education where I've forgotten how to make real conversation. Going out with my classmates consists of conversations about who fell asleep in class, special tests for the knee/hip/ankle/shoulder/elbow/wrist, who in their family was most recently injured so that we would have real life patients to play with (my brother has both a snapping hip and patellofemoral knee pain, so I was pretty excited in a nerdy way), and let's not forget how much we love to bitch about our program! In our defense, I think that we've learned so much stuff that we're just dying to be able to apply our newfound knowledge. We'll have an opportunity to take a dip in the "real world" this summer when we go on our first clinical rotation, and I know I'm excited to exit the PT realm for a little while to hopefully converse about other, more important things. I also hope that I'll find new topics to blog about, so keep your seats, I might actually have something up here soon that you'll want to read.

The only thing that I really have to talk about right now (that's unrelated to PT of course) is my realization that I have got to be the most impatient person on the face of the earth! Enon, of course, is the primary victim of this. I often wonder if my growing impatience stems from qualms I have with my relationship. Enon and I don't really have separate lives right now. We go to school, we come home, we nap, we eat dinner, and then we study. Obviously, the future of our relationship lies in our success of getting through PT school, thus making all PT related things our ultimate priority. What we do together works for PT school - we both made Dean's list this semester with 3 A's and a B. I just don't know if it works for our relationship all the time. I love spending time with him, but I feel like we need more breaks from each other too. But when you have to study all the time in order to be successful, where is the break??

I pray this summer will give us the space we need so that I can regain the patience I've lost, but I hope that the stress of a long-distance relationship doesn't take its toll altogether. I've been making a valiant effort to consciously make the decision to be patient, but I'm still working on that. And in my defense, I get my impatience honestly. If you know my mother, you'll understand that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Please pray for me guys, that I might figure out how to take control over this issue. I love you all, and I promise to be back much, much sooner!

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” ~John Quincy Adams

We are All Hokies...

2007-04-21T21:04:00.001-05:00

Upon hearing the news of the VA Tech tragedy, all I kept thinking about is, "we played them in the bowl game..."

They are us. We are them. And we are all Hokies.

Tragedy can strike anywhere at any time. To say that something like this couldn't happen at my Alma Mater would be foolish. Why there are so many people in this world who snap under pressure and take it out on others is beyond me. The only benefit from a tragedy such as this is that you remember to turn to the Lord and you rely on Him for comfort, strength, and understanding. Are we so caught up in our daily lives that we don't do this anyway?? Must He let such terrible things happen so that we remember Him??

I'm as guilty as the next person. And I'm ashamed of that. But life gets so busy that it's hard to do things like go to church, read the Bible, and pray for support. As a result of this, I will strive to do better. He is our rock, and we mustn't forget that...

Two of the victims were from Georgia. One of them was from Athens, and the other was a graduated from Enon's high school. One was just recently married, and the other one was a month from graduating. The promises broken on April 16th will forever resonate in our hearts.

And a part of us will always be a Hokie.

Continue to pray, and never forget who we are: lambs of God struggling to find peace.

Love y'all!

"To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
And love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"
~Third Day

Your Shadow

2007-03-21T13:12:00.001-05:00

I sit under the willow tree
Protected by the rain,
but still in the shadows.

Shadows have no color-
They take
the smile from my eyes
the hue from my cheeks
the vivacity from my heart

It's your shadows - your menacing past
that finds me,
threatens rain,
yet leaves me dry
because your spirit shields me from the storm.

The corruptions of your soul drain
the blood from my veins -
I'm numb.

You love me,
They love me,
But is it enough to help me
Escape
the anguish of
your shadow??

The Convenience of Communication

2007-02-14T00:25:00.001-05:00

Drama - can't live with it, and there's no possible way to live without it. It haunts you, it follows you, it feeds your fire, and unfortunately, it must be an essential part of the continuous cycles that course through our lives. Otherwise, we would have the capability of telling it to just go away. If only life were so easy...

I've been boiling over a bit of my own drama that involves a case of the Ex-Files. I previously wrote a blog that I decided to take down as I didn't want it to look like Enon and I were having problems because we're not, and really, he's done nothing wrong. However, it really is impossible to talk about his ex-girlfriends without it being a personal attack on him. So rather than sifting through what has actually happened, I'm going to make my analysis of what's been going on as systematic as possible. That way, I avoid bending any of the facts so as not to form a biased argument - I just have a point to make, so I'm going to make it.

Communication these days is made completely convenient due to accessories like the internet which provides email, instant messaging, and social directories such as myspace or facebook; cell phones which can be taken practically anywhere, thus giving people an outlet for communication at any moment they can find spare time and a moderately strong signal. It also provides text messaging and media swapping that makes it easy to keep up with friends and family. Could you imagine a world where you couldn't call someone on your break from work or your ride home from school?? Could you imagine having to make plans ahead of time because you couldn't rely on the portability of a cell phone to figure out where to meet your friends downtown or figure out where everyone was hanging out on a Saturday night?? Could you imagine having to actually sit down and write a letter to someone and send it through snail mail?? I'd probably get a cramp in my hand.....the point is, modern communication is easy, efficient, and absolutely convenient, thus making it easier to keep up with more people than you probably need to. This is where I raise my question - is it really necessary to keep up with so many people, just because it's convenient??

I've never liked it when I felt like a convenience to any of my friends. There were many times where I felt like people were hanging out with me as a last resort and/or talking with me because there was simply no one else to talk to. Honestly, I'd rather spend a Saturday night alone than hang out with someone just to appease their need for companionship. Those who "use" people to their convenience are dispensible to me because I'd rather reserve room in my heart (and in my schedule) for the people who truly care about me. Venues like myspace and facebook have made it very convenient to keep up with old friends from high school. My mother is still perplexed as to how I know so much about my old classmates because she has no idea what either website entails. She thinks I'm in the "loop" when really, I'm just a computer whore who likes to stalk people on the internet in order to avoid doing things such as studying. The communication I've had with some people would never have been made possible without these two social networks, thus making me realize that the convenience of such communication tools makes it easier for me to pry into the gossip of other people's lives while making it appear that I'm showing genuine interest in their well being. As a result, I too, have become responsible of using people to my convenience as I have let the drama of their lives serve as my entertainment. Verdict: guilty as charged.

Now before I start scrutinizing myself too badly, I will say that just because I have utilized these tools to keep up with people doesn't mean that I've abused the convenience. Recent advertisements encourage people to "be human, use tools" thus making use of these domains merely smart. This doesn't mean that I would hesitate to pick up the phone and call someone to show genuine interest in their well-being. Being in grad school just makes it hard to find time to keep up with everyone, so I HAVE to be efficient. In the midst of having 3 group projects due next week, a diabetes patient to run tests and measures on, and having to be in class from 9-4 everyday, why not use the internet to tell my mom I'm doing ok, wish Kit a Happy Birthday, and ask my professor to specify her expectations for our research project? In 5 minutes, I have it all knocked out, and I get to go to bed at a decent hour - a much needed award if you ask any grad student. But that's not what I'm getting to.....

The real point at hand: ex's. Unfortunately, I've found that email, private messages, and text messaging serve as a slyful and deceiving way for ex's to keep in contact with my boyfriend. This is absolutely NOT ok. Call me old fashioned, but I really don't think it's ok for ex's to show co-dependent behavior to each other after they've agreed to end the relationship. This is not to say that you should wish bad things on the people who used to be special to you, but it's not necessary for you to tell them every development in your life since you decided to split. Unfortunately, modern communication makes this easy. However, there's no way to let new people in if you can't let the old people out, which is why I'm a firm believer in letting the past stay in the past. When you put a period at the end of your relationship, then it's time to move to the next chapter, regardless of how convenient communication may be. Sure, I could send a quick email to Jason right now and let him know how amazing my life is, but is he even worth a phone call or a Hallmark card letting him know that I'm thinking of him?? Absolutely not! So, why communicate with him at all if it's only a convenience?? Not worth my time....

Interestingly enough, this is the gist of what my current drama is. As a result of Enon's attempt to honor the commitment that he's made to me as my boyfriend, I've been called a sad addition to Enon's life as a lowly, pre-pubescent girl (ha) who doesn't love Enon for who he is or accept the people that shaped the path that his life has taken. Does anyone really have to accept ex's when they enter a relationship?? Sure, I acknowledge their past, but she most certainly doesn't have to be a part of my present. I don't think I have to wonder why she sends him emails (impersonal or not) recounting all the details of her life (i.e. pictures from her NYE celebrations, sonograms of her illegitimate child, etc.) It's disrespectful to me and completely hypocritical, especially since she didn't enjoy hearing about how Enon has found me and that he's incredibly happy. I've rid my heart of my past so that I can give Enon my heart in the purest form possible, and I'm not going to let her keep the stain on his, regardless of how convenient it may be for her. I deserve better than that as does anyone else. Even her.

My old roomie at UGA once told me that any relationship can be perfect - it's a matter of external factors that screw things up, and the most common external factor comes in the form of drama created by another person. I'm not going to let the convenience of communication mess with the relationship that I waited so long to find and am working so hard to build strong. It's simply not fair, and I refuse to let it happen. Period.

That's all kids. Love y'all, and thanks for listening. :)

“The advantage of modern means of communication is they enable you to worry about things in all of the world” ~Dr. Laurence J. Peter

It's Engagement Season...

2007-01-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. I've been a bad blogger, but I'm still excited to see that Kit hasn't taken me off the list of consistent bloggers. I better get on it though!

So December was hella busy - I had finals with my last one being on December 11th. The afternoon of December 11th, I started training with Macy's where I worked at the women's fragrance counter. I got lots of free perfume, and it was much better than working in the clothing department! Then, on December 26th, I went to New Hampshire where I got to see my siblings! It was GREAT to catch up with everyone, and they all got to meet Enon which I think went well, but I haven't received an affirmative on that. It was also the first time that we'd all been together since Daddy's funeral - of course the Christmas season had him on my mind, and I'd really been missing him, but a good dose of the Gray Family seemed to cure me. All in all, it was a GREAT trip!

Left to right: Terri, Dean, myself, and William

Now, we're back to realilty - school started back on January 8th, and it's already kicking my ass. My New Year's Resolution was to get back to running, but I already see that NOT happening. Intramurals are starting up, and while I'm incredibly out of shape, it'll still be fun. AND, apparently it's engagement season! Gag me! I seriously knew of 3 couples that got engaged just this weekend, not to mention the 1093877340928475034 people that seemed to get engaged over the holidays. I guess this whole wedding thing is something I better get used to because we're finally reaching the age where everyone's getting married. I'm just wishing people would get together and spread things out so that it doesn't overwhelm me! haha....

Now, I had a lot of people ask me if I got engaged over Christmas. What I don't get is why people would expect that I would. Don't get me wrong - I really love Enon and don't foresee him going anywhere. What we have makes sense, and I truly feel like he is what God has had in mind for me after all these years. But what's the rush?? Neither Enon or I have jobs as we are both students, he's in more debt than I am, and unless he's going to be able to support me, it doesn't make sense to get off of my parent's tab just yet. Besides that, Enon and I have only been together for 6 months! Sure, some people have short courtships before they get engaged. In fact, my sister only dated her husband for 5 months before they got engaged, and they've now been married for 10 years! But I guess I want to be sure. Enon is still figuring why I'm so hardheaded about being right about everything (although, Dean's evaluation of my personality profile seemed to clear some things up) and I haven't quite figured out what causes his intermittent bouts of OCD. We still have SO much to learn about each other, and until we truly figure each other out, there's no need to rush into a long engagement that may not even come to fruition. Right??

I did, however, get a ring for Christmas. My family gave me a hard time about it, but Enon knows how important it is to me to have my family's blessing before we embark on any road that leads to a wedding. I was really excited about my ring though because it's the only real piece of jewelry that I own aside from my high school class ring and my Great Aunt's pearl necklace that I never wear. It's just a little sapphire, and getting it was really special to me. So while everyone else is flashing their engagement rings in my face, I'll be content with my little sapphire. My day will come eventually...........

Thanks Baby!

That's just about all that's semi-interesting right now. Hope ya'll had a great holiday season, and Happy New Year! Love y'all!

"Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable."
~Oscar Wilde

TWO BLOGS IN THE SAME MONTH! GET EXCITED!

2006-11-27T02:32:00.001-05:00

Written November 22, 2006

So, I have two papers and a presentation Monday, and I had every intention of spending a majority of my Thanksgiving Break doing schoolwork, but seeing that I helped my Mom put down a bottle of Beringer, I figure that I’m not exactly in the right state of mind to think too incredibly hard about PT, so I’m taking an evening off for “Stacy Time”. Unfortunately, I have no book to read, no TV to watch (thanks William), no internet access, and no one to play with, so it’s either Spider Solitaire, or writing a blog in Microsoft Word to post later. Obviously, I’m choosing the latter…

I don’t really have a lot of “Stacy Time” anymore for two reasons:

Physical Therapy school
Enon

This explains why my blogs are becoming sparser, why my eyebrows haven’t been waxed, and why I’m looking extremely pale due to lack of “light therapy” (right Mish?). Obviously, doing well in school and spending time with Enon are much more important than my skin complexion and the status of my eyebrows, but I do miss blogging quite a bit. Most of the drama in my life revolves around my relationship, but I definitely don’t want my blog to sound like “Bitchfest 2006” because truth is, Enon is absolutely fantastic in spite of how ugly things can get when we don’t see eye to eye. Truth beknown, I’m a huge brat that still has a lot of growing up to do, but he’s about as stubborn as I am, so when his patience wears out (which isn’t often AT ALL), shit goes down. But who really wants to read a blog about all that? Yeah, didn’t think so.

I told my big brother that I’d write a blog just for him because he was semi-jealous of the rank order of my Thanksgiving shout-out list, and after being home for 24 hours now, I find myself moping because I don’t have anyone to play with. With William gone, I find conversation with my parents to be somewhat stuffy without his comic relief. I love my parents, but they are so content in their empty nest that when I come home, they seem more annoyed that they have to fit me in their schedule than happy to see me. Makes me wonder why I come home at all, but I know that if I didn’t, they’d be very upset. I can’t win, and it sucks even more to not have my siblings around. At least I’d have someone to watch TV with! I’d never make it as an only child…

I taught Enon how to play UNO last weekend. I mean, who doesn’t know how to play UNO?! We were at Target and he said that he never learned to play because he never had anyone to play with since he was an only child. This absolutely broke my heart, so I bought the game and taught him how to play. Since then, we’ve played a game every spare moment we’ve had, and I’ve still only won once (he’s good!) It’s hard to imagine being an only child and growing up so lonely. He doesn’t know the difference of course, but being here away from all my brothers and sisters makes me realize how much more fun growing up was because of them. Therefore, in honor of them (and namely DEAN and William), I've compiled a list of some of my favorite memories:

Playing “Colored Eggs” around Dad’s apartment complex in Lancaster. To this day, I still haven’t met anyone who played this game. Maybe me and Kelly made it up. I remember we would always fight over the color “Gray” because it was our last name and not one of the primary colors of the rainbow making it harder to guess. Dean would always do the voice of the Big Bad Wolf, and William always got tagged because he was so much younger, and sometimes we’d have to let him win. Poor William.
Dean made Terri try the vanilla abstract and she passed it down to Kelly who passed it down to me, and I passed it down to William. William’s still waiting to get Tyler.
Camping at Lake Isabel. Dean tried to convince William to eat the worm, and then William caught the biggest damn fish out of all of us! How did that happen?
Trips to Lake Gregory – Daddy was pretty sexy when he took his shirt off, and we even took Tyler who enjoyed playing Pat-A-Cake, even though “rolling it” always made him spit up, haha! And Terri always turned into a lobster.
Let’s not forget Disneyland! Terri, Kelly, and I went to Dean’s apartment the night before and hung up pairs of Dad’s underwear with Dean, Joe, and John’s names on them, and we decorated them with tampons and chocolate icing! Then we went to Disneyland, and I wanted to ride EVERY ride with Terri but Dean and Cousin Jeremy refused to straddle each other on the Mattahorn, so I had to ride with Dean. And of course William was too scared to go on Space Mountain! (Sorry Willie! It's my job to pick on you!)
Breaking Dean’s model helicopter and Star Trek ship. Don’t worry; he still loves me even if he won’t let me live it down!
Going to Lake Apollo to collect algae for Kelly’s science class, and then we stayed to play on all the playgrounds. At night, we laid in the parking lot and stared at the stars. Remember that HUGE shooting star?
Staying up all hours of the night playing UNO, Phase 10, B.S. (Crap), King’s Corners, Rummy, and Poker!
William and I were Nintendo freaks, and then Dean taught us how to win a million lives on Super Mario Brothers so we could finally beat the game!
Wrestling in the yard – Dean always won even though it was William, Kelly, and I vs. him!
Watching Dean break Dad’s ribs in the front yard with all the neighbors watching on their picnic blankets. Ok, not the greatest memory, but it’s funny to look back on it – I mean, why the hell did the neighbors do that? Besides, Terri and I sat in the kitchen and made chocolate milk while listening to Reba. That was fun….
Remember at Yosemite when Kelly’s horse sucked? That was hilarious!
The goodbyes – they were always so hard, especially the last time we had to say goodbye to Daddy, but at least we had each other. Dean always cheered Terri up on the plane, and William always acted goofy until I stopped crying which was about halfway to Georgia. But he never stopped trying no matter how upset I was.
Christmas 2001 and Dean’s wedding – Lynne was pretty annoyed that we “decorated” the kitchen on Christmas Eve, and we totally demolished Mischa’s Explorer. Then Tyler spilled punch all over me while Daddy was giving his toast – William almost lost it! Little Tyler is a genius!

I think I could go on forever! No matter what, there was always someone to get in trouble with, fight with, cry with, laugh with, play with, pray with, hug, kiss, and punch in the ribs if I needed to. That’s something so special that I think I took for granted so many times throughout the years. But as I sit here tonight with no one to play UNO with, I realize how lucky I am to have such amazing siblings. So, Dean, William, Terri, Joe, Kelly, and Alishia – thank you for being….

Love y’all!

Gobble Gobble

2006-11-19T20:09:00.001-05:00

Ok, no, I haven't broken up with blogging too. I just don't have time to blog about anything, and being that my life revolves around (in random order) manual muscle testing, playing with goniometers, Enon, and Georgia Football, there's just nothing really controversial or interesting to blog about. Sad, huh?

In light of Thanksgiving, which is my second favorite holiday (right behind my birthday of course), I'd like to give a shout out to all the people I'm thankful for. When I was growing up, I was a HUGE brat. I never had the patience to wait on the things I wanted, and unless I got things in the absolute timely fashion in which it was desired, I was often looked on as being ungrateful. I thought I'd outgrown all that, but the past couple of months have been stressful, school has been time consuming, and there's such an demand for every spare moment I have that I think I might have turned back into the brat that I used to be. So before I let another moment go by, let me express my deepest gratitude:

Enon: You have seriously become to mean the world to me. I never thought I would find someone like you and am forever grateful for how much you willingly put up with me. I know I don't always express how grateful I am, but please know that your patience and your character mean so much to me, and I honestly don't know what I would do without you. Thanks for being you....

Dean and Mischa: y'all have been my rock this past year and a half. Y'all have been the understanding I've sought and have brought me the wisdom that I normally would have sought from Dad. I thank you for the blessing that you are, and I cannot wait to see you soon! I love you more than you'll ever know. Thank you for being...

Staisha and KT: y'all are the bestest of friends that I could ever ask for, and I appreciate how much you're there for me, even through the distance. I sure miss old times and wish we could see each other more, but I appreciate each memory we make now more than ever. Thanks for loving me unconditionally...

Willie: I love you goob....your list might just be way too long...

Daniel: You were always there to cushion my falls when my heart would break over and over again. I sure hope that my heart is done breaking, but thanks for our lifelong friendship. It means the world to me.

Kit: You get me! I still think you're one of the few that do, and you're friendship is so dear to me! I love you so much and am grateful for your guidance throughout the years. You're amazing...

all of my other friends: I appreciate you all so much! Your unconditional love is priceless, and I would never be who I am without you...

Tra Battle: thanks for playing so well against Auburn. GO DAWGS!

I also would ask for you to pray for one of my PT friends who lost her father a couple of weeks ago. Lord knows I understand the magnitude of the pain she's experiencing and I pray that God be with her as she endures a very sorrowful holiday season without her father.

Y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope to see y'all up in Athens on Gameday when we show Tech how it's gonna be for the next 4 years! Go Dawgs!

Love y'all!

"I thank my God every time I remember you."
~Philipians 1:3

The Break-Up

2006-10-18T23:17:00.001-05:00

Georgia Football and I have broken up.

No, this isn't me throwing in the towel and saying that I'm never going to call the dawgs ever again, it's just me stating that I'm tired of being let down.

You see, for the last 3 football seasons, I've been one of the more faithful fans by always believing that no matter how much we were down, how big of an underdog we were, or how much we just SUCKED, we could still do it! I've read every story, every blog, memorized stats, talked shit to fans from all the other schools, traveled to many away games, yelled until I was hoarse, and in the end, no matter what, I get let down. It's so frustrating! That's why I've decided that Georgia Football and I need to not be so serious, so we're just friends now. I don't have enough heart to carry us all the way, and neither does any other football fan. The fact that our coaching staff wants to overlook all the great talent we have, the fact that we're SO conservative and won't do anything but run it up the damn middle (never finding the hole of course), and the fact that THE PLAYERS CAN'T GET FIRED UP has been the ultimate heartbreak. So, I'll continue to call the dawgs, I'll continue to get hoarse at all the games, and I'll continue to use my weekly grocery allowance to purchase football tickets, but because we're just friends now, it won't hurt so much next time we lose to a shitty team like Vandy. Or MS State. Or Kentucky. Because with the lack of heart our team has, losing to those teams is definitely possible. It's like finding your husband/boyfriend in bed with a freakin prostitute or something. Gross.

I'm tired of being heartbroken. Besides, I have something new to fill in the void, and while he lets me down, we can make-up.... ;)

So Go Dawgs. Maybe we'll get back together next year.....And no matter what, it's always great to be a Georgia Bulldog!

"I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me..."

2006-09-21T23:47:00.001-05:00

....and I'm not even in the real world yet!!!

Grad school - it's almost like middle school all over again. If you'll recall, middle school was this weird transition between being a kid and being a teenager. It was a constant struggle to try to figure out what was going to be expected of you in the next stage of your life, but at the same time, you retain some of the tendencies that you had as a kid until you finally figured it out. And it's grueling! I have to say that I have the utmost respect for middle school teachers who have to deal with those rotten adolescences! I mean, what an awkward stage in life!

Grad school is analogous to that atrocious time, except we're in this weird transition from being irresponsible college kids to being professionals! We're basically shoved out in the real world, but we haven't received all the proper training that is required for us to officially start our careers. So we go out, we have a good time, we drink ourselves stupid on weeknights, weekends, whenever, we forget to do our homework, and we have a TV schedule lined up to watch with the roommates while we pay for everything with financial aid money and from the occasional moola our parents are still graciously sending us, even though our ages range from 22 - 30! How awkward! Meanwhile, some of our friends have moved on and gotten real jobs, are being paid salary, and are getting married while we simply haven't grown out of our callowness to be ready to do these things because we're still in school! Unfortunately, we're still being required to act as though we really are out in the real world, and MAN is the punishment harsh.....very harsh my friends.....

I wish that I could explain in further detail the events that I'm trying ambiguously to chronicle here, but unfortunately, public domain makes it impossible me to do so without getting kicked out of my program. But to make a long story short, recent events at school having to deal with blogs, facebook, myspace, and other public domain have caused faculty members to turn against the students. They've started creating a lot of value judgements that are targetting a few vendettas and threatening to kick them out of the program. These issues are not something that I've previously dealt with in my years behind academias protective walls, and it's honestly not something I thought would EVER ben an issue. I was, however, aware of the trouble people had been getting into by utilizing public domain for personal reasons. At UGA, I read stories in the Red and Black about employers using facebook and myspace profiles to determine whether prospective employees were eligible for certain positions. I read articles on the internet about people losing their jobs when their bosses found their blogs which expressed grief about their work. Little did I know that grad school would hold the same penalties for the same behaviors. I thought I was still a kid? Yes, I know how to act professional, but when you're still assigning me homework, giving me tests, and telling me to read a bazillion pages in my text book, it's hard to figure out in which arenas they expect us to display professional behavior. What's private? Is anything about my personal life really personal anymore? Does my opinion matter? And in which venues are my jokes going to be taken the wrong way?

My brother told me not too long ago that what defines a person is not the number of mistakes they make, but how they fix them. As students, we're still going to make mistakes and retain the same behaviors we exuded in undergrad because it's the same stuff, only a little more challenging with higher expectations. Yeah, we might come to class hungover a few times, and we might make facebook groups that joke about some of the rules and policies of the institution we attend, but when jokes are taken the wrong way or when we get completely called out for christening the porcelain gods in the PT building during our first break of the day, we try to understand the implications of our unprofessional behavior, we apologize for actions, and we hope to move forward with no intentions of repeating our mistakes. Unfortunately, as I've learned very quickly from my short tour of grad school so far, there is no room for error anymore! The attrition rate is much lower than what I was lead to believe and I've found myself in some sort of darkness I'm not so sure I'm going get out of in 2 and a half years, and it scares the shit out of me! And the only question I have is: how am I supposed to learn how to live in the "real word" when I'm not even on its playing field yet?? I'm simply a benchwarmer that's learning from the mistakes of the starters while trying to figure this life out, and they are already threatening to kick me off the team.....

For the record, this blog isn't autobiographical. I simply share the frustrations of my peers as I see the harsh consequences of their mistakes. And it looks like we're all gonna be walking on eggshells for the next couple of years.....

Ok, so I'm pretty proud that I came up with something worthy of talking about other than my life! Go me! I love y'all! Thanks for stopping by!

"Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here
If I were someone else, would this all fall apart
Strange, where were you, when we started this gig,
I wish the real world, would just stop hassling me"
~Matchbox 20

Book Meme

2006-09-17T16:37:00.000-05:00

So, a friend of mine posted this book meme, and, being the bad blogger that I've been lately, I figured that this was something I could do quickly to give all you people something to read. I was actually really impressed with myself that I was able to fill it out since I haven't really read for pleasure since I was in high school. If only I had more time.......

1. One book that changed your life: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge - I've said it once and I'll say it again: every girl out there needs to read this book! Never in my life has my heart been explained to me so effectivey, and I was able to take a retrospective journey and so lucidly could I see the answers as to why I made some of the decisions that I did. It was truly invigorating....

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Miller was so entertaining throughout the entire book that I didn't really stop to absorb the wisdom through the sarcasm! There are great seeds of wisdom in this book...

3. One book you’d want on a desert island: The Bible (you knew it was going to fit in somewhere!) I'd want to reread the versus over and over that reminded me that God is my Rock and that He is faithful and would never foresake me! I'd also want to have it with me because it's a really long book, so if I was stranded for a prolonged period of time, I wouldn't get bored!

4. One book that made you laugh: He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt. This book allowed me to laugh at myself for how naive I was sometimes, and laugh at other girls for being stupider than I was! I loved every minute of it!

5. One book that made you cry: Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I loved all 400+ pages of it! I couldn't put it down!

6. One book that you wish had been written: I wish that they would write a book explaining what goes on in the minds of a majority of 20-24 year old college boys. I mean, seriously, had I known that I'd find myself someone so easily the instant I got out of Athens, I wouldn't have even wasted my time!

7. One book that you wish had never been written: All of my text books so I would never have to read them! ;)

8. One book you’re currently reading: I'm about to start reading Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge. If you read my last blog, you know that I'm in need of a little intervention to help me overcome issues with Enon's ex's and what not (Mischa recommended it...thanks!) Hopefully this will help reshape my thinking so that I can somehow find fulfillment and validation in spite of it all...

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. It's been sitting on my night stand for about 2 months now! I need to learn how to pray more effectively and to pray more often, so hopefully this book will provide me with some encouragement....

10. Now tag five people:
Just refer to my friends list..........

Thanks y'all! I love you!

Battle of the Exes

2006-09-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

I was once talking with a former co-worker about relationships, and I inquired as to why he never had a girlfriend before. I mean, this guy was one of the sweetest most genuine guys I've ever known. He's very attractive, and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't interested in him at the time. It seemed like he could've hand-picked any girl out of a crowd and been with her for the rest of his life. Why stay single? His answer was profound and simple: he said that he wanted to stay pure and wait on the girl God was getting ready for him so that he would be able to say that she was the only girl in the world for him. It's been a couple years since we've had this conversation, but I can now see that this young man was wise beyond his years. I just wish I had listened to him and learned from his insight....

The only problem with waiting all your life for the one person you're supposed to be with is that when you find them, chances are pretty slim that they've also chosen to give up the experiences of dating just to stay pure for you too. But to have this would be ideal. The "Battle of the Exes" as I'm choosing to call it is simply a battle that cannot be won. No matter what, the past of your significant other will continue to haunt you and the securities within yourself that you try so hard to retain will be lost with a simple memory of their past. All you can do is build yourself back up so that it can be lost again when a new relic of their past is brought to the forefront. It's a vicious cycle, and I've recently discovered that arguing about this sort of thing is becoming pointless.

So, how can you truly wipe your slate clean in order to prepare yourself solely for that one person? We've all got pictures tucked away, saved emails and Hallmark cards, and there are even some of us that have naughty pictures and paraphernalia that can make your jaw hit the ground upon their discovery. But, chances are, you forgot they were there and never in a million years thought that your new girlfriend/boyfriend would be the one to find them for you. When a scavenger hunt for old pictures places a picture of you kissing an old girlfriend in your new girlfriend's hands, or when you're on your significant other's computer doing homework and are trying to locate a lost file but run across one that was definitely not meant for your eyes, it's hard not to get bothered by these things. You want to pretend that you never saw it or never read it, but it's hard to let that kind of stuff go because it makes you wonder if they've even let it go. Why would they have it? If that old relationship was as insignificant as they made it seem, then why are they still holding on to the memorabilia? What gives?

Chances are, if you read my blog, then you know me well enough to know that most of these generic questions are somewhat autobiographical. Through the course of my relationship with Enon, I've poked and prodded through his past trying to get him to tell me every anecdote that contributed to who he has become today because I truly understand how influential past experiences have on the mold of a person. This includes stories about his exes and details about past relationships. He never volunteered this information and has even shown great concern as to how him revealing this information effects me. I want him to be honest, and I want to know the truth. What good is a relationship if I know nothing about his past? He on the other hand, doesn't want to know anything about my past dating experiences. He likes who I am today and accepts and loves me for who I've become, but he knows that my past has been painful, and he doesn't want to bring up anything that's going to upset me OR him. His approach is very opposite from mine, but both ends of the battlefield are still agitated. He doesn't understand which people have played integral roles in my past and why they have become so special to me, and I see remnants of his past all over the place and understand why certain memories will always resonate in his heart. He gets jealous because he doesn't understand, and I get jealous because I do understand. And every time we patch things up, it seems like something else comes up and I find myself mobilizing my troops once again. Lately, I've found myself surrendering, but it's hard to keep surrendering without my heart taking a beating. So how can I just not let this get to me?

We went to the Georgia game yesterday, and what I thought was going to be one of the best days we'd had together turned into a cry fest and was by far the worst game I've ever gone to. I sat through the better part of the first half trying to fight back tears over the harsh words and misunderstanding that came between me and E. What made it worse was that I was sitting with Enon's parents who were trying to figure out why I was so upset and not having a good time. His Dad finally asked me about it during one of the timeouts. I told him that Enon was having a jealousy issue, and he told me, "Stacy, I know that Enon can be difficult to put up with at times, but you should know that with every girl that he's ever brought home to us, he never cared about them as much as he cares about you. He'd let all his other girlfriends wander around this stadium without even questioning where they were going and when they were coming back. He cares more about you, so just remember that next time he pitches a fit."

I have to say, hearing this from Enon's Dad really provided me with another perspective of the situation that was much easier to appreciate. I still hate that the past continues to haunt us, but knowing that him caring so much is producing the jealousy is going to become my new mantra so that I can fight off the negative feelings that seem to continue to beat me down. I can't let the past continue to hinder the present, and I refuse to sit at another Georgia game in tears because of a boy who doesn't understand me, so I will do what I can to fight it. But still, I wish that this wasn't an issue I had to deal with at all, and I sometimes wonder how much easier it would be if I had just waited.....

That's all kids. Love y'all and Go Dawgs! :)

Sweet home Athens, GA

2006-08-09T15:08:00.001-05:00

So, I'm not gonna lie, I have absolutely nothing to write about. I was however, sifting through blogs and read this blog that Kit wrote which was somewhat inspiring. I remember Kit telling me that while you're at UGA, you do Athens - you go downtown, you go to football games, you attend Twilight, etc. But after you leave Athens, every time you go back, Athens does you. He said I wouldn't understand this until after I left and went back, and now that I have I can see that he was absolutely right (imagine that, Kit being right, haha!) My trip back to Athens was such a blast. The simple things I used to always do while in town such as going to Boar's Head and eating at Doc Chey's were ten times more fun than I ever remembered. I guess when you have all of those fun things taken away from you, you really appreciate them when you get a small dose of them. Hell, I can't even think of a good place to go eat in Augusta when dinner time rolls around, but when we went to eat in Athens, my list of choices was endless. Ah, you gotta love the Classic City. Here are some pics...

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Well, guess that's all for now. 22 days until Gameday! For all you Athenians out there, I'll be going to all the home games, so I hope to see you all at some point! It's gonna be one helluva a season! Go Dawgs! Love you guys!

Greener on the other side...

2006-07-29T23:00:00.001-05:00

I got flowers yesterday for the first time in Lord knows how long. It felt kind of nice. :) I also got into my first disagreement with the new beau, and I can tell that arguments with us are going to be few and far between, but ugly nonetheless. See, the problem is, I'm always right, and he thinks he is always right (haha ;) and both of us are too stubborn to realize otherwise. One of the great things that I learned from my years in Athens from watching my roommates' relationships (namely Kristen who is an awesome communicator) is that it's better to lose your pride to a loved one than to lose a loved one to pride. I was pretty proud of myself for dropping our stupid disagreement when I realized that neither one of us were going to budge, and hopefully I'll be able to carry that lesson with me next time as well. It's just nice to know that I actually did learn something about relationships in my 3-year spree of singleness, I just sometimes wish I was able to enjoy the singleness aspect a little more.

I remember Staisha always telling me to enjoy being single as she was going through her relationship with Doug, and until now, I never really understood why. Now the roles have reversed, and Staisha is readily seeking a new mate where I'm wanting to tell her to savor her singleness. Bottom line is that the grass truly is always greener on the otherside. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with Enon. We have a helluva lot of fun together, and I constantly want to spend insane amounts of time with him. I just kind of feel alienated from my single friends now. Most of it is self-imposed due to the fact that I honestly just don't even have the desire to go out as much as I used to and get crazy all the time, and I guess in a way, I miss that. Afterall, it really became a part of who I was-almost a reputation that I felt like I needed to live up to. And I know that Enon would have no problem with me doing as I pleased, even if it meant getting absolutely crazy, but the idea of staying in to watch a movie and cuddle is simply becoming more appealing. I know that I'm still in the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship where spending 72 hours straight together STILL isn't enough, but I just really never imagined myself missing the freeness of being single. Go fig....

Carrie Bradshaw said in SATC, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with." Maybe that's me, and I'm hoping that I can retain some of that wildness inside of me because I simply don't want to become THAT girl that loses all of her friends because all she does is hang out with her boyfriend. But I guess as long as I remain conscious of my actions, I can prevent that from happening. At least I hope so...

In other news, I was recently trying to convince Enon that there are ankle-biting dogs out there that are cute, and I've absolutely fallen in love with Havaneses! Here's a picture:

Isn't he absolutely precious?? If only I had money.....

So yeah, clearly I have nothing exciting to report. I just thought I'd blab to give you guys something to read. Maybe some provoking thoughts will come up soon that don't involve range of motion exercises or myotome tests, but I'm still debriefing from a rather long summer semester. I think I need a vacation....

Love you guys! Until next time....

Our brightest blazes of gladness are often kindled by unexpected sparks...

2006-07-12T02:35:00.001-05:00

About a year and a half ago, I got a tattoo of an anchor inferior and medial to my anterior superior iliac spine (can you tell that I'm in PT school? haha...) Most of you know the significance of the anchor (no, I'm not a Popeye fan) because most of you knew Randy. I got the tattoo to remind me of three things: 1) how great of a person Randy was in that he loved everybody unconditionally, exuded a childlike happiness that we can only dream of being able to have, and always succeeded in making people smile; 2) the importance of drinking responsibly in order to not cause harm to yourself or others, and 3) to create a standard for future prospects of guys I dated. Randy and I had a great relationship and we had so much fun together. As with many things in life, circumstances got in the way, and the timing simply wasn't right with us, but in all of my dating escapades, I've always hoped to find someone who appreciated me to the same degree that Randy did and who didn't take life seriously enough to prevent every situation from being a good time.

Well, I think I found him.

For clarification, no, I don't believe in soulmates, and, hell no, I'm not planning my wedding. Y'all know me better than that. I've just found someone who loves to have a good time and is all about some Stacy Gray. In addition, he's in PT school with me (which is good for my study habits....seriously) and he's a UGA alum so I don't have to hate him during football season (let's get honest, no one likes to date the enemy). So, my grades are good, I have a tailgating spot for next year, and I get to force him to hang out with me all the time so I'm never lonely! Life is good!

It's so funny to look back at all my dating experiences in the past three years and compare them to how easy this relationship has been. There's no games, no doubts, optimism is flying high, and I definitely spend my nights wondering WHEN I'm going to see him next versus IF I'm going to see him at all. It's.....well, nice. I couldn't ask for more. My roommates were right....my siblings were right.,,,my friends were right....EVERYBODY was right....there really was someone out there that was deserving of my attention and who would treat me the way that I was supposed to be treated. So after all the tears, the boy-bashing sessions, the alcohol consumption, and the prayers, I'm exactly where I want to be, and it feels great!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it does pay to wait on God's timing. It was never easy, and I absolutely hated being patient, but retrospectively, I can see how everything makes sense. So for those of you out there that are still waiting, I want to encourage you to stay hopeful, keep praying, and know that YES, there is someone out there for you, and when you finally find them, you'll see how worth the wait it is. The struggle sucks, but it's so rewarding in the end. I can guarantee it!

So, that's all folks. I love y'all and really miss the heck out of ya! Give me a heads up to lemme know what's been going on!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
~Psalm 37:4,7

PT School: The Breakdown

2006-07-07T22:06:00.001-05:00

I can't even begin to describe the expectations that I had about MCG's DPT program before entering on May 16th because this whole thing turned out to be completely different than what I anticipated. Sure, we work hard, and I've succeeded in digging out my "good student" skills (you know, studying a week in advance, not waiting until the last minute to get things done - the things that I did NOT do in undergrad! KT and Em can vouch for me there...) in order to get the grades that I need to succeed in this program. I'm happy to report that I made a B in my anatomy class, and I did well enough to not have to remediate my midterm in our main in-department class. But even in the two months that we've been in school, I've experienced sooo many things! I've dissected cadavers (more on that later), I've studied more for each test that I've taken than I ever studied for a single final in undergrad (Dishman and Duval's classes included), and I've been drunker than ever! That's right kids: we work hard, but we play harder! The future of American Physical Therapy is DRUNK, and I might be the leader of the pack (or, as they like to call me, the mascot, haha!) But all in all, I have really become infatuated with all of my classmates and look forward to what the next 3 years have in store for me. So far, this is my explanation of what the hell I've been doing the past two months:

1. CADAVERS - I know that I've talked to most of you in passing about my experiences with dissecting my cadaver whom we've affectionately gotten to know as Bob. My relationship with Bob was probably the most emotional experience I've had in my life aside from my Daddy's death. Like, seriously, I probably had close to 6 coronaries and 3 panic attacks in my adventures with Bob. Now, don't get me wrong - we got emotional, but for the most part, our sense of humor prevailed, thus preventing any emotional scars from forming. It's just that when you are forced to flip over a human body and have 5 girls (should have been 7 but LindSAY and I were having panic attacks in the corner) almost drop a dead human body on the floor, emotions start flowing. On top of that, you get 60-year-old dead balls (big ones at that, hence the name Bob) thrown in your face, and you get to walk around smelling like death each time you leave the cadaver lab. We dissected hands, feet, I had human skin and fat thrown at me, yellow juices squirted at me, and let's not forget the day we had to suspend Bob's arm from the ceiling by his thumb! It's just a wild ride, and I can't say that I really miss Bob all too much, but it's definitely an experience I'll take with me forever. Our dissecting table was great fun and we added enough humor to the cadaver lab to lighten everyone's spirits during such a morbid experience. We learned a lot, actually had fun, but I don't think I'll ever be doing that AGAIN!

2. STUDYING - Ok, let's get honest: I suck at being a good student. Sure, I make good grades, but that's just cause I'm a genius. Ok, maybe not, but seriously, I am way too ADD to stay focused on one thing for a very long time which is why I usually don't study very much and why I procrastinate. In undergrad, my average start time for studying for a test was usually the night before at around 11 pm. I got away with murder in undergrad, but the material on these tests is so intense that I had to kind of change my ways. Can you believe that my new average start time for studying for a test is a week in advance! Whoa! Ok, so I guess grad school is supposed to be harder than undergrad (afterall, when all's said and done, I will be making sure you all address me as DOCTOR) but who'd have thought that I would be able to dig out some studying skills like that?! Fortunately, the material is interesting so studying is actually....fun! (GASP!) Lets me know I chose the right career field, huh? And it helps when you have a boy that makes sure that I study, but that is a different story....

3. GRADES - this has got to be the number one thing that absolutely pisses me off. Don't get me wrong, my grades are good, but the typical personality type in our class is somewhere between "overachiever" and "has no life" which means that when grades come back, everyone gets interrogated about what grade they recieved and some of those people are really good at making me feel like a royal dumbass because, GASP, I made a B. Y'all know me - I get things done as effectively as everyone else, but I'm not about to sacrifice ALL my time just to make an A on a test. It happens sometimes, but I'm getting the same sheet of paper as the girl that graduates with a 4.0, so it doesn't really matter to me. Still, some people feel the need to compare themselves to everybody just to ensure their own self-worth, and it really is annoying. So you studied for a week straight for the test? Congratu-fucking-lations! I studied half the amount of time as you did and you scored 5 points higher than me. Whoop-de-freakin-do! Yeah, it's annoying. But hopefully they'll get over it...

4. THIRSTY THURSDAY/SURREY/WILD WINGS/ANY LOCAL MEXICAN FOOD VENUE - yep, that's where we roll 30-deep! Seriously, when's the last time that you walked into a crowded restaurant and requested a party of 30? With as much work as we do, it's essential that we take breaks to kill the brain cells that are overloading our brains! I do recall being very nervous about finding a crew that would want to go out and unwind with me, but it's so incredible how many kids just love to have a good time! We've put down alcohol until we've found ourselves in a drunken stupor after every anatomy test, usually starting with Happy Hour and then ending up at home around 1 or 2 am (for those of you scoring at home, that's about a 10-hour marathon drinking session! And it wasn't even Gameday!) We've had so many great times as a class, and I really have grown to love these people even in the short amount of time that we've been together! They make this whole experience worthwhile.

5. BOY - I can't elaborate too much, but yes, there's a boy. Yes, he's old. Yes, we have an amazing time together. No, I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon. He's in my program, we study together (yes, we really do study! Get your minds out of the gutter...), and he's been absolutely amazing! He has the right amount of patience to put up with me, and he still lets me have my fun. I kinda like him! ;)

Ok, so that's the breakdown. I hope to be around more now that anatomy is over with, so stay tuned! Love y'all!

"If it ain't PHYSICAL, it ain't THERAPY!"

UPDATE

2006-06-27T16:58:00.001-05:00

Ok, so, I've had no life thanks to recent weddings, anatomy, and hanging out with my new PT friends, and I realized that I should probably post something so that my faithful fans (ha) don't have to see my last depressing blog everytime that they view my page. So here's the goings-ons:

1) Jamie Wood is now a married woman! The wedding was beautiful and the reception was a little long, but the food was good, the people were good, and I got to see my Athens crew, so it was a good time! Here's a few pictures:

Me with the beautiful bride...

me with my beautiful best friend who I'm also nominating bridesmaid of the year! This was her third wedding since the end of the March, and I really just don't know how she put up with the stress of it all (actually I do know and it had to do with lots of alcohol afterwards!) She is also 3/3 in catching bouquets!

and here I am with my long-lost roommates from the ATH! I was so glad that they made the long trek to Ptown because it was so good to see them and catch up!

2) School is going well for the most part. Anatomy is consuming my life and definitely kicking my ass, but we take our last test on July 3rd, just in time for some Independence Day celebrations! Our research methods class is also ending that same week, so with my remaining classes only taking up two days a week, I hope to have some time to somewhat enjoy summer! There will be parties by the lake, some pool-side sittin, a beach trip with Ms. Staisha (we WILL be going!) and maybe a little visit to Athens and/or the ATL! Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about that! School hasn't really been what I thought it was going to be. In some ways it's easier than I anticipated, but there are some aspects that are more negative. Some of my classmates are too competitive and I've found myself being belittled a couple times as they've managed to make grades higher than mine (I made a B and apparently, that's just not good enough) but all in all, I'm enjoying myself. And my PT friends are really awesome! They love drinking beer and having a good time, so you can't go wrong there! :) I am, however, looking forward to next semester because the stuff we're going over right now is really dry and not so interesting. Next semester is when we'll really dig into what PT is all about, so it'll be way more fun! Maybe then I won't mind studying! :)

3. I might be sorta kinda hanging out with a boy a lot. In fact, he might have kept me up until 4 am the past two nights in a row (GASP! ON A SCHOOL NIGHT??!!) and we've just been having too much fun. I won't divulge any details, well, maybe ever, because I don't want you guys to anticipate the post where I discuss how things have gone sour, but let's just say we're not in the Classic City anymore! ;)

4. That is all.

Once two of my four classes end, I'll have more time to dwell on more interesting topics, but until then, take care! I love you guys!

June 12th

2006-06-11T23:20:00.001-05:00

Today has a lot of implications, and based on my lack of sleep due to the nightmares that I've been having all week proceeding today, I've been struck with feelings of dread. However, I'm trying to retain an optimistic spirit. After all, that's what Daddy would've wanted.

If nothing else, today has been an indicator as to how far I've come along since hearing the news of Daddy's death. My memories of June 12th, 2005 are so vivid in my head right down to the ringer I had on my phone at the time when Dean called (Mickey Mouse Club) to hitting the floor after asking "What?" about 18 times after Dean said "he didn't make it" to having to call William and crying so hard that I sounded like a patient with Broca's Aphasia when I tried to tell him what happened. I remember Nicki showing up and wrapping me in her arms, I remember talking to Staisha and Kristen, I remember emailing my professor to tell him that I'd be missing the test, and then I remember deciding that I'd be able to run 4 miles with Nicki since we had already made plans to do so before Dean called, but then realized that trying to run 4 miles while holding back tears causes your throat to close up, thus making it hard to run (I did make it 4 miles though....miraculously). I remembered not having an appetite (an anomoly for me) and I remember my phone ringing off the hook and breaking down with each person that I talked to. I remember finding the Father's Day card I'd already signed and addressed, I remember wondering what to do with it, and I remember Mina and John showing up with lillies which I thought was so sweet, thus making me cry even harder. I remember talking to mom and her showing genuine sympathy for me, and I remember crying myself to sleep absolutely wanting to die. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to live without my Daddy??

A year later, I sit here, and while I've found myself experiencing the same feelings of despair and crying myself to sleep every night all over again, I'm still really proud of myself because I am ok. It still hurts, but it will always hurt. Other than that, I've really come a long way. Dean and I have a better relationship than ever. Mischa has become one of my best confidantes. William and I have grown closer and have found a new appreciation for each other. I've learned to appreciate the people in my life a little better. I've been motivated to take better care of myself and others, and I get to harp on Dean for his cholesterol being too high without him getting too mad at me! And most importantly, I've found myself closer to God in my walk of life, and in learning to trust Him, I've been able to obtain a sort of happiness I've never been able to feel before. And, I know I've made Daddy proud. I've done my best at finding the rainbow in this storm, and I know that if nothing else, Daddy is smiling down on me, and that's the most that I could possibly do.

I ask for your prayers. I know I'm ok, but today is going to be hard, this week is going to be hard, and Father's Day is going to be hard. There's an emptiness that's never going to go away, and I'm going to be reminded of that as I face today.

Today ends the "the year of the firsts" and it also marks the birthday of Daddy in heaven. It can only get easier from here. But I still miss the hell outta my Daddy.

I love y'all so much, and I thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers over the past year. They've meant the world to me.

Until next time...

"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers

RMG (December 10th, 1952 - June 12th, 2005)

Who am I?

2006-05-30T23:10:00.001-05:00

So, how am I really doing?

Well, do you want what I tell people, or do you want to know how I really am? I bet after I tell you, you'll wish you'd chosen the former, but here it is, straight up with no bullshit attached...

I knew that every facet of my life was going to change when I moved to Augusta (aka Disgusta...affectionately, of course). Knowing how different things would be made it important for me to remember that I couldn't compare life in Athens to the new life I'm trying to figure out here in the AUG. It's apples and oranges, and I'm here for different reasons. Therefore, my schedule is different, the people are different, my responsibilities and purpose are different, and my overall life in general is just on a completely different road. And that's ok. The problem is that in making this transition, I feel like I lost a piece of myself that I'm going to have to find all over again. I don't know where this road is leading, and I don't really even know the person walking down it. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I'm totally stepping back, putting everything on autopilot, and letting God's plan take its course.

Well, this should be good, right? Sometimes I'm not so sure...

Today, as I was sitting in class listening my English-educated Nigerian research teacher, ramble on and on about how to calculate the reliability and validity of research statistics (exciting stuff, huh?), I wondered why the hell I ever thought going to PT school was a good idea. I mean, my classes aren't horrible. In fact, I'd even say that the workload is equivalent to the demands that UGA presented to me in undergrad; afterall, I've definitely still had time to go to the bars, attend a keg party, and take advantage of Thirsty Thursday at the Augusta Greenjackets game and make pyramids with all the cans of beer we drank (128 to be exact...crazy huh?)

But, at the same time, I find myself spending my spare time in a cadaver lab trying to figure out muscles, bones, nerves, tendons, arteries, veins, etc. while trying to keep the smell of fermaldahyde out of my nose, the face of the cadaver covered with the towel, and my emotions stable enough to prevent me from having a panic attack (I've already had one.....and here I thought I was emotionally strong!) When I'm not with Bob (my cadaver....don't ask) I'm thinking about him, dreading having to go see him again, and holding back tears because all the time I've spent with him has broken down my emotional bulwark to where the slightest thing makes me cry. Example: Staisha asked me about a memento I have from my Dad, and I broke down into a hysterical crying fit. It's almost been a year, and I've definitely moved on. So what the hell?

Who am I?

I've gotten to the point where I can't even stand to look in the mirror. I don't like who I see, I don't like who I am, and I absolutely don't feel like I hold any sort of self-worth. Sad, isn't it?

WHO AM I?

But of course, my demeanor reflects that of the same ole Stacy. I'm the master of throwing things into the back of my head, but there have definitely been more tears behind closed doors. I'll continue to walk down this road with a smiley face, and I know that I'll get to where I'm going, but if you were to ask me right now where I saw myself in 10 years, I'd tell you that you'd see a successful PT who was single and living in a townhouse while getting fatter and uglier with no one remotely close enough to me to be able to understand me. I know it's ridiculous, but that's just how I feel right now. And I don't know how to make it go away.

Who am I?

I have senioritis, and I'm only in my third week of school. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. Maybe being a personal trainer would have been better for me. At least I wouldn't have to play with cadavers. But I know I'll make it. Somehow. Trusting God's plan isn't the hard part; it's just a matter of accepting it. I'm being completely submissive to Him. Things will work out how they are supposed to, but I'm not so sure I'm going to like the ending.

We'll see.

I still love y'all.....

How high and what color?

2006-05-17T23:13:00.001-05:00

Ok, so those of you that know me at all are probably wondering why I haven't rambled about relationships/guys/love/etc. in a while. I'm sure that it's particularly shocking since I've moved to a new city filled with new potential prospects. Well, surprisingly, I haven't been letting the idea of a relationship fester every thought. Sure, I have found some eye candy, and yes, I have been plotting out how I'm going to meet some of the other med students not in my program, but at the same time, I'm not really trying at all. I've decided that I'm going to let it happen naturally. For the first time ever, I'm not going to let my wants take precedence over my needs; therefore, I'm not going to try to take the wheel and steer my own destiny. And I think that this time, I might actually get what I want.

My sister sent me an email the other day while she was at work asking me if she thought it was possible to date someone and fall in love with the idea of a relationship instead of the person. She then proceeded to tell me her most recent story which explained the reason she was asking. To give her an answer, I retreated back to the memories of the many different guys that I dated while I was in Athens, and I thought about whether or not my actions were influenced by my feelings for the other person or by my incessant desire to be in a relationship. Furthermore, I found that her story was parallel to my most recent attempt at a relationship which helped me to answer her question more thoroughly than I could have imagined. And in doing so, I think I learned a lot about myself.

Those of us who desperately want to be loved try so hard that we end up damaging ourselves in the process. We get our hopes up and when our relentless prayers remain unanswered, our hearts falter until they are so chipped, battered, and broken that we give up on that person, but then we pick ourselves up and try again. It's a vicious cycle that makes us weaker and weaker each time that we go through it. And it gets old, but it can never kill our dream of finding someone special, so we pick ourselves up again. And again. And again.

In our attempts, we find that we also become more and more submissive to the other person's needs. We figure, "hey, maybe if I keep him happy and do everything he asks, this one will stay around." When he asks us to jump, we ask him, "how high? and what color?" We figure that getting all the details right will keep him happy and let him know that we care, but this makes it too easy for him. He wants a challenge that we are not willing to give him because we want it to work out and be simple. In the end, he gets bored and eventually leaves. And we start over.

What I realized that in being so submissive, I wasn't actually building a real relationship because they weren't getting to know the real me that's really stubborn and loves to get her way. My actions were a result of wanting a relationship, not wanting the person. So yes, I think it is possible to fall in love with the idea of a relationship. However, mine and Alishia's more recent stories don't suggest this. We each broke the cycle and really found someone, but unfortunately for both of us, it ended the same way.

She and I both ran into situations where the guys' needs and our needs came into conflict with each other, thus forcing us to make a compromise. Basically, we were both caught in separate love triangles where we were trying to form a relationship with a guy while dealing with an ex that was still very much in the picture. In effort to alleviate the turmoil caused by such a sticky situation, both me and my sister backed off and gave our guys space in an attempt to let them figure out what they truly wanted. We sacrificed our own needs to relieve them of the pressure in making their decisions.

At the time, it seemed easy to write them off and move on. After all, we'd done it so many times before, and THE BOOK says that if they can't just pick you, then they must not be that into you, right? But in answering my sister's question, I realized that the altruism I exuded in my own situation indicated that I was very much in love with the person versus the idea of a relationship. I realized that my decision to back off was one of the hardest decisions I'd ever made and perhaps the only time that I had ever truly put my own needs behind someone else's. I wasn't fulfilling their needs for my benefit, but rather, for theirs. Unfortunately for me, to care that deeply and make such a sacrifice wasn't acknowledged in the final decision. When a person exits a love triangle, the cheese stands alone while the remaining duo change their facebook status and add each other's names. But, as a result of that, I became the challenge that walked away which made me intriguing in spite of the decision he made. As a result, I had to forget about my own desires (again) that were still very much present, and ask the guy to exit my life so that he could not taunt me. And he did.

You can love somebody and not want to be with them - sometimes, a person can be so confused that they don't recognize their own needs. When you can identify them on their behalf, fulfill them, and choose to walk away in spite of what you want, then you've just made a statement that speaks volumes about your feelings for that particular person. Unfortunately, they are still so confused that they can't recognize your efforts. At the same time, perhaps we, too, are so confused that we don't recognize our own needs, but by walking away, we might be saving ourselves from an even bigger heartache.

So what's the bottom line? The only sacrifice worth making for somebody is the one where you let their needs take precedence over your own. Because your actions are influenced by your feelings for them versus your desire to be loved, you can identify that you love them and NOT just what role you want them to fulfill. And even if your efforts aren't rewarded, things will work out just the way that they are supposed to because the person who turns around and reciprocates the same sacrifice is the one that is going to stay in your life. He's the one you want.

Being entirely submissive to someone's needs isn't going to make him stick around any longer. So care for you and only you, and things will work themselves out. Right now, that's all I can really do, so that's my plan and I'm stickin to it!

Ok, no more rambling about love/relationships/guys/etc! Love y'all!

"I just can't tell you want you wanna hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don't need to love someone to want them. Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. Its exhausting. And, well, its complicated. But that's life. And life... sucks."
~George, Grey's Anatomy
Sorry Kit, the quote was extremely fitting for this blog. I had to do it.

Night Owl

2006-05-15T22:46:00.001-05:00

Yep, it's approximately 11:45 pm, and even though I've been dead to the world since I got back from orientation, my energy has decided that it wants to peak like it always does around this time of night. It doesn't matter how exhausted I am, between 11:30 and midnight, I start bouncing off the damn walls! It's kind of annoying because there's not much you can do at this time of night to expend excess energy. I always wish I could go running, but I know many, many people who would not be happy with me if I did so because of the potential dangers, so instead I write....

Orientation went well today in spite of the fact that I haven't built up the endurance to maintain my attention span for longer than 10 minutes, thus explaining the exhaustion I experienced upon arriving home. I don't think this exhaustion is going to dissipate anytime soon, thanks to MCG's student expectations which requires for us to achieve "mastery" status for every single concept we learn. This basically means that I'll be required to earn a "B" or better on each assignment given to us. This means no fuck ups. I'm allowed to make C's in my non-DPT classes, but I still must maintain a 3.0 GPA which shouldn't be too difficult considering that I was required to do that in undergrad to keep HOPE. I know I can do it. Today's presentation of student expectations didn't really scare me, but I know it's going to be a lot of hard work in order to do it. I might even have to read the books that they force me to purchase. But first, I better work on the longevity of my attention span, or I'm never going to get anywhere!

This past weekend, I made the trek back to Perry for a couple of days. I hadn't been home since February, so it was a nice little retreat. I hung out with Amy Harris, ran into Anne Adams, and I drank beer at the high school with Kit, Jojo, and Jud. Good times in P-town (surprisingly). Maybe if I stay away as long as possible, then the trek back won't be so painful. Which reminds me - since Jamie Wood invited everyone and their mother to her wedding, I've decided that we should have a little throw-down afterwards so that everyone can hang out! I'm thinking of the Tavery, but we'll see! The wedding is June 24th, so if you're planning on going, you definitely have to get drunk with us after the reception! More good times in P-town!

Alright, I have school tomorrow, and my eyelids are heavy in spite of the fact that my energy levels haven't quite dwindled, but I'm going to attempt sleep anyway. Love y'all!

So this is the real world...

2006-05-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

First of all, I wanna apologize to every person that I cried all over on Friday night (and for dropping my drink and splattering everyone!) I was a bit of a basketcase, but what can I say? Leaving Athens sucked! But, Augusta has been alright so far and I'm adjusting well. Kit warned me to not think too much about this transition, but what he doesn't know is that I've always done really well with change. Do I like it? Absolutely not. But I have a resiliency about me that makes it easy for me to get through the transitions that life brings, so I'm really ok! I just miss everyone.....

The AUG (as I've affectionately named it) is definitely different than Athens. Four years ago when I left Perry for Athens, I thought I was going out into the real world. Yeah right! Athens was a great first place to move away from home to. Everything in the city caters to college kids, and you can't beat downtown Athens! There's constant entertainment, and you're constantly surrounded by kids your own age, thus making it very easy to meet people. Within the first week, I'd already developed a mini-network of friends to go to the dining hall with, hang out with, and to turn to with questions. I've currently been in the AUG for 4 days and I have yet to meet anyone in my complex that's my age. There were kids running around the pool when I got here, and there's a playground right next to the tennis courts. I'm used to spring breakin' it by the pool at River Club, and I'm definitely not used to hear children squeal with glee outside my apartment window. Yes, Johnny, I think I'm in the real world now...

Needless to say, I'm anxious to go to orientation and meet some people in my class and hopefully make some friends quick. I am very thankful for Paige and Jonathan who have warmly taken me in since I've been here. I've realized that I'm pretty lucky to be close with a couple of people in this city; my roommates don't really know anyone at all! Familiar faces are always comforting after a hard day, and relying on JP is going to be awesome. I'm very grateful for them.

So, all in all, I'm doing alright. There's no place like Athens, but luckily for me, it's a mere hour and a half drive, and I know some people who would gladly let me stay on their couch, so it's nice knowing I can always retreat back and remember the good ole days in the ATH. Until then, I'll be chillin in the AUG...

Hope everyone is doing well! Congrats to everyone graduating! I love y'all!

"So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left...in Athens."
~1 Thessalonians 3:1

Ice cream and pickles....

2006-05-03T01:28:00.001-05:00

....is my current snack of choice, and, no, I'm not pregnant. That's just what happens when you're about to move and are trying to clean out your refrigerator to avoid wasting food. There are, after all, starving kids in China...

My blog has been sucking it up lately. No comments on the past three blogs = sad times. Kit says that it's because I need shorter paragraphs and happier subjects. History shows that my best writing comes out when I'm depressed, thus explaining why most of my blogs reflect my mood. What can I say? When something exciting happens, I'd rather go celebrate (aka drink Corona) than sit down and write a blog. But I guess I'll work on that. As for the short paragraphs......well, you all know that I'm a flowery writer, thus explaining the extensive babble. But, if shorter paragraphs will convince more people like Jonathan to read my blog, then I'll give it a shot. So, I will now stop babbling....

(new paragraph)

I'm pretty sad about moving. In fact, I'm not going to talk about it because everytime I start thinking about it, the tears threaten to come flooding down. So, in a beat of optimism, my good friend Paige who currently lives in Augusta was recently accepted into MCG's respiratory therapy program (selected as one of 9 out of 62 applicants....wha-what!) and she'll be in the same building as me at MCG. I think that's God's way of taking care of me....it's gonna be ok! (yay, happiness!)

Vegas was pretty amazing, and I had an oober good time with my bro! He's truly amazing! I found out that he is scheduled to go to Iraq in May 2007 (assuming that we are still in conflict). I can't say that I'm nervous about this because I've just never been one to freak out about stuff like this, but I still asked Willie how he felt about it, and his answer was more admirable than I would've imagined it to be. He said, "ya know what people don't understand about those of us who are joining the military right now in a time of conflict? They don't realize that we were once the little boys who played with our GI Joes with dreams of becoming a soldier one day. Sure, anybody could easily enlist in the military during a time of peace, but we are the ones who signed up knowing that we could be put in the middle of the conflict, and as scary as it is, we want to go over there because we'll finally be able to live out our dream. I don't understand why there are Americans out there who want to take that away from us." Whoa! Feed off that you liberal ass pieces of shit! I think that instead of wanting to bring the troops home, the liberals and anybody else in our country that's against the war should just shut the hell up and go bury their heads in the sand because they just don't understand what it's like to have the courage enough to fight for America, thus giving them no reason to hang their heads high. I don't know about y'all, but my heroes wear camouflauge!

Oops, that was a long paragraph. Forgive me.....but yeah, Vegas was a blast. And Dean, I want you to know that I ate at In-N-Out, Carl's Junior, Jack in the Box, and Bob's Big Boy. :) (aren't I a brat?!)

Ok, that's enough for now. I love y'all! And if anyone is looking at an incredibly boring Saturday with nothing to do, you are MORE THAN WELCOME to come help me move (hint-hint-wink-wink-nudge-nudge!) :)

Until next time....

"wine me, booze me, sex me"
~Kit trying to get in with the Grey's Anatomy lingo. And he's convinced that it'll work better than "Pick me, choose me, love me." haha

"Life at best is bittersweet..."

2006-04-24T00:16:00.001-05:00

So, it's official: I've signed my lease and will be moving to Augusta on May 6th. As excited as I should be about this, I find myself dreading the date of departure to the point where this bittersweet change in my life is tasting more and more bitter. I know that it's human nature to resist change, but how do you go from a great college town like Athens to a city like Augusta where your sole purpose will be to go to school and study (because that's all I'm going to have time to do thanks to the high expectations presented by the MCG DPT department)? It's kind of funny because while it's been in my plan to go to PT school since the day I changed my major from computer science to exercise and sports science, actually going seems kind of crazy. I mean, who is insane enough to give me a doctorate so that society has to address me as Dr. Gray?? I know I can get through the program (school has always been my thing and as much as it sucks, I'm the master of figuring this shit out) but sometimes, it just seems almost dumb that I'm choosing an environment where my social stimulation will be restricted by time I don't have and that being able to go downtown and unwind will not be an option. I mean, y'all know me...do I seriously seem like someone with enough discipline to be a doctor? Who knows, but this is the path I've chosen, and I'm finally taking the next step. Is it a dream come true? Not so much. I never doubted I would get where I am right now, I'm just not so sure that I'll be able to find someone that's going to be able to keep up with me. But then again, maybe I won't be the black sheep (let's pray that they admitted someone just as nuts as I am!) Either way, I'm thankful to have Jonathan and Paige to appreciate me on my bad days. It's just going to take some time and a lot of funny looks before the rest of these people accept the fact that I'm a little crazy......

Needless to say, I've found myself wondering why I opted to go with the 3 and a half year program as opposed to the 5-6 year program that most UGA students choose. Athens is a unique college town in that everything was built around UGA simply to cater to college students. Why didn't I milk it for all it's worth? I definitely got a lot out of the past 4 years that I've been an Athenian, but letting go is going to be one of the hardest things ever. Hell, we have alumni that come back and still pretend to be college students. Maybe some people never let go. And maybe we don't have to. After all, this experience has really played a huge roll in who I've become. Athens was my "Red Dirt Road" (where I drank my first beer...where I found Jesus...etc.) Depending on who you talk to, some people go to college get their MRS degree/find their wife, some people come seeking to find their true selves, and some come to learn every detail of every subject that their professors waste time lecturing on and spend countless number of hours in the library absorbing as much useless information as they can. Then there's the rest of us who come just to get through it and just so happen to find ourselves on the way while learning some useful things that we'll take with us in the next chapter. My mold is more solid thanks to Athens, and, while I'm not done growing by any means, I honestly think my roots are a little deeper here than they are in Perry. Perry came with too many cushions to fall on. For example, I got in trouble with some of my friends senior year and was taken to court, almost arrested, and ended up having to hire a lawyer to negotiate a deal to keep me out of trouble. Mom was there to pick up the tab (around $1500) and fight my battles for me. In Athens, however, I had a run-in with the ACC Police on my 20th birthday, and $400 later, my record was still clean thanks to my ability to responsibly handle the trouble I got myself into. The point is, there were a lot of things I had to figure out for myself. I dealt with loneliness, grief, financial instability, weight issues, stress from school, car problems, plumbing/electricity problems, depression, hangovers, illnesses, and I did it all on my own with friends/family to fall back on during occasional hardships that I needed help with. I've grown more in the past 4 years than I have in my 22 years on this earth which explains why leaving the place that I've seemingly conquered is complemented by a deep heartache. I've accomplished a lot, and now I have to start over. And I know I can do it, I just not so sure I'm ready to. But, I guess I have no choice, now do I?

I'm entering Augusta with more strength than I've had my whole life and with Athens in my heart. That makes it easier to "move on", but that doesn't mean I'll be dry-eyed when I exit the Athens City Limits on Highway 78 towards the uncertainty Augusta holds. Luckily for me, I have 2 more weeks to live in denial, and you better believe that I'm going to be living it up! In the meantime, I'll be praying for a little cushioning to get me through this inevitable change.

Until next time....I love y'all!

“Moving on is a simple thing; what it leaves behind is hard.”

Sex in the Classic City

2006-04-10T21:51:00.001-05:00

So, I read this article in the "Sex in the Classic City" section of last Friday's Red and Black, and, sadly, I think that the author, whom I've always found to be a bit chauvinistic, is absolutely right. I guess I can't blame him for the general tendencies of the male population in Athens, but I'm still rather disgusted by the truths revealed in this article. Basically, the article considers discrepancies across genders of expectations for potential significant others during the infancy of a relationship. You'll have to read the article for yourself because I'm too lazy to plot out all the points for ya, but sadly, I've realized that by trying to maintain high standards and retain reasonable expectations, I've fallen in the trap that ultimately leads to an even harder fall for girls when things don't work out. Damn.

The article notes that, "a girl wears a crush like a ring and therefore believes that a guy with a genuine crush should devote his undivided attention to her alone." Well, isn't it true that a guy really isn't that into you if he can't be exclusive? The societal norms in Athens (or any college town for that matter) suggest that if a guy hangs out with a girl too often, he might smother her, seem too needy or desperate, or it might ruin his chances with other prospects. But because of a guy's biological need for female interaction, he must spend limited time with multiple girls until something flourishes into a full-blown, exclusive relationship. Basically, it just means that all guys around here are just a bunch of players, and I really would love to know how many real relationships ever come about using this dating method because if the method has been proven to be faulty, perhaps I can stop being so damn hard on myself!

Is it so wrong for a girl to expect your undivided attention, especially if she's willing to give you hers? Aren't relationships about reciprocity? I'm the first to admit that when interested in a guy who shows any interest in me, I immediately start looking towards the immediate and long-term future to prepare to spend time with him and to make sure that our circumstances will provide ample nourishment towards our potential relationship. The slightest things run through my head like, "I need to sweep my bathroom floor, wash my sheets, shave my legs, and have gum in my purse at all times," and then further down the line, you have to consider bigger things like, "well, Statesboro is only an hour and a half from where I'm going to be in Augusta which isn't too bad," or "well, he's going to be in the Bahamas all summer working on sailboats which basically means I won't get to see or talk to him very much, if at all." Of course, I usually don't let these things dictate my decision to pursue the relationship (I'm an idiot like that) but it's at least nice to be prepared I guess. Women are planners - would you expect anything less? Apparently, this ultimately expedites the inevitable let-down because no matter how much chemistry you have with a guy, knowing that he isn't giving you his undivided attention ruins any plans that we might have made. Therefore we are left to try again........and again........and again.

There are guys in this town who aren't governed by these callow rules (I know this first hand...my roommates date these guys...gag.) I sure as hell haven't found a guy that hasn't been willing to play games, so fortunately for me, I'm getting out of here in hopes of having better luck in the future. Let's just hope that these rules don't continue to haunt me, because I suck at the game and I'm tired of playing!

Until next time.....love you guys!

“You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.”
~Elbert Hubbard

"Eventually all the pieces fall into place; until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason."

2006-04-04T20:30:00.001-05:00

You know people should really pay me to help them get over heartache because I'm getting pretty damn good at it! haha...

But seriously, I understand all too well why it didn't work out, and I'm honestly ok. I mean, yeah I got pretty drunk last night and I might have booked a plane ticket to Vegas in the midst of my inebriation (oops!) but I think I've already done a good job picking myself up. At this point, all I'm focused on is having a damn good time for the month I have left here, and then it'll be time to start over and the thought of getting out of here is refreshing! I mean, I'll miss this place, but I'm ready for something new, and I'm ready for time to let my heart heal. I've not done a very good job of guarding my heart, so I'm going to focus on the fun times to come, and I know that one day, it's all going to work EXACTLY how it's supposed to. I'm sticking with good thoughts: I know I'm amazing, and therefore, God has someone even more amazing out there for me, and He's preparing him for me so that I'll never have to know what a broken heart feels like again! And you better believe I'm going to rock his world! In the meantime, I get to eat a lot of ice cream and not feel bad about it...

...and, well, it looks like I'm going to Vegas and my little brother is going to show me the ropes! That should be interesting.....

Anywho, love you guys!

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life..." ~Proverbs 4:23

Getting the healing done...

2006-03-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

"Who is Matt?? "
"You're in a relationship?!?!"
"Why is it complicated??"

These are some of the most recent questions that people have been asking me, but unfortunately, I'm at a loss for how to explain the situation. Basically, I've found myself in the same predicament that I've been in with every other guy that I've "dated" (I use that term loosely) for the past 3 years. You know how it goes...things are great, everything's going my way, then he falls off the face of the earth and I automatically interpret it as he's just not that into me. I desperately try to replenish whatever harm I might have done, but it's usually pretty unsuccessful. Then things just go downhill. If you know me at all, you know how pessimistic and skeptical I get in these situations. And you also know how much it brings me down. What gives?

Matt promised to never leave me hanging, and technically, I guess he hasn't. I watched him give a lot of respect to his ex-girlfriend by making sure that they ended on good terms by being completely honest with her. Why wouldn't he give me that same respect? Right? My biggest error in this situation is that I've stereotyped Matt with every other guy that's let me down. No one else ever gave me the closure that I so wish that I could have had. There were never any explanations, and I never got any answers. It just faded into nothing, and I got over it. So having not talked to Matt since Sunday has me on edge and assuming that it's over.

But why?

Because the wounds of my past haven't healed, and they are ultimately shaping my current expectations and dictating the outcome of the situation before I even get the chance to see if it will work.

My sister-in-law, Mischa, started reading "Captivating" (you can find references to this book in the January 2006 archives) and she's encouraged me to re-read the book with her so that we can discuss it together. I'll admit, I've been slacking lately, but last night, in looking for some sort of inspiration to calm my on-edge nerves, I read 3 chapters and found answers to questions that had been scrolling through my head. Here's what I realized:

1) the reason that my "relationships" never fabricate into anything real is because I never give them the chance. My bleeding heart attracts the same kind of results because the outcome has already been pre-determined by my attitude. Therefore, the only way to let God give me the desires of my heart is by first letting Him into my heart to heal my wounds. Once I can fully let go of the past, my attitude will change and I can accomplish all the things that I have been dreaming about.
2) the reason that God continually lets me thwart my relationships is because He knows how much they mean to me. School and work don't mean as much to me as my family and relationships do; therefore, when it comes to relationships, He lets me fall as far as I need to until I remember how much I need His blessing. There's a very big void in my heart that was deepened even more after I lost Daddy. It's easy for a guy like Matt to fill that void because he's such a sweet, amazing guy, but Matt can't be the one to fill that void; God is the only one that can heal my heart in the way that I really need. Therefore, He capitalizes on my impatience, my aggressiveness, and my passion for wanting a relationship so bad by ultimately letting me destroy all my chances. As a result, I find myself at the bottom, and He's the only thing that can bring me out of my despair. In order to avoid this, I have to figure out a way to let God stay in my heart while letting myself fall in love with someone else. I've never been one to have my heart go in more than one direction which is a good thing most of the time, but I have to love God the way that He wants me to. Otherwise, He's going to keep knocking on my heart until I finally let Him back in, even if it means forcing someone else out.
3) Relationships aren't a fairytale. Life is way too complicated and demanding for me to be able to live a fairytale relationship no matter how much a person loves me. Just because I would make someone my number one priority doesn't mean that others have that luxury. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. Personally, I would put off an hour of studying to talk to someone special or stay up all night long, sacrificing sleep to spend time with someone. I'm sure there are plenty of people that can vouch for me here. That's just me though. I can get by with little to no sleep, and school - well, it comes naturally to me anyway and I'm pretty good at bullshitting my way through tests which compensates for my lack of studying. So even though I would like to think that someone who liked me enough would be willing to make the same sacrifices, I have to remember that not everyone is like me. Therefore, I can't be selfish by jumping to conclusions when things don't go my way. Afterall, they might be doing everything that they possibly can.

Mischa really whooped me into shape yesterday. Sometimes, I'm sorry that I'm not close enough to my mom to let her be my relationship mentor, but I'm very grateful for Mischa because she's really stepped into the role, and I can always count on her to be boldly honest with me. She gives me the faith that I lack when my overzealous, pessimistic attitude dominates my thoughts, and she presents new perspectives which I'm starting to find to be very feasible. So thanks Mama Mischa.

As for what happens next, I have no idea. I've never been good at figuring out how to bring someone back when I've practically pushed them away by nagging them and giving them a hard time when truth is, they were probably doing all that they could. Over time, they aren't very receptive to any attempt I make to revive things. But then again, maybe there's nothing to revive in this situation, and I'm just listening to my heart which is not such a smart thing considering how incredibly broken it has stayed for the past 3 years. Matt told him me to trust him, and even though I can't find a single reason to do so, I'm shoving my skepticism and pessimism in the corner and choosing to believe that with time, I will be healed and we'll be able to work things out. So Matt, if you ever read this, I just want you to know how incredibly sorry I am for the way I've been acting, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to try to understand my pain and acknowledge my attempt to better my attitude. I trust you, I trust what you said, and I'm just going to give you room to breathe until you figure things out. I just really hope that it's sometime soon...

So who is Matt?? He's an awesome guy that I've been getting to know for the past month.
Am I in a relationship?? No, and I just hope that I've figured things out before I blew my chances.
Why is it complicated?? Because I make them that way. And if things don't work out, then I only have myself to blame, but at least this time I truly learned something, and I will let my heart heal before I set out with the same pre-determination I've always had.

Again, thanks for listening....I really love you guys!

"Down those old ancient streets
Down those old ancient roads
Baby there together we must go
Till we get the healing done."
~Van Morrison

Early morning rant...

2006-03-29T14:18:00.001-05:00

Sitting in the Chicago-O’Hare airport an hour and a half early for my 8:45 am flight while staring at the overcast skies through the big window and listening to somber songs on my iPod isn’t exactly helping my already sour mood. For one, I abhor airports. It doesn’t matter how good a trip is, having to go home usually sucks, and for me, the airport has always been the venue that reintroduces me to reality which isn’t very promising considering how dismal airports are. To top it off, my feet are full of blisters from walking around Chicago all day yesterday in heels (yeah, what the hell was I thinking?!) AND I haven’t really slept in 3 days. Sigh, it’s only 7:37 and I think it’s time for a nap…….

My trip to Chicago was great! Mischa took me to the city and I was finally able to visit the Art Institute of Chicago to indulge in the paintings of Gauguin, Monet, Manet, Van Gogh, Picasso, and some others. I’m not really pretending to be sophisticated here – thanks to Mrs. Lee’s AP English class senior year, I’ve really developed an appreciation for Impressionist art. After we had a nice lunch, we walked up Michigan Avenue to “shop” in Coach, Burberry, AX, Tiffany’s, Guess, etc. Of course we didn’t really buy anything (having to fix my car last week left me broke, not that I could afford any of it to begin with) but it’s always interesting to go in those stores and see who’s pretending like they have money (like me) or who actually can afford the heinous yellow Burberry jacket that ran for $745. I did get kind of excited when we were in the Coach store and the employees looked at us as though we were actually prospective patrons. Maybe one day….

And of course, hanging out with Dean was awesome as always. We played cards with some of Dean and Mischa’s friends who were kind of amazed by how similar mine and Dean’s personalities are, especially considering the fact that we really didn’t grow up together. It’s just nice to know that in spite of all the turmoil I face, I can always call him up and know that somehow, he’ll understand. We had fun being ridiculous together. We went to the mall and spent an hour or so in the arcade which I haven’t done in YEARS! It’s so funny how much smaller those skee-ball tables look these days and how much my skills have improved with age. It was kind of fun giving our tickets away to kids who were just DYING to cash in enough tickets to get the disfigured, cross-eyed stuffed bear from the prize counter. Ah, to be a kid again…

So, as I mentioned, I haven’t slept in like 3 days. Part of the reason is because my nephew’s Boston terrier, Peavey, slept with me, and he likes to borough under the covers which made me a little nervous because I was scared that I was either going to kick the crap out of him or just smother him to death under the layers of blankets. The bigger part of the reason, however, is because I realized that I’m losing my comfort zone. Prior to and during my trip, I’ve been trying to figure out living arrangements for when I start school at MCG in May. I was counting on my friend, Jaclyn’s, acceptance to be my bulwark for the new experiences I would be faced with, but after being placed on the waiting list, she’s opted to go to State instead which means that I’m going into this whole thing without anyone really knowing me at all. Additionally, having been spoiled with awesome roommates in my undergraduate career, I’ve realized that there’s a very slim chance I’m going to be able to accomplish the same companionship with new roommates which brings about the fear of being lonely. PT school isn’t going to be a very easy endeavor, and not knowing that I’ll have someone reliable to lean on through it all scares the hell out of me! And, of course, to top it all off, my financial resources aren’t coming together so nicely which means that I’ll probably have to take out more loans than I thought which ought to built my debt up rather nicely. I know that everything’s going to work out, I’m just very nervous about it right now which explains the sleep deprivation, lack of appetite, and overall uneasy feeling. But, I guess we’ll just have to see what I can come up with….

AND to top THAT off, I haven’t talked to Matt in two days which exacerbates my nervousness. Maybe by the time I make it back to Athens, my exhaustion will have caught up with me so that I can pass out as soon as possible. Then I can dream about being a little kid again in the arcade without a care in the world…

Thanks for listening…..love y’all!

Pictures/updates

2006-03-20T00:48:00.001-05:00

I need to post something, but I'm fresh out of thoughts. Why? I don't really know. For one, the drama in my life has been petty and juvenile which hasn't stimulated any sort of interesting, new ideas. I've also found that having my mind spin at a million miles an hour is just......well, dumb. As skeptical as I am and with as pessimistic as I can be in my darker moments, I've found that in spite of it all, remembering that things have ALWAYS been ok in the end makes it easy to keep my chin up. My thoughts just complicate things. God is an orderly God; therefore, things always make sense whether or not we understand them. Since the pen is in His hand, I'm extremely confident that there will be a happy ending. Trusting God helps shape our hearts, and with as mangled and battered as my heart has been lately, it's been very healthy for me to just take it in stride and know that it's gonna work out, it's going to be ok, and I will find the desires of my heart.

Until then, I'm just living it up! :)

My bday was amazing....I basically got to do all of my favorite things including spending all day with my friends and we had a blast. We went to dinner at DePalma's (yum!) and then we went out on the town. We also went to church, Chicken Express for lunch, a bball game, and played some softball. It was just an overall good day! :)

Half of the crew at DePalma's...

The other table....they had to split us up :( I was really happy that Melissa came to town (right) and of course I love my roommate (Kristen) and Matt's always been a favorite friend! :)

Zach, Rob, Jen and I at Boar's Head. We were all feeling pretty good at this point! ;)

Emily, Kirsten, and Kristen came out too... fun times!

And then last weekend.......well, it was pretty interesting. I went to Statesboro/Savannah for St. Patty's Day and to hang out with friends. I've never seen so much green in my life! I was surprised by how festive everyone was, but I guess when there's a holiday that gives people an excuse to drink, then what the hell?? right?? :)

Jen, Zach, Tori, and I hangin out at the Hilton DeSoto in downtown Savannah. I really wish the stupid guy from Knoxville, TN hadn't ruined my picture. I always knew there was something wrong with Vols fans, but isn't Zach a cute little leprechaun? haha...

Going anywhere with these girls is always a guaranteed good time! Aren't we all hott?? :) Oh, and please notice Zach trying to get in the middle of our picture....such a stud!

So yeah, there's your update. :) I love you guys!

"It's all gonna be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end...."

Little moments....

2006-03-05T23:30:00.001-05:00

Hmmm...I still have 30 minutes left of my birthday, and while it has been one heck of a long day, I've enjoyed every minute of it. I am, however, going to take a minute to reflect on the changes that occurred in the past year.

21 was definitely not a good year from me. I spent a majority of my 21st year grieving the loss of my father, and in these last passing minutes of today, I was reminded of how much I miss him. I remember a year ago today, I sat in my apartment surrounded by friends from out of town who had dropped everything that they were doing to come to Athens to help me celebrate. My birthday was great last year, but in the midst of the million phone calls I recieved, I recalled hoping that my caller ID would say "Daddy" before the day was over. At this point, 4 or 5 months had passed without recieving a call from him. He was out of town the previous Christmas, and while he talked to my little brother on Thanksgiving, my conversation with him would have to wait because he didn't have time to catch up. Therefore, I was so hopeful that he would call on my birthday and not forget.

He didn't call.

I was so incredibly sad to the point where I was angry. I mean, this was my Daddy. Surely he could make time to call me on my birthday, right?

I called my mom in tears and vented to her about how disappointed I was. Then I proceeded to get drunk and forget about it. He called me the next day, but I was still too angry to talk to him, so his voicemail was the only thing I got from him for my 21st birthday, and it was a day late. Hell, my card even got lost in the mail.

Those memories hurt because they portray my father as some kind of "deadbeat dad" which he absolutely was not. Long distance relationships are hard because the truth to the matter is that life happens and it gets in the way sometimes. In this particular instance, I was too stubborn to even take whatever time he was able to offer me. Now, I know that answering my phone, even if it was one day late, would have been one more conversation we could have had. But now, I'll never get it back.

The reason for this reflection is because one of the biggest things I've learned from this experience is to cherish as many little moments as you can with the people God has blessed into your life. I went to dinner last night with some of the most amazing friends I've ever had, and being surrounded by them absolutely made my day! And not just today because it was my birthday, but everyday! I have met so many great people in my 22 years here, and I wish that I could be a part of each and every one of their lives in the future, but I know that would never be possible. It's so hard to keep up with so many people. Sometimes, I wish I could just have my own little town and let all of my friends and family live there so that I could keep up with everyone. Instead, I just make it a point to cherish what I have and live for the little moments that pull on my heart strings and leave me with "that" feeling inside. When I think about one of them, I call them. When I appreciate something about them, I compliment them. When I'm thankful for them, I tell them. And when I remember that I am so blessed to have them in my life, I let them know that I love them. Life doesn't have to get in the way, and doing what you can is the best way to live so that later, when they aren't there anymore, you don't have to wonder if they left this world wondering how you really felt.

Thanks for a great birthday you guys! I love y'all a whole big heap!

"Yeah I live for little moments when he steals my heart again and doesn't even know it.
Yeah I live for little moments like that..."
~Brad Paisley

"I'm giving up on love cause love has given up on me..."

2006-03-01T16:02:00.001-05:00

You know why I like blogs? Because it's a cool way to network ideas, thus allowing us to open our minds to different perspectives and explore new thoughts. This journey we call "life" has way too many twists, thus calling for a little bit of understanding to help cushion our falls, and what better way to seek understanding than by broadcasting our ideas and opening our hearts to new interpretations from the people that we've come to respect the most?

Interestingly enough, Kit's friend, Ln, has started somewhat of an epidemic by posing a rather profound question and challenging us to delve deep into our own experiences when constructing our answers. The question at hand: Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all??

Kit chose the ladder and I think he backed up his answer very well and provided a lot of good premises towards his side of the debate. Sadly, I concurred. I tried to fight this agreement because, as Kit noted, it's not romantic in a woman's eyes by any stretch of the imagination to prefer not to love, but I had no recent personal recollections that could fend for the former side of the argument. So, yes, I would have preferred to never have loved at all.

I know that this seems absolutely ludicrous, but in order to have the good outweigh the bad, it becomes necessary to have shared a deep connection with someone that left butterflies lingering in your stomach. For me, any butterfly that I was given was squished by neglect and dishonesty. I've been strung along and let down to the point where all the experiences over the past 3 years have been slurred into one big disappointment. And that pretty much sucks, so why the hell should I even bother? Because I know what it's like to love....

Think about it: if you (girls) had never ever shaved your legs, would it bother you to have leg hair that was half an inch long? No, because you wouldn't know any different. And guys, if you had never had sex before in your life, would it bother you so much that you weren't getting laid? No, because you would have never awakened the sexual beast inside of you that is unfortunately always hungry.

If I didn't know what it was like to love, then would it bother me that I sit alone most nights wishing my phone would ring? Would it bother me that I didn't have someone special to call besides my family and best friend to share my excitement with when I got into MCG? And would it bother me that I didn't have someone to hug at the end of a bad day to make me feel better?

No. But, I do know what it's like to have the affections of an amazing person, and just being able to remember how wonderful it feels is painful enough to make me want it more.

I don't mind waiting on the person that God is going to give to me, but in the mean time, I wish I had nothing good to remember so that I wouldn't know what I was really missing. I'd prefer to have never loved at all.....

Take care you guys! Love you....

"I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad.
Life aint hard but it’s too long to live it like some country song.
Trade the truth in for a lie, cheating really aint a crime.
I’m giving up on love cause love’s given up on me"
~Kerosene, Miranda Lambert

It's been a while...

2006-02-24T00:17:00.001-05:00

Thanks, Staisha, for noticing the lack of attention I've given my blog lately. I started writing a couple of posts, but nothing seemed really insightful, and, well, I guess it's because I haven't been taking the overanalytical route lately with the things that have been going on around here. I realized that in getting down to the nitty gritty with everything, I was missing the big picture. As profound as it is, everything happens for a reason, and, well, everything's going to work out the way that they are supposed to regardless of whether or not I understand them. Thusly, it's important to remember that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart, and because He's painting the picture of my life, every stroke is ultimately going to lead to a beautiful masterpiece where I know I'll be happy. And, that's all that really matters.

So, while my mind has definitely slipped into the right lane and started driving a little under the speed limit, there's still been a lot going on. Life's almost been like a soap opera that you watch on TV purely for entertainment purposes. You know....like the ones that don't really leave any profound thoughts lingering or any emotions pulling on your heart strings....you just simply think to yourself, "huh...well that was pretty good" and then you go to bed. Needless to say, things have been colorful and interesting which his good because it means that I'm not too bored. That's definitely a good thing. So yeah, here's what's been going on (not in chronological order):

"Into every life, some paradise must fall..." Probably the most exciting thing to happen to me recently is that I was accepted into the Medical College of Georgia, so in May, I'll be packing up, leaving Athens for Augusta, and starting PT school there on May 16th. I'M STOKED! I'm pretty excited about the change of scenery, getting to see some new faces, and working towards my professional degree so that I can eventually get my career underway. MCG was definitely my first choice, so I'm pretty damn proud of myself. It seems like the only thing that I really have going for me at all times are my academic endeavors, so I'm not scared to step out of my modest habits to brag a little. YAY ME!

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..." So Saturday morning at around 4:15 am (I was actually still awake from a night of drinking, haha!) my younger brother rolled out of Perry with his own car insurance policy, the car registered in his name, his own health insurance, and all of his bills independent from my parents. He's headed to his first assignment at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas (yeah, how ridiculous of an assignment is that?!?!) I'm.......well, kind of jealous. Not just because he's going to Vegas, but because he has the resources to be financial independent from my parents whereas I'm filling out financial aid stuff and still claiming myself as their dependent. I can only dream for the day that I don't have to feel guilty for my parents having to support me, and I know that they are willing to do it, but I wish I didn't have to be their burden. I am, however, incredibly proud of my brother, and if you guys get a chance, say a quick prayer for him. He's nervous as hell as I'm sure we can all relate to. He's going to a place on the other side of the country where he will know no one and have to fend for himself. And he's only 19. He'll be fine, but a little prayer wouldn't hurt. Thanks guys! :)

"What hurts the most is being so close..." I am formally declaring this spring "Break Up Season." Why? Because most of my friends are seniors in college and inevitably preparing to face the real world which, for some reason, makes them feel pressured to either get engaged/married to their significant others, or to just call it quits as they deny the maturing that they will ultimately be forced to do. IT'S CRAZY! I've secretly been glad that I'm single the past couple of weeks, because unfortunately, most kids are choosing the ladder which has me consoling numerous broken hearts. Personally, I don't see why there has to be a decision to make, and it saddens me that so many people are opting to throw in the towel. I do know, however, that if it was meant to be, then it would've happened, so maybe it's all for the best....

"Make new friends but keep the old..." So, I got back in touch with an old friend from the past, and we've been in the process of catching up on life from the past 10 or so years. Ryan and I went to elementary school and daycare together back in the day, and we were pretty inseparable. I was his best friend because I was the best at kickball, and he was my best friend because in my 8-year-old little heart, I wanted to marry him. Ah, good times....he moved to Warner Robins when I was about 12, and we lost touch although our mothers would run into each other on the base, so I got occasional updates. I am so glad to have him back in my life, and I had breakfast with him in Atlanta a couple weekends ago on the way to pick my bro up from the airport, and it's just been fun to reminisce about old times. It's just funny to me how some people will always and forever keep a special place in your heart. Ryan's an awesome guy, and I'm just happy that we found each other again! :)

"We're adults. When did that happen, and how do we make it stop?" I've been feeling pretty old lately and I've been coming up with reasons that I feel this way. Here's my list so far:
You know you're getting old when...
1. Staying home in your PJ's and watching Sex and the City reruns or movies is much more appealing than going out.
2. When you do go out, your drunk food gives you more problems in the morning than the hangover you got from being drunk.
3. Walking through Firehouse in downtown Athens is like walking through your past, and you can't help but think about how stupid you used to be.
4. You recieve furniture for your birthday and cards with no money in it.
5. Working out at maximum intensity leaves you crippled the next day.
6. You just can't do somersaults like you used to.
7. You realize that too much cleaveage isn't going to get you much respect.
8. You see 18 year olds downtown and comment on their lack of clothing.
9. Wearing button-up shirts as opposed to tube tops downtown is ok.
10. You go to bars where you don't have to be around too many people and you can just sit and chill. You might not even stay until last call.
11. Going out two nights in a row is a standing record.
12. You start building your professional wardrobe.
13. You have get togethers where you work on your resumes.
14. You let some of your piercings heal so that you look professional.

I could probably go on some more, but these are the major ones. I am, however, grateful for the fact that with as stupid as I was a mere 1-2 years ago, we had one helluva time and I have some great experiences that I hope I can keep concealed from my kids in the future! :)

"if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous..." Don't know why, but the confidence has been soaring and I've been pretty happy with myself lately. It hasn't gotten me anything (yet) but it's been an awesome feeling. I don't think I'm really looking for anything right now anyway. I'm content with just me, and I'm looking forward to the future. I think where I am right now is a great place to be. :) And that's pretty awesome....

Ok, so I think that's all the episodes I've had lately. Enjoy the update, and take care! Love you guys!

Stupid Cupid

2006-02-12T19:03:00.001-05:00

So...I really hate, and I stress HATE, Valentine's Day. It just bothers me, and not because I'm single. I was in a relationship for 5 straight Valentine's Days in high school/beginning of college, and my hatred still prevails. And I don't really know why. I just know that it's absolute bullshit that they created a holiday so that social pressures force guys to live up to the expectations that they should be fulfilling year-round. And even still, most of them still fail to make their significant other happy just because there's so much pressure for them to make the day perfect. The slightest glitch ruins the entire day. I had to get my grandmother a birthday card yesterday, and while I was perusing, I literally watched this guy go through every freakin' valentine's card in search of the perfect one. On any other day of the year, he would have picked up the first one he read that sounded alright. The hype makes me want to throw up in my mouth, and I am secretly hoping to catch my roommate's bronchitis so that I can stay in bed all day tomorrow and not have to face the day at all. That would be my ideal Valentine's Day.

Wow, I sound pretty bitter huh? I can promise you that my hatred is totally independent of my relationship frustrations which, by the way, are actually at a minimum right now. Why? Cause I somehow managed to bust my "give a damn" again which is fine by me. I've realized that for me, "content" is a good place to be anymore. It keeps my face off the ground and keeps me from getting my hopes up. I'm just not going to worry about it. As Dean says, it's just going to happen. Why? Because I'm awesome. Remembering that does help me let things go. So yeah, for the present moment, my brain is not racing at 651381685416352416354 miles an hour with questions, thoughts, dreams, scenarios, etc....I'm just chillin and soaking it all in. It'll happen on God's time, and because I want His best, I'll let Him guide me. He'll tell me what to do.

So, how bout that episode of Grey's Anatomy last night? I think my heart flatlined when the bomb actually went off. I have absolutely fallen in love with this show! I bought Season 1 for myself for Valentine's Day (lasts longer than gerbera daisies which I would secretly love to get) so hopefully I'll be able to catch up on what I missed before I started watching. I absolutely love Meredith Grey. She tries to find meaning to the events that occur in her life so that she optimizes the wisdom she obtains from her experiences. I love that! And she's so strong.....must be a Gray/Grey thing, haha! If you don't watch the show, you really should start. It's a lot better than half the garbage we watch, and it's highly entertaining. I mean, who expected the bomb to explode in the midst of angelic music? That was awesome! (I sound like a guy or something...I mean, who else gets this excited because of an explosion? haha)

So yeah....I'm just blabbing. William comes home this weekend, so please pray that we will be able to see past our differences and truly enjoy each other's company. Other than that, I hope everyone has as pleasant of a Valentine's Day as possible, and if anyone wants to forget their sorrows, I'll be downtown tomorrow night! ;)

I love you guys!

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away."
~Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself...

2006-02-06T23:48:00.001-05:00

Is it possible to think yourself out of happiness?

I’m sure it is. Lord knows I think too much about everything, especially now. But that’s only because I have nothing better to do. For example, the two highlights of my day today were going to Crystal’s aerobics class and watching “The Bachelor.” I guess I’m just in a rut. As a self-driven, goal-oriented person, it’s so hard to find purpose to life right now because I’ve had to put everything on hold. I’m not actively working towards anything right now, thus leaving my intellectual stimulation at a minimum so that the only thing that I have to do is work on my problems. So yes, maybe I am thinking myself out of happiness.

Or maybe I’m thinking my way into happiness. Is it possible that with having nothing interesting to look forward to that I am perhaps succeeding in choosing to be happy regardless of the less-than-exciting status of my life right now? After all, being happy is the only goal that I can actually work towards right now. I have to say that last week was pretty good. My new outlook on bettering myself was truly invigorating, and I found that anytime I was faced with adversity, making a conscious decision to be optimistic wasn’t too hard.

Until Thursday.

I can’t really explain the overwhelming emotion that came over me. I couldn’t and still haven’t been able to shake it off, although I have decided that it was caused out of sheer disappointment. Disappointment in myself. And disappointment in people.

I’ve been asked numerous times over the past couple of weeks how it was possible that I was still single. I had a discussion with a fellow single friend the other night about possible answers, and the reason became very clear. You see, we live in Athens. Athens is about 70% female, and about 99% of those females are absolutely gorgeous! All a guy has to do is stick his hand out and he automatically has his fingers on a hot girl! No wonder most guys don’t want to settle! If I were a guy, I’d definitely want to try to date as many beautiful girls as I could. Thusly, the guys that actually do want to settle down are few and far between. Or they aren’t in Athens.

This said, how is it that our external circumstances still manage to dictate what we are able to accomplish? Shouldn’t our internal drive be the sole factor that influences our ability to change our status? Isn’t what my heart feels, believes, hopes, and fears supposed to determine what comes to fruition in my life?

Not necessarily. There are too many things that simply can’t invoke a change of heart or a change of mind no matter how hard you believe in them. Some people are too busy. Some people are too content. Some people are too scared. The distance is too far. The commitment is too much. There isn’t enough time.

How disappointing. But perhaps the most disappointing thing is that no matter how unwilling a person is to change their mind, they’ll never bow up and be honest with you about it. They’d rather string you along until they know for sure that there is, in fact, no place for you in their life. And then they conveniently disappear.

What happened to being honest with people? I’ve been through this process too many times before, and it never changes. The most amazing guy I dated treated me the same way as the worst guy, and that’s just……disappointing. I like to think that I have faith in people, but it’s quickly dwindling. Or maybe that’s just an Athens thing. Who knows?

So I’m disappointed in myself for having too much faith in people, for being too trusting, and for wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I also know that that’s the only way to get anything accomplished, so perhaps it becomes necessary to have a little more faith in myself. Hmm….

A couple weeks ago on “The Bachelor” one of the girls that got sent home said something that really stuck out in my head. She was talking about how hard it was to walk away from a failed relationship without feeling like there was something wrong with you or that you should have done something more or something less. It’s just an overall feeling of inadequacy, and it truly sucks. In spite of the circumstances, in spite of how wrong a guy is for you, it’s hard to not feel like there’s something more you have done or could have been.

I can’t shake the feelings that I have for the last person I dated even though I know he wants nothing to do with me. That will just take time. A long time (yes, I liked him THAT much.) But it is imperative that I remember that I’m a damn good catch. I have an education. I’m attractive. I’m tall. I have big boobs (hey some guys like that). I have a bright future. I’m fun. I like to have a good time. Some people think I’m funny. I’m passionate. I’m caring. I understand the importance of sacrifice and compromise. I’m not high maintenance. I like to watch football. I like to drink beer. I’m easy to please. And most importantly, I’m a damn good girlfriend! I just haven’t been given the chance to show how wonderful of a girlfriend I can be, and that’s ok. But I shouldn’t let anybody take that away from me.

Needless to say, I’m very anxious to figure out whether or not I got accepted to MCG so that I can start planning the next chapter of my life (hopefully in Augusta.) I’ve never been one that was very good with down time, and since I think I’m officially done obsessing about relationships for a while, Lord knows what I’m going to think about next. I just hope that I’ll be able to “think my way to happiness” and truly cherish the free time that I have left in Athens. With or without a boy.

Guess that’s all the babbling I can do for now. Love you guys…..

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Sex and the City

“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.”

2006-01-28T20:34:00.001-05:00

Ummm....yeah, I think I've had an epiphany.

So, I'm going to get straight to the point here. I was having a rather deep conversation with someone whom I barely know, and I don't think he even knows it, but he said something that might quite possibly lead to the inception of a new and better "Stacy." I hope that what I am about to explain makes sense, and while I'm not really in the mood to write, putting my thoughts into words will help me better understand the path that God has placed me on, and it will help me form a plan of action that will allow me to walk closer to God while allowing me to retain some control over my life a little better. And it will alleviate a lot of the turmoil I've been experiencing which is perhaps the most beneficial part. We don't like turmoil.

So this idea seems very simple at face value, but when you really think about it, the strides that a person must make in order to live in accordance with this idea does not come so easily. It has to do with change. People don't like change, or they expect change in the wrong form. If people are content with what they have and with the direction that their life is taking, then they prefer that things just stay as they are so as not to throw off their equilibrium. On the other hand, if people find themselves unhappy, then the only thing that they wish to change is their circumstances. Neither scenario, however, calls for the empowerment by the individual to grow. That said, it becomes true that the best sort of change must be internal because it will outweigh the challenges that are put on our plate so that we might be stronger tomorrow, thus providing for the betterment of ourselves.

Whoa.

So how does this apply to me? I've been through a lot in my life. I've always been ok, and I have always been grateful for the strength I've obtained throughout my struggles, but I don't think that any of the changing and growing I did as I met and defeated different challenges was due to a conscious decision to better myself, but rather, it came as a homeostatic response to help me endure the emotional turbulance I was faced with. And I was always able to find happiness in the worst situations, but that was due to my personality's tendency to focus on the brighter side of things. That's all well and good, but as with anything, our senses become more dull as we age which makes it harder to obtain homeostasis subconsciously, especially when life continues to pound on us as hard as it does. I'm not going to lie, it's been a while since I've been able to exude the same optimism that I had prior to coming to college. I thought it was because the quality of my life was dwindling (when, in fact, it wasn't....I just wasn't getting my way all the time, and I don't like that.) Seeing how things really are, I now realize that I must merely make more of a conscious effort to be happy. And I know that this isn't going to be easy. I'm a brat, and sometimes, I just want to pout. I don't want to be happy all the time. And sometimes, I just want to cry. But why?

I've decided that in order to optimize the happiness I hope to achieve, I have to let go of a lot of things in my past. Too often, I let the trials of my past resonate in my heart to give me some sort of justification as to why I don't have to be happy (wow, I'm such a brat!) This only hinders my development as a person. Ultimately, my goal is to change my circumstances by first changing my attitude. This means letting go of the horrible divorce that I was placed in the middle of almost 18 years ago.....being raised by my hard-hearted mother who never quite accepted me....the loneliness that came with being misunderstood....never having family around to show me the love and compassion I always yearned for....losing Randy....losing Daddy....my singleness....and all the insecurities that came with the pains of the past. Sure, I need to learn to guard my heart a little better, but I really feel like if I make a more valiant effort to be happy, even in the absolute worst situations, then my circumstances will change and I will be granted the desires of my heart. What a revelation!

This insight came with a few tears. I spent the better half of this afternoon sobbing into my pillow, but it felt good to let it all go. I just have to be sure to fight off whatever bitterness may be left, and while I am scared of having a few lapses, I think that if I stay on this road, I'm going to move towards better days because I'll be closer to God. That's what makes this new endeavor so exciting! Ah, sweet surrender.....

Thanks for listening you guys! I love y'all....

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
~Psalms 37: 4, 7

No place that far...

2006-01-23T20:50:00.001-05:00

I don't think I'm going to quit obsessing about relationships until God gives me somebody that will love me as unconditionally as He does. Until then, I guess I'm going to have to keep praying for Him to help me through the constant turbulance that plagues my heart, but I do know that only He knows what's best which is why I'm relying on Him to give me the discernment and direction I need so that I might follow in the plan that He has marked out for me. Surrendering myself to Him without letting my emotions rage has been pretty tough, but being angry with God isn't going to get me far. So, I'm choosing to stay positive in hopes that the outcome of my current situation will reflect the positive attitude I'm trying to uphold. This, unfortunately, is going to take time.

I'm sure some of you are silently rejoicing in the evident stalemate that has resulted from my most recent courtship. It somewhat saddens me that I lacked support from so many people, and I'll never understand the selfishness as I think it's kind of obvious how important of an endeavor this is to me. Pastor Carlos preached in church a couple of Sundays ago about how God uses our wants and desires to show us what we already have so that we can see how truly blessed we are. With the desires of my heart fully exposed, some of my most amazing friends stepped up and really cheered me on and prayed for me. For this, I am incredibly grateful, and your actions truly speak volumes. So thanks a lot you guys....you know who you are.

I've decided that in spite of the uncertainty on the other end of this potential relationship, I'm going to continue to fight. Why? Because I want it that bad. Love is blind, thus making it possible to want something so much that you completely lose track of all the rational thought processes that govern the decisions you make. I don't think this is me. I'm not completely oblivious to the dwindling phone calls or the lack of communication in general. I've caught on to the change of interest and doubt. And I understand where the fear is coming from and how inconvenient the distance is. However, this has been the first thing in a long time that has made my life make sense. I'm not saying that I'm going to be psycho about it, but I can't just let go of something that still has potential. Most relationships are opposed, and I think that the ones worth fighting for are worth all the time in the world. So if I have to wait, I can do it. I have to follow my heart on this one, and I truly feel like that’s what God wants me to do because by being patient, I'm proving how much I really trust God. So in spite of every pessimistic thought that I’ve had today and with as many tears that I cried last night, I refuse to give in to my frustrations and lack of patience. I just hope that God will help me to use the spark that’s still there to ignite a fire in his heart that will make the distance seem petty and the time worth the wait.

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep chillin’. After all, that’s about all that I really can do.

Keep praying for me you guys! I love y’all!

“Love doesn't hide. It stays and fights. It goes the distance, that's why love is so strong. So it can carry you all the way home.”

Enough

2006-01-20T00:34:00.001-05:00

Yep, in another one of those somber moods that has my mind wandering in places it should never go. Dammit!

I'm not really sure what my issue is tonight besides an influx of hormones that has my emotions flying all over the place. I think my feelings have fluctuated congruently with my basal body temperature, thus making it essential to note that by tomorrow morning, life will probably be sunshine and rainbows again. So please heed my warning as I go on this pessimistic rampage.

I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Not the personal relationship I'm in the process of building, but relationships in general. I've taken a retrospective journey back to my previous relationships and have juxtaposed them with the much more mature relationships my roommates and friends have with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and I've come to the conclusion that in spite of my experiences, I don't know shit about relationships! My autonomy has thrown me so far out of the loop that I don't really understand the process anymore. The only part of the process I've experienced has been the beginning....the getting to know you, what's your favorite color, what kind of music do you listen to, how many brothers and sisters do you have, where are you from, what sports did you play in high school, etc. Then once you've played 20 questions, everything crashes and burns. The end. That's all I know.

I hate the process. Especially right now, because right now, I'm anticipating the heartbreak, and since it hasn't come, my equilibrium is all thrown off because I don't know what comes next. I'm subconsciously indulging in sad songs, experiencing a sour mood, and feel absolutely helpless. And of course, I'm getting no sympathy because nothing has happened that would justify my current state of mind. So now what?

I think the main problem that I'm having is that while I would love to spend hours on the phone with him and drive to see him every weekend, I don't want to be "that" girl. You know what I'm talking about. Think Wedding Crashers: Gloria telling Jeremy that she loves him on the first day she meets him, planning their future together, popping up every moment that he gets a chance to breathe, binding him up and absolutely declaring that he's hers and that they should spend every waking moment together. That's annoying. He was annoyed. We were annoyed. She sucks.

Opposite of that, of course, is retreating. But then, if you retreat, there's no guarantee that he's going to chase you. And what happens if he needs the same green light that you do. Words of affirmation are very powerful, and sometimes all we need is the signal to go ahead and step forward. So we can choose to retreat which could ultimately make him retreat and then you never get anywhere. But then there's that chance that he'll come after you. I'm too skeptical to risk giving up even though it works in accordance to the push-pull theory that my sister explained to me when I was like 8. But I don't want the games. I just want answers.

What happens next? How long does it take? How will I know?

I just want to be enough. I want to be in his life enough to be able to establish a relationship and really get to know him without impeding on his daily routine. I don't want him to feel like he has to call me every 5 seconds, but I don't want him to not call at all. I want him to tell me sweet nothings every once in a while without wearing them out. I don't want to be demanding, but I don't want to be a door mat. I want to be enough.

It's all so complicated. Probably moreso because I make it that way. Dean says that I have to wait on it to just happen. If only I had patience....

I reread Staisha's blog and find it interesting how serene she is in her singleness. I tried to achieve the same appreciation throughout the years but was never able to do so because I've wanted nothing more than to care for someone the way that so many of my friends do in their relationships. I felt a vicarious sigh of relief while reading her blog but then realized that I'm heading in the opposite direction that she is and for a split second, I wondered if maybe I should just turn around. This, however, would make me a hypocrite as I often scold people who tend to go back to what's comfortable. I don't want to do that, but I'm not liking the endless questions that scroll through my head as I attempt to brave this endeavor. I just pray for strength, answers, and for clear direction and discernment. And I pray that my hormones will calm down so that I don't drive myself crazy.

I'm retarded.

And even though I'm so confused right now, I guess it becomes important to remember the reward is definitely worth it in the end. I just wish I knew whether or not I'll get there.

So yeah, I'm putting up a blockade on my thoughts. No more. I need to take my tired/halfway hungover ass to bed anyway.

Thanks for stopping by. Love you guys! And Staisha, I'm so proud of you. I hope you never lose the glow that you've had the past couple of weeks. You're amazing!

"If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through thistedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now...."

Road Trip

2006-01-19T01:02:00.001-05:00

So for those of you that don't know, I went on a little road trip by myself (because I can....I've graduated which means no classes for me! Sorry I have to rub that in while I can. You can all get me back when I'm in grad school working my ass off.) I left Friday night from Athens and spent the night in Perry with Staisha. We hung out with Daniel to say farewell before he heads over to Qatar with the Air Force. It was bittersweet, but I know that he'll be ok. He's in one of the safe zones which has shopping malls, pools, and gyms. Yes, the Air Force is definitely the civilian man's military....

Then after a divine breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Staisha, I headed down to Tallahassee to see Billy. And, no, I'm still not disclosing any information about how that's going. I think I'm superstitious or something, but I'll just say that we had a good time and leave it at that. Staisha helped me realize that by choosing not to talk about "it" (whatever "it" is....sounds like the eBay commercial, huh? haha) I'm actually preventing myself from fabricating some sort of fairytale of what could be which has the potential of being very damaging if things don't work out. I honestly don't see a let down in the near future, but what do I know? Either way, I'm choosing to stay in reality. It's my safe zone.

Then Monday, I drove down to Melbourne, Florida to hang out with my sister-in-law who was there for a conference. We went to the beach, drank Coronas with some Air Force boys, and had a good ole time. I succeeded in giving Mischa my southern accent, scaring the shit out of her with my mad driving skills, and giving her an ab workout by making her laugh her ass off at me (I'm an idiot, what's new?) Ah, good times....

So while spending my time on the beach, namely on Tuesday when I went to Cocoa Beach by myself while Mischa was sitting through meetings for work, I really noticed how many couples were on the beach. While the beach has always been a romantic place in my book, I never really thought about what makes it so romantic. I mean, sea gulls screeching in your ear and threatening to shit all over you as you struggle to get the sand out from between your toes isn't really my idea of romantic, but there's just something about looking out at the endless horizon that just takes your breath away. It's like people go there with the most special person in the world to them, and they don't feel small. They have a love that is as vast and endless as the rolling waves and they are able to find serenity in looking at their match. It's almost a way of translating love into a quantity, and being able to see how big their love is allows them to rest in the moment and relax in each other's arms. It's quite incredible. And there's nothing that can take that moment away. Not even the sea gulls.

I hope that I'm able to experience that with someone special some day. I'm sure we all do.

Well, that's my sappy reflection on that. Just thought I would give you guys a heads up on the goings ons. Hope you guys enjoyed your long weekend! I love y'all!

"Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean."

Choose me...

2006-01-08T23:50:00.001-05:00

When I was in high school, somber moments like the one I'm experiencing at present drove me to writing poetry. Poetry, however, only makes sense to the author and it's left for the reader to annotate in hopes of finding some sort of inspiration that influenced the author to conjure up an often confusing arrangement of words. I don't resort to poetry anymore because I long to be understood, and I've found the one person that doesn't understand me the most is myself. And so I write...

Lately, I've been revisiting questions that I wrote off as unanswerable due to their complex nature and my skepticism in actually finding the truth behind them. Fortunately, I've found that things are a lot more simplistic than they seem because I have a God who will take on my burdens so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel that is thankfully not just another oncoming train. I really feel like I've found pieces of myself I never thought I would be able to understand. While I come from a mold that is very unique and intricate, some of the complexities of my nature can be attributable to common phenomenons experienced by many people. My own brother shared many of the same fears that I did when he was around my age, and being able to look up to him and see that he has all of his shit together shines an extra ray of light onto my future. There's hope that there will come a day when everything will make sense, and I feel like it's coming together right now. I have the mercy of God to thank for that.

I finished "Captivating." That's another one of those books that should be read by every female who has ever experienced extensive turmoil due to the trials of life. (Oh wait, I guess that would be every single one of them, huh? haha). There were some parts of the book that I didn't really relate to simply because I'm not mature enough to have had some of the experiences being described, but there were a couple passages that were so liberating because they described me to a tee, and I was able to feel a sense of relief because somewhere in Colorado, the couple that wrote this book understands me. There have been many times that I simply don't understand the turmoil that invades my heart, but John and Stasi Eldredge have been able to put my emotions into words that make sense! I don't feel so alienated and I feel like I truly understand myself better. I'm realizing that barriers don't really keep others out as much as they keep you fenced in. As a result, I really feel like I've broken down some of the walls around my heart so that I might truly be able to reveal myself to someone who might find me irresistable and irreplaceable. And even though I haven't been given the opportunity do so just yet, the feeling of self-efficacy is amazing...

"Another common enemy that often is at work in women's relationship is a spirit of accusation. We often feel that we are a disappointment to others, that they disappove of us. We feel in their presence that we are not enough, or that we are too much. After we leave a time with them, we're plagued by a deep sense of failing. We feel frustrated and irritated and ashamed that we feel that way. Our hearts often land in shame and isolation, or we go to resentment. Do you recognize this in your own life? That replaying of conversations you've had with people with that sense of having blown it? Have you noticed how the feelings grow as you continue to mull it over?" ~Captivating

YES! Holy cow, reread my blog and you can all attest to the fact that I am a culprit of having thoughts like these! I'm pessimistic when it comes to relationships. It never works out and I have negative expectations that my status will ever change. It's not because I don't believe in myself, it's just my way of preparing for the worst. I'm bracing myself. That's bad. Very bad. So why the hell do I do this?

The authors go on to suggest that most of the relationships a female encounters are opposed. That means that we have to step up and fight for them! We have to put on the armor of God and battle against the idea that God won't make things better or make things just the way that we want them! He has a vested interest in us, and unless we fully submit to Him, we can never ever step out and take the risk of loving someone wholly and unconditionally in the same way that we yearn to be loved back.

"The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well. We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn't go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very being, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God."

God loves me. That's all I really need. But I still long for someone who can show me the love of God in a different way. I long for an embrace. A kiss. Someone to brush my hair to the side, look deep in my eyes, and tell me that they need me. That they love me. That they can't live without me. That I'm captivating. I want someone to share my thoughts with. Someone who wants to indulge in my complex nature and make it simple. Someone to help me make sense. Someone to help me see clear. Crystal clear.

I'm tired of blogging. I'm ready to talk. I want a person to fulfill these somber moments ~ these moments where I cry out to the mercy of God for comfort. I want to experience the love of God with an amazing person. Not with a blog. Not with a poem. With him. And I know who I want it to be...

Choose me. Cause I'm ready to choose you.

Until next time...

"So pick me. Choose me. Love me." ~Meredith to Derek, Grey's Anatomy

Captivate me...

2006-01-04T14:00:00.001-05:00

So, I'm sure most of you are waiting for me to talk about the new boy and how things went this past weekend. Well, quit being so nosy! Jk...in all honesty, I'm not sure yet, so I don't wanna think too systematically about it cause I don't wanna press my luck. There's a tornado of thoughts in my head, so I've been trying to distract myself. I'm too pessimistic to indulge in the memories from this weekend because even though I think things went ok and I enjoyed spending time with him, my deep thinking would still be capable of finding something negative to dwell on which might cause me to totally withdraw from the situation in an act to protect myself. I'm pretty messed up, so I'm trying to keep it simple. I read Staisha's blog and was inspired about the new endeavor she's taking to better herself. It reminded me that in spite of how trying the past has been, the decisions that you make today have the potential to totally change your life. I wish restructuring my cognitions was that easy, but we all know that takes time. I was talking to Emily yesterday, and she's always telling me that I'm ridiculous and that I worry too much about relationships working out and what not. She even pointed out that I'm backwards because when other people find someone that they really like, they are all giddy and bear shit-eatin' grins. Me? Exactly opposite. I don't like the process and anticipate the letdown. Knowing that I have feelings for the other person makes the letdown more painful, so I stay on edge. I just wish I could know instantly whether or not I was scratching at an old wound on my heart and wasting my time. That's messed up, I know. But, hey, I'm trying to change that. I can't totally transform my thoughts into positive ones overnight, so I'm choosing to think about other things. I've had a few lapses, but I've been doing a lot of praying, believing in him, believing in myself, and hoping things will work out for once. I know I make things complicated, and I'm really trying to keep this as simple as he is. Please pray for me you guys! I need all the help I can get!

So how do you distract someone whose thoughts are racing at 32665416354354641 miles per hour? It's pretty hard, actually. Sleep is never an option. In fact, I didn't fall asleep until like 4 this morning. I haven't really had an appetite, so I can't really eat either. Emily is the only one of my roommates that has been home, but she spends half of her time at Steven's and at work, so that hasn't been much help. I've gone back to researching about everything college football and watching bowl games, but tonight was the last one (Hook 'em Horns!) Luckily for me, there's Barnes and Noble! Not only is it a great distraction, but there is a lot of insight and learning that I'm doing, particularly about myself. I'm currently reading Captivating, The Five Love Languages, and The Da Vinci Code (yes, all at the same time.) That's ridiculous, huh? I haven't been bored yet! It's pretty interesting because God has put in my path two parallel notions about love and relationships that has introduced me to answers I never really thought to seek out, and I'm hoping that I'm learning more about my past mistakes so as to improve situations in my future. I know that this post has already been really long (in fact, Jojo has probably already stopped reading) but since I still have a lot of adrenaline going after watching Texas' AMAZING win over USC (sorry William), then I think I'll keep going. Aren't you excited?? That's right you are!

(Some of you might want to take a little intermission right here and come back later....but I'm really excited about my newfound revelations so I have to keep going!)

Ok, so the first idea comes from Captivating which explains that there are 3 different types of women in the world. There are the emasculating women, the desolate women, and the arousing women. All of them are looking for answers to a central Question: am I lovely? am I beautiful? am I captivating? The emasculating woman tries to depreciate the traditional role of the man in an attempt to run from her Question that has not been answered, and therefore, by taking away the man's strength by downplaying his masculinity, he cannot hurt her anymore. The desolate woman is the woman that wants so desperately to be loved so she seeks to get her Question answered via temporary satisfaction in hopes that giving her all will result in the reciprocity of love that unfortunately does not exist in such a situation. The arousing woman is the woman who lets her beauty shine through, who captivates a man's heart, initiating the presentation of his peak strength in a way that her Question gets answered because she feels beautiful. That said, which woman are you?

The book goes on to explain that woman can't depend on men to answer their Question, but rather, when they give their hearts to God, He can lead them to the third situation in which the strength of the man and the beauty of a woman ultimately bring out the best in each other, and they are able to develop a healthy balance where their love can thrive with God being the central component of the relationship. Basically, this is what every woman hopes to achieve, and as with anything, bettering yourself takes time and the book gives a lot of insight about how to chisel away the hurtful walls we've built in the past in order to reveal a heart that's captivating in the future. Cool concept, huh?

So upon reading this, I sat back and thought about which woman I was and decided that, sadly, I am the desolate woman because I try way too hard to obtain the love that I have dreamed about and yearned for in the past 3 and a half years. My classification is reflected by my impulsive decisions that I refuse to elaborate on so as to preserve some of my pride (don't let your minds wander too far though....I've always had high standards.) I have sought for years, given away pieces of myself that I hope to get back, and have still ended up empty handed. Yet the lessons are (still) being learned slowly. Why is this?

That's where the second passage comes in. The Five Love Languages should probably be read by just about everybody. My sister-in-law immediately suggested it upon hearing some of my frustrations (thanks Mish!) Basically, we all have different ways that are most effective in making us feel loved, and being able to capitalize on your partner's primary love language ultimately maximizes the love that you are able to express to them. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, servitude, gifts, and physical touch. The book has a short inventory in the back that helps you classify your primary love language, and in my case, my primary love language is physical touch with words of affirmation coming in a close second. Just as with any language, the love languages have different "dialects" which are basically different modalities of expression within a certain category. For example for physical touch, some of the different dialects are hugging, kissing, holding hands, massages, putting your hand on his/her leg, etc. (of course it goes on to "other" stuff too.) In my experiences, I know that I feel most love when someone gives me a hug, kisses me on the cheek, holds me, cuddles with me, or just touches me in some way (I'm easy.....even if you just put your head in my lap while watching a movie I'm in heaven!) I also tend to notice when the touch gets neglected. Like if a guy walks in the room and walks by where I'm sitting, I get a teensy bit disappointed if they don't at least thump me on the head or something, haha! The most innocent touching makes a world of difference, and neglecting it makes me question whether or not people like/love me. This gets pretty deep, but I'll leave it at face value.

At any rate, the fact that my primary love language is physical touch explains why I've made decisions that have ultimately placed me in the "desolate woman" category. In trying to answer my Question, I've tried to fulfill the needs that lay in my primary love language, and I think that this has been very detrimental for me. I always thought that my personality was the reason for my poor decisions. I'm the girl who randomly goes to the mall and runs up my credit card bill because of a whim of desire to do so, or I'll wake up in the morning to tangly hair and decide to go chop it all off. I live for the moment! But that doesn't explain the decisions I have made with relationship prospects over the past couple of years that have only hurt my heart even more and caused me to build walls. There's nothing "captivating" about my past, so I'm going to push forward and like I mentioned earlier, make the decisions that will ultimately change who I am, CHANGE HOW I THINK, and allow me to better myself so that I might become the arousing woman that some man just cannot live without. That's exciting! And fortunately, I think I still have time to remedy some of my problems to better myself for the current boy that's been lingering about. At least I hope so!

Ok, so maybe if the reading stays this intense, I'll start going to Blockbuster instead, haha! Please don't forget to pray for me! Thanks for reading my babble, and feel free to comment. And Staisha, thanks for 1) inspiring me and 2) making me feel better in the midst of my psychosis today. You're da bomb!

Until next time....

"You will find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:13)
That is a good way for a woman to live as well. Not defiant, not hiding, but alluring and watching to see if he wants to come closer.
~Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge

Pics!

2006-01-03T16:26:00.000-05:00

So, I've turned off my overanalytical noggin for a while in an effort to maintain sanity throughout the past couple of weeks. A lot has been going on, and I guess more than anything I've just been too overwhelmed to even want to think about things, so I've just been sitting back and letting life happen while trying to maintain a decent level of composure. Maybe I'll dig in later. We'll see.

There have, however, been some good moments in the midst of all the drama. And I promised pictures so here you have it! Hope everyone enjoyed ringing in the New Year and I hope that 2006 is a helluva lot better than 2005! I think I got off to a good start.... ;) Enjoy!

New York take 2! Here I am in front of the Hershey's store, home of the 5 lb. Hershey bar! That's my kind of chocolate!

Here I am in Times Square, waiting to get tickets to Broadway shows! We saw Sweet Charity starring Christina Applegate and Chicago starring Huey Lewis. Both were pretty good although I liked Sweet Charity a lot more. Who knew that Christina Applegate was so talented?

Rockefeller Center! The Christmas tree is huge although you can't really tell because it's really far behind me.

Here I am with William! Even though we didn't have the best time ever, I still love him and am very proud!

It was good to see old friends too! :)

Back in Athens, I was the DD for the P-town crew on New Year's Eve Eve. Jojo was pretty retarded, haha! :)

Hey Jeb, pass this pic on to Abby for me please!

Me and Emmy on New Year's Eve! Happy New Year!

The P-town crew again (and Jarrod). Jonathan was pretty damn proud of his stupid cork.

I told you he was retarded!

Awww, Billy... :)

Talk to you kids later! Love y'all!

Bah Bah Black Sheep....

2005-12-30T01:22:00.001-05:00

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train."

Ya know, I recently heard this quote and thought it was pretty damn pessimistic, but now, I'm starting to think it's just true. I mean, seriously, when does the turmoil ever end? Sure, you can choose to deal with it courageously, but that doesn't mean it just goes away. There's always something.......life happens and will continue to do so until our dying day. I don't think there's any way to remedy that except to prepare for the next train to run you over. And I guess as long as we learn something then we'll all be alright.

I'm not going to use the excuse that I'm the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family to explain why I can't figure out what my role is supposed to be. My sister does that with my father's side of the family, and I think it just gives her an excuse to isolate herself away from our family which really doesn't fix any of the existing problems that we face. She's just different, but black and white make gray and that's who we are: The Gray's. Wow, that was cheesy.....

But still, overcoming differences with family members is perhaps one of the biggest trials that I've come to face, especially with my baby brother and my mother who happen to be birds of the same feather. I'm my father's child just like William's my mother's child. So today, as Willie and I yelled at each other for an hour, I had the revelation that in spite of all the bullshit that went down between my parents, I'm doubting they would have made it anyway. Hmmm...interesting.

So yeah, William and I yelled at each other for an hour. I'm not even sure what the argument was about. We're just different, yet we're both too stubborn to admit that we're wrong or listen to anybody else. We don't understand each other, and while I feel like I've made a valiant effort to see where he's coming from, the favor has never been returned. I try really hard to appreciate him and to appreciate my mother, but I don't think that they really even like me. It's so taboo to talk about feelings in this house, and because they don't like to talk about their feelings, mine get neglected. I don't understand that, yet they understand each other. I guess we're just supposed to ignore everybody's emotions and pretend that everything is hunky dorey all the time. But there's no way I can respect the way that someone feels if I don't know what I'm doing wrong because they can't express to me the emotions that result on behalf of my actions! How can I mend my relationships when the only time I know that I've done something wrong is when it's being thrown in my face? I'm at such a loss which is pretty unfortunate. Yet somehow, I always find it within me to break through my stubborness and try to be a bigger person in spite of it all. I extended an apology to my brother for misunderstanding me, and I apologized to my mother because she was positioned in the middle of mine and William's argument even though she's put me in the middle of her divorce with my father for the past 17 years! When does life make sense, cause today sure as hell didn't! And while everybody at my house is resting peacefully, I'm the one that's up with a caffeine headache and too much on my mind to sleep. But as my mother would say, life's not fair get over it. Ha, typical......it doesn't have to be fair, but why can't it just make sense?

What I would give for an address on Easy Street.......maybe they don't have train tunnels there.

I don't foresee myself blogging again in the next couple of days, so I hope that everyone has a Happy New Year! Take care and be safe! I love you guys!

Once upon a December...

2005-12-23T22:36:00.001-05:00

For those of you wondering, the NY pictures are coming. Unfortunately, one-hour at Wolf Camera really translates into 3 hours, so I didn't have time to pick up my pics before leaving to come home to Perry, but I'll get them scanned in ASAP!

This month has been pretty eventful to say the least.

Daddy's birthday was December 10th, and it kinda sucked, but I remained fairly composed thanks to the distraction of being invited to attend Kit's company Christmas party and freaking out about what to wear (as much as I play it off, I can be such a girl sometimes). I hope I was a good date cause I had a lot of heavy stuff on my mind that day, but I managed to have a good time and am thankful for Kit's invitation. Then I graduated on December 17th, and Daddy made me a promise that he would be here, and I guess he was watching down on me, but that wasn't what I had in mind at the time the promise was made. I would have never fathomed him not physically being able to live up to his promise, but I graduated college as the girl God meant for me to be, and that's because of Daddy. Everybody has told me throughout the past 6 months that they have been proud of me for how courageous I've been in dealing with this situation. I've been very appreciatiative of everybody's compliments even though I was rather unaware of the display of courage I was presenting to my peers. It wasn't until recently that I realized where all the compliments were coming from. I chose not to dwell on the sorrow of Daddy's absence and decided to stare the grief in the face and fight it until I was ok. As Dean always says, Daddy wanted a party, so we had to give him one. He wouldn't have tolerated us choosing to be sad and not making the necessary steps to overcome the hardships that life threw at us. It was out of due respect that I had to figure out how stand strong in spite of the circumstances, and by doing so, I was able to apply the lessons that I learned from him. That's my way of giving back to him the many things he gave to me, and my efforts have been rewarded. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I'm ok, and in this situation that's the best that I can be.

Tonight, I made the trek back to Perry to spend Christmas with my family, and I also got to see my baby brother whom I haven't seen since July. Airman Basic Gray is a lot different than the Little Willie we sent to the Air Force 5 months ago. He's probably matured more in the last 5 months than I have in the past 3 and a half years of college. My parents love that of course, and in the midst of their pride for him they seem to have forgotten that I graduated from college last week. I have yet to hear my mom quit gloating about all the great things that William has done. Oh well. I don't take it personally because I've always been the black sheep of the Bycenski-Gray family, and somehow, that makes William's accomplishments more worthy of praise. I, however, know that it's apples and oranges. Oh well. Seeing William was great though. I actually had to stare at him for like 10 minutes because seeing him in uniform made it seem like I was meeting someone new for the first time. I am really proud of him, and I love that he's going to be around next week. We're going to have a blast, and I'm going to get to know the person that William has grown into. That should be pretty interesting...

Speaking of getting to know people.....I've really gotten to know someone special over the past month. For whatever reason, he's been the only thing that's really made sense lately, something I find kind of ironic since he lives 5 hours away. I'm insane, huh? He used to go to UGA and it's really crazy that we never really met and hung out before now because we share a lot of mutual friends, we both love hanging out at Boar's Head, and we even had all of our classes at Ramsey. But of course, that's just my luck, right? At any rate, he seems like a really fun kid and I think I need someone that can be just as goofy as me. He also has a way of challenging me to see other perspectives which is a good balance for me. The Gray noggin is pretty thick and not many people can get through our stubborness. He's been playing Devil's advocate a lot but he does it in a way that simply suggests there might be other answers without bluntly telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not very receptive to people questioning my omniscience (I don't think any Gray is, haha) which is why I find it interesting that he has a way of getting through to me effectively. But who knows? My track record says it won't work out, but I really think it's gonna be different this time. I guess we'll see.......

So yeah, it's been an interesting month, and we haven't even made it through Christmas yet! I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! I love you all....

GRADUATION!

2005-12-17T21:43:00.001-05:00

Ok, so today was pretty fun. I'm really glad that my stepmom asked me to attend my commencement ceremony cause we really did have a blast! Matt Bainbridge showed up and we made fun of the huge bling bling that Pres. Michael Adams was wearing with his garb (we decided that it was a spinna, haha!) It was just fun, and even though a lot of the people I sent invitations to really didn't acknowledge what a big deal this was, going to the ceremony really emphasized how huge of a feat graduating from a prestigious university is, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself! And I wasn't really that sad that Daddy wasn't physically there because he was there, looking down at me, and I know he was damn proud as well.

I also sat behind Gerald Anderson and Bryan McClendon during the ceremony, and that was kind of cool. Even though I'm not a huge fan of BMac, he did give me a pat and say, "congratulations."

Congratulations to you too, BMac.

And yes, Melissa and I are idiots! GIDDYUP!

And yes, I ripped my gown trying to straddle that thing, haha!

It's great to be a dawg and bleed red and black! :)

Merry Christmas you guys! I love you!

COLLEGE (more specifically, undergrad)

2005-12-15T00:02:00.001-05:00

So, it's almost over. Only one more final stands in the way of me being able to change my facebook status to "alumna" (wow, the facebook really has taken over our entire lives!) On Saturday, I will walk across another golden stage as I have completed another phase of my life that is leading me to my future. Ok, really, I'm just going to stand up and sit down when they call out my major, but you get the point. Anywho, you know what the amusing thing is about my writing this? I have a HUGE cumulative final on Friday that I should have probably started studying for last month, but here I am, reflecting on life. Procrastination prevails as it has throughout my entire undergraduate career! Oh well, my transcript still proves that I'm a genius in spite of my lack of effort. I think that's another family trait, haha! (Does that make up for my other smart ass comment, Dean?)

So yeah, it's kind of hard to believe that all this insanity is ending. I know this is a big deal, but it doesn't really feel like it due to the fact that I'm going to grad school, thus allowing me to stay within the protective walls of academia for another 3 years. No, this doesn't mean 3 more years of partying. Instead, I'm going to embark into a different kind of insanity where lack of sleep will be accompanied by lack of money, lack of personal time, lack of football Saturdays (I'm still in denial about this one) and ultimately, lack of a life. But that's ok, it'll all be worth it in the end when I force you to address me as Dr. Gray! (jk) It'll be exciting to open my story to this new chapter, and I'm ready for a little change of scenery. I will miss my roommates IMMENSELY, and leaving Athens will be very bittersweet, but all good things must come to an end, and I'm accepting the responsibilities that lie before me. At present, I have been accepted to Armstrong Atlantic State University in Savannah, and I have an interview pending at Medical College of Georgia. I guess we'll see what happens. Of course, I'll be sure to keep you updated. ;)

Tonight, in the midst of my boredom, I thumbed through a lot of the pictures that I have collected through my college years, and it was kind of interesting to take a short retrospective journey back to the Stacy I was before I truly discovered myself. I came to college with one of my best friends from high school and with my boyfriend's class ring on my finger thinking that I was set and that the only thing I would truly need to learn would be in the classroom. Now, I barely ever speak to my first roommate (although I should note that it's a miracle that we even talk at all considering our little fallout that we had after only one semester), I've been single for the past 3 years, and out of all 122 hours worth of classes I've taken, I probably won't ever revisit any of the information that I learned in a majority of them. However, I will take the experiences, the past 3 and half years of AMAZING experiences with me as they have ultimately served as the building materials for the foundations of my character.

In the past three and a half years, I've experienced the pains of many different kinds of losses, I've had my heart broken, I've made impulsive mistakes, I've woken up in the morning regretting the events of the night before, I've learned to nurse a hangover, I've yelled until I was hoarse for my beloved football team, I've pulled multiple all-nighters, I've learned to like coffee, I grew boobs, I discovered my love for beer, I've crammed countless amounts of information in my head only to kill my poor little brain cells with alcohol, I've danced many nights away, I did my first keg stand, I've lost friends, I've gained new friends, I've mended torn friendships, I've spent approximately 704957209347502437 hours chatting online and another 23495024850475 facebooking people, I've laughed, I've cried, I've gone on amazing road trips, I've learned not to care about what I look like in public, I've made midnight runs to Kroger for ice cream, I've been woken up in the middle of the night to pick up drunk friends, I learned to play beer pong, flip cup, and Kings, I've come to appreciate my friends as they ultimately became my family, I came to appreciate my family as they were gradually weaned from my daily life, I have fought with my roommates over who should do the dishes, I've learned patience and respect for other authorities, I've learned to appreciate the money my parents have given me and how hard they've worked to make this experience possible, I found God, I found myself, and I learned to love life! Whew! I've been a busy little girl! But it's all been worth it, and I love the person that I have grown into. If only everybody could have the experience of college.......

Thanks to all of you who made this experience even more special. You know who you are.. ;)

And it's off to bed with me! Tomorrow's gonna be a long one! Love you guys!

Memories put a song in your heart....
"So when we could stand it no longer, we thought it best to be left...in Athens."
~1 Thessalonians 3:1

Finals (and all that they entail)

2005-12-13T01:20:00.001-05:00

Finals. What can you really say? Being the last finals week that I will experience in my undergraduate career, I've come to know that students handle finals in one of two ways:

1) They set up camp at the SLC/library where they stay up for the entire week, overindulging on Jittery Joe's "crackacinnos" (yes, it's a real drink consisting of FOUR shots of espresso) and cramming insane amounts of information into their heads until their brains are fried and they can't think straight in hopes that they'll be able to regurgitate information accurately enough to maintain their A averages.

OR

2) They have way too much time on their hands due to not having to regularly attend class, thus allowing them to spend HOURS facebooking people (I was facebooked 9 times today), watching movies/TV, chatting on instant messenger, and basically doing everything BUT studying because they don't think the drive towards insanity is worth earning an A when having a B average earns you the same piece of paper.

Needless to say, I fall into the second category. I have a presentation in 6 hours, and I'm so restless from being bored that I'm up blogging. Ok, maybe it's because presentations don't scare me. I'm pretty good at getting up in front of people and talking out of my ass. It's a talent that might possibly be genetic, but either way, I'm not too worried. And yes, I have tests that I could be studying for, but being the math wizard I am and having already calculated the grades that I must earn to make the grades I want in my classes, my motivation level is waaaaaaaaay down (I have to make a 50, 66, and an 80 to get the grades I want....I could probably do that right now!) So yeah, count me out. I'm not the good student this week. It's simply not worth it.

In fact, I'm more stressed out about graduation. Ah, another get-together with members of both sides of my family. That always equals disaster, and my mother has already thrown her selfishness in my face and given me the silent treatment. Awesome. And of course Daddy won't be there which adds to the joy of this milestone event. Maybe I can just sleep through it, but at the rate I'm going, I probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep. So, maybe we can resort to the back-up plan: liquor. After all, it's been the grand finale of every finals week so far. We wouldn't want to break tradition now would we?

Well, that's enough rambling for now. Hope everyone does well on their finals. I'll be praying for ya!

'Night guys...

Brace yourself...

2005-12-04T23:44:00.001-05:00

Ya know, as much as I love the sound of rain, listening to it in solitude can really make you somber. And of course, my first impulse is to write a blog even though I'm not even sure what to write about. I'm just feeling inspired, so we're just going to see where this goes.

I've run across a couple of new thoughts that have kind of left me scratching my head. It mostly has to do with protecting yourself by finding a happy medium between pushing people away in fear of getting hurt and making yourself vulnerable by completely discarding painful memories of past experiences. I think that this concept can be applied to a lot of situations. I know I dealt with it when I went through my father's death. As much as you want to forget the entire grieving experience, it's important to keep it in the back of your mind because with the right perspective, there is so much wisdom to be gained. But you can't guard yourself from the inevitable by failing to let yourself get close to people in fear of losing them. It can also be applied to relationships. I think that it's very important to understand people's past experiences as they truly are the tools that shape one's character, but you can't use past experiences as an excuse for present actions as it is completely unacceptable to let the past impede on your present occupations.

But how do you find that happy medium?

When I apply this to my own situation, I find it very hard to control my thoughts. It's definitely one of the bigger challenges that I face because protecting myself has almost become an automatic response with all of the turmoil that I've gone through. In trying to respect the idea, I've made a more valiant effort to change the way that I percieve things, but it seems like some of our experiences have the same template, and when you recognize the course of action that some situations take, it's hard to expect a different outcome. By the same token, we build these walls of protection out of fear, and fear is merely faith in the enemy. That said, could we not alter the outcome by merely having faith in the goodness of each situation that we encounter?

I've found that this is a challenge shared by many. A good friend of mine can't discard the idea of her boyfriend cheating on her even after the amount of time that they've stayed faithful to each other. She explained to me that discarding the very notion of him engaging in relations with someone other than her would merely reinforce the dependence that she has on him, thus making it harder for her to deal with such a situation should she ever come across it.

I have friends that fear relationships and have decided to save themselves for later when they know that they can find someone truly responsible to handle their hearts in a way that would not reopen old wounds. I also have friends who are so scared of being alone that they engage in the physical aspect of a relationship before the love is present in an attempt to feel close to someone, even if it's only temporary. The outcome of both of these situations are ultimately detrimental, but it's all they know to do to alleviate the fear that they have of getting hurt.

So where's the happy medium?

I've recently found myself getting to know someone that I've found to be truly amazing and we've both expressed out interest in each other. In approaching the situation, however, and with my recent experiences hovering over every thought that I've had, my skeptical attitude has prevailed. I've subconsciously dubbed this another situation that will chisel away another piece of my heart in yet another transition towards finding my ultimate happiness. But why would I do this? Well this guy is different (definitely said that before) and he just makes me really giddy and I can't wait until the next minute that I get to talk to him (uh huh....tell me something new, right?) and well, isn't it time that something worked out because this just seems to keep happening (right, that's the worst justification ever!) Bottom line is that there is no logical explanation as to why I should put out the skepticism burning within me because this situation is taking the same course of action as with every other relationship that I've tried to form in the past three years.

SO HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND MY HAPPY MEDIUM?

The only answer that I've really come to is that as long as my actions don't reflect the ideas that really scroll through my head, then there's no way that I can let my thoughts sabotage this situation. I may not know now why I shouldn't be skeptical, but my questions will be answered with time, and my thoughts will eventually become more congruent with my actions. It is then that I will find a happy medium between the two extremes. I'm of course reinforcing my happy medium with faith in myself, faith in him, and faith in God, and hopefully this will put me in a place that has become foreign to me over time. Hopefully......

I guess that's not too bad for an impulsive need to blog, huh? G'night y'all! And Go DAWGS! SEC Champs! (LSwho?)

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"
~Walt Whitman

junk.....

2005-12-01T07:28:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm bored and Stacy Crook sent me this thing and it was kind of fun, so what the hell, right? Enjoy!

List 20 People You Can Think Of Right Off Your Head
1. Billy W.
2. Kristen
3. Emily
4. Pallie
5. Staisha
6. Kit
7. Jeb
8. Abbey
9. Melissa
10. Jojo
11. Dean
12. Mischa
13. Brandi
14. Jaclyn
15. Jamie
16. Kirsten
17. Mina
18. Terri
19. Rob
20. Willie

How did you meet 13? She's my niece!

What would you do if you had never met 5? Holy cow, life with no Staisha is like living without a heart! She is my absolute best friend ever!

Have you ever liked 3? I love Emily!

Would 4 and 11 make a good couple? Well, considering that Dean, my brother, is married, and Pallie, my roommate has a boyfriend of like 6 years, absolutely not! They would probably get along though...

Would 1 and 7 make a lovely couple? Jeb and Billy? I dunno bout that...haha!

On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14? Jaclyn is off the charts! At least a 15!

What language does 10 speak? Jojo definitely only speaks English...

Who is 8 going out with? Jebbers!

Is 9 a boy or a girl? she's a girly girl!

When was the last time you talked to 18? Terri....well we email each other a lot, but I haven't had a real conversation with her since my Dad's funeral.

What is 1's favorite band? Hmmm...I dunno...

Does 2 have any siblings? Yes, Alex

Would you ever date 5? Hell yeah I'd date Staisha in a heartbeat (if I were a guy of course!)

Is 15 single? No, Jamie's ENGAGED!

What is 5's middle name? Catherine (I love that all the hard questions are about my best friend!)

What is 2's fantasy? To go to Spain (that's her clean fantasy anyway, haha!)

Would 7 and 19 make a good couple? Oh my gosh, why do we keep trying to hook Jeb up with other guys?

Whats 16's favorite color? I have no clue!

What school does 6 go to? Kit is a UGA alumni (I will be too in 17 days!)

Where does 9 live? Across the hall!

Would you make out with 1? Perhaps...... :)

Are 5 and 20 best friends? No because Staisha is my best friend! But her and William are so much fun to be around!

What is your history with 20? He's my brother and I love him dearly!

What's your history with 1? I'm working on one... ;)

Do you like 17? Yeah. I'd like him even more if I could actually hang out with him!

Have you ever gone out with any of the numbers? Yeah...

If so, who? Jojo (we don't talk about that), Mina's taken me to dinner before, William pays for me at the movies sometimes.

Do you have a crush on any of the numbers? Wouldn't you like to know?

Does 20 think 4 is hot? William has never met Pallie...so I dunno...

How close are 10 and 8 to you? Yeah they are part of the Perry crew and I love watching football with them!

Would 1,5,10,15 and 20 be good friends?
Well Jamie and Staisha are already friends and they just adore William, and Billy's never met any of them but I'm sure they would all be fun to hang out with!

If 19 and 13 werent in your life would it be differnt? Most definitely!

Hell Week...

2005-11-30T00:34:00.001-05:00

Monday - 10 page paper due.
Tuesday - 45 minute presentation and graded exercise test.
Wednesday - data collection for biomechanics final project.
Thursday - Interview in Savannah at Armstrong Atlantic State University for PT school.
Friday - 5 page paper due.

This ultimately means that I have no life and will not be sleeping. yay! Stay tuned until next week and maybe I'll have something more interesting and thoughtful to reflect on.

THE END IS NEAR! 17 DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION!

"If you're going through hell, keep going!"
~Winston Churchill

Thanksgiving....

2005-11-24T22:24:00.001-05:00

So, I've decided that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (after my birthday of course, haha!) I don't really know what it is.....maybe it's because Christmas is usually pretty crappy because I hate being away from all of my family, and, let's face it - nobody really reflects on the true meaning of Christmas like they should. As much as I love giving (and recieving) Christmas presents, it seems like that's all it's ever about. I'm sure that other families spend more quality time together than my family, but in my experiences, I've never gotten over the lack of "togetherness" that I think that you should share. But then again, my family is far from normal, so maybe there's hope for the future. We'll see.

So yeah, Thanksgiving it is. I don't know why. I love cooking with my parents even though they think I'm a disaster in the kitchen (which I'm not.....they just like to have things done their way....oh well). My mom and I made pumpkin pie bars which were actually pretty good, and we kind of just hung out the entire day. I did get a little sick which sucked, and I officially used up an entire box of Kleenex and look like Rudolph, but it still didn't damper my day too much. I really missed not having my brother here, and one of these days I'm going to be able to spend this day with the other side of my family, but I thoroughly enjoyed my quaint little Thanksgiving with my parents. Go fig....

So yeah, in the past 6 months, I've really come to realize how precious life really is, thus giving me plenty to be thankful for. Today, as I went throughout the day, I praised God for all of the wonderful people that He's put into my life. I have amazing family members (hey, we put the "fun" in "dysFUNctional" but we love each other and that's all that really matters) and great friends that really complete who I am and share my life with me. That's very important. There's no point in living if you don't have someone to indulge in the glories of life with no matter who it is. For this I am very thankful.

I am also thankful that in spite of the short amount of time that we had together, my Daddy was able to share so much wisdom with me and I think that really shaped who I am. He was an amazing man, and I'm very thankful that God let us have him for a little while before He took him back to be with Him. I'm also very thankful for God's strength and grace throughout the past six months. I've really changed as a person, and I'm glad that I was able to grow into the strong, Christian woman that God intended me to be. I could have very easily victimized myself and caused a lot more hardship for myself, but I'm glad that I didn't do this and I'm thankful for God's direction with every fork in the road I came to face. His guidance has always been and will continue to be such a blessing.

I'm also very thankful that I've grown closer to Dean and Mischa. We didn't talk for a little while there, mostly because we got too caught up in life to make time for each other. Now, I talk to my sister-in-law almost every single day and have found in her a new mentor for the rocky times that God throws our way. I'm also glad that Dean and I have grown closer and I love the role that he has in my life now. He's kind of filled in Dad's shoes, but he's still my brother and it kind of makes him like a really cool parent. I think he would definitely call me out on something if he thought I was making faulty decisions, but he's been pretty supportive of me, and he amuses me. I enjoy keeping up with him and am glad that we've established a tighter bond that I hope will continue to grow.

I could seriously go on forever and ever about everything I've been grateful for this past year. But I just think it's important to reflect on how awesome our lives really are in spite of how stressful and perfunctory they can be. We have plenty of things to be thankful for, and I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. Never forget it....

So, I hope everyone's turkey was delicious. Take care you guys, and remember that I love you! Night......

"I thank my God every time I remember you..." ~Philipians 1:3

Anti-Orange

2005-11-13T17:48:00.001-05:00

Ok, for the record....I friggin' hate Auburn. But, at least their fans aren't as gross as the stupid Florida fans. So my question: having the same colors as Auburn, why can't the Florida fans find something nice to wear to the games like the Auburn people?

Orange and Blue is still the ugliest color combo ever!

And Mark Richt sucks.....

maybe I'll feel like writing more later.........take it easy...in the meantime, check out my brother's blog (it's linked to mine)! He needs some hits, and his first blog is awesome! ;)

Red and Black are so much better! I love my roomies!

It's just a thinking thing.....

2005-11-06T19:57:00.001-05:00

Wow, I've been on a roll. Aren't ya proud Chance?

So, I was blessed in multiple ways this weekend. That's a cheesy thing to say, but seriously, in more than one way, God took care of me in what could have been a very somber weekend. I had a couple of friends call me that needed some cheering up which always makes me feel good, especially since sometimes, being an "S" means that you are the one that rarely gets called because you're in the back of the phonebook (yeah my logic is probably skewed, but I truly believe this, haha!) Additionally, my brother called me while he was driving to his meeting, so we were able to entertain each other for a good two hours which was nice. When he called, I was in the midst of boredom which ultimately sends the gears in my tired little head turning on a rampage to overanalyze everything. More on this later. Needless to say, I'm glad I was diverted from my thoughts for a little while.

So, yeah, I'm very grateful for all these distractions. The little things are everything, and it was encouraging to see that God was there for me when I could have sat here and wallowed in my bad attitude. Yeah I know, attitude is everything....blah blah blah........well, sometimes I don't like to listen to all those profound little sayings in spite of how true they are. And, yes, I know that having a bad attitude just wastes time that could be spent constructively finding solutions to problems, but I guess you have to do what you have to do. I'm a brat (I really am.....the torch was officially passed down to me) so if I have to have a pity part before I can start patching things back together, then by all means, right?

Ok, back to the thinking thing. It goes without being said that I think way incredibly too damn much. Just read my blog. It gets deep. Hell, y'all have totally quit leaving comments because most of you really have no idea what to say. And that's ok because I take that as more of a sign that I need to chill out. At any rate, I figured out why I think too much. My life has never been simple, especially right now. I've had more experiences that have lead me to hell and back, and with as many places as I've been and with all the turmoil that I've gone through, the scope of my thought processes span just as far. Sometimes, I wish I could be one of those people who lived in a bubble because their lives are so simple, thus making it much easier to be optimistic and find solutions when life causes heartache, but simplicity isn't a blessing I've ever been given. Sure, I probably complicate things more than I should. That might explain why my most previous failure of a relationship occurred, that being that my skepticism impeded on my ability to open up my heart. I'm not going to lie, I really do drive myself insane. But that's all I know to do.

One of the powerful aspects of thinking, however, is that I've come to a point where I can really control my thoughts. I recently read in a book that "emotions simply respond to what we're thinking about. They are neither positive or negative. Emotions allow us to feel our thoughts." (Your Best Life Now, Joel Osteen) I guess that's where my emotional strength comes from. I don't necessarily think that you can control your emotions that easily because there definitely come times when the outpour of grief or happiness outweighs any ability to think logically or systematically about what's going on. But you can definitely manage your emotions and I think that planting optimistic seeds of thought when hardships abound makes it easy to alleviate sorrow. I don't always choose to do this (please refer back to the brat thing) which is why the turmoil doesn't go away. I can't surpass my own stubborness to do the things I need to do in order to keep my emotions at bay. I wanna pout. I want to victimize myself (I get that from my mother) and ask questions until I know how I am going to be compensated for my grief. And that's just stupid. It's perhaps one of the biggest flaws I have. But this weekend, God took care of that. He distracted me from my own self-victimization so that I might find peace in the lessons he is trying to teach me. Man, I wish I wasn't so stubborn (I get that from my Daddy) because only when I truly succomb to the will of the Lord will I truly be free of the turmoil that I constantly go through.

My brother sent me this in an email: A minister preached a sermon and used an illustration about a shepherd. This shepherd had a lamb that was rebellious and continually straying from the flock. In fear for the lamb's safety, the shepherd broke the lamb's leg. Cruel huh? The lamb thought so, and tried to bite the shepherd when he attempted to feed it. After a time, the lamb realized that the shepherd wasn't going to hurt him again and started to trust him for his basic needs. The lamb was forced to rely on the shepherd for food, shelter, and transportation. You see, when his leg healed, the once unfocused lamb was closer to the shepherd than all the other sheep. God will allow our "legs to be broken" so that we will get closer to Him. In order for us to get closer to Him we have to rely on Him and His judgment even when it hurts.

Makes sense, huh? Perhaps I'll start taking God more seriously, quit being a baby, quit being rebellious, and try finding the sunshine in my gray skies. After all, I have my answer which always makes it easier to implement the solution, right? We'll see....

So yeah, didn't know this was gonna be so long. Oh well...take care you guys....I love you...

"Do not allow difficult events to cancel the joy of knowing you are a child of God. Choose to allow God's spirit to fill you with His unquenchable joy, and your life will be a miracle to those who watch you face the trials that come."

Life is better understood backwards...

2005-11-04T14:41:00.001-05:00

Quick blog to remind the world of what an idiot I am.

Hindsight is 20/20. My SIM card memory was low so I had to clean out all my text messages, and to go back in time and realize that all the signs were very much present makes me so mad at myself! There was subtle pursuit, but apparently I'm too friggin stubborn to realize it. What's it gonna take? Someone knocking me upside the head until I think straight about the rather obvious things that are chillin' right in front of me?

I'm an idiot. Hopefully next time I'll figure it out.

Just thought I'd vent. :(

Have a great weekend.........

random thoughts from the injured heart....

2005-11-02T17:44:00.001-05:00

Well, that sucks.

But it's ok. It really is. Ok, it's really not ok right now, but it will be soon. Very soon. This is, after all, only day one.

So, Mina told me not too long ago that I'm really backwards. He said that it's amazing how I handled my father's death with such grace, but when it comes to the little things, I freak. And it's true. Yes, the little things are important, but you can't let them break you. Easier said than done....

As much as I want to be mad at myself for not figuring things out sooner (yeah, I really shot myself in the foot with that one, dammit!) I realize that, once again, things didn't work out for a reason. I'm ok with that. I am making a point not to victimize myself over this. Sure, I've slipped up a few times (and my psychic friend called me out on it before I even said anything to her) but it's not the end of the world (how cliche is that?) It just sucks. I just want to matter. (And I know I do.) But as Chance says, I want to be the ultimate matter to someone (hey dude, that's the 4th time you've made my blog...definitely a big deal! haha) I just need someone to care. Not necessarily him, but I wanted it to be him. I finally convinced myself that I wanted him there, but I took too long. I put my heart on my sleeve, but it was too late. And I thought it would be easier to handle. I thought having answers, regardless of what they were, was all I wanted, but my emotions are so overstimulated these days that I have lost all strength to handle anything with grace. ANYTHING! My roommate sent me one of the sweetest emails ever, and I balled. Be amused, because I was. Hey, that's ok. So I'm not a rock. I didn't like being a rock anyway. By the same token, I have to calm down. I can't keep letting myself get too overwhelmed. It's just not healthy. I don't feel like the same, fun-loving person that I used to be. Truth is, I love life, I love people, but no one wants to be brought down. I sure don't. So I need to figure things out, puff out my chest a little, build a bridge, and get over it. And I will.

Ya know, Dr. Phil makes a mint by telling people things that their friends have been telling them for years. And it's true. At this point, I'm just really grateful for how amazing my friends have been today. They have come to my rescue and I haven't even talked to half of them yet. They just knew! That's awesome, and it's something I am very grateful for. :)

So, yeah, I guess I'm ok. Well, maybe I'll be ok tomorrow. Or maybe I'll be ok once I realize that I haven't lost a friend because of this situation. I guess we'll just see.

And I have no idea what the point of this blog was except to vent a little maybe. Either way, thanks for listening....

I love you guys....

"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."

(thanks KT...I love you!)

At the end of the day, I can thank God that I'm not a Gator Fan...

2005-10-30T15:54:00.001-05:00

In the spirit of optimism, I'm not going to talk about how much it sucks that we lost to the stupid Gators. Instead, I'm going to talk about what made this weekend awesome, and that, of course, was being with friends, getting away from the daily grind that consumes every ounce of my time, and not having to think about all the emotions that have been weighing me down lately.

As much as I love SEC football, I really, really hate the asshole fans who think that they have the right to spout off at me because I adorn the colors of the opposing team. With my roommates and I being the little balls of fire that we are, we of course had to dish out our own shit-talk and put a couple of ignorant, jean-shorts wearing, mullet sporting Florida fans in their place. And yes, my roommate did hit a 70-year-old man in the face with her pom-pom, but it was only because he tried to run her over in his Excursion and called her a "dumb bitch"...whatever. He was just another ignorant asshole who afterwards almost ran over an elderly couple, all slouched over with a cane and everything, trying to cross the parking lot wearing the same colors that he was. What a prick! Anywho, this is not going to be what I remember from this weekend. In spite of it all, we had a blast! I love my friends. I hung out with some people that I've known ever since I've lived in this state, and I hung out with my good ole roomies whom I think the absolute world of, and it made my last trip to Jax all that I could ever hope for it to be. We threw down at the Landing, fended off a couple of 40 year old men too drunk to really know what they were doing, sang at the top of our lungs, cheered until we were hoarse for our team, froze our asses off at the game, ate, drank, and were merry, and went home at the end of the day still thankful to be bleeding red and black. It was nice to have people that I could laugh with, and, unfortunately, hang my head with as our National Title hopes were destroyed by a few missed field goals and some bad calls by our conservative coach (seriously, why would you have the QB run the option on 3rd and 11?) But for a good two hours last night, I was able to forget all that and eat some great country cookin' and indulge in the companionship of my wonderful friends. As much as I LOVE UGA football, it's always important to remember that there are much more important things in life that we should be thankful for. So, in Bulldog spirit, I just wanted to say thanks to everybody that made this weekend memorable. You know who you are... :)

Until next time....take care and Go Dawgs....we aren't finished yet! Love you guys...

Missy (and some random Georgia fan) posing with the mullet/jean shorts counter....brilliant!

Kristen, Jojo, Me, Kit, and Melissa tailgating before the game :)

My P-town boys (and Tim)...thanks for letting us hang out with you guys and for taking care of us...y'all are the best! :)

Freezing with my cohort in danger! I love you both!

"The best thinking has been done in solitude. The worst has been done in turmoil." --Thomas Edison

2005-10-24T14:21:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm going to designate Chance as my new blog coach since he's been my motivating factor for the past two blogs. He even told me to go out and cause drama just so that I would have something to write about, haha. Lucky for him, I've got plenty to discuss, just not sure if my mental capacity is enough to try to explain the "goings ons" around here, but I'm gonna try. Here goes nothing...

THE PROBLEM WITHIN MY CONTROL:
First of all, and I KNOW y'all are absolutely sick and tired of hearing about my father's death because trust me, I've exhausted every memory and am absolutely tired of thinking about him as well. Unfortunately, it haunts me. Sometimes I feel like there's something more that I could have done to grieve. Other times, I feel like I grieved too much. I've thought about seeking professional help as I don't know if it's an anomaly to still be feeling like this. It's been 4 and a half months. Has enough time passed? My grief has fluctuated with wavering reminders that he's gone. I've had nightmares. In fact, I didn't sleep this weekend because I was too scared of having another one. No one can relate. Oprah says that all the pain is the same but I beg to differ. There are different magnitudes of pain going in different directions and breaking different parts of the heart. The only people to talk to are my brothers, but I don't want to bring those emotions back to the table if they've been able to safely tuck them away. My grief has almost become perfunctory, poking consistantly at the same wound. It's getting old, and it's fucking me up. By the same token, I feel as if my life in general has become too perfunctory. Some might call this depression. I call it senioritis. It's the same grind, over and over, and at the end of the day, there's nothing new to discuss. How do I change that? I feel like I need a distraction and if looking forward to something new will add some color to my life, then that would be great. But do I have time? Absolutely not. And even if I find somewhere new to go, am I going to be returning home to the same problems? Ok, here's where I seriously need some feedback. I know a lot of you guys have been scared to respond to some of my grief due to fear of not knowing what to say, saying the wrong thing, etc.........y'all, I'm so far down that there's nothing that any of you could say that could hurt me. Nothing! I'm being more open-minded than I've ever been before, so please don't be scared. And if you want to keep it private, you can always email me (stacyrene02@aol.com) or facebook me (if you're on facebook). I would appreciate it forever. So yeah, I'm really sorry to have brought that up AGAIN, but answers are all I need. I'm not questioning why it happened...I'm past that. I'm just wanting to know how to fix it. Surely you have some ideas. Hopefully.

"The one who says - 'Yes, Lord, but...' is the one who is fiercely ready, but never goes. This man had one or two reservations. The exacting call of Jesus Christ has no margin of good-byes, because good-bye, as it is often used, is pagan and not Christian. When once the call of God comes, begin to go and never stop going." - Oswald Chambers

THE PROBLEM OUT OF MY CONTROL
So yeah, it appears that I've gotten myself in another predicament with a boy. And as usual, I've made my routine mistakes and am currently watching it fall to the ground. So, with all my bitching about relationships, I'm sad to announce that there has been a common flaw in each situation which has ultimately lead to the destruction of any chance I had to form something long-term. In other words, when I was bitching about how boys suck (which is still somewhat true) I should have really been bitching about how much I suck. Staisha helped me identify this, and basically, I now realize that I'm an idiot. But hey, knowing the problem is half the battle. Let's just hope that I'm smart enough to actually learn this time. As for my current situation, well, it's dangling by a string. The damage has been done so all I can really do is wait, and we all know how impatient I am. Needless to say, it pays a large contribution to my overall turmoil which hasn't been fun. And I don't guess that I have to wait around for answers, but as I discussed, I have no where to go. Maybe my patience will pay off. Maybe not. Either way, the ball is not on my side of the court, so I can only hope that he won't take everything and run away. Unfortunately, this ball handler has a lot of fear to face, and I'm not really sure of what all his fear entails, but I hope that he finds some sort of peace with or without me. That is truly the most important thing. So yeah, no matter which direction this situation goes, the lesson has been learned. I'm really just hoping that I didn't blow my chance, but we'll see.

"just tell me the truth....i'm a big girl, I can take it!"--Lucy Lu on Sex and the City

THE PROBLEM THAT REALLY ISN'T MY PROBLEM PER SE, BUT IT STILL SUCKS
In the words of Kit Kitchens regarding the loss of DJ Shockley and the poor performance by our 4th ranked Georgia Bulldogs against the Arkansas Razorbacks: "FUCK!" I'm struggling to keep the faith, praying for a miraculous MCL healing (which I KNOW isn't going to happen), and hoping that the loss of DJ will ignite a fire in the rest of the team that will give us the momentum to whoop up on Florida anyway. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I really just don't want my trip to Jacksonville to absolutely blow. Again, I guess we'll have to wait and see....

So yeah, that about covers it. And I already feel better. As usual, don't worry about me. God would never give me something I couldn't handle. I just get fatigued sometimes trying to maintain my emotional strength. I still would love some feedback though. I really love you guys!

Until next time....take it easy and pray for DJ...

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
--Casting Crowns

Perrydise

2005-10-17T21:17:00.001-05:00

I know I know. I've been a bad blogger. What can I say? Life happens.

So I spent last weekend in the grand metropolis of Perry. That was interesting. I hadn't been home in a while, and needless to say, things were different. Actually, things weren't that different. Perry is Perry and it will never change. I was different. And for the first time ever, I was able to see how much I have changed in the last couple of months.

One thing that was different was that William wasn't there. The dynamics at home were different, almost unbalanced. My parents have gotten used to not having kids around, so I almost felt like my presence was a nuisance to them because I was breaking their routine. That wasn't a pleasant feeling. And usually William serves as the Peanut gallery making smart ass comments and adding humor to everything. I sure missed that. I almost felt uncomfortable in my own house, and needless to say, I was ready to come back to Athens. I don't think I'll be going back for a long time.

Another thing that has changed is my mother's role in my life. She's the only parent I have left. I haven't ever really had a good relationship with my mother. We don't understand each other, we don't show love in the same way, and we certainly don't share any emotional bond. It's weird. Our love is understood rather than spoken. I want so much more out of her so badly, especially now that Daddy's not here. The thing I realized however, is that while her role in my life has been elevated, to her, I'm the same as I always was. So as much as I yearn for us to grow closer, it's never going to happen. I guess you can say I was a little heartbroken by that realization. And it made me miss Daddy more. I miss how I could never leave the room without him wanting to give me a hug. I miss how he never let me go to sleep without saying that he loved me. I never hear those three words except when I talk to my brothers, my niece, or my sister-in-law. It's so uplifting.....I know a lot of people don't understand that, but trust me, when you never hear it, it makes your heart tremble when you do.

So yeah, that was kind of depressing. But in other news, I kicked the GRE's ass and am golden for getting into MCG (at least I hope so....somebody please knock on some wood for me). The minimum requirement is 400 on each section with a minimum combined score of 1000. I raised my verbal score up 140 points which gives me a 500 on verbal, 710 on math, and a combined score of 1210. I think I'm being a bit ostentatious, but I really didn't know if I could pull up my score and I was honestly saving up more money to take it a third time. I am pretty proud of myself.

Not much else to report. Boys still suck, but I'm beginning to think that's my fault. More on that later when I get my thoughts together. I'm sure you'll be looking forward to that. Everybody wants to hear me bitch about relationships some more, right?

So yeah, not the best blog in the world (sorry Chance) but at least everybody who likes to keep up with me has an update. Take care you guys, and I love you!

Until next time...

"Lord, teach us again how to laugh, but never, ever let us forget why we cried."

Dean

2005-10-03T23:33:00.001-05:00

So yeah, here I am again, bringing you your second blog this week. Exciting, huh?

I write this not because I have the motivation, but rather, the inspiration to seek into the depths of my life to find some sort of meaning. Sometimes, this serves as my biggest flaw as I attempt to search for answers to questions that should never even be asked. It's so hard sometimes to put faith first and to remember that there is someone bigger and greater than we can ever imagine running the control towers that ultimately shape our lives. I believe in Him, and I trust Him, but I sure as hell don't understand Him. My attempts to do so have only resulted in failure, but even still, my journeys have encouraged me to thrive off the lessons learned with every dead end I come to face, and those lessons bring me enough understanding to help maintain a healthy sanity level. In the end, the biggest lesson to remember is that when you can't trace God's hand, you can trace His heart. That's enough to bring the solace I need to find sleep during the restless nights. I just hope I always remember that.

So Chicago.......yeah, it was pretty amazing. My family is amazing. My brother is amazing. If I ever wonder what contributed to the character that I exhibit in my personality, I can look at my foundation and find all my answers for I am a true reflection of the strength and love that continually flourishes in them for everybody to see and learn from. They are my backbone, my bulwark, my teachers, my heart, my soul....they are me, and I love them with every drop of who I am.

This weekend, I also revisited an old emotion that I hadn't felt in years. It was a feeling of emptiness that comes from knowing that the one person who understands you and knows every element of your very being is being placed at an impeccable distance where you can barely touch them with your fingertips to get enough wisdom when the need arises, but they can't play a major role in your life as they are far enough away. You sit on different roads hoping and praying that they will someday merge. Living away from Daddy was like that. I was such a Daddy's girl, and I was his child moreso than my mother's. He understood me because he could look at his own heart and know exactly how I was feeling. To be living under my mother's roof as she racked her brain trying to figure me out was hard, and many nights were spent crying myself to sleep as I drowned in the sorrows that came from missing Daddy. Through the years, that void was filled with substantial substitutes that allowed me to forget what that kind of pain felt like. I started dating and was able to experience the love of a different kind of man in a more passionate way. It wasn't the same understanding, but it sufficed. Through being single, my void has been filled by friends with whom I have been able to share the depths of my heart with trust. I've found my passion in writing. I've even filled my heart with my love of football and have become married to espn.com as I've filled my head with every SEC and UGA statistic that would fit. Over the years, the substitutes have filled less and less space, and as I continued to look for answers, God took it all away when he took away Daddy. That hole is still very large, and Daddy had big shoes to fill, but I knew I had to find someone to step up and be the understanding that I needed. I couldn't dwell on Daddy's absence forever. After all, someone's gotta walk me down the aisle, right?

Dean is seriously the male version of me. I knew we were a lot alike, but wow.......he is so in touch with who he is, what he wants out of life, and how he's going to accomplish it that it's really scary. But what's more scary is that I look at him, and he's like my mirror image. He knows me because like Daddy, he can just look down at his own heart and feel my pain because our hearts are exactly the same. I admire his drive, but it's so cool because as I admire him, I can realize that I share that drive. It's just so neat. He understands me without even trying and to a greater depth than anyone I know. And more than anything, I need that support and I need to always remember that he's there.

But he's not.

Sure, he's just a phone call away....but you know what? No matter how hard anyone tries to maintain communication with someone in a long distance relationship, life happens and it truly is impossible. So no matter what, there's an empty feeling, and it sucks. And it's a feeling that I haven't experienced in a long time........but I remembered. I remembered as I was rotting in the airport for an extra 3 and a half hours, vicariously reliving the pains of saying "good-bye" as I watched this guy in the pink shirt ball his eyes out because he was leaving his family. My empathy for him and others that I saw pacing through the airport terminal with blurry vision because of the tears that they couldn't stop from falling traces back to the experiences I had so many times when I had to leave Daddy. You call them back for one more hug, never ever wanting to let go because you know that walking on the plane is like walking back to a world where you have a hard time defining who you are because you have to conform to how well people are able to understand you. But with Daddy, and now with Dean, I could be me, and they would understand because they know themselves. Them not being there makes me feel empty. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill this space. I wonder if I'll ever stop trying to find my answers. I wonder if things will actually for once in my life just click in a way where it makes sense. I don't understand simplicity. I really wish that I did, but it's something I've never experienced although I sure would like to. This is why moving to Chicago makes sense. Some people think I'm crazy, some think it's too cold, some think it's too far, but I don't care. I have to make my road merge with Dean's road. I have to find my peace, find myself, and live the life as the person I was made to be. I just hope that God isn't laughing too hard at my plan, because watching everything fall into place would be a dream come true. And I can't ask for more than that.

So yeah, for those of you who think I'm crazy, well just know that this is probably the largest step I've taken towards sanity in a long time.

And Dean, I love you so incredibly much. Thanks for being you.

Until next time....

"I've been thinking 'bout everyone,
Everyone who looks so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars,
I see someone else
When I look at the stars
The stars, I feel like myself"
--Switchfoot

hmm....interesting...

2005-10-03T08:26:00.001-05:00

This is merely a quick update and an apology for all the time that has gone by between blogs. What can I say? Life happens, but I have a spark of inspiration in me, so stay tuned....a good one's coming.

So my trip to Chicago was absolutely awesome! Being up there and being with my family just really made me realize how much I really want to move up there. The future can't get here fast enough, but I will do my best to not short-change the present as there is a lot of things that must happen between now and then to make things possible. I just enjoy the security of knowing what I really want to do in the future and having some sort of plan that I can only hope and pray will come true. But as with all things, I guess we'll see.

So I was talking with my sister, Alishia, this weekend, and she said some things that I thought were pretty interesting. Alishia is an EMT in the city of Lake Charles, LA which some of you might recall was hit pretty bad by Hurricane Rita. She stayed behind to help other medical personnel with whatever needed to be done after the hurricane. She also talked about Hurricane Katrina and how a bunch of the shit that got put out via the media was absolute bullshit. The biggest example which put President Bush in the spotlight to take blame and caused our FEMA director to resign was the issue about how soon help arrived post-Katrina. According to Alishia who I believe has an "in" about getting information said that the American Red Cross was in place ready to aid victims of the hurricane before it even came! Yet, due to the anarchy and the number of idiots that refused to leave, the media portrayed New Orleans as being up Shit Creek without a paddle when really, the help was there. What really happened was that the Governor of Louisiana and the Mayor of New Orleans wouldn't quit arguing long enough to make executive decisions about how to the utilize the help that was already in place and ready to go. Also, after half the New Orleans police officers left, the remainers actually arrested church clergy and volunteers who were collecting food just so that they could take everything for themselves! They also were the main ones shooting at the National Guard when they tried to implement help. Alishia even told a story about one police officer who was offing people just so that they couldn't get the food. What the hell?!?! It really pisses me off because the media made New Orleans look like a fallen damsel in distress when really, they were nothing but a bunch of ignorant people who couldn't be self-sufficient. Notice that you didn't hear anything about Lake Charles post-Rita. That's because the people in the community stepped up and started clearing the debris before official help even came. Of course the media isn't going to sensationalize that because it's not as entertaining. It just sucks that what really happened with Hurricane Katrina was falsly portrayed and it ended up hurting even more people. Lake Charles sustained a lot of damage in Rita....my stepmom lost her sun room, her fence, and there isn't a tree standing in her yard. My grandfather had a tree fall on his house and his pool was damaged. He also said that there wasn't a pine tree left standing in Lake Charles. But you haven't heard stories like that, have you? Hmmm...interesting (that one's for you Dean). I just thought I'd share. Sometimes, it's nice to know what really happened. So there ya have it.

Until next time..........

Long and slow

2005-09-23T21:25:00.001-05:00

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast.
Time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, "how are you?" do you hear the reply?
When the day is done do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast.
Time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, "well do it tomorrow"?
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Cause you never had time to call and say, "hi".
You'd better slow down, don't dance so fast.
The time is short. The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you rush and you worry and you hurry through your day
It's like an unopened gift that's been thrown away.

Life is not a race. Do take it slower.
Hear the music before the song is over.

I received this poem in a forward a couple years ago, and I printed it out because I liked the message. If my memory serves me right, I believe the poem was written by a child suffering from leukemia. His message is simple, but it strikes deep, especially now. Sometimes, I think about why it takes such great tragedy for us to remember the little things in life and how they make up the moments that echo in our hearts forever. I wonder if I would have done things a little different had I known the magnitude of the pain I felt to have someone taken away from me. If only we could all not so much experience the pain of loss, but understand it in a way where it resonates in our hearts and minds, serving as a constant reminder to live for the moments that you can't put into words. Only then would we be able to truly live life to the fullest.

I was talking with a good friend the other day and we were discussing our drinking habits and how all too often things get out of control when we don't intend for them to. In the conclusion of our conversation, we agreed that next time we go out, we're going to hold each other accountable and make sure that we drink every beer long and slow. Long and slow. I like that concept. I then told Matt, "life should be long and slow" in which he responded with amusement that I would take our topic of conversation from beer and alcohol to such a profound depth. I'll admit, my wisdom was soaring due to a crazy ride on an emotional roller coaster last week, but I was enjoying the list in my head that was forming about things that should be done "long and slow".....kissing, falling in love, relationships, drinking, friendships, college (not classes), memories, conversation, running, dancing, cooking, movies, time spent together, vacations, sleeping.....the list could go on forever! For most things in life, the only way to optimize the quality is to sit back and savor the moment. There's no need to let the daily grind dictate the pace in which our life progresses....it's better to just let life happen and let God show us the blessings He has in store for us. Besides, when things aren't "long and slow", they get out of control, even when we don't intend for them to. Then you'll end up in a place you don't want to be with a really bad hangover and no Waffle House. And no one wants that.

I challenge you guys to think about these ideas as you go about your daily routines. Take a little time out of your day to really think about everything you have, all the people that have touched your hearts, and how great life really is.

Life for the moment. Savor the dance.

I love you guys!

"Never forget the small things in life because they are the keys that open doors to moments that last forever..." --R Gray

Survey says...

2005-09-17T22:58:00.001-05:00

So my thoughts have been incredibly too complicated to sort through recently, but once I am able to pick my brain and figure some things out, I'll have a good blog to share. For now, some friends sent me an interesting online survey that I thought I would post. What the hell, right? Enjoy!

Ten Random Things About Me
1. I hate school.
2. I'm a computer nerd.
3. I like to run.
4. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters.
5. I love God.
6. I want a breast reduction.
7. I want to live in Chicago one day.
8. I wish I had a dog.
9. I love Georgia Football!
10. I wish I could marry Matthew McCoughnehey.

Nine Things I Like To Wear
1. thongs
2. sports bras
3. "Livestrong" bracelet
4. my Betty Rubble necklace with the big black beads
5. sweatpants/pajama pants
6. tube tops
7. flip flops
8. my red heels
9. workout clothes

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. go skydiving
2. go to Hawaii
3. layout out on a nude beach
4. become a bereavement counselor
5. meet Matthew McCoughnehey
6. ride a bull
7. be the voice of a cartoon character
8. fall deeply in love with someone absolutely amazing...

Seven Ways To Win My Heart
1. open the door for me
2. hold my hand
3. make good conversation with me
4. go to church with me
5. crack me up
6. kiss me on the nose
7. hold me

Six Things I Believe In
1. God has a great plan for me.
2. Grudges are a waste of time.
3. Friends are the most important assets you'll ever have.
4. You should never waste an opportunity to tell someone how you feel.
5. Boys have much slower brain development.
6. Angels...

Five Things I'm Afraid Of
1. Getting my heart broken.
2. Losing my Mom.
3. Gaining weight.
4. Roaches.
5. Being chased.

Four Of My Favorite Items in my Bedroom
1. Scraps (my stuffed dog that I still sleep with.)
2. My "Daddy" box with all the cool things that I got from him.
3. My computer.
4. My cowboy hat.

Three Lyrics to Songs I Love
1. "Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone" -Savage Garden

2. "I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin' and
I guess I would be still,
but that was until I knew God's Will" -Martina McBride

3. "If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now...." -Tool

Two Things I'm Trying Not to do Right Now
1. Think
2. Cry

One Person I would Love to See Right Now
1. Daddy...I sure miss him...

William...

2005-09-11T21:01:00.001-05:00

I know, I know....I've been a bad blogger which is very unlike me. Actually, I attempted to write on Friday, but blogger.com conveniently decided to perform system maintenance two minutes before I was done, so I lost it. I honestly thought no one even noticed due to the lack of responses I've been getting lately, but I ran into Chance Jones at "The Arch" (the bar, not the actual UGA arches) on Friday night and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Stacy you need to blog" and it made me feel good that someone noticed. I have to give my fan(s?) what they want, right? (There you go Chance...I've fulfilled your lifelong dream by mentioning you in my blog....don't you feel special?) :) I'll try to keep up a little better...

So yeah, the low blog activity is due to lack of excitement and lack of time. I had a couple of writing ideas regarding Hurricane Katrina, but if you're like me, you're probably sick of hearing and thinking about it. That's not to say that I'm disregarding how horrible it is, and my heart and prayers go out to all the victims that are suffering from the aftermath, but every media outlet is absolutely saturated with stories about the hurricane which has ultimately taxed all my emotions regarding the event, so I'm choosing to leave well enough alone. Besides, I've probably exceeded my limit of depressing blogs after this summer, so all I'm going to say is that God has a unique way of reminding people who is boss. My only hope is that people will remember to turn to Him as they search for answers and guidance because only He can truly know what they need.

In other news...my younger brother, William, graduated from Air Force basic training last Friday, so after 6 and a half weeks, I was FINALLY able to talk to him. I'm so incredibly proud of the person that he has become. He said to me, "Stacy, this whole process really took its toll and changed me. I sat down and contemplated things like I never had before. I was forced to understand life and I know now that the little things really are the most important. Being able to talk to you has made me the happiest that I have been in 6 and half weeks. I love you so much!" Yeah, I was balling (I swear, I'm such a sap these days.) This is the kid I had to sit down and make cry with me at Daddy's viewing. He always builds himself up to be my fortress and brace me when I got emotional. Anytime I cried (which wasn't often until recently, I swear) the kid would be right there wiping away my tears and making me laugh until I peed my britches. It's the roll he created for himself and he takes it very seriously. Both of my brothers are like that which is great, but sometimes, I just want someone to cry with - someone to share the pain with. At Daddy's the week after he died, I couldn't get him to tell me how he felt or what was scrolling through his head because he was more worried about me. But today, for the first time ever, something broke through his testosterone and he was able to convey his emotions to me....and it was so special. I've had a lot of things taken from me, and they say that you really don't know what you had until it's gone, but this time, I got it back! Me and William have been through hell together, and there were times when he truly was the only one that understood me. Our bond has always been special; understood rather than spoken, but we both knew how important we were to each other. Today, he broke the silence first, and that has probably made me the happiest that I've been in 6 and half weeks.

So there ya have it....I promise not wait 2 weeks to blog again (I have my fingers crossed here, never know what kind of mundane shit the professors will pull next to consume all your time!)

Take care you guys! Love you...

Why?

2005-08-30T08:50:00.001-05:00

Why does God have to give such extreme tests of faith to force us to grow?

Why Katrina?

Why doesn't love always dampen people's fiery spirit when they are faced with adversity?

Why can't people quit talking about their problems and start focusing on solutions?

Why are girls so petty?

Why are guys so confusing?

Why does God put amazing people in our lives to nourish our spirit and bring out the best in us?

Why does He take them away?

Why Daddy?

Why not me?

Why?

I know that these questions come with undiscoverable answers, but they've been plaguing my every thought, so I had to get them out. I've reached a point where my faith has grown enough that I don't need to always understand why things are the way they are, but that doesn't mean I don't covet the truth about why certain things happen the way that they do. It's just better that I leave them here rather than let them become a huge manifestation in my head.

Thanks for stopping by...

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
--Psalm 9:10

I can hear the bells....

2005-08-25T23:18:00.001-05:00

.....and it's driving me insane!!!!

What is up with the wedding fever?? With the rate that everyone's been popping questions and getting rings, I feel like my turn is coming up.......yeah right.

This is not to say that I don't rejoice in the happiness that my friends and family members have found in what I hope will be the loves of their lives. My smile is far from plastic, but right now, it's hard to flex my face muscles for any long period of time in order to maintain that smile; it's trying, but because I love my friends and family so much and because I'm honored that they've asked me to take part in the union that they will form with their significant others, I'm gonna do all that I can to dig down deep in my heart and show them the genuine happiness I have for them.

So what's masking me from expressing my true happiness? For starters, it's definitely a jealousy thing. Yep, I'm not scared to admit it. But it's a jealousy dubbed by fear. Who's to say that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with a husband? Getting married is becoming a primitive rite of passage, and these days, there are plenty of single women that grow old alone. Sometimes I feel like I've reached a level of independence that I may never be able to let go of. It's not what I want, and I know that God will give me the desires of my heart, but God placed those desires there and they work for my best interest. Only He knows what that is, thus placing a haze over the vision I have for the future. All I can do is wait.

Secondly, the whole idea of my Daddy not being there really taints the scene I envision of my wedding day. I won't go into too much detail as I don't want to depress anyone, but until I truly experience the joy that can be given to me by only my future husband (should one exist) to balance out the pain that I will have to experience, my wedding day will be regarded with sadness.

Lastly, seeing people settle down and start their futures produces more envy that is hard to fight through. I graduate in December, and after that I'll still have 3 more grueling years of school where I will be poor, lonely, stressed, and worn out. I am so excited about the future which is why I have chosen a path that I think will be fulfilling. Unfortunately, it's also a path that is little longer, and needless to say, my anxiousness is getting the best of me. I'll get there eventually though.

So, I'm not really going insane, but I feel like all the wedding stuff is definitely a trial God has placed on my lap to strengthen my character, my attitude, and my faith. I'll get through it and just pray that God will bring me the same favor when the time is right should that be His will.

Ok, I'm done getting out those thoughts. Thanks for listening.....

Love you guys!